What She Doesn't Know
by Aquira
Summary: -Book7- A pregnant Tonks is abandoned by her husband Remus. She is distraught and confused, but Remus left his things behind, including an old diary. Tonks is about to discover everything Remus hid from her, but are some secrets better off in the past?
1. Chapter 1

Nymphadora Tonks glanced around the now deserted bedroom, and her eyes rested on the door her husband had just gone through. He was gone. Actually gone. She didn't know if he would ever be coming back. He had never yelled at her like that before, and if he truly believed their marriage had been a mistake, then maybe Tonks did not want him back.

What was she thinking? Of course she wanted him back. Tonks loved Remus more than anyone she had loved before, and it was killing her to know he was so upset. She should have realized. She should have sensed that something had been bothering him for ages. But Tonks had been so happy about the baby. . . . Remus had seemed happy, too, but Tonks knew now she had been imagining that happiness in his eyes. Of course he wasn't happy. He had always been so reluctant to begin every part of their relationship. A baby was merely another giant step that Remus hadn't been willing to take. In all honesty it wasn't surprising he had left, and Tonks was slowly beginning to understand that she had pushed him too far. She would never see him again. He didn't want to be with her, and he didn't want to help raise their child.

With tears in her eyes, Tonks sat down on his side of the bed. Remus hadn't even stopped to take anything with him. Everything was exactly as he had left it. His pillow was still dented from his night's sleep. There was still a drink of water left in his glass. All of his books were still on the night stand. Tonks carefully took his pillow in her hands and hugged it to her chest, breathing in his scent and wishing he would come back to her.

There was something relaxing about the smell of his pillow and, all at once, the tears stopped. Tonks blinked. Her reasoning was returning to her. Remus was gone and, even though she was sad, even though she knew he wasn't planning on coming back, Tonks realized she had to go on. With or without him, Tonks was still pregnant. She was still a member of the Order. There were certain things expected of her, and it just wasn't sensible for her emotions to take over. Tonks took another deep breath, wiped her eyes, and stood up again.

She motioned to put his pillow back, but she paused when she looked down at the bed. There, where the pillow had been concealing it, was a book. The cover was plain brown leather, and there was no title. It seemed odd that Remus would have hidden this nameless book under his pillow, and Tonks, her curiosity piqued, dropped the pillow and grabbed the book. She opened it to the first page and stared at the words, confused.

It was a diary.

Tonks had never seen Remus writing in a diary, but the words written on the pages were in his handwriting. Flipping through the pages, she saw mentions of James Potter, Sirius Black, and a few names of old teachers at Hogwarts. It had to have been Remus' diary. Swallowing, she turned to the first page again and looked at the date. 'August 13, 1971.' This diary had been started well before he had met her––well before she had even been born. This diary was sure to contain his childhood, his school days, his friends, and his family. All of the things he never wanted to talk about, all of his secrets, written down for her to discover.

She glanced up at the door one last time, to remind herself that he wasn't coming back, and then she started to read . . . .

* * *

><p><strong>Entry #1: Friday Aug. 13, 1971 – Seven Days After<strong>

Today I bought this notebook because, just a few days ago, something truly remarkable happened. An owl arrived in our yard carrying a Hogwarts acceptance letter in its beak. The letter was for me, and I couldn't have been more surprised. I had been expecting—and almost hoping—that Hogwarts would reject me. Not many institutions want to knowingly endanger their other students by letting someone like me even near their campus. I was fully prepared to be home schooled. It would have been easier to be home schooled. But I am going to Hogwarts, and now I have to worry about not making friends, and failing all of my classes, and people being afraid of me after they find out what I am.

People being afraid of me is what I worry about the most, actually. I can live without any friends. I haven't had a real friend since I was four. But I don't want to be stuck at this new school after everyone finds out. I'll have to pretend to be normal while all the other students stare at me like I'm some kind of freak.

I guess I am a freak.

But . . . the Headmaster at Hogwarts doesn't consider me a freak. He doesn't want me to consider me a freak, either. His opinion is that every wizarding child has a right to the best education available, no matter the circumstance, and he insists that I am as normal as any other student at his school. I just have a "condition" that requires some special attention. He says he would do the same for any other student with special needs, but I think he is being too generous—a little unsafe even—because my special circumstance isn't the usual "I can't afford the books" circumstance. It's much more dangerous than that, but he doesn't seem to have as many worries as I do. I suppose one of us has to be calm about the situation.

I owe this Dumbledore fellow an awful lot for believing there's more to me than my condition, and I should be thankful that he was around the year I needed to start my schooling. He believes I can do well if only someone would give me a chance, and he wants to be the person to give me that chance. I'm not just my sickness to this man, which I can't say I hear very often. No other Headmaster at any other school would accept me, knowing what I am. All of the other schools my parents were in contact with sent a letter back explaining that they did not have the means to care for someone like me.

I know what they meant by that. They could have the means. None of them had the will.

From what he wrote in his letter, Dumbledore is not just _allowing_ me to go to his school. He has made a lot of changes to the campus, specifically for me, so I can go to school safely. He said he brought in a Whomping Willow tree and planted it over a hidden tunnel. The tunnel leads off school grounds to a shack, which was also built for me, in the nearby village. Once a month, that shack will be my private sanctuary. When the full moon comes out, the nurse will lead me to the tunnel and take me to that shack to be alone. I won't be able to hurt anyone while I'm locked inside. The other students will be safe, and no one should be the wiser to what's going on.

My parents say they will be eternally grateful to Dumbledore for this wonderful opportunity he has given me. Now I just have to live up to his expectations. If this Headmaster has invested so much in one particular student, he obviously expects that student to do well. I need to succeed in all of my classes if I want to repay him fully. To prepare, I've already read through all the books from the school supply list. That might have been excessive, I'll admit, but I think if I already know what's going to be covered in each class, it will be that much easier to learn about it from the teachers. I should be able to keep up and I shouldn't have to worry about falling behind when I start feeling sick each month.

I have to do well. This is my chance to be normal. I don't want to have to pretend to be normal, but this is my chance to try. Maybe I won't fail. Maybe I will make a friend. Maybe no one will find out. Maybe they won't be afraid of me.

Until September, I have to keep thinking about all of these 'maybes' and tell myself that it is all possible. I can succeed. I can make friends. I can keep it a secret. I can be normal.

At least, I hope I can be normal.

**Entry #2: Wednesday Sept. 1, 1971 – Three Days Before**

I got on the Hogwarts Express this morning, which was more nerve–wracking than it ought to have been. My mother was crying and my father had a grim sort of smile on his face as they bid me goodbye. I knew what they were thinking. Mum wanted me to stay. She was more worried about my fitting in than I was. Dad was just happy something was finally going right in my life. It meant he was allowed to stop feeling guilty for a few days. I would miss them.

When I got onto the train, I slowly made my way down the corridor trying to find an empty compartment. I had very little success. Most spaces were full. I tried to give a friendly smile when someone made eye contact, but that didn't happen often. I felt rather invisible. Eventually, I peeked through a window and saw that one compartment only held two girls that looked like they were first years, too. It was a long shot, but I figured they didn't have to talk to me. All they had to do was tolerate sitting near me for a train ride's length of time. It was still a long shot.

I cautiously slid open the door and leaned into their compartment. "Sorry to bother you," I began quietly. They both looked up, and I hesitated. "Um . . ." I hadn't really talked to someone my age before, let alone a girl my age. "Would it be all right if I . . . uh . . . sat in here with you? Everywhere else is full and . . ."

"Why wouldn't it be all right?" the girl with lighter hair said. "It's just sitting."

I mumbled my thanks as I sat down on the opposite side of the compartment. The girls started talking again, as if I weren't sitting there. I had expected as much, so I shrugged and pulled out my Transfiguration book to reread.

I tried to tune out their conversation, but I could still hear what they were saying. The darker haired girl was complaining about someone named Molly, and the blonde girl was pretending to agree with her. I could tell she wasn't really paying attention to her friend by the bored looks she kept giving me. I wanted to say something back, but none of the words I thought of seemed right.

I wasn't really having a conversation with the blonde girl, and I don't know her name, but she was the first person to be nice to me at Hogwarts. It made me feel less isolated for her to acknowledge me, even in such a small way.

Eventually, the darker haired girl decided she needed to confront this Molly person, so both of the girls left the compartment to find her. I hadn't expected a friendship to develop from a train ride, but I was a little sad when I was left alone.

I didn't see either of the girls again until it was time to change into our school robes. The blonde girl gave me a smile but didn't say anything as the two of them found their robes and quickly left me alone again. I only thought to smile back after they were gone.

The train finally reached Hogsmeade Station. I didn't realize how late it had gotten, but it was dark when everyone stepped onto the small platform. My initial impulse was to follow the crowd of older students, but I stopped when I heard someone shouting gruffly for the first years. "First years, follow me! I need all of the first years!" I looked around for the voice and spotted him right away. The shouting man was at least ten feet tall with a great barrel of a chest and a giant beard. He was hard to miss.

I changed course and filed towards the giant man with the other first years. It was a relief to see so many other nervous faces. All the first years gathered around him and, once he was sure everyone was present, our guide led us to the edge of a very large lake. Rows and rows of rowboats were waiting for us and the giant man made it clear that we were supposed to ride the boats to the school. The darker haired girl from the train ended up in the same boat as me. I smiled when she looked at me, but she didn't smile back.

The ride was quiet and eerie on the dark lake. I was relieved when we finally reached the school on the other side. The giant man led us across the grounds to the front doors and passed us off to another teacher who introduced herself as Professor McGonagall. While the teacher explained the sorting process, I looked around for the blonde girl who had been nice to me earlier. She was talking to her brunette friend again and didn't notice me.

We were shuffled into the Great Hall and told to stand together until our name was called. A stool with a pointy wizard's hat was brought out and placed in front of us. I watched it for a moment before deciding to look around the amazing room, trying to take everything in. I was finally going to a normal school with normal kids. Someone had already been nice to me. The importance of what was happening started to sink in as I stared up at the floating candles and cloudy ceiling.

The sorting hat started singing, which brought my attention back. It sang about each of the four houses and implored all students to set differences aside and stand united, lest troubled times seek to divide us. It wasn't a very uplifting tune, but after it was done, McGonagall dutifully pulled out a scroll and started reading names.

I watched the other students walk forward when their names were called and each of them were given a house to belong to. It seemed to take forever for the teacher to call my name, and my stomach grew a little more uneasy each time someone else put on the sorting hat. "Lupin, Remus," the teacher said finally, and I cautiously walked up to the stool. I sat down on the edge and couldn't help worrying that the hat wouldn't have a place for me.

McGonagall positioned the hat on my head and I sat very still while it contemplated what to do with me. "It is very brave, what you're doing," somebody said suddenly, and I looked around. It took me a moment to realize that the voice belonged to the hat. Startled, and not sure if I should talk back, I didn't move. I wondered if I was the only person who could hear what the hat was saying to me. "All alone with such a heavy secret . . . Don't be worried. I think you have more courage than you give yourself credit for. It's not easy to be in your shoes. Stay strong. I know exactly where to put you." I held my breath, and when I heard the hat's voice again, it was louder, and clearer, and I knew it was speaking to the rest of the room. "Gryffindor!"

A little shaky, and telling myself that the feeling in my stomach wasn't nausea, I got off the stool and made my way to the table of cheering Gryffindors. I smiled and found a spot on the bench. They were cheering for me. A few older students patted me on the back, telling me "Welcome to Gryffindor!" They were happy to have me in their house.

I watched the rest of the first years, wondering how many of them would be in my house and amazed that I could refer to it as "my house" already. Then I noticed that the blonde girl from the train was at my table. I had been too nervous before I put on the hat and hadn't heard her name, but I suppose she had to have been sorted before me. She was sitting with the other girls who had been sorted into our house. She was laughing. Her face fell a little when her darker haired friend was sorted into Slytherin.

Soon, every first year had found a house and the banquet could begin. Food magically filled the platters covering the tables, and I tried to keep the surprise off my face. It was a school for magic, after all, and I shouldn't have been so impressed. Each and every student grabbed their plates and started piling on the food. The only thing any of us had eaten all day was sweets off the trolley cart. I took plenty, and I didn't leave any on my plate.

When it appeared that most everyone had finished eating, the Headmaster stepped forward to say a few words to the incoming and returning students. I couldn't really listen properly because I was too busy marveling at the man who decided to be so generous to me. I had never seen Dumbledore before, and he looked every bit as kind as I had imagined him.

The only part of his speech I managed to hear was the part about the Whomping Willow. He claimed it had been a gift from another school and it would have been insulting to not plant the tree, but he warned everyone that it was dangerous and students shouldn't go near it. I tried not to smile. For once in my life I knew something that everyone else didn't. That tree hid a tunnel. It led all the way off school grounds. I was allowed to go near it.

Dumbledore stepped down from the podium and announced that everyone was dismissed to their dorms. I motioned to follow the Gryffindor prefects, but Professor McGonagall appeared behind me and tapped my shoulder. "Hello Mr. Lupin," she greeted warmly. I liked her, even if she seemed stern. "Would you mind coming with me? I think it's time you met the Headmaster."

I nodded and stood to follow her. I thought she would lead me up to the teachers' table, but a quick glance showed me that Dumbledore was no longer there. Instead, I followed her out of the Great Hall and she took me up to the seventh floor. We came to a stop when we reached a gargoyle statue that was guarding the Headmaster's office. McGonagall mumbled a password and the gargoyle sprang aside, revealing a spiral staircase. The stairs started spinning upwards and I hopped onto a step with McGonagall, letting the stairway carry us up to see Dumbledore.

He was waiting for me at his desk with a smile on his face. There was a tiny woman wearing a white hat waiting with him and I tried to smile at both of them in return. "Welcome Remus Lupin," Dumbledore said cordially. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you. This lovely lady is Madam Pomfrey." The woman in the white hat nodded to me. "She is the school nurse and I thought it would be appropriate to introduce the two of you, considering what is to happen in just three days time."

I found myself looking at my feet instead of the nurse. "It's nice to meet you," I mumbled.

"Likewise." Her tone was sweet, like a nurse ought to sound. "You are a brave boy, and I'm looking forward to getting to know you." She looked at Dumbledore. "Has he been shown the way to the Hospital Wing, Albus?"

"I daresay he hasn't, Poppy," Dumbledore replied with a slight laugh, looking at me. "As I have a few things to attend to, it would be splendid if you could show him where it is. And I'm more than sure you can relay the information I was going to give him. Minerva, would you accompany them so that you can lead Mr. Lupin back to his house when he is through?"

"I would be happy to, Headmaster," McGonagall said.

"Terrific," Madam Pomfrey said determinedly. She stepped over to me and put her hands on my shoulders. "Come now. Let's see where we'll fix you up each month."

The three of us left the Headmaster in his office and took another long route of hallways. I tried to pay attention to exactly where we were going, as I knew I would need this information not very long from now. As we walked, Madam Pomfrey explained everything Dumbledore hadn't written in his letter. I would meet her directly at five o'clock in the evening every night before the full moon came out. She would make me as well as she could, and then she would lead me down to the Willow, trying her best to keep people from noticing us. She would then stop the tree and lead me halfway down the tunnel so I could transform safely. The next morning, she would find me in the shack and smuggle me back so I could spend the day recuperating. I nodded my understanding, hoping I wouldn't forget anything.

We eventually found the Hospital Wing. I vaguely remembered how we had gotten there from Dumbledore's office, but I wouldn't have been able to make the trip by myself. Madam Pomfrey gave me a quick tour, told me I needed to rest up for my first day of classes, and sent me on my way. McGonagall took over then and again we were wandering down hallways and up staircases. I wondered how anyone could find their way in such a big school with so many tricky passageways.

After we had gone up many floors, and down many corridors, McGonagall came to a stop in front of a large painting of a very fat lady. The woman in the portrait greeted us pertly before asking, "Password?" I frowned and looked to the teacher. I hadn't been given a password.

McGonagall looked back at me. "Each common room entrance requires a password to get in," she explained. "It keeps students in their correct houses. The Fat Lady takes the password for Gryffindor. Now, Mr. Lupin, I will only tell you this once, so listen closely. The password to get into Gryffindor tower for now is 'Bowtruckle.' I expect you to remember it. Otherwise you'll have to ask for it from your fellow housemates."

"Bowtruckle," I repeated, which caused the portrait to swing open, revealing the entryway to the Gryffindor common room. It looked warm.

"Very good," McGonagall commended. "Now, I'm sure you can find your dormitory. It is up the stairs to the right. Your roommates will be wondering where you've gotten to." With that, she walked away, leaving me alone.

"Are you coming in or not?" the portrait asked, a bit impatiently, and I hurried inside.

The common room was filled with other Gryffindors talking to their friends, catching up after long summers away from each other. I only lingered long enough to look around before I found the staircase that led up to the boys' dorm rooms. "First Years" was written on one of the doors, so I assumed that was the right room and I stepped inside.

Several other boys were already in the room getting settled. They all turned to stare at me with questioning expressions. "Where've you gone?" one of them asked suspiciously. He had round glasses and exceptionally messy hair.

I saw my trunk at the foot of the only remaining bed. "I had to see the Headmaster," I said, making my way to my things.

"It's the first day of school," another implored. He had dark hair that went past his ears, and he seemed to be smiling even though he wasn't. "Tell me how you can get in trouble on the first day of school. It has to be some sort of record."

I knew lying was my only option. I thought for a second before coming up with the perfect response. "It's easy when you know what you're doing," I said.

The boy with glasses started laughing. "I like him," he said to the second boy before turning back to me. "What's your name?"

"Remus Lupin."

"That is an amazing name," the boy with glasses said with conviction. He seemed to be somewhat in charge. "I'm James Potter."

"Sirius Black." The long haired boy raised his hand as he introduced himself.

"It's nice to meet you all," I said to them. I'm not sure what was funny about my saying that, but all of them started laughing. Not at me, I hope.

The other four boys weren't as forward with their introductions, but I managed to learn all their names before we went to bed. My other housemates are Daniel Tanner, Owen Burbage, Wesley Kingston, and Peter Pettigrew.

None of us stayed up much longer. It was late so we all got into our pajamas and settled into bed. I guess we all wanted to be awake for the first day of actual school tomorrow. That was my reasoning, anyway. The other guys might've just been tired.

* * *

><p><em>Quick Note: I am of the opinion that there cannot possibly be 5 of each gender in each house per year. It's kind of impossible for exactly 5 of each "type" to be born every year... So that is why there are a few more boys in the Marauder-era Gryffindor house than Harry's year.<em>

_Anyway. I've been writing this for a while, so I'll update pretty often.__ Please tell me what you think with a review!_


	2. Chapter 2

**Entry #3: Sunday Sept. 5, 1971 – One Day After**

Last night I found myself in the Hospital Wing at exactly five o'clock. Madam Pomfrey was encouraging, telling me that I would be okay and that she would take good care of me. I nodded and she bundled me up so we could get to the tree without anyone recognizing me.

I let the nurse lead me out of the school, feeling blind and nervous. I was scared, but I was always scared right before the full moon. We reached the tree and Madam Pomfrey took the blanket off my head. She grabbed a branch off the ground and pressed a nodule on the trunk of the tree. The Whomping Willow froze. I could see the open tunnel under the roots. "It's all right," Madam Pomfrey said. "Go on, Remus. I'll come and get you first thing in the morning."

I nodded and swallowed. I had never been alone during my transformations before. My parents had put me in the basement, but I always knew they were right up the stairs when the night was over. Seeing my unease, Madam Pomfrey took my hand and walked forward with me. "I'll go with you for a little ways," she said, and together we stepped into the tunnel. It made me feel a little better to be able to walk with her.

About halfway, she stopped and told me I had to continue alone. I sighed and did as she said, finding the shack by myself. It was dark and quiet and I wanted to be anywhere else. But I knew I had to stay. It was safe for everyone if I stayed.

I wandered through the small house that was technically mine. It seemed to be a normal house, complete with functioning bathroom and a kitchen with running water. I doubted I'd ever use either of those things, but it probably would have been suspicious if Dumbledore had a house built without a bathroom. There was a living area with an old couch and heavy curtains over the windows. Wondering what else Dumbledore had done to the house, I made my way upstairs and found two small bedrooms. One appeared to be a study and the other contained a large bed. I hadn't expected to find furniture, but I think Dumbledore wants me to be comfortable . . .

The last thing I remember doing last night is curling up on the bed. I know I didn't fall asleep, but I became conscious again downstairs in the middle of the kitchen floor. It was hard to stand up, and every part of me felt raw and torn open. My head felt as awful as it usually did the morning after and my lungs were full of sawdust. I saw the blood on my arms and my hands, and I could feel it caked on my face. I wanted to cry, but that never made me feel any better.

I forced myself to my feet and saw that the couch cushions were shredded on the ground. The curtains hung in strands over the windows. There were cracks in the walls and several parts of the banister had been broken off. I knew the upstairs was just as torn up, and I almost felt guilty for ruining what Dumbledore had built for me.

My legs were sore and I didn't want to keep standing. I collapsed back to the ground and decided I would not get back up. Luckily, the nurse came for me not too many minutes later. She gasped when she saw me on the floor and rushed over to help me up. Madam Pomfrey was carrying the blanket from the previous night and I was bundled up again for the trip back to the castle.

It was very early in the morning, so no one was around to see us. I stumbled along with the nurse as she took me up to the Hospital Wing. I was made to lie down on one of the beds and I instantly fell asleep. I didn't remember what I had done the night before but, whatever it was, it had been exhausting.

When I woke up again, the blood had been cleaned off and I had bandages covering what felt like every part of me. I had never been so well taken care of after a transformation and I really did feel better than usual.

Madam Pomfrey noticed that I was awake and she stepped over to the bed. "How are you feeling, Mr. Lupin?" she asked as she checked my bandages.

I winced when she touched a sore spot, but it didn't hurt as much as it normally would have. "I actually think I'm doing okay," I said, sitting up. "What time is it?"

"A little after noon," the nurse said, switching out the bandage on my arm. "You've been out for a while."

If that was the time, I had missed breakfast and my first two classes. I jumped to get up, hurting my arm, and Madam Pomfrey steadied me by grabbing my shoulders. "I have Potions right now," I tried. "I'm really late."

"Relax Mr. Lupin," she assured, forcing me to lie back down. "I know you must be a little disoriented, but it's only Sunday. You don't have class until tomorrow. So, please lay back down. I need to keep you under my care until this afternoon. The Headmaster wants to make sure you heal completely after each transformation."

She finished changing my bandages and I went back to relaxing. I had never had a full day of recuperation and I didn't know what to do with the time. I guess I fell asleep again because Madam Pomfrey woke me up several hours later to tell me that I could finally go. I thanked her for all that she had done, and she told me not to mention it. I knew I wouldn't.

I left the Hospital Wing feeling much better than I expected and I went back to Gryffindor tower. When I reached the dorm, I found James and Sirius sitting on James' bed. They had books open and it looked like they were working on homework, but they both stopped what they were doing to stare at me. Their faces were suspicious, and I knew that they had questions.

"Yes?" I wondered coolly, going to my own bed.

"We haven't seen you all day," James pointed out. I nodded, wondering if they were just going to state the obvious.

"And you didn't come back to the dorm last night," Sirius added. He seemed a little more suspicious than James. "What happened to you?"

"I was in the Hospital Wing," I answered truthfully. I could feel the fresh scars on my neck and I still had a bandage on my arm. I worried that the marks were obvious, that I had walked in with a limp, or the bandage was showing from under my sleeve. There was an obnoxious fear in the pit of my stomach that James and Sirius would point something out and my secret would be blown.

James shrugged. "Yeah, I don't blame you. I didn't feel too great last night either," he said, making a disgusted face. I could feel my shoulders relax when I realized he didn't have any more questions. "I think it was that roast beef we had for dinner. I thought about going to the Hospital Wing myself after eating _that_."

"Now that you mention it, I think something _was_ wrong with that meat," Sirius agreed. "It tasted funny. Not enough to send me to the Hospital Wing, though. I guess Remus here just has a sensitive stomach."

I laughed a little, relieved that they had drawn their own conclusions. As I pulled out my own books to start studying, I thought about what they would think when the next full moon came around. They would probably believe me if I claimed to be sick again, but I knew that excuse couldn't last forever. I approximated I could claim to have gotten "sick" for a few more months before anyone suspected a pattern. Then I would have to think of something else to say. I joined James and Sirius in working on homework, hoping they wouldn't think to ask any more questions.

I ended up having to review what our teachers had discussed on Friday. Neither James nor Sirius had paid much attention. Their so called 'notes' contained more doodles of Quidditch players and magical creatures than actual information from class. "I don't need to take notes," James defended. "It all stays up in my brain." He tapped the side of his head in a proud way.

"If it stays in your brain, why do you need my help?" I wondered, trying to explain why the Billywig is an essential Potions ingredient. They both seemed smart enough to understand the material, but intelligence doesn't matter much when you don't listen to the information.

"Oh, you don't get it, Remus," Sirius told me. "Once the information goes into his head, it stays in there. He can't get it back out." Sirius grinned and James punched him in the leg, but they both started laughing. I rolled my eyes.

Keeping up with school work is going to be harder than I thought, and it won't be because _I_ need the help.

**Entry #4: Friday Sept. 17 – Thirteen Days After**

We had partners in Herbology today. I had worried about partner day because I didn't want to be the kid who had to ask the teacher to find him a partner. Or worse, the kid who has to have the teacher as a partner.

Professor Sprout explained the assignment to the class before letting us pick who we wanted to work with. I think I was the only one to take down what we were supposed to do before thinking about partners. Everyone else was motioning across the room while the teacher was talking, making sure their preferred partner didn't get taken.

Sirius and James broke off right away, and Owen was nice enough to ask Peter to be his partner. Daniel didn't look twice at me, and Wesley asked someone from Hufflepuff, which I tried not to take personally. I looked to the girls in my house and saw them slowly pair off, some with other Gryffindor girls, others with people from Hufflepuff. I recognized the blonde girl from the train, and I knew she would want to work with one of her friends. I felt silly for thinking she might want to work with me and began to look to the Hufflepuffs.

Apparently, I was wrong because a moment later the blonde girl was standing in front of me. I blinked, certain I looked confused. "Hello," I tried, thinking that was the right thing to say.

"Hi." She gave an awkward smile. "You wouldn't want to be my partner would you?" she wondered. "I understand if you don't want to. It's just that . . . Molly said she wanted to work with Elaina. I guess she wants to make friends in her own house, which is fine, but it leaves me with no partner. And I thought, 'what the heck?' I need to make new friends anyway."

I remembered a Molly from her conversation on the train, and I supposed Molly had been placed Hufflepuff. "I . . . uh, sure," I said eventually, after my brain had gotten around the idea.

"Great." The girl sat down next to me and paused. "You know, I feel like we haven't really been introduced. I mean, I guess we met on the train, but we haven't really talked."

"You're right," I said, suddenly very self conscious. "I . . . I don't even know your name."

"Oh! Well, my name is Allison Bond," she introduced. The name suited her. "But please call me Allie. Everyone else does. And . . . yours is Remus Lupin, right?" I stared at her, wondering how she knew, and she grinned. "I've heard the teachers say your name. Um . . ." Allie glanced slowly around the table, as if searching for something. "Right. I think I've forgot all of my things." She hopped up, a little sheepishly, and grabbed her bag from her old seat.

Allie sat back down and started organizing our gardening tools. I read through my notes, still wondering how Allie could want to work with me. Maybe I wasn't as strange as I thought.

After a few quiet moments, Allie glanced at me out of the corner of her eye. I glanced back, and she turned towards me. "So, I have to admit I have some ulterior motives for wanting to work with you," she confessed. I frowned, having figured as much. "Sirius was talking about you."

"You know Sirius?" I wondered. I had only ever seen Sirius hanging out with James.

"I don't really 'know' him, per se," she went on. "It's more that _he_ wants to know _me_, so he likes to talk to me a lot. But he likes to talk to a lot of girls, so . . ." I nodded, realizing what she meant. Whenever Sirius wasn't with James, he was talking to any girl who struck his fancy. A lot of girls seem to strike his fancy. "Anyway, Sirius told me you helped him with that Herbology assignment last week, and . . . I'm not doing too well in this class."

"Oh, okay," I said, understanding immediately. "I'd be happy to help." I wasn't sure if I was upset or not. On the one hand, I finally got to learn her name. On the other hand, I only got to meet her because she wanted me to be her tutor. Was that really a bad thing though? She thought I was smart. She needed me to help her. It wasn't the worst reason to get to know someone.

"Thanks." She grinned and squeezed my wrist before turning back to the bean plant in front of us. "So do you understand what we're supposed to do with this thing?"

"Yeah. Uh, it's fairly simple," I started before pulling out my wand and going through the directions. Allie paid very close attention and together we managed to harvest the little plant. She wasn't as hopeless as she had made herself out to be. Most of the harvesting she managed to do herself, and I began to wonder if she had lied about needing my help.

"Well, that wasn't so hard!" she cried when Sprout came by to check our progress. We did very well with our bean sprouts. "Thank you so much Remus!"

"It's no problem," I said, not sure what I had really done. It was as simple as following my notes, but she seemed really happy.

"You know, I might just keep you as my class partner," Allie claimed, and I wondered if I could hold her to that. "Oh, hey, do you want to work with me on the Transfiguration essay later?"

"Why? Do you need help in Transfiguration, too?" I was beginning to feel slightly used. I didn't want her to talk to me just because she needed my help, even if she was the first person to be nice to me at Hogwarts.

Allie shook her head. "Oh, no, I'm only bad at Herbology," she explained. "I just thought we could work on it together. You're fun to work with. And since I had to end up in a different house than all of my other friends, everyone else is busy."

"Oh I see," I said with a smile. "I'm your back up plan."

"Only if you want to be negative about it," she argued. "I've actually been meaning to talk to you for a while. I felt bad for not saying anything to you on the train, but Rachel was really mad at Molly, so I had to deal with that unpleasantness."

"Unpleasantness?" I wondered, thinking the word sounded funny. I assumed Rachel was her brunette friend from the train.

"Yes, unpleasantness. It is very unpleasant having to deal with her all the time," she defended, talking fast. "Rachel gets mad so easily, and it's getting ridiculous. I mean, you heard her complaining about Molly when we were on the train, right? All Molly did was tell Leena that Rachel said she talks a lot, which she does. Rachel got so angry that she couldn't let it go. They got in this huge fight and I don't think she's ever going to talk to Molly again. That is totally ridiculous, right?"

"Totally ridiculous," I agreed. I hadn't really followed her story but I nodded anyway.

Allie stared at me blankly for a second, trying to understand my reaction, before laughing out loud. "I'm sorry, Remus. I keep talking about myself," she said. "I'm as bad as Rachel."

"No, it's fine," I assured. "I like listening."

She started to say something else, but the bell rang. "Oh, that's the bell. I gotta go, but we'll talk later, I promise," Allie said. "See you after classes let out to work on that essay?"

"Of course," I agreed. She smiled and gathered her things before walking out of the room with the girl I could only guess was Molly.

I grabbed my own books and saw that James and Sirius were waiting for me just outside the door. I wondered why, until Sirius spoke up. "How did you get Allison Bond to talk to you?" he questioned, like I had pulled off some sort of trick. "She doesn't talk to me. Why you?"

"It was magic!" I declared, complete with a flourish of my hands. I didn't know what I had done, either. James laughed.

"No, seriously. How did you get her to talk to you?" Sirius asked as we made our way up the stairs to the Charms room. He seemed genuinely worried about this and I looked at James, who tried to seem like he wasn't paying attention.

"I don't know what you want me to tell you," I answered. "It's not like I can set off some kind of signal that makes her want to talk to me. Maybe she just _doesn't_ want to talk to you."

"Did she tell you that?"

"Not in so many words," I tried, not sure why he cared. The conversation seemed rather pointless. "All she really said about it was that you try to talk to her a lot. But from the way she said it . . ."

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "How did she say it?"

"She said it like you annoy her, mate," James said suddenly, and then he had a grin on his face. He couldn't resist poking fun at Sirius any longer. "It's not that hard to figure out."

"Exactly," I surmised and James laughed.

We reached the Charms room and Sirius tried his best not to act offended. For a moment, as Allie walked in the classroom, Sirius got his hopes up when she waved in our direction. He had assumed she was waving to him, but then I smiled back at her and Sirius realized she had been waving to me. James sniggered and Sirius hit him in the arm. "Shut up, both of you. How do you know she wasn't waving at me?"

"Why do you care, mate?" James wondered. "It's not like all the other girls don't find you interesting enough. Why focus on Allie?"

"She's cute," Sirius reasoned. "Why not focus on her? Besides, I _know_ most of the girls like me. But, if _most_ of them like me, then why can't _all_ of them like me? It is possible and I will make it happen. Everyone needs a goal."

I rolled my eyes and James laughed again. Despite the ridiculousness of the conversation, I couldn't help but smile. It was the first time I had sat with the two of them during class and I actually enjoyed their distracting company. It was even amusing when they charmed Professor Flitwick's quill to fly out of his hand whenever he tried to write with it. Lucky for them, Flitwick found it amusing, and Gryffindor gained five house points for 'displaying a superior knowledge of advanced charms.'

After Charms class was over, James and Sirius offered me a seat at lunch. I was more than happy to join them, mainly because I didn't have anyone else to sit with. We ended up talking about how amazing Professor Flitwick was to not give either of them detention, and I wondered if this was how people felt when they spent time with friends. It was a good feeling, and I think they liked having me around.

We finished the rest of our classes and then James pulled out a deck of cards to teach me how to play Exploding Snap in the common room. James and Sirius beat me every round, considering I had never played before, but I was the victor when I taught them how to play Rummy.

I hadn't been sure if Allie would actually keep the plans we had made or not, so I was a little surprised when she joined the three of us at our card table. "Hey Remus," she greeted, standing next to the table to watch our game. "Did you want to––"

"Not now, Allie," James mumbled, interrupting her. He was very focused on playing the game. "I think I'm finally winning this bleeding game."

"If you're playing Rummy, you're not winning, James," she informed, and she sat down in the chair next to me. "Remus is winning."

I ignored the look Sirius was giving me, like I had made her appear out of thin air. "Do you know how to play?" I asked. Rummy is definitely a Muggle game.

Allie grabbed the cards even though we were still playing and shuffled the deck. "Yes and I'd like to think I'm pretty good," she told us, dealing out another game. "My grandpa is a Muggle and it makes him feel left out if my grandma and I use magic–y stuff without him, so all we do is play cards when I visit over the summer."

We played a round, and she effectively defeated us all very quickly. Sirius was impressed and James was confused as to how he had even lost. I just smiled. "You are good."

"I know," Allie said. "And now that you've finished your game . . . Remus, do you want to work on that essay?"

I laughed, realizing what she had done, and got up from the table. "Yes I do," I said cordially, following her.

Sirius gave me another look and James hit him in the arm. "Let him have fun on his date," he implored. "Don't be jealous." I shot a mean look back at them, hoping Allie hadn't heard.

Allie and I retrieved our books and found another table to work at. "Who taught you how to play Rummy?" she wondered, spreading her notes out in front of her.

"My grandfather is a Muggle, too," I explained, and I took out my own notes. I had already finished most of my essay the night before, so the notes were mostly for show. "And my family doesn't live in a wizarding neighborhood. We live in the middle of Crouch End. That's Muggle London, so . . ." I didn't want to tell her why we lived there, and I hoped she wouldn't ask.

For the record, it's because Muggles are more apt to believe that the howling they hear coming from our basement once a month is our dog. We don't have a dog. Muggles just don't believe in our world as much as we're afraid they do.

"What's that like? Living around Muggles?" Allie wanted to know. She didn't look like she was ready to start working any time soon, and I was fine with that. "It seems like it would be hard, not being able to use magic, and all."

"Well, technically, I'm not allowed to use magic outside of school anyway. So I guess it will make that rule a bit easier to follow," I supposed.

"Who even follows that rule?" Allie questioned. "My sister uses magic all the time outside of school. She uses it to curl her hair, and mend her clothes, and clean her room . . . and she never gets in trouble. I don't think that rule really applies."

I shrugged. "It probably applies more to wizards living near Muggles," I guessed. "That would be more of a problem than using magic around other wizards, I'd think."

"I guess that makes sense," she reasoned. "The Trace can't pick out who cast the spell, can it?"

I shrugged again. "I don't think so. It can only pick out where the spell was cast. The Ministry probably thinks it's your parents when your sister uses magic."

"I should keep that in mind when I'm home this summer," Allie said. "If Erin can break the rules, I can break the rules."

I laughed a little and considered concentrating on my paper. I wanted to write down the next sentence of my essay, but my quill wanted me to listen to her instead. "So, your sister's name is Erin?" I asked to keep the conversation going.

"Yes. Fantastic Erin," Allie said, rolling her eyes like 'fantastic' had to be said as a part of her sister's name. "She's a fifth year now. I also have an older brother named Mitchell. He's in Gryffindor house too and he's the Head Boy this year, actually. And Erin got her Prefects' badge for Ravenclaw over the summer . . . Mum and dad expect her to be Head Girl when she's a seventh year, too."

"Well, that's good," I tried. "Siblings like that could be helpful."

She shook her head. "Not when it means I'm basically required to earn a Prefect badge when I'm in fifth year," Allie complained, talking fast again. "And if Erin gets Head Girl, then I'll have to get Head Girl, too. Otherwise, I'll be a failure as a child of Richard and Silvia Bond."

"It can't be as dramatic as all that," I said. "I highly doubt your parents will disown you for not getting a Prefect's badge." We weren't working, so I didn't feel guilty about closing my book and pushing it to the side.

"Probably not," she agreed. "But I think I'll feel like a failure. I mean, if Erin can do it, why shouldn't I be able to do it, too? You know what I mean?"

I just looked at her, for once grateful that I didn't have a brother or sister. A sibling had been a secret wish of mine for several years. "Not really," I told her. "I'm an only child."

"Lucky for you," she said. "You don't have to deal with any pressure. You don't have to live up to some ridiculous expectations. You get to be normal."

I had to fight myself to keep from laughing out loud. If only she knew how abnormal I really was. I wanted to tell her, to let her know she wasn't the only one with pressure, but I doubted that telling her about my condition would be relative to overly ambitious siblings.

"You're not alone," I said, wanting to say something reassuring. "I normally wouldn't even be able to go to school, and Dumbledore is doing me a big favor by helping me go to Hogwarts. If I don't do well, I might not be able to go here anymore."

"Oh . . . I didn't know that. I'm sorry." Allie gave me a sympathetic look, but was quick to change the tone back to 'happy.' "I guess we'll just have to do well together, then," she declared, glancing at her paper. "And that probably means we should actually work on this essay, doesn't it? Before it gets too late."

"Right." I reopened my book and I was finally able to write the next sentence on my paper.

I only had two paragraphs left to write, so I finished soon after. Allie noticed and stared at my finished paper, making a face. "You're finished," she said, sounding confused. "If you were that close to being done, why did you agree to work with me?"

"Well . . ." I began, not entirely sure. "You _wanted_ to work with me. I thought it would be nice to spend time with you. I mean, you were nice to me on the train . . ."

"Are you kidding?" she wanted to know. I shook my head and she balked. "I was terrible to you on the train! I said you could sit with me and then I ignored you the entire time. I even left the car! How was that nice?"

I thought for a second, wondering how she could think she had been mean. "No one else let me sit with them," I pointed out. "You did. That was nice."

That seemed to take her off guard. I could tell by her expression that she didn't know what to say. "I'm glad Dumbledore is helping you go to this school, Remus," she said at last, before smiling and getting back to her essay.

I smiled back and pulled out the vocabulary assignment we had been given in Charms. I was happy Dumbledore let me go to his school, too.

* * *

><p>Tonks had to close the book then. It felt wrong, somehow, delving into his thoughts and the life he had before her. She stared at the blank brown cover, ran her fingers over the smooth leather, and wondered what to do with the diary. Was it wrong to keep reading? There were so many stories hidden in the remaining pages, so much left for Tonks to learn about her husband, that it seemed a waste to set the diary aside and ignore it.<p>

But how long could she hide in her room with this diary? His memories were not him. She would have to face reality soon, a reality without Remus.

She made up her mind. Tonks hid the diary under the pillow again, in the same spot in case Remus came back for it, and pushed it out of her thoughts.


	3. Chapter 3

A moment after the book was back under the pillow, Tonks heard a loud knock at the front door. She wasn't expecting company. What if . . . It couldn't be him? But it could. Her heart beat a little faster as she got off the bed. He might have changed his mind halfway down the street. He might have come to his senses.

Just the thought, no matter how improbable, was enough to send her running out of the bedroom. She sprinted through the hall, yanked the front door open, and shouted, "I knew you'd come back!" as she threw her arms around the newcomer.

Her mother jumped. "I didn't think you were expecting me," Andromeda said, returning the embrace. "And why wouldn't I come back? Come back from where?"

"Oh. Nowhere, mother. I thought . . . Nevermind. Just . . . come in." Tonks stepped back to let her mother into the entryway. Andromeda gave a curious look as she passed and Tonks kept her gaze steady, following her mother to the kitchen.

Andromeda sat down at the small dining table, still staring at Tonks. "How are you doing, Dora?" she wondered.

Tonks did not immediately answer. Instead she busied herself with preparing two cups of tea. "I'm fine," Tonks lied. She placed a mug on the table in front of her mother. "A little surprised to see you, though. You usually let me know when you're stopping by."

"I received a message," Andromeda said, taking a sip of her tea. "I don't know from whom, but it said you might need me right now."

"Did it?" Tonks asked. She sat down at the table too and found she couldn't look at her mother. He had really left her then, hadn't he? Telling her mother she needed help . . . He wasn't going to take care of her anymore, so he had sent someone else to do it. She felt the tears welling up in her eyes and she set her cup of tea on the table so Andromeda wouldn't see her shaking hands.

"Dora . . . where is Remus?"

She knew. Somehow, her mother knew. Tonks couldn't hold back anymore and she let herself cry. "He left me," she moaned. "He didn't want a baby, and he said we should have talked about it first. He said it was a mistake to marry me. He doesn't want me anymore. I don't think he's coming back this time."

Andromeda was by her daughter's side in a second. "Well good riddance, I say. He doesn't deserve you if this is how he's going to act. Don't take him back even if he begs."

"But mum—"

"No you don't get a say in the matter!" Andromeda said. "He has done too much to this family. First he plays with your heart, then he gets your father and me tortured just to help that Potter boy, and now he leaves you while you're pregnant with is child? I don't think so. Go get your things. You're coming home with me."

Tonks knew it was useless to argue. Her mother would make her go with her either way. "Yes mum," she said, going back to her room to find a bag. She began grabbing random pieces of clothing but stopped suddenly, glancing over at the bed. Making a quick decision, she reached under Remus' pillow and took the diary. She stuffed it into her bag and resumed packing.

* * *

><p><strong>Entry #5: Saturday Oct. 2, 1971 – Two Days Before<strong>

I wanted to spend the day resting. It's getting rather close to the full moon and I didn't feel at all well when I woke up. My dorm mates, on the other hand, had other ideas and I apparently had no say in the matter.

I had already gone back to sleep, and planned on staying there, but James pulled my pillow out from under my head. I groaned and opened my eyes to give him the evil eye. "I was sleeping," I growled. "What do you want?"

"It's almost noon," he pointed out. "Even Sirius doesn't sleep until noon. Come watch me try out for the Quidditch team instead. You know you want to!"

What I wanted was to go back to sleep. The room was empty except for the two of us, and it would be very easy to sleep in the quiet. "You're not going to give my pillow back, are you?" I grumbled.

"Very observant," he smiled. I saw him throw my pillow to the other side of the room, and I gave up the dream of sleeping all day. "Now get dressed and come with me. Sirius and Peter are already waiting down at the pitch, and if you don't get up, I'm going to keep talking."

Reluctantly, I dragged myself out of bed. Anything to make James leave me alone. I threw on a pair of pants over my pajama bottoms, sticking with the flannel night top. I wasn't thinking about looking decent. I wasn't really thinking at all.

James decided to not question my wardrobe choice and I followed him out of the school. At this point, I didn't really remember where we were going, so I was confused when we wound up at the Quidditch pitch. Sirius waved to me from the stands and I joined him and Peter, and several other observers, on the uncomfortable benches.

"Get dressed much?" Sirius mocked.

I looked down at my clothes, only then realizing that I was outside the common room in my pajamas. "I was sleeping," I explained. "I woke up two minutes ago." Sirius laughed at me.

We sat back and watched James join the rest of the people trying out for the Quidditch team. He was definitely the youngest person in the crowd. Despite that, he seemed confident, holding his new broom with pride as he stood among his taller and much bigger competition.

When the captain called the Chasers forward, he looked at James as if he couldn't figure out why there was a first year in the group. James didn't seem to notice the captain didn't want him there. He mounted his broom all the same and raced alongside the older students.

His run was impressive, and he came in at a very close second. He seemed to hold his own throughout the entire audition, even during the passing drill. He did well, and I was sure he would get one of the Chaser positions. But at the end of tryouts, Captain Darryl did not call James forward. James' face fell. He knew he had done better than that.

"Rubbish!" Sirius shouted next to me. "That captain is a joke."

James waited until Darryl filled all the other positions before approaching him. "Captain, I know you have the final say on who gets on the team," he began, trying to be polite but coming across as arrogant. "But I know I did better than all those other Chasers you picked. Why didn't I get a spot?" I was impressed with his boldness.

"You tell him, James!" Sirius called out and I elbowed him.

Darryl made a face, ignoring Sirius. "You're good, but you're only a first year, Potter," he said simply. "I'm required to hold tryouts every year, but that doesn't mean I have to change my team. All of the players I picked were the players I picked last year. I'm not going to kick anyone off the team just because some first year came in and thinks he deserves a chance. I wouldn't even let my own brother try out. Daniel's good, but he's still a first year. You wasted your time."

"But I did better than they did!" James argued. "That's completely unfair!"

Darryl just shrugged. "I don't know what else to tell you, Potter," he said with finality. "I guess you can just try out again next year." That was the end of the conversation. The captain turned away from James and went back to his chosen team.

James walked over to the benches, looking utterly dejected. "Don't worry, mate," Sirius assured. "You'll make the team next year and that captain will regret not choosing you this time."

"Thanks," James mumbled, walking off the field. Sirius jumped up to follow him and clapped him on the shoulder. Peter and I followed as well, listening to Sirius complain loudly about Darryl. James wasn't saying much.

As we headed back up the stairs to the common room, we ran into Allie, who seemed happy to see us. Rachel was walking with her. She was less happy to see us. "I was just looking for you guys," Allie greeted. "How'd tryouts go, James?"

James didn't answer. He kept trudging up the stairs, and Allie looked to the rest of us for answers. "Darryl wouldn't let him on the team just because he's a first year," Sirius explained sadly. "He's taking it pretty hard."

"Oh, well, that's too bad," she supposed. "Better luck next year, I guess. Do you think he'll be okay?"

"I'm sure he'll bounce back," Sirius said. "I should keep him company." He smiled at her before following after James. Peter was quick behind him.

I stepped to go with them, but Allie grabbed my arm. "Oh, Remus. I don't know if you have plans right now," she started, "but Rachel and I were going out by the lake. I was wondering if you wanted to come along."

Rachel looked at me, and I wasn't sure what her frowning expression meant. "Uh, sure," I agreed, though I didn't think Rachel was entirely keen on inviting me.

Allie was happy with my answer even if Rachel wasn't, and all three of us started down the stairs. Rachel made sure she trailed slightly behind. "Remus?" Allie asked after a moment. "I feel I have to ask—why are you in your pajamas?"

Again I glanced down at my wardrobe. To my surprise, I was still wearing my long–sleeved flannel top and my pajama bottoms were visible from under my jeans. "I was sleeping," I said, not sure how I could assume my outfit had changed.

"And what?" Rachel questioned, deciding my humiliation was reason enough for her to pay attention. "Did someone magically transport you out of bed? Or were you just too lazy to actually get dressed this morning?" I wasn't sure what I had done to provoke the hostile way she was talking to me, and I stopped short.

"What was that for, Rachel?" Allie wondered, coming to my defense. "It's just pajamas. Maybe he wanted to be comfortable."

I nodded. "Yeah, that could be it. Or maybe James made me get up and told me I had to get dressed right then and there," I added. "I got confused so I put my pants on over my pants and went outside. I was already at the Quidditch pitch when I realized I was still in my pajamas."

Allie giggled.

"In other words, he was too lazy to get dressed," Rachel pointed out. She gave me a mean look. I'm beginning to get the feeling that Rachel doesn't like me. "He could have at least taken a shower or something."

I had taken a shower before I had gone to bed, so I wasn't entirely sure what she was implying. Did I smell? "Rachel!" Allie scolded. "Why are you being so rude?"

Rachel sighed heavily. "I just don't want someone like him hanging out with us," she said, and it seemed like she was itching to get away from me. She kept shooting anxious glances down the hallway, and she wouldn't look me in the eye.

"What's that supposed to mean, 'someone like him'?" Allie questioned suspiciously. It felt strange to be standing in the middle of their argument and I took a step back. "Do you mean a half–blood? Because Remus has the exact same bloodline as I do. Do you mean a Gryffindor? I'm a Gryffindor, too, in case you didn't notice. And if you mean he's a boy, then why is it that Shawn is allowed to hang out with us all the time? Or is Shawn okay because he also happens to be another pureblood in Slytherin? What did you mean, Rachel?"

"None of the above," Rachel spat back, shooting me a glare. If that was the case, I had a sinking feeling that I knew exactly what part of me had offended her. I wasn't entirely certain how she could have discovered that part of me, but it was the only logical conclusion. "I need to go," she muttered. "Have fun with _him_, Allie."

Rachel turned down the nearest hallway and left Allie standing with me, confused. "I'm so sorry about that, Remus," Allie apologized. "I have no idea what set that off."

I shrugged, even though it was obvious to me what had set Rachel off. I felt it was okay if Allie didn't know Rachel's shallow–minded reasoning. "It's fine," I assured, and it was fine. I had gotten used to far worse reactions than avoidance. "If Rachel doesn't like me, she doesn't like me. It's not that big a deal."

Allie smiled a reluctantly happy smile and we continued walking towards the large double doors. "Just so you know, you don't smell bad or anything," Allie clarified. "I don't know why Rachel would say that. I'm really sorry."

"Stop apologizing. You didn't say anything," I countered.

Allie sighed. "I know. I just wanted my new friend to get along with my other friends," she admitted. I tried not to dwell on the fact that she had called me 'friend.' "Maybe it's Rachel I can't mix with anyone else."

"Does she have this type of problem with everybody?" I asked. If Rachel acted this way on a regular basis, maybe she wasn't being prejudice to my condition. It was possible she was just being mean, and I had nothing to worry about.

She pondered that for a moment. "It's possible," Allie said with a grin. "I mean, Rachel is still mad at Molly. And she claimed to have a bunch of homework when I wanted to introduce her to Kate . . . It's definitely Rachel."

I smiled, appreciating what she was saying whether it was true or not. We made our way outside and Allie led me along the shore of the lake until we found a tree right near the edge of the water. The sun that had been out during tryouts had fallen behind clouds and it was colder than it had been earlier. I was actually happy to be outside in the warm flannel night shirt.

I thought we were going to sit down, but Allie had other ideas. Without a word, she grabbed onto a lower branch and hoisted herself up into the tree. Once she was up, she glanced back at me, wondering why I wasn't right behind her. "This isn't the Whomping Willow," she told me with a grin. "It won't hurt you."

Being the only student at Hogwarts who has been close enough to the willow tree to know how dangerous it actually is, I couldn't help but laugh. "What's so funny?" Allie wondered, giving me a strange look.

"This feels like a dream," I explained, not technically lying, but not really answering her question. "I'm climbing a tree next to a lake with a giant squid in it, and I'm in my pajamas."

"At least you're not in your underwear." She giggled and gestured for me to climb up. I obeyed and she made room for me by moving to a branch that hung out over the water. Allie sat down and dangled her feet over the lake with a smile on her face. I could tell she had done this before. "Isn't it pretty up here?" she asked me, staring down at the water.

I only had a view of the solid ground below me, but that was fine by me. I didn't want to get wet if I ended up falling. "It's quiet," I said. "I like it. Do you hide in this tree very often?"

"I wouldn't call it hiding," she answered. "But I spend a lot of time thinking, and it's not even about important stuff. I just think, you know? Things like, 'can wizards talk if they're in an animagus form?' or 'where do chocolate frogs go when they escape?' Random things like that." She gave me a smile. "Do you want to know what I think about the most while I'm up here?"

It made me feel somewhat important that she was sharing this with me. "What do you think about the most?" I prompted, knowing she wanted to tell me.

"Jumping in," she declared. Her eyes were focused back on the lake. "I don't know if I would get in trouble or not. Do you think jumping in the lake is against the rules?"

I shook my head. "Dumbledore would have said something when school started if it was against the rules," I tried. "But I don't know if you should—"

Allie clearly wasn't listening anymore. The expression on her face was clear, as if my telling her it was okay to jump in the lake was all the incentive she needed. Before I could finish my sentence, she glanced at me and leapt into the water with a yelp. I scrambled over to the branch she had jumped from and watched the ripples she made until her head popped back up. She looked completely exhilarated.

"Why did you do that?" I called down to her.

She spit water out of her mouth, treading water. "Why don't you?" she wondered back to me, as if I was the one being crazy.

I had to think for a moment, trying to figure out exactly why I didn't want to get in the water. Wasn't the fact that it was a dirty lake enough? "Because I'll get wet," I said, deciding that was the real reason.

"Besides that!"

That had been a pretty good reason to me. I came up with a few more excuses, but she wouldn't hear them. I told her it was too cold, and she said, "The sun will come back out." I told her I was still in my pajamas, and she told me, "You need to get dressed anyway!" I had a feeling that she would think of something to counter every excuse I gave, so I decided I couldn't argue anymore. Allie swam out of the way and I jumped in after her, not landing nearly as elegantly as she had.

It just added to the surreal feeling. I had climbed a tree in my pajamas only to jump out of said tree into a lake with a very visible giant squid. I saw a tentacle wave to me when I surfaced again. "I have no idea why I just did that," I said, realizing how cold the water actually was. I could feel my soaked clothing starting to weigh me down.

"Why? Do you regret it?" Allie wondered, swimming up next to me. Either she wasn't fazed by the cold water, or she was really good at hiding it.

"Not as much as I thought I would," I answered, treading water. "My pajamas are kind of heavy to swim in . . ."

Allie smiled. Her lips were turning blue. "I'm glad you jumped," she told me, and then I could tell she was trying to hide her chattering teeth. "But you were r–right earlier. It's really cold out here. W–we should go inside and change."

I followed her out of the water and we dripped on the grass for a while. We were still soaking when we finally got back into the castle, and I was worried one of the teachers would stop us. But we made it back to Gryffindor tower without notice. The only hint we had been there was the long trail of water we had left from the front doors to the portrait of the Fat Lady.

When we entered the common room, Allie camped out by the fire to warm up and I headed upstairs to the dormitories, wanting out of the wet clothes as soon as possible. James and Sirius were sitting together on Sirius' bed, and James had a Quidditch book on his lap. They both stared at me as I entered the room, as if it were peculiar for me to come back soaking wet. "All right, Remus?" James asked with a funny look on his face.

"Are you . . . wet?" Sirius went on, tilting his head. He got up from the bed and grabbed my shirt to check. "You are wet. What the hell?"

"I jumped in the lake," I said simply, sidestepping Sirius to get to my trunk. I rummaged around until I found a new, more day–appropriate outfit and proceeded to change while James and Sirius continued to stare.

"What'd you do that for?" James wanted to know. "You do realize there's a giant squid in that lake, right?"

I shrugged, pulling on my shirt. "I'm not sure how Allie got me to do it," I admitted. "One second we were up in a tree, and the next she had jumped into the water and was talking me into jumping, too."

"I guess she succeeded," Sirius reasoned with a laugh. I threw my soggy clothes in the hamper by the door and fell into my bed, ready to relax again. Sirius wasn't done talking, though, and he sat down near my feet. "What's with you and her, anyway? All of a sudden you want to go jump in lakes with Allison Bond rather than console our poor grieving James about his Quidditch crisis. He's in real pain."

"Sirius, you're just jealous because he's talking to the one girl in our house who won't talk to you," James said. He didn't seem too broken up about what had happened earlier.

"No, I just want to know," Sirius insisted. "I mean, he's been spending as much time with her as he spends with us. Do you like her or something, Remus?"

James looked up from his book, realizing he was curious about that, too.

I gave them both blank stares. Why would they automatically think that? "No," I replied, bewildered. "Isn't it possible that she's my friend? And isn't it possible that I want to spend time with her simply _because_ she's my friend? Does it have to be that I like her?"

"Me thinks thou doth protest too much," Sirius mocked. "It would have been more believable to stick with 'no.' I guess now I understand why you wouldn't introduce me to her before."

I sighed. If I said anything more at this point, it would only be 'protesting too much' and I didn't want to give either of them the satisfaction. I kicked a sniggering Sirius off my bed and closed the curtains. I needed to sleep.

**Entry #6: Wednesday Oct. 6, 1971 – Two Days After**

Yesterday, I missed all of my classes because Madam Pomfrey wouldn't let me leave the Hospital Wing. I had planned on making it in time for at least Astronomy, but the nurse wouldn't hear it. It may have had something to do with the fact that, while transformed, I tore open a muscle in my right shoulder, but I'm going to assume it was because Madam Pomfrey is too overprotective.

Several of my teachers were kind enough to give me the schoolwork after I got out of the Hospital Wing, and I had to spend all of last night making up missing work. Luckily, James and Sirius believed my 'I got sick' story again, and were willing to go over their notes with me. I was hesitant at first, but it looked like they had actually paid attention while I was gone and I was able to copy down some decent information.

It was a lot of effort, considering I had to finish homework on top of all the missing class work. I was so exhausted when I finally went to bed that I was out cold the instant I was lying down. If this is going to happen every time I miss my classes, I am not looking forward to the next full moon. Not that I was really looking forward to it in the first place.

My shoulder still hurt when I woke up this morning. I could hardly lift my arm, but I had already missed enough class time and refused to miss any more just because I was sore. I forced myself out of bed and went about my normal routine, barely making it through the morning by using my left hand for everything.

The stiffness made Sirius suspicious, I think. He wanted to know why I looked so awkward brushing my teeth, and then he realized it was because I was doing it left handed. "You know that would be easier if you used your other hand, right?" he suggested. I couldn't tell if he was trying to be helpful, or condescending. "You _are_ right handed."

"Yes, but I think I would rather like being ambidextrous," I replied quickly.

Sirius raised his eyebrows and watched me for another moment as I spat in the sink. Then James came out of his stall and Sirius decided James was more worth his time than observing my brushing habits.

While I could manage to brush my teeth with my left hand, writing with it was an entirely different matter. It ended up looking like a chicken that stepped in ink had walked across my parchment, and even I couldn't read what I had written. Using my right hand didn't fare much better, considering I couldn't actually hold the quill with that hand, but words actually appeared on the paper when I managed to keep my grip.

Allie was sitting next to me, as she has done for several days now, and she could tell I was struggling. "Are you not feeling very well, Remus?" she wondered after I had dropped my quill for the third time.

I tried to pick the quill back up. "I'm a little tired," I mumbled.

"Are you sure that's it?" Allie asked. "You look worse than tired. I mean, I hate to say you look terrible but . . ."

I nodded. "But I look terrible," I finished for her. It wasn't that shocking to hear. Even with Madam Pomfrey's amazing care, I still manage to look like death warmed over after every full moon. Admittedly with less visible scars.

"Yeah," she laughed. "Not to be mean, or anything. It just seems like you've been sick. I noticed you weren't in class yesterday. I was worried."

I tried to keep my face impassive. Sick didn't even begin to cover it, but I couldn't let anyone know how sick I actually was. "I guess it could be a cold," I allowed, attempting to write again. My shoulder burned at the effort, but I needed to put on a bold face if I wanted to keep up appearances.

"Well, I hope you start to feel better soon," she said. "I mean, I heard you were sick last month, too. You'd better hope it's not something serious. Or contagious. Because I need my study buddy. And I don't want to get sick."

I paused. Was she already starting to figure out a pattern? I was counting on "being sick" for a few more months before having to come up with a different excuse. Would she start theorizing if I got "sick" again next month? If Allie pays any attention at all to the moon, she could relate this "illness" to the moon phases and piece everything together . . .

The pause made her think I was having trouble writing again and she looked at me with a sad expression. "Is it hard for you to take notes?" she asked, concerned. "Maybe it's more than a cold if it hurts you to write."

I wasn't sure what to say. Would a cold make it hard to write? "I guess I'm just tired," I said. "I'm having a little trouble concentrating. What did Flitwick just say?"

She frowned and looked at her paper, deciding something. "Why don't you just relax today, Remus?" Allie said. "You can copy down my notes later, when you're feeling better, if you like." It sounded like a suggestion, but she took the quill from my hand and pushed my parchment away from me. "I want you to feel better."

Allie refocused on taking notes and, with my writing tools gone, I couldn't help staring at her. She was so amazingly kind to me, and I still had no idea why she even talked to me to begin with. Actually, I wasn't sure why any of them, Allie or James or any of my other house mates, talked to me. I had expected them all to act like Rachel and treat me like I was diseased . . . which I kind of am.

Allie spent the rest of the day taking very extensive notes, to make sure I would have the right information. It was a bit boring, because I didn't have anything to do except listen to the teacher and ignore the bits of parchment Sirius and James were flicking at my head. They were rather persistent about it, and my morning classes were littered with paper where I had been sitting. I doubted they wanted anything important.

They finally got the attention they had been craving from me when I sat with the two of them at lunch. "Why have you been ignoring us all morning?" James wondered. He did his best to appear hurt, and Sirius was eyeing my arm with a funny look.

"You were throwing paper at my head," I argued.

"Important paper," Sirius defended. I was using a fork with my left hand, and he seemed to find that very odd. "They were notes, and you didn't read any of them."

"I thought you were just trying to be obnoxious," I said. They both gave me a look, as if asking 'would we really do something like that?' and the answer to that is, yes, they would. But I didn't say that.

"That too," James smiled. "But you look slightly dead today and we wanted to know if you were okay."

"Plus, we saw that Allison Bond was working with you again," Sirius added. "She works with you all the bloody time, lately, doesn't she?"

James shook his head. "Sirius noticed that," he clarified. "You still sick or something?"

I shrugged my left shoulder, which Sirius took note of. James didn't appear to realize my other shoulder was in such bad shape. "I think I'm just tired because I was sick," I said, using my default excuse. It had worked so far.

"You know, Remus, we can't keep doing things like this for you," Sirius went on, clapping my shoulder. I'm positive he did it solely to see how I reacted. It made my arm go numb, but I kept the hurt off my face. "But James and I are decent people. We saw you weren't taking notes in class, and I don't know how often we can catch you up like this, but we are happy to help out a friend. After classes, of course."

His comment made me forget about the arm I could no longer feel. They considered me a friend. When did I start having friends? "Thanks," I said. "That would be nice."

It took a moment to remember that Allie had spent all morning diligently copying down every word our teachers had said just so I could take them down later. She hates taking notes. More often than not, _she_ has to copy _my _notes. I trusted her notes more than James' or Sirius' notes, but they wanted me to hang out with them later. Allie wanted me to hang out with her later. I had other kids who wanted to hang out with me later.

I decided I didn't need the help, but knew it wouldn't really hurt to have two copies of the same notes. I could do both, and I did. Allie and I met up right after classes so she could give me her notes. Then James and Sirius sat me down at a table in the common room for a session of what they have dubbed "Remedius Lessons," which are similar to actual remedial classes offered by teachers, with the added touch of degradation, I suppose.

Despite the fact that James and Sirius apparently believe me so hopeless that they have named their study sessions after me, I enjoyed the unnecessary tutoring. James and Sirius manage to make everything more interesting, even History of Magic notes on Goblin riots.

I'm not sure, but I think I actually have friends now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Entry #7: Tuesday Oct. 19, 1971 – Fourteen Days Before**

I absolutely hate it when there is no moon out.

In actuality, the new moon should be my favorite time of the month. When there isn't a moon, I don't feel sick, or even tired. I'm alert and focused and strong. It's almost as if I'm not even sick. The thing is, I hate feeling that healthy because the cycle starts all over again the next night. It makes the sickness all the more terrible because I'm periodically reminded of how great I would feel all the time if the moon didn't affect me.

I only mention it because tonight there is no moon and, as good as I feel, all I can think about is how terrible I will feel tomorrow.

I know I should take advantage of my good health and do something besides homework, but I'm worried people will realize I'm doing better. Allie and Sirius both noticed how healthy I looked this morning, and if they notice I'm healthy only at a certain times every month, they will notice I'm not healthy the rest of the month. Add that to my visits to the Shrieking Shack, pay attention to the moon phases, and you've got some pretty solid evidence that I'm a werewolf.

That's the first time I've written that word in this notebook. I've always been afraid that someone might read it if I wrote it down. Somehow, even if what I'm writing about is obvious, not writing that word has always made me feel more secure.

I don't know. Maybe I should cross it out?

**Entry #: Monday Nov. 1, 1971 – One Day Before**

Yesterday I learned that Halloween is something of a religion at Hogwarts. It is James' and Sirius' favorite holiday, and most other students say the same thing. All of the students get really into it, and some of them even find costumes. The Great Hall was elaborately decorated with pumpkins and bats and everything else orange and black. The ghosts came out from everywhere, trying to scare any innocent passersby. The ceiling turned stormy, and the entire place felt rather haunted.

I've never understood the appeal of Halloween, but that's probably because I've never really participated in normal Halloween festivities. I never decorated the house with ghosts and hanging bats. I never dressed up in a silly costume. I never went around the block collecting candy from our neighbors. One year when I was eight, my father suggested that we go out trick or treating, and he jokingly said that I could dress up as a werewolf. Needless to say, my mother did not find it funny, and I wasn't allowed to go. That instance probably ruined any and all future hopes of a fun Halloween for me.

That changed yesterday. James had spent all morning perfecting his Dracula costume, and Sirius was donning a dark hooded cloak. He had drawn the hood over his head, and was carrying a pretend scythe around menacingly. Even Peter had colored himself orange to create a makeshift Pumpkin costume. No one had told me that students were allowed to dress up, and I felt like the only person in my dormitory that wasn't in costume.

James made it his mission to remedy that fact. As we made our way down to breakfast, he grabbed my arm and pulled me into the nearest bathroom. For a long moment, he just stared at me as I stood awkwardly next to the sinks. "Is there a reason we're in the bathroom, James?" I had to ask. The fake blood and pale paint on his face was a little unsettling.

"Toilet paper," James announced suddenly. I didn't realize that he was answering my question until he disappeared into one of the toilet stalls and came back out with a roll of toilet paper in each arm.

I eyed it nervously, not sure what he meant to do with it. James pursed his mouth to the side, contemplating, before coming at me with the rolls. "You shall be a mummy," he declared. "It's perfect, because you've already got the whole dead complexion thing going for you." And then he proceeded to wrap the toilet paper around every inch of me. It took four rolls of paper and a charm or two to keep the paper from tearing or falling off. In the end, the only part of me that wasn't wrapped up was my eyes, and it was quite uncomfortable.

"That is much better," James told me as we went down to the Great Hall. "Now you don't look so foolish."

I actually felt more foolish than before, because it was soon apparent that the four of us were the only ones who actually dressed up. It had seemed like more earlier because I had only seen my dormmates and assumed everyone else would be dressed similarly. I knew I looked ridiculous, but sitting between Peter in his pumpkin outfit and Sirius in his Grim Reaper cloak made me feel less like an idiot.

I was glad when the day was over and everyone was settling in the common room for candy and pumpkin juice. It meant I could take off the toilet paper. What I hadn't expected was for Sirius to spontaneously decide that he wanted to go trick or treating around the school. James was all for the idea, and Sirius refused to go if I didn't come along. That meant neither of them would stop pestering me until I agreed. Peter offered to go, and they accepted, but they still would not go until I went with them, no matter how adamantly I refused.

"I just don't see why I have to go," I tried. They wouldn't let me take off the toilet paper just yet. "Peter wants to go, and you can have just as much fun without me."

"But _you_ won't have just as much fun," Sirius argued. "Think of this as Remedius Lessons, but instead of class work, you'll be learning how to have fun. You need to learn how to enjoy yourself eventually, Remus. We're happy to teach you, but you have to be willing to learn. So are you coming trick or treating with us or not?"

I didn't want to, but I worried about what would happen if I refused. What if they gave up on me and never invited me to anything else? I finally had friends and it wasn't worth giving them up for a few more hours of sleep. "I guess I'll come with you," I said, very reluctantly.

Sirius grinned and found us each a makeshift bag to use. Mine previously held a container of biscuits from James' mum. We then made our way out the portrait hole, not really having to sneak past the party because no one was paying attention.

It should be noted that there is a reason the other students didn't have the ever so brilliant idea to go trick or treating through the castle way past curfew. For one, the teachers don't take money out of their wallets to buy their hundreds of students hundreds of pieces of candy. For two, the teachers go to sleep around 9–ish. For three, and I'm repeating this for emphasis in case it wasn't caught the first time, it was way past curfew. Either James and Sirius weren't aware of when curfew was, or they were very aware we weren't supposed to be out and chose to be out anyway.

Regardless of why we were out, we were out and we stopped at the Headmaster's office first. Dumbledore came down through the gargoyle in his pajamas and bunny slippers and gave all of our costumes curious looks. "Trick or treat!" the others shouted. I didn't shout so much as mumble it with an expression of being held against my will.

"I wasn't aware that Hogwarts was welcoming trick or treaters for Halloween this year," he chuckled. "But, ah, I believe I can find something." Disappearing for a moment, he came back with a bowl full of hard candy and told us each to take a handful. We did, and the Headmaster bid us all a Happy Halloween as we went to our next destination.

To my dismay, Sirius decided to go to the library. I actually enjoy going to the library, and I didn't want to give Madam Pince any reason to dislike me. But we went all the same, and Madam Pince was absolutely furious. When the librarian saw all of us in her library, dressed as buffoons, she started screaming about mockery of her order and chased us out into the hallway.

Sirius and James laughed hysterically, actually glad they had gotten such a rise. Peter laughed with them while I had never been more grateful that my entire face was wrapped in toilet paper. While we continued down the hall, I repeated in my head, 'She couldn't recognize you. You'll still be allowed in the library.' I thought about scolding them, but they had already decided on their next destination and I felt they wouldn't listen anyway.

I had hoped the next teacher would send us back to our common room, but Flitwick, who seems to be a fan of James' and Sirius' antics, gave us all licorice. None of the other teachers seemed to object, either, though Binns didn't even acknowledge us, and Slughorn only seemed to find Sirius amusing. He doesn't like the rest of us too much.

Only when we got to McGonagall did sanity happen. She opened her door and we were all a bit surprised to see her in a nightgown with her hair down. Though she was just as surprised to see four of her first year students standing in front of her and, from the angry look in her eye, it wasn't a happy surprise. "All right, Potter, Black," she said dangerously, identifying exactly who had orchestrated the plan. "I like Halloween just as much as the next witch, but what are you four doing at my office at nearly 11 o'clock in the evening?"

"Trick or treating," Sirius answered wryly. "Got anything for us?"

"Yes," McGonagall scolded. "A detention for each of you if you don't take this ridiculous parade on the road this instant." She then slammed her door in our faces, and I actually believe she was letting us off easy.

I had thought her warning would make them turn back, but we continued still, going on to the next random room. We weren't going in a distinguishable pattern. McGonagall's room is up on the fifth floor. Instead of going to any of the other teachers on that floor, we went all the way down to the Hospital Wing. I thought the nurse would recognize me and make me feel guilty, but Madam Pomfrey didn't seem bothered by our visit. She had a few pieces of candy for us, and I think the guys noticed when she gave me extra.

We hit a few more random teachers before finally wandering back up to the common room. I had hoped we could just sneak back in without anyone noticing, but a lot of the older students were still enjoying the party. Unfortunately one of those students was Allie's older brother Mitch, and he was even less happy than McGonagall to see us stumbling in around midnight. He stopped us by the portrait hole to interrogate us about where we had been, and I felt sick. I didn't want to be in trouble. Sirius told him the truth, and then Mitch lectured for a good ten minutes about the importance of curfew before sending us up to our room.

Again Sirius and James just laughed and laughed as we went up the stairs, not caring at all about the rules we had broken. I, on the other hand, was upset and instantly threw myself into bed, only taking off the toilet paper when my curtains were drawn and I wasn't able to get in any more trouble. I wanted to just go to sleep and hope all of it was gone the next day.

When we got to the Transfiguration room this morning, I knew we were in trouble by the evil way McGonagall stared at us during her class. She was truly diabolical, and broke the news of my first detention only after class was over, giving me time to fret. Apparently Mitch informed her we had gotten in around midnight, well after she had told us to go back to our dorm, which merited a detention for each of us. It was all fine for James and Sirius, and even for Peter. They've all had numerous detentions before, Peter only because he tags along no matter what James and Sirius are doing. It was fine that they got detention. I just never imagined myself in detention with them.

Of course Allie heard about it. As annoying as she finds her brother, she does talk to him, and he let her know that her "little friend" (me, I suppose) had been out past midnight. His point in telling her that fact was to warn her about hanging around with "troublemakers" (me again). "You'll never get a Prefect badge with friends like that," were his exact words. Allie couldn't stop laughing at Mitch when she told me the story.

Now, though, I believe I should stop ranting and get to McGonagall's office. Otherwise I'm going to be late for detention . . .

**Entry #9: Wednesday Nov. 10, 1971 – Eight Days After**

The full moon, and my detention, have come and gone, and I suppose worse things have happened to me. The detention left me with several hours to sit and read, and I managed to avoid majorly injuring myself during the full moon. Just some new scars on my right arm.

I actually think I received more injuries today in Potions. It was a good thing Allie is my usual partner. She likes to sit as far away from Sirius and James as possible without getting into the Slytherin side of the room. If we had been sitting any closer to them, I'm sure I would have gotten a concussion.

Now, I'll admit that James is rather brilliant at Potions. He has been able to bring even the most terrible concoctions from the brink and get a passing grade. This is something I am grateful for, because most of those terrible concoctions have belonged to me. Even with such impeccable skill, it was still incredibly foolish of James to listen to Sirius' suggestion that they follow the potion directions completely backwards.

By backwards, I mean backwards. They started with the last step, inverted any double numbers, used the wrong temperature measurement, stirred clockwise when the instructions said counterclockwise, and did their best to say any incantations in reverse. Their reason for doing this was simply, "just to see what would happen."

Slughorn may have been fond of Sirius before today, but I seriously doubt he cares for him as much after that cauldron exploded. I mean, it literally exploded. I believe they were getting close to completing their backwards potion project when a giant cloud of steam erupted in their faces and the vat of liquid started to boil over. Just a microsecond later, the liquid shot out in all directions, tearing apart chunks of the cauldron and sending the shrapnel flying every which way across the room. Most students ducked under their desks for cover, but there were an unlucky few who were hit. I felt exceptionally bad for the Slytherin boy who took a blow to the head and had to go straight to the Hospital Wing.

James and Sirius were not as sorry. When they were reminiscing about the "happy accident," as they have decided to refer to it, over dinner, the boy going to the Hospital Wing was the part they were most fond of. "I knew making the potion would be fun," James began, "but I never thought it would be that great! I mean, a piece of cauldron hit Severus Snape right in the face! Could it have gone any better, mate?"

"Not if we had planned it that way, Jamesy," Sirius added, laughing hard. "That piece of cauldron probably broke his nose. It's going to heal all crooked and huge, I know it. Not that it wasn't huge before, but can you imagine how large that honker will be now?"

"Oh, bloody hell!" James cheered, and then he proceeded to demonstrate exactly how large Snape's nose would turn out with his fingers. Peter laughed along, and I tried not to show my displeasure.

"I'm not sure why you're so happy. You realize you both got detention for that, right?" I wondered, not able to stay quiet.

"So?" Sirius countered. "We've gotten so many detentions already, Remus. What's one more going to do to our record? Besides, it really was bloody worth it. Snape's an awful sort of git, and James and I have wanted to give him one for ages. This way, we can argue that we didn't really _mean_ to do it, no matter how desperately we wanted to." He smiled to make it seem like he might've been joking, but his eyes held a self–important gleam that said he was every bit as happy about the outcome as he claimed.

"You can't tell me you feel sorry for little Snivellus," James said, looking at me.

Arguing seemed useless, so I shrugged and went back to my meal. They assumed I agreed with them and went back to their conversation about Snape's nose. I wasn't going to tell them I thought differently. It seemed they were ready and willing to shun me for such thoughts, and I didn't want to give them any reason to exclude me.

I guess now I know the rules, though. I shouldn't worry about Severus Snape, no matter what. Somehow, he has done something terrible to my friends, and my friends do not like him for whatever he has done. Therefore, I do not like him. Or, rather, I'm not allowed to like him. I don't know him well enough to actually hate him, but rules are rules.


	5. Chapter 5

**Entry #10: Monday Nov. 22, 1971 – Nine Days Before**

Sirius has a girlfriend now. Well, that's what he's saying. Her name is Lindsey Hane, and I'm not entirely sure how they started dating. I don't think Sirius knows how they started dating.

If I had to guess, it happened yesterday. They were both sitting in an armchair by the fire and she was laughing at one of his stupid jokes. She apparently found his trick or treating idea really funny, and she thought the cauldron explosion was the most interesting thing to ever happen in Potions class. He was absorbing all the compliments with relish; and then I blinked, and their lips were together. Lindsey looked like she was nervous and not sure if she was doing things right, which is how I imagine most people would look during their first kiss. Sirius, on the other hand, looked confident and seemed to know exactly what he was doing. I wonder if that was actually his first kiss, or if he has kissed other girls before Lindsey.

Today, he introduced her as his girlfriend, so something must have been said after I stopped paying attention. That or he just assumed they were dating and she went along with it.

So far, I haven't seen them do anything besides snog. It's quite strange, actually. They don't talk. I think they used up their talking quota right before they kissed. Now all that's left of their relationship is snogging whenever they see each other. It's kind of pathetic, really. I'm not sure he knows a thing about her besides her name.

At lunch today, it was odd to have Lindsey sitting with us. Everyone could tell she felt out of place, but Sirius didn't motion to make her feel more included. I'm hoping he just didn't notice her discomfort. Eventually she got up to use the bathroom, and I had to say something.

"Why are you dating her?" I wondered once Lindsey was out of earshot.

Sirius looked up from his pudding with his eyebrows raised. "She's cute, don't you think?" he defended. "And she likes me. She thinks I'm cute."

"Well, I think you're cute, mate," James added with a grin. "If that's your only requirement, why aren't you dating me?"

"Because I don't think your lips are as soft as hers," he replied casually.

Peter laughed, and James ran a finger over his lips, as if checking the validity of the statement. "I guess I could use more chapstick," he reasoned. "If I got my lips all silky, would you date me then, Sirius?"

"It's possible," Sirius agreed. "Work on the chapstick."

They all laughed, and I rolled my eyes. "No, really," I tried. "I mean, Sirius, do you even know what her last name is?"

He didn't even pretend to think about it. "Does it have an 'h' in it?" I sighed and he got excited. "I'm right, aren't I? It does have an 'h' in it!"

"That's not the point," I said, but none of them were listening anymore. James had gotten out his chapstick and was applying it liberally while Sirius judged whether his lips were silky enough yet. I saw Lindsey walking back towards our table and decided I didn't want to sit through any more uncomfortable silences.

I grabbed my plate and moved down the table where Allie was sitting with Kate, another first year in our house. I had only met Kate one other time, but I reasoned someone I didn't know was better than getting frustrated with the people I did know.

"Hey," Allie greeted. She scooted over to make room for me. "How's the new group member?"

"He doesn't even know her last name," I said, sitting down. "It's ridiculous."

"Sirius doesn't know Lindsey's last name?" Kate admonished. One of the few things I knew about Kate was that Lindsey was a good friend of hers. She had every right to be horrified.

I shook my head. "How hard is it to remember 'Hane?' It's one syllable."

Kate frowned, and glanced down the table where Sirius had put his arm around Lindsey's waist. "I can't believe this," Kate said. "How do you not know the last name of someone you supposedly like? I mean, I know your last name, Remus––" She paused and her eyes went slightly wide. I saw her cheeks flush. When she spoke up again, the words sounded a bit forced, almost like an afterthought. "And I know Allie's last name, too . . . It's just basic knowledge you should have about friends, let alone someone you like."

I had already taken note of the awkward blushing, but Allie felt the need to nudge my arm and draw further attention to it. I wasn't going to mention it because Kate seemed to know exactly what she had said and was plenty embarrassed already. Allie made a point to tap my foot anyway, just to make sure I didn't say anything that might embarrass her friend any further.

Wisely, Kate didn't make a scene by leaving or explaining away what she had said. Instead she handled herself quite well, going on with the conversation as if she hadn't confessed anything at all. "If he doesn't know her last name, does he know _anything_ about her?" She was desperately praying that neither of us had noticed her earlier implication. I could see it in her eyes.

"He knows she has silky lips," I offered, and the relief on her face at the successful subject change was instant. "That's about it, because they don't talk." I wasn't going to torture her by making the scene any more awkward than it already was. But, next to me, I could see Allie was squirming. I knew she wouldn't say anything right then, but she was itching to make a comment, and I knew it would come out later when Kate had left us alone.

"So all they do is song?" Allie asked, just to say something. "That is so Sirius Black."

I shrugged. "It's all they've done so far, anyway. They've only been dating for a day, so I suppose they do have time to try and learn stuff about each other."

We went on to wonder why Lindsey would put up with a relationship like that, and eventually the awkward moment passed. We finished our food, and then Kate excused herself to get her History of Magic book before class started. Allie and I already had our books with us, so we said we'd see her in class.

The instant Kate was gone, Allie grabbed my wrist with both hands and started jumping up and down on the balls of her feet. "Oh my gosh, Remus!" she cried. "I think Kate likes you!"

"It sounded that way, didn't it," I mused, pulling my hand free. It felt almost as awkward to talk about it when Kate wasn't there.

"Well . . . what do you think about her?" Allie asked.

I didn't think about her. I had only met Kate once before that instance, and the fact that she had a crush on me seemed out of nowhere. If I had thought about her in any way besides one of Allie's friends, I would be just as bad as Sirius. "Let's just say I don't know her last name," I tried. I wanted to be diplomatic.

"It's French," Allie supplied. "Kate French."

"I don't . . . I wasn't asking for the name," I tried to tell her. We reached the classroom and found a desk to sit at. Allie had a disappointed sort of frown on her face. "What, Allie? Nothing personal. I'm just not interested. You don't need to play matchmaker. I'm sure Kate can have an equally unmeaningful relationship with someone else she doesn't know. Perhaps Sirius. He's into things like that, and I doubt whatever he has with Lindsey is lasting."

"But Kate likes you!" Allie insisted. Kate walked in the room so she quieted her voice. "Why not give it a shot? Unless you like someone else . . ." Her face lit up, as if a brilliant thought had just dawned upon her. "Remus, do you like someone else?"

I shook my head. "I don't like anyone that way right now," I said. My stomach felt funny from being put under the spotlight.

"You have to like somebody," Allie protested. My stomach squirmed again. I'm not sure why.

I was saved from having to respond when Sirius came in the classroom with Lindsey on his arm. James followed behind them with a sour face. I hid a grin as Sirius pulled out Lindsey's chair and James was forced to sit next to Peter. The girlfriend comes before the best mate right now, which bothered James to no end. I'm sure he will come around to my way of thinking after Sirius ignores him a couple more times. Lindsey will be gone sooner rather than later.

Allie nudged me and pointed to Sirius. "That could be you and Kate," she started. "Or you and whoever it is you like." I glanced up and saw Sirius kissing Lindsey's cheek and holding her hand delicately. He knew what he was doing. I could not imagine myself doing that with Kate.

"Quit it, Allie," I said, focusing on the teacher instead. Professor Binns was starting another lecture, but I couldn't really concentrate. "I don't like Kate."

She frowned and I could feel her watching me, but I didn't want to keep talking about it. I knew I was being overly sensitive about the matter but it made me slightly uneasy. I think Allie noticed my discomfort and decided to leave me alone because, a moment later, she had busied herself with note–taking.

"Do you want me to tell Kate you don't like her?" she wondered after we had been silent on the subject for quite some time.

"Well, I don't want you to tell her I do," I whispered back.

"And you don't like anyone else, either?" she tried. I wasn't sure why she wanted me to like someone, but I was starting to feel sick.

I managed to shake my head. "I don't have a crush on anyone, Allie," I said.

"Then I guess I shouldn't use that excuse when I tell Kate you don't like her, huh?" she asked with a little grin.

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't."

She smiled. "I'm sorry I was being so pushy," she said as she went back to writing. "I guess I got a little excited. You don't like anybody. I get it." There was something strange about her tone that I couldn't place.

"Thanks Allie."

"Sure," she smiled. "Besides, if you get a girlfriend, you might turn into Sirius. And I don't want you ignoring me like he's doing to James."

My stomach squirmed again, and it kept squirming for the rest of the day. After she said that, all I could think about was how anyone could ignore their best friend for a romance. I could never ignore Allie, even if I did have a girlfriend.

**Entry #11: Friday Dec, 3, 1971 – One Day After**

I can no longer use the 'I got sick' excuse. When I told James and Sirius that I had been in the Hospital Wing, James frowned, and Sirius just stared at me. "How sick are you, exactly?" Sirius questioned. "You're in the Hospital Wing all the time. It's not contagious, is it?"

I thought about saying, "only on the full moon," but I refrained. Instead I just smiled and made up a story about a make–up Potions assignment gone bad, trying to not remember the new scar I had given myself the night before. It's on my neck below my left ear and it runs all the way under my jaw. I know it's not as visible as I'm worried it is, but if Sirius notices any of my new scars, that's more evidence to whatever he's guessing at.

Other Ideas:

- Make up another terrible illness . . . but then people might think I'm really dying. And lycanthropy symptoms are rather unique.

-Make up a reason to be out of the school at certain times of the month . . . but someone might see me at the school when I'm supposed to be gone.

-I just realized I have a "time of the month"

-What am I, a girl? Allie would find that hilarious. Too bad she doesn't know.

-Maybe I have a relative with the chronic illness. . . . Now that I'm thinking about it, that might actually work. I'm not the one dying, and it would be an excuse for me to be missing.

That's that, I think. And the only way it could backfire is if Sirius gets suspicious of my sick relative and decides to contact my family. It shouldn't come to that, right?

**Entry #12: Thursday Dec. 9, 1971 – Seven Days After**

Sirius no longer has a girlfriend. I suppose I didn't write down a precise prediction, but I did predict that the relationship wouldn't last very long. He broke up with her yesterday evening after we had finished studying. If I did my math correctly, and I'm sure I did, their relationship lasted for exactly sixteen days. There have been shorter and less meaningful relationships, I'm sure, but having the nerve to break up with a girl after two weeks of snogging is rather high up on the list of cruel things to do. Lindsey absolutely despises Sirius at this point.

That's completely understandable, considering he broke up with her by throwing a wadded up piece of paper at her head while she was doing homework. At first, Lindsey thought he was being cute. Then she read the note: "We have to break up. You understand." She started crying her eyes out right in the middle of the common room. Obviously she didn't understand. Sirius didn't even flinch as she ran past him to her dorm room.

Though I have to say that it worked out for the better. Not to be completely insensitive about the situation but, now that Lindsey no longer has a boyfriend, I'm hoping Kate will stop staring at me from across classrooms. As embarrassed as she was by her accidental confession, she hasn't taken any measures to cover it up. Just the opposite, actually. I've turned around to find her staring at me on several different occasions. If she has a grieving friend to worry about instead, maybe watching the back of my head will drop a few places on her priority list.

"I think maybe Kate took the hint," Allie noted with a grin when McGonagall had left us with time to work. "She's not staring at you today."

I looked over my shoulder, and Kate was sitting with Lindsey. Lindsey was still crying, and Kate was doing her best to console her. "She might just be preoccupied," I pointed out. "I really doubt she'd stare at me while her best friend is crying."

"If you want to be negative about it," Allie frowned. "But you're probably right. She got really mad at me when I tried to talk to her about you. Maybe she does have a crush on you. An actual crush. Not just an 'I want a boyfriend' crush."

"Wait, you talked to her?" I asked. "You didn't tell me that."

"Oh, well, it was stupid," Allie said. "I didn't tell you because it didn't go anywhere. We kind of got in a fight, actually."

"A fight?" I wondered. How had I missed that? "Allie, when did all this happen?"

"Last week," she supposed, not really concerned. Her ability to talk and complete work at the same time is always impressive. "I'm not mad about it. It was actually kind of funny. When I told her that you weren't interested, she got really upset." Allie scrunched up her face and tried her best impression of Kate's voice. "'Just because _you_ like him, Allie, doesn't mean Remus can't have feelings for me,' she said. I just laughed! I mean, of course you can like whoever you want. I know you don't like her, though, so I wasn't worried."

I noticed that she hadn't denied what Kate had claimed, and my stomach flipped. "Why would you have been worried?" I asked.

Allie's quill stilled. She glanced up at me, seeming slightly confused, and I may have imagined the red in her cheeks. "I meant about the argument," she clarified. Her words were very believable. "I wasn't worried about fighting with her because I knew I was right. She'll get over it when she realizes that. What did you think I meant?"

It was my turn to go red. Of course that was what she had meant. Why had I assumed anything more than that? "I don't know," I lied. "I just got confused from what you said."

She shrugged. "I always end up saying the wrong words when I talk for a while," Allie said, getting right back to work. "What I said probably came out all funny, didn't it?"

"It must've," I mumbled. The awkward feeling in the pit of my stomach wouldn't go away.

I tried to get back to my own work, but a wad of parchment came flying at my head. I knew it was a note from Sirius or James, so I unwrinkled it, having a feeling they would yell at me later for not reading their silly message.

'What are you two doing, looking all ruddy over there?' was the eloquent sentence written on the paper. It was in Sirius' handwriting. I sighed.

'Talking about Kate,' I scribbled back honestly. I tried to be more discreet about how I passed my message.

'Oh. Well. No wonder you're blushing. Kate's bloody obsessed with you. But what's Allie all red in the face for, then?' This time the message was from James.

'She caught sight of Sirius looking at her,' I wrote in return. 'I think she's swooned.' I couldn't resist. When they read my reply, Sirius scowled and threw the paper right back at me. It hit my chest.

I had assumed Sirius' annoyance was the end of it, but James wasn't finished yet. 'Haha. Good one. But really. She's gotten redder,' he scrawled, flicking the paper with perfect accuracy onto my desk.

Had she really? Despite myself, I glanced at Allie and noted that there was quite a bit more colour to her cheeks. She was leaning in to her paper, hiding behind her hair.

"Stop passing notes, Remus," she scolded out of the corner of her mouth when she caught me looking at her. Her voice seemed to break the tension that had been building around us. "I don't want you to get in trouble."

I realized I had been staring, so I snapped my eyes back to my own paper. 'I didn't notice that. Maybe she's embarrassed for me,' I wrote to James. I didn't get another note in return, so that was the end of the note battle.

The subject was far from over, though. They were just saving their strange opinions on the matter for a time when Allie wasn't around. "Do you think Allie has a thing for Kate?" Sirius asked when we were all seated at the lunch table. Allie was sitting with Rachel at the Slytherin table, and he assumed it was safe to bring it up again. "It would explain why Allie was all embarrassed when you two were talking about her."

I rolled my eyes. "Allie does not have a thing for Kate."

"Yeah, that only happens in fantasies," James reasoned. "Maybe she has a thing for Remus, here. I bet she was jealous Kate got first dibs on him."

"Ooh, that could be it," Sirius agreed. "He is quite the big fish. Just sitting near him right now is making me feel fluttery . . ." Sirius reached out to me dramatically and grabbed my sleeve, pulling me closer to him. "Oh, Remus!"

I yanked out of his grasp and found my fork. "You two are being ridiculous," I grumbled.

James and Sirius laughed. Peter had missed the previous note conversation, so he didn't have the foggiest what we were talking about. He laughed anyway.

"You know, you use the word 'ridiculous' a lot, Remus," Sirius pointed out. "Maybe that's why Allie got all red. Whenever you say 'ridiculous,' she gets all steamy inside. I bet you said 'ridiculous,' didn't you?"

"I didn't, actually," I said. The squirming in my stomach had come back, but I did my best to ignore it. It was becoming chronic, and I had almost gotten used to it.

"Well, if it wasn't your articulate word choice, then you must have a sparkling personality, Remus," Sirius said. "Because if Allie is willing to overlook this––" he gestured to his own face and down his chest, "––then she's gotta be after something besides looks."

"Maybe it's his note–taking ability," James suggested. Sirius laughed and they continued to debate what qualities of mine Allie, or any other girl, would find desirable. I tuned them out, hoping to ignore them like I ignored the squirming.

By not paying attention to them, my mind was free to wander. I thought about sensible reasons why Allie had been blushing, and that was easily explainable. She had fumbled with her words. A slip of the tongue could reasonably fluster anyone, even if what had been said wasn't particularly embarrassing. A more pressing wonder was why I had been blushing in return, and that was what my brain decided to focus on. It came up with all sorts of ridiculous excuses, none of which really made sense. My stomach squirmed with the right answer, but I was ignoring it.

Tonks snapped the dairy shut. She had been reading for a long time, avoiding her parents by hiding alone in her old bedroom, but she had to stop and think about what she had just read. It was difficult to associate the words on the pages with the Remus she knew and loved, as if she were reading about a stranger. Young Remus was such a different person than her husband was now. It was fascinating to find out how much he had changed over the years.

But his last passage. . . . This was her first discovery. This was the first real secret he had been keeping from her. Remus had joked before about Sirius' many escapades with the female gender and all the random things his friends had gotten him to do during their Hogwarts days. He had talked about how his friends had ruthlessly tormented Snape, and he had confessed to her the many insecurities he faced because of his condition. All of those stories were old information to her, things she already knew about him. But this was something new.

Remus had never mentioned any childhood crushes. Tonks had told him about all of her past loves, even the ones she had at school, the ones that didn't mean much. When she had asked him to do the same, Remus had gone rather quiet and only discussed going to a dance with a girl named Gretchen. Why mention a dance partner that hadn't led to anything, but leave out his obvious crush on Allison, with whom he seemed to have been quite close?

Something must have happened, Tonks decided. Something must have happened to put him off her. Either Allison turned him down before he could even build his hopes up, or she wasn't who he thought she was in the end and he ditched her.

She paused to rethink that. Tonks knew in her heart that she only _wanted_ it to have been that way, and wishful thinking didn't mean much.

The only way to figure it out for sure was to keep reading.


	6. Chapter 6

**Entry #13: Saturday Dec. 18, 1971 – Twelve Days Before**

It's safe to say Sirius hasn't wasted any time being upset about his breakup. Without the hassle of a girlfriend bringing him down, he's right back to focusing all his attention on his one true love: James Potter. The two of them have fallen right back into their usual routine of callous remarks and mischief making.

I'll give you an example: Yesterday in Potions, even though it was the last day of class before the holidays, Sirius and James spent the entire work time gradually reducing the length of the back legs on Severus' stool. When the stool legs got short enough, Severus fell off it. The entire class started laughing, and the unfortunate thing is that Professor Slughorn didn't even look up from his reading long enough to reprimand them. He just glanced absently around the room as if nothing had happened, leaving poor Severus to fend for himself.

No, I suppose I must not call him 'poor' Severus anymore. According to James, if I use any adjective to describe Severus Snape, it is to be 'sniveling,' only because the word lends itself well to their new nickname. They are calling him 'Snivellus' now. I still have no idea what he did to James and Sirius, but it must have been awful to merit this kind of torture.

The good news is that they'll have to take a break from their pranks because most everyone is sitting on the Hogwarts Express right now, going home to see their families for the holidays. I'm happy to see my parents again. I've written a few times to let them know I'm doing fine, but I'm sure they've worried anyway. They always worry.

I am a little disappointed that Allie isn't able to go home for the break. We figured out that her house is only a thirty minute drive from mine, and I had been hoping to see her. Unfortunately, she has to stay at the school. She told me that her parents are traveling through Wales, and they won't be home for Christmas this year. Her brother and sister have to stay behind as well, so she won't be entirely alone, and she seemed used to the idea of being left alone on the holidays. I think her parents travel by themselves on a regular basis.

I think I'll send her a letter. Hopefully it will cheer her up, because I know she's at least somewhat upset. No one should be ignored on Christmas.

Well, Sirius and James have just challenged me to another game of Exploding Snap. I've lost four times already, but maybe I'll get lucky this time.

**Entry #14: Saturday Dec. 25, 1971 – Six Days Before**

Merry Christmas!

I love Christmas morning. I'd say it's my favorite time of year. There's snow on the ground, and presents under the tree. Mum and dad always get me out of bed before the sun comes up so we can turn on the Christmas tree lights one last time in the dark. We all have a mug of fresh hot chocolate with marshmallows, which is my favorite part, and enjoy the warm fire until the sun comes up. Then I get to open up presents, one from each of them.

This year, mum got me a new copy of The Three Musketeers. It's my favorite book, and the cover has fallen off my old copy. Dad got me a new coat, and I desperately needed one. The coat I had was wearing a little thin. All in all, it was a very nice Christmas morning.

Later, I was surprised when two owls showed up in my yard. The first one was from James. His owl carried a heavy package and a short letter that read, "Hope you're having a happy holiday, Remus! I sure am. I decided to get you a little something special, just to let you know that I've been thinking steamy thoughts of you. XOXO, James" The letter made me smile, and the package he'd sent made me laugh hysterically. His present was a wooden box. Inside the box was another wooden box. Inside that wooden box was an even smaller wooden box. Etc, etc, etc. In the end, I had nine wooden boxes that fit perfectly inside each other. The last box contained a chocolate truffle with a little tag that said, "Don't get mad. It's Christmas :)"

The second owl belonged to Allie. I recognized the owl as hers right away from its dark brown feathers. She had sent me a package, too. The present itself was a deck of self–shuffling playing cards, which I knew would come in handy. We play a lot of cards together. But her letter is what made the gift, I thought. I probably read it at least five times before thinking about writing back. It just sounded so much like her, and I guess I miss seeing her every day.

I can't believe I'm admitting this in writing, but I didn't realize exactly how much I've missed her. Just thinking about when I'll see her again makes my heart beat a little faster. It's not something I should dwell on. Allie is my best friend and I miss her terribly. That's what I'm telling myself. As a werewolf, I won't get many shots at calling someone my 'best friend,' and I don't want to jeopardize whatever I have with Allie by thinking about anything more complicated than friendship. That is what I know. Everything else I choose to ignore.

* * *

><p>It was growing ever more confusing to read about young Remus. A part of Tonks was still angry that Remus had kept Allison a secret from her, but it was slowly vanishing. It was being taken over by another part, the part that was now the majority. That part of her felt completely detached from the people she was reading about. Remus wasn't her husband in this diary, and Tonks found herself rooting for him, wondering right along with him if all the offhand things he noticed about Allison were hints of romance to be taken seriously. She wanted Allison to like him back.<p>

The small part of her knew what that would mean, though. It would mean Remus had been lying to her about much more than a childhood crush, and she tried to keep that in mind. This _was_ her husband she was reading about. Remus and Allison weren't characters in a novel. They were real people, and what she was reading had really happened.

As she turned the page, a separate piece of parchment fell out of the book and onto Tonks' lap. She thought she knew what it was and, setting the book aside to unfold it, she found her guess was right. It was the letter Allison had written to Remus so long ago. The ink was fading and the parchment itself was showing signs of having been kept for over twenty years. Allison's handwriting was slightly illegible, small, and tight, like she had tried to fit everything on one page when two were needed.

_Dear Remus,_

_ I hope this letter gets to you on Christmas Day! You know that Tweety isn't too great with directions, and it's very likely that he'll get lost . . . In the event that you do get this letter on Christmas, then I wish you a wonderful holiday with your family. If Tweety finds you somewhere around New Years, then I hope you had a good vacation and I will see you soon. Not that I don't wish one without the other. I hope your holiday is just all around great. I'll stop now because I think you know what I mean._

_ The gift isn't much, and I hope you like it. I had to use my own money for it, so I thought you wouldn't mind something small. We can beat everyone else at Rummy so much faster this way. And it's better than the gift you got me. What did you get me again? Oh yeah. You got me NOTHING! Not that I care or anything. I really don't need any more presents, and I'm not being sarcastic. Mum and dad sent me loads of stuff from their adventures in Wales, and I know you don't have a lot of extra money lying around._

_ I'm sorry I didn't get to meet your parents. Things happen, and plans have to be canceled. You know I would have loved to meet them, but I think we can manage to wait and visit each other over the summer. That will give us more time anyway, and I know for a fact I'm allowed to go home for the summer. Unless my parents send all three of us to my grandparents' house again. They like to pull that one every few summers. If they do, I'll make sure my grandparents let me visit you. I'm totally a grandpa's girl._

_ You know, I thought I would be a lot more depressed about being stuck at the castle while my parents are off having adventures, but I am having a surprisingly good time. There aren't a lot of people at Hogwarts right now, so it's really quite peaceful. I've even gone out to my tree a few times. You know the tree I'm talking about. I don't think you like it very much._

_ Don't give me that look! I can imagine the face you're making. It may be cold outside, but I wear plenty of warm clothing whenever I go out. And I do so have to go out, don't tell me I don't! It's not every day that nearly all of the school's population goes away and leaves my nice tree all alone. Normally there are all sorts of students sitting under the branches, and I can't climb it. Now, though, I'm free to climb as I please. Don't worry. I'm not thinking about jumping in. Not right now, anyway. The lake's frozen over._

_ I've also gotten a bit of reading done. My sister recommended a Muggle book to me, called 'Alice in Wonderland' and I actually enjoyed it. Usually anything from Erin should be regarded as questionable at best, but Erin is sort of all right when she's not trying to be a prefect. I never realized that before because, well . . . Erin is always trying to be a prefect. Always. She has to act that way at school for obvious reasons, but she likes to act the same way at home, too. Mum and dad expect it of her. She told me she doesn't enjoy being a stick in the mud, but she wants a career at the Ministry. She has to be a stick in the mud. Personally, she's still kind of hard to swallow, even when she isn't shoving rules down my throat._

_ I really learned a lot about her over this holiday. Most of it is boring stuff, but this bit is kind of funny, and I'm sure you'll think it's funny, too. Erin is worried about ending up like Mitchell! Funny, right? I never knew that. I guess she finds him annoying, too. I always assumed they got along because they're both so . . . I feel bad saying 'horrible,' but 'horrible' is the right word. They're both horrible! It makes sense, though, that she doesn't like him. If Erin is a stick in the mud, Mitch is a stick in the arse._

_ I'm trusting that you won't tell anyone what I've written in this letter. I'll have to kill you if you do. My delicate reputation depends on it._

_ Anyway, Erin wants to teach me how to French braid my hair, so I should wrap this up. Oh, and I got your letter. It really meant a lot that you wrote to me. It does get a little boring with no one else around. And I really want you to write again when you get this! Unless Tweety gets to you on New Years, in which case you can just talk to me in a few days . . ._

_ Have a great rest of your holiday. Please, please write back! I miss you a lot, and it would be fantastic to hear from you again._

_ Merry Christmas and the rest of that nonsense! Miss you, Allie_

Tonks took a deep breath. She almost felt completely disconnected after reading the letter. She hadn't been jealous of the closeness she sensed from nearly every word. It wasn't heartbreaking to know that this letter was the gift Remus valued most that Christmas, something he valued so much even now that he kept it in a diary under his pillow. None of the emotions she should have felt were registering in her brain. She figured the detachment was because she was just reading the words, and not hearing them directly from Remus. This way she could almost pretend it wasn't real.

Or maybe it was just numbness. Maybe she didn't have emotions anymore because she was preparing herself for what was to come in the story, which she was sure would be much worse. It would be easier to read about Remus' secrets if she couldn't connect them to her husband. She picked up the book again.

* * *

><p><strong>Entry #15: Saturday Jan. 1, 1972 – One Day After<strong>

I guess I have awful luck. The full moon just had to fall on New Year's Eve, and I didn't get to participate in any of the festivities.

Mum and dad said the fireworks were dreadful. And they didn't mean that they didn't enjoy the fireworks. I'm sure the fireworks looked spectacular. What they meant was the fireworks were dreadful _for me_. While everyone else in the neighborhood was ringing in the New Year with bangs and countdowns, I was locked in our basement having the greatest fit of my entire werewolf life. The noises terrified me, and I'm sure I could see the flashes from the tiny basement window. I wanted to destroy the fireworks, and I had to get out of the damned basement to do so. I hardly remember it, but mum said she and dad had to barricade the door to keep me from getting out.

They had to barricade a _magically locked steel door_ so I wouldn't escape. I must have been vicious, and it must have been terrifying for them. I'm glad they were able to contain me. If I ever escaped and hurt either of them, or anyone for that matter, I don't think I could live with myself.

The good news is that the fireworks kept me so preoccupied that I didn't injure myself last night. Plus, no one noticed any strange noises this time. My howls were drowned out by everyone else's celebrations.

Happy New Year.

**Entry #16: Monday Jan. 3, 1972 – Three Days After**

I had hoped my first day back in school would be simple. All I wanted was to see Allie again and catch up with James, Sirius, and Peter. That isn't too much to ask for, I don't think. But I should have known, considering the friends I have, that it wouldn't be that easy.

The train ride was long and I was still tired from the full moon. I slept on the train and crashed the instant I got to my bed. Sirius and James, who weren't as fatigued, were up bright and early today, and they decided it was necessary to wake me up, too. I didn't understand why until they also woke up Peter, so we could all go down to breakfast early. They wanted to be relatively alone at the table, so they wouldn't be overheard.

"So, we need input," James began, taking charge of whatever was going on.

I was still ridiculously tired, and I didn't want to give input on whatever crazy idea they were concocting. The only thing I wanted to think about was whether or not I should pour myself a glass of orange juice. I couldn't even muster enough brain power to think about that, either, so I just stared at him blankly until someone else spoke up.

"First of all, Peter, this plan couldn't have been put in motion without you," Sirius said, and Peter started beaming. "The dungbombs you sent for Christmas—those are what this plan revolves around, so I just wanted to start off by saying thank you."

I had gotten a bag of dungbombs from Peter, as well. I hadn't been able to think of any possible reason I would need a bag of dungbombs, so I sent them to my six year old cousin. He was thrilled about the gift, but his mother sent a letter back explaining that we should always ask before sending a present like that. I would have gotten in trouble, but my mother is always in favor of putting a bit of disorder into her sister's life.

If I had known that James and Sirius were going to put the dungbombs to use when I got back to school . . . I probably still would have sent them to my cousin. It was bad enough that they were trying to get my input. I didn't want to think about the responsibility I would share in this prank if I had given them my dungbombs.

"Now, this is where we need your opinions," James explained. "We know what we're going to do with the dungbombs, but we haven't been able to narrow it down to the perfect location. It's a three way tie between the Prefect's bathroom, the Transfiguration room, and the staff room. Which do you think it should be?"

"The Prefects have gotten us in trouble loads of times," Peter noted. "It would be fun if you pranked them."

"Very true, Peter. Thank you," Sirius said. "Remus? What are your thoughts?"

"This isn't a good idea," I started with. "That said . . . I imagine the Transfiguration room would be easiest as it doesn't require a password; the staff room would get you in the most trouble because of all the teachers to catch you; and the Prefect's bathroom would probably be the most satisfying. For you, anyway. I'm not sure how funny everyone else would find it."

"He's brilliant," James told Sirius as he stared at me with appreciation. "Why didn't we ask him sooner? I agree with everything he just said."

"I think we're ready to make a decision, then," Sirius replied. "We don't want to go for 'easy.' That wouldn't be any fun. No Transfiguration room."

"And don't we want something that would be satisfying for everyone?" James went on. "I hate to think that we're looking for self gratification. If everyone can't enjoy our work, then I don't want to do it. No Prefect's bathroom."

"Staff room, then," they said in unison.

"And it should be just as satisfying if we pull it off," Sirius added. "If it'll get us in the most trouble, we'll be that much more grateful if we don't get caught."

"Not 'if,' Sirius," James scolded. "'When' we don't get caught."

"How do you suppose you'll get in the staff room, anyway?" I asked, grabbing a plate. It felt safe to finally get myself breakfast.

"Invisibility," Sirius said.

"Smoke and mirrors, my friend," James said at the same time.

I wasn't sure if they were actually answering my question or just being annoying, and I decided I really didn't care. The less I know about their prank, the less I can be held accountable when they get in trouble. And I'm sure they'll get in trouble. It's just a matter of 'when.'

After we finished eating, we made our way to the Potions room. I had been disappointed that I didn't see Allie at breakfast, but she was sitting in her usual seat, the seat next to my usual seat. I sat down next to her, and my stomach flipped when I saw the smile on her face.

"Hey!" she greeted warmly. Allie threw her arms around my shoulders and I could smell the blackberry shampoo that she uses every morning. "Why didn't I see you when you came back last night? I expected at least a 'Hi, Allie.'"

"I was really tired," I said, thinking about how much I liked the smell of blackberries. I almost wasn't able to come up with a decent lie. "My parents and I did a lot for New Years. All I could think about was going sleep."

She gave me a fake suspicious look. "All right," she said. "I think I can forgive you. But only because you wrote to me while you were gone."

I smiled. "I missed you," I told her, and I instantly regretted it. My stomach was squirming, and I looked away so she wouldn't be able to tell I was blushing.

"I missed you too, Remus," she said as Professor Slughorn started the class. "You better not leave me alone at Easter. I cannot spend another week with Erin and Mitch. If you leave, I don't care where you're going. I'm going with you."

I laughed a bit, feeling less anxious. She had missed me too, and saying that I missed her wasn't something to go red over. Why, then, did I feel so embarrassed? "Well, my parents don't expect me home at Easter," I told her. "It's probably safe to say that I'll stay here."

"Good," she smiled. "You know, I didn't realize how much time we spent together until you weren't here. It gets boring without you."

I felt slightly guilty that we weren't paying attention to the teacher, but I've never been very good at Potions. I would rather talk to Allie than fail to understand whatever Slughorn was trying to explain. "I could say the same about you," I tried. "But Sirius and James have made it their mission to make sure nothing is ever boring as long as they're around. Do you know what they wanted to talk to me about this morning?"

"No. What?"

"They wanted to know the best location to set off two bags of dungbombs," I explained, rolling my eyes. "It's a prank they're working on, but they won't tell me about it. Incidentally, the answer to their question was the staff room." I glanced at the board to see that the class was going over common plants used in Potions. That would at least be easy to catch up on later.

"The staff room?" Allie wondered. She was half taking notes, which was more than I was doing. "As in where all the teachers are when they aren't teaching class? That doesn't seem like a very smart idea."

I nodded. "That's what I told them. But they didn't care."

"You know, they should really listen to you more," Allie reasoned. "They might get a few less detentions. Just promise me you're going to keep out of the rest of their plans. I don't want you to get in trouble just because you helped them plan it."

"I don't want to get a detention," I assured her. "But I can't promise they won't make me a part of their plans, anyway. You know how they are." She laughed a little and the way she was looking at me was making my stomach flip again. I didn't want to turn red again, so I focused on the teacher instead.

I spent the rest of the day trying not to feel awkward. I didn't necessarily succeed, but I at least managed to not _look_ awkward around her. Allie didn't notice my discomfort, or at least she didn't say anything about it, which is the important thing. James and Sirius flicked notes at me all day, but I ignored them after reading the first one. All they wanted was to discuss their prank idea. It was surprisingly easy to ignore something so meaningless as a prank when all my energy was being put towards denying something that was staring me right in the face.

Why do I have to feel this way? When I came to Hogwarts, all I wanted was to do well in my classes and maybe make a friend or two. Those friends weren't supposed to make my stomach squirm or get me involved in rule breaking antics.

I knew life would have been easier if Hogwarts had rejected me like they were supposed to.

* * *

><p>*A Few Words From Aquira:<p>

1. Sorry about the little mess up in the last chapter. I forgot to separate Tonks from the diary entries! Whoops! Hope you can forgive me :)

2. From this point on, Tonks will be showing up in less chapters. This is because I'm covering EIGHT YEARS of Remus' life, and Tonks experiences this during ONE MONTH of hers. It would feel a bit unbalanced to include her throughout all of it.

3. I'm only posting this because I want to know what you guys think of my writing. _Please_ let me know how I'm doing with a review! I would even appreciate constructive criticism :P


	7. Chapter 7

**Entry #17: Monday Jan. 24, 1972 – Six Days Before**

Last Friday, James and Sirius tried to pull off their prank. It was late and the four of us were sitting by the fire. I knew they were merely biding their time by sitting with Peter and me, because they had announced over breakfast that morning that 'tonight was the night.' They hadn't told me when (or what, for that matter) but, around 9 o'clock, James suddenly stood up and casually strode up the stairs without saying a word. Sirius cleared his throat and followed him, attempting to look just as casual.

I sighed, knowing what Sirius and James were doing. I gave a look to Allie, who was working on Astronomy homework across the room. She smiled, understanding the roll of my eyes, and raised her eyebrows. I nodded and she shook her head at their behavior before getting back to work.

While they were up in the dorm, I heard the door open and close several times, but neither James nor Sirius came back down the stairs. Peter glanced at me every time the door made a sound, wondering what they were doing. I shrugged and continued reading. They still hadn't told me what their plan was, and I hadn't felt like bothering them about it.

Eventually, Peter got tired and decided to go up to bed. Allie had finished her assignment and came to sit down on my armrest. "You don't know what they're doing up there?" she asked, as if to make sure I hadn't gotten involved.

"I swear I don't," I said. I heard the door open again and ignored it.

"Forget something, Peter?" Allie wondered. She had looked, and had found that Peter had been the one to make the noise.

He scurried in front of my chair and stood there with a baffled look on his face. "James and Sirius aren't up there," he informed, sounding incredibly impressed.

I glanced back around at the stairs, and then back to Peter. "What do you mean they aren't up there?" I asked. As many times as our dormitory door had opened, James and Sirius had not come down those stairs. Unless they had jumped out the window, they had to be up in the dorm.

"They aren't up there," Peter repeated. "Daniel says they were up there for a minute, but James grabbed something from his trunk and they left. Did you see them come down the stairs?"

I shook my head, and Allie said, "No." Confused, I marked my book and went upstairs to see for myself. Sure enough, the dorm room was empty except for Daniel, who was trying to sleep in his four–poster. "I already told Peter," he mumbled, sounding irritated. "They left. And they didn't shut the door all the way. It kept opening by itself."

Peter and I wandered back downstairs and asked around. No one else had seen James or Sirius since they went up the stairs. I was still confused, but I decided that everyone must've just missed them on their way out. It was the only rational explanation, and I didn't feel like dwelling on it. I went and sat next to Allie again, trying to remember if their 'invisibility' remark from the other day had been a joke.

When it was a little after eleven, the portrait hole opened. It was after curfew and I was still up because I was trying to finish my book. Allie and Peter, and pretty much everyone else, had already gone up to bed, so I was alone when James and Sirius stumbled in, looking very disgruntled about something. They each held a matching mirror in their hand, and James had something shiny draped over his shoulder.

They stopped when they saw me. "Hello Remus," James said. Sirius looked the other way.

I raised my eyebrows as they both tried to hide the mirrors behind their backs. James let the shimmery cloth fall to the ground, and Sirius kept looking the other way. Smoke, mirrors, and invisibility, they had told me . . . I grinned, realizing they had been telling me their entire plan. "Those are two–way mirrors, aren't they?" I asked, my voice excited, and James shot Sirius a fervent look. "And if I'm not mistaken, that thing you just dropped is an invisibility cloak. I was wondering how you two got out of the common room without anybody noticing, but now it makes sense."

"How'd you know all that?" Sirius demanded. I assumed he was just upset about the failed prank and didn't take his tone personally.

"Well, that _looks_ like an invisibility cloak," I said, pointing to the cloth. "And I can't think of any other reason the two of you would be carrying around matching mirrors. Neither of you are _that_ conceited. So really, it's simple if you think about it . . . and know anything about magical items."

"Are you going to rat on us?" James asked. He looked impressed that I had figured them out so easily.

I shrugged. "Don't see the point," I told them, closing my book and standing. "The prank obviously didn't go well and I don't want to know any more about it. I just want to go to bed. But I'll leave it up to the two of you to explain to Peter how you Apparated out of the common room. I'm sure he'll ask in the morning."

With my speech delivered, I went upstairs to my bed. James and Sirius followed me, but they were up for a while longer. I could hear them fumbling around in their trunks and mumbling about what had gone wrong while I tried to drift off.

They never did explain to Peter how they got out of the common room. I don't know if Peter even asked. All I know is that James and Sirius were peeved about their prank failure all weekend, to the point that it became annoying to sit with them. All they wanted to talk about was how it could have gone better, and that wasn't a conversation they wanted to have with me. It happened every meal. I was sitting across the table from them, but both of them were speaking only loud enough for the other to hear. I got up and moved to join Allie whenever that happened. The squirming was easier to deal with than being ignored.

Today, though, James and Sirius snapped out of it. They actually held a conversation with me and Peter at breakfast, and they were back to flicking notes at my head during classes. The notes were silly and said things like, "I think you have a big nose" or "James couldn't find any underwear this morning." I laughed a little, thinking that at least they were including me.

When we sat down for dinner, it seemed like they were finally willing to talk about what had happened. "We need your help again, Remus," James said, a little dejectedly. Sirius was looking the other way.

"Okay . . ." I said skeptically. I didn't really want to get involved.

"You know our plan didn't go off well," James continued. "But you probably won't help us unless you know exactly what our plan is . . ."

Sirius sighed. He didn't want me in on it either, but they must have been out of other options. "Oh, I already figured that out," I told. "It's really a very good plan. One of you uses the invisibility cloak to sneak into the staff room, and then you use those two–way mirrors to coordinate setting off the dungbombs. Then you both run away while the teachers have to deal with the smell."

Sirius glanced up. "How'd you do that?" he wanted to know. "How'd you figure that out?"

"I told you on Friday," I reasoned. "It's fairly easy to think through. And I'm betting it didn't work because there weren't any teachers in the staff room. That was just poor planning on your part."

James and Sirius looked at each other. Did they really think I was that stupid? "Poor planning?" Sirius questioned. "If you're so smart, what would you have done?"

"I probably wouldn't have planned it for a Friday evening when all the teachers were in their own bedrooms. I mean, the teachers wake up early, don't they?" I said offhandedly. "And they all probably use the staff room on the weekends . . ."

James hit Sirius in the arm. "And _you_ didn't want to ask him," he scolded. "Why didn't you want to ask him?"

"He isn't pulling off the prank, is he?" Sirius argued. "Why should he get to help in the planning? It's our prank, James."

"And are you mad at Peter for giving us the dungbombs?" James argued back. "There's nothing wrong with getting help." He looked at me with a smile. "Thank you, Remus. We will let you know how it works out."

Neither of them had eaten anything, but they both got up from the table and left the Great Hall. I assumed they were going off to plan, so I moved to sit with Allie and Kate, both of whom were really happy to see me. Kate isn't quite over her crush, and I tried to not read into the way Allie wanted me to sit on her side of the table instead of next to Kate.

Allie wondered where James had Sirius had run off to, and I told her I didn't know. She would have been upset with me if she knew what I had told them. Rightly so because, when James and Sirius get caught, I'm sure I've done enough to get in trouble along with them.

**Entry #18: Saturday Jan. 29 – One Day Before**

I slept in this morning. The moon is waxing, so I was rather tired. When I woke up, I found a note pinned to my pajama shirt. It was in James' handwriting, and it read, 'We will come back victorious or we won't come back at all!' I sighed, only vaguely wondering how they had managed to pin their note to my chest without my notice.

Down in the common room, Peter was sitting by the fire. He stared at me as I sat down. "I think James and Sirius are doing it," he told, sounding anxious.

"If by 'doing it,' you mean they're in the staff room, then I don't know what you're talking about," I replied. "And you shouldn't either."

Peter didn't seem to get what I was trying to imply. After giving me a strange look, he turned to stare at the portrait hole. It wasn't open. I'm sure he just wanted to know the instant James and Sirius got back. I wasn't as concerned. I found my Herbology book and started working on the vocabulary assignment.

About twenty minutes later, James and Sirius stumbled through the portrait hole, laughing hysterically. Everyone in the common room stopped what they were doing to stare at them. Except for Peter, who was bouncing in his chair with anticipation.

Before either of them could motion to join us, however, one of the fifth year Prefects, Keith, decided to approach them. "What have you two been up to?" he interrogated. James and Sirius both sobered up instantly.

"Nothing," Sirius insisted. His face was stoic and, if I didn't know any better, I would have believed him.

"Just don't go near the staff room," James blurted. Sirius shot him a glare, but quickly composed himself again. James was doing everything he could to keep from laughing, and Keith's eyebrow's knit together.

I have to admit that Mitchell is a remarkable Head Boy. Allie told me he's accumulated a list of routine troublemakers. James and Sirius are certainly on that list by now, and I'm sure Peter and I are, too (from that one instance on Halloween). The Prefects have been instructed by Mitchell to keep an eye out and confront any suspicious looking characters from that list. It's hard to argue that James and Sirius weren't looking suspicious in that moment.

"What's near the staff room?" Keith wanted to know.

James' mouth was quivering from holding back his laughter, and any idiot could tell they had done something against the rules. Keith is not an idiot, so he frowned at both of them before sweeping out of the room to check what had happened.

Sirius smacked James on the arm, and both of them rushed over to the fireplace while the coast was clear. They had giant grins on their faces and I could tell they wanted someone to ask how it had gone. I kept writing and ignored them, not wanting to give them the satisfaction.

Peter, on the other hand, was more than happy to oblige. "Did it work? Did it work?" he asked animatedly, practically vibrating in his seat.

Sirius leaned back in his chair and put his feet on my armrest. "Perfectly," he declared with pride. "The teachers ran out of there shouting and cursing. It was great!" Sirius folded his hands behind his head and grinned at Peter.

A few second year girls at a nearby table started giggling. One of them, Chloe I think, leaned forward. "What did you do out there?" she asked, trying to be cute.

Without missing a beat, Sirius took the bait and flirted right back. "We set off dungbombs in the staff room," he said, smiling stupidly. "All the teachers had to evacuate, but we set them off in the hall, too. It was brilliant."

Chloe giggled and turned back to her friends, who were also giggling. Sirius kept staring at her and didn't realize that Allie had walked up. Allie paused when she noticed his leering gaze and gave me a mischievous grin, a silent question. I nodded, so Allie pushed Sirius' feet off my armrest and claimed the spot as her own. Sirius stumbled forward, and his table of female admirers giggled mercilessly at him.

Recovering quickly, Sirius snapped his focus to Allie. "What'd you do that for?" he snarled under his breath. He smoothed his hair.

"I wanted to sit here. Your feet were in the way," Allie said simply. "Did you guys really set off dungbombs?" She looked at me, and I shrank a little.

"Yeah we did!" James declared proudly, sitting straighter in his chair.

"In the staff room? Really?" she went on. I couldn't help thinking that she would make a very good prefect when we were in fifth year. "That's the one place a teacher was bound to have seen you, you know."

"Well, Remus told us to do it," Sirius said, looking at his feet.

Allie gave my shoulder a playful shove. "Remus wouldn't be that stupid," she said with confidence, and I glared at Sirius. As far as she knew, I had kept my nose clean.

"I only told them when a good time would be," I tried. "They already decided where . . ."

Allie gave me her 'disappointed' look. "Remus John Lupin," she scolded. "I told you not to get involved. You got detention last time."

"Peter gave them the dungbombs," I said lamely, not really concentrating. I knew I should have felt guilty, but I was too concerned with the fact that she remembered my middle name. Sirius and James were sniggering.

"How was Peter supposed to know they would be used for evil?" she lectured. I stared at my feet, realizing that I knew her middle name, too. It's Nicole. What's wrong with me? She was lecturing me, and all I could think about was her middle name.

I didn't want to argue with her. I didn't like it when she was upset with me. "What else would dungbombs be used for?" I asked anyway, purely for my own conscience.

Her mouth pursed to the side. "I don't know," she admitted hastily. "But Peter didn't tell them to use the dungbombs in the staff room."

I didn't want to respond. She was right, and fighting about it was pointless. Instead, I glared at Sirius again, hoping he would be able to sense my annoyance.

His eyes told me that he definitely could sense it, but he smiled back at me like he hadn't done anything wrong. The frustrating part was that I actually believed him. Sirius has this thing that he does with his face, I've noticed, where he smiles with only half his mouth, or raises one of his eyebrows just high enough, or crinkles his eyes just right when he laughs, and people believe him. I'm sure that's how he got Lindsey to forgive him. They're speaking to each other again.

Keith came back in before I could hit the smirk off Sirius' face. He rounded on James and Sirius, and fury was emanating from his pores. The smell of dungbombs was also emanating from his pores. "Dungbombs?" he exclaimed.

James jumped up faster than a spring and pointed an accusing finger at Peter. "He gave us the dungbombs!" he shouted, and then he quickly pointed another finger in my face. "And he told us to do it!"

I froze and stayed very still as Keith gave me and Peter a once over, deciding whether we were troublemakers or not. He must've remembered that we were on Mitchell's list because his eyes narrowed, and he nodded slightly, coming to a decision. "I'll be sure to let McGonagall know what you little marauders have been up to, then," he assured.

Sirius grinned wickedly and stood up. "And we'll be sure to take our punishment with our heads held high!" he declared bravely, and Keith stared at him with his eyelid twitching.

"We'll see how bold you're feeling when you and your friends get another detention," Keith warned before storming out of the portrait hole to tell on us.

James and Sirius laughed out loud, which meant Peter started laughing, too. I, on the other hand, slumped in my chair, feeling that the detention was inevitable. Allie, who amazingly hadn't left my armrest despite the yelling Prefect, put a comforting hand on my shoulder, and I looked up at her. "Come on," she said. I had been expecting more of a lecture. "Why don't you come down to the Great Hall with me? I'm going to meet Rachel."

I didn't want to meet Rachel, but I appreciated the gesture. I followed her out of the common room. "I don't want a detention, Allie," I said feebly as we made our way down the stairs.

"Then what are you going to do next time James and Sirius want your advice on a prank?" she asked with a nudge, knowing I knew the answer.

"Keep out of it," I answered wisely.

When we got to the Great Hall, Rachel was sitting at the Slytherin table with her arms crossed, looking impatient. She saw Allie and wandered over, stopping short when she realized I was standing there, too. She sniffed. "What is he doing here?"

"He thinks he's gotten a detention," Allie explained. "I thought I'd take his mind off it."

Rachel gave me a disdainful look, but it slowly faded to her usual expression of contempt. I think she was getting used to the idea that Allie wanted me around. "You know, he wouldn't have to worry about detention if he didn't spend his time with James Potter and Sirius Black," Rachel pointed out. Her tone was normally condescending, but she managed to say Sirius' name with a malice I hadn't thought possible, even from her.

"That's what I told him," Allie said, shaking her head. "But he didn't listen to me." Then the two of them went into lengthy detail about how James and Sirius are terrible examples, and I wasn't entirely able to contribute to that conversation. Even if Sirius and James had earned me my second detention, they were my friends, and all I could do was grin and bear whatever Allie and Rachel had to say.

The guys came down to the Great Hall not too long after, and I quickly said my goodbyes to Allie before joining them. Unfortunately, McGonagall was right behind them, and she cleared her throat just as I sat down. "Mr. Thomas has informed me that you four were somehow behind the incident in the staff room earlier," she said, looking down her nose at us. "That is twenty points from Gryffindor, I'm sad to say."

Sirius stuck a hand up. "Professor, is that twenty points each?" he wondered. "Or just twenty points between the four of us?"

McGonagall pursed her mouth until her lips were a thin line. She is really very tolerant. "It is twenty points total, Mr. Black," she said carefully. "And I would advise you to not talk back to your teachers."

"Yes, mum." Sirius rolled his eyes, but she eyed him evilly. "Yes, ma'am," he corrected.

"That's better," she said. "Now, each of you will serve detention tomorrow evening. Be in my office at seven o'clock, and bring homework."

She turned to leave, but what she had said didn't make sense. Tomorrow night is the full moon and there was no way I could serve detention on the full moon. "That's not right," I spoke up suddenly, sounding a lot louder than I had intended. "Are you sure?"

Sirius and James looked at me as if I had lost my head. It probably sounded that way. Neither of them would dare question a detention. McGonagall turned back around and raised her eyebrows, and I almost regretted speaking up. "I'm sorry?" she wondered.

I swallowed, not really believing what I was doing. "I'm just not sure if I heard you right," I tried. "Are you sure you meant tomorrow evening?"

"I'm positive I meant tomorrow evening," McGonagall confirmed. I think I saw her wink.

I turned back to my plate of food while the guys stared at me. I'm sure they thought I was crazy, but I didn't care. McGonagall is aware of my condition, yet she planned my detention for a full moon. Either she doesn't keep track of the moon cycle, or she doesn't want to punish me. I'm fine with either explanation. Both get me out of detention.


	8. Chapter 8

**Entry #19: Monday Feb. 14, 1972 – Fourteen Days Before**

I think I'll start with the example of Sirius Black to prove how the madness of Valentine's Day can work its horrible magic on an otherwise rational human being, though I will admit it _is_ a stretch to call Sirius 'rational.' He has found himself another ill conceived relationship, with Chloe Tarin this time, the girl who was flirting with him a few weeks ago. I believe it started similarly to his relationship with Lindsey in the respect that he didn't necessarily 'ask' her if she wanted to be his girlfriend. It was more that he snogged her until she believed it to be so.

Now, I'm not going to thoroughly criticize his relationship with Chloe. He at least knew the girl's last name this time. But there is another similarity to his relationship with Lindsey that brings me to the example I was referring to. He has been dating her for two weeks, and he is already tired of her.

It was at breakfast today that he made the less than shocking announcement. Chloe was sitting further down the table with her friends. "Do you guys like Chloe?" he wondered.

"She's all right," James said with his mouth full. "I think she's cute. Plus, she's an older girl. That's something. Why do you ask?"

"Because . . ." Sirius hesitated before deciding to answer honestly. "I don't think I do. Like her, I mean. She's not that great of a kisser, so I have talk to her instead, and I just can't do it anymore. All she wants to talk about is her friend Naomi and I'm thinking, 'I don't care about Naomi, let's talk about something I can talk about.' But she just keeps going on. She has no 'off' button. So I think I have to break up with her."

"When are you going to do it?" I asked, not the least bit surprised.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "What, you don't have a lecture for me, Remus?" he retorted. "I expected more from you."

I shrugged. "It's just not very surprising, is all," I explained. "You've been dating for two weeks. I guess that's how long you can tolerate a girl. Are you going to do it today?"

They all gave me funny looks. "Why would he do it _today_?" Peter questioned.

"Why wouldn't he do it today?" I asked, looking back at him cluelessly. I had completely forgotten about the nature of February 14th.

"There's no way on earth I can break up with her today, Remus!" Sirius scorned. "Have you gone insane? It's Valentine's Day!"

I shook my head, still confused. "And that means you can't break up with her?" I wanted to know. "It's just a silly holiday. If you can't stand her, I don't see why you wouldn't break up with her just because it's February fourteenth."

"Valentine's Day is one of the only days you absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, end a relationship," Sirius explained, sounding like an expert with only two relationships under his belt. "The other days are a girl's birthday, Christmas, and any anniversary. As it were, today is also our two week anniversary, so that would count double against me. The only way it could be any worse is if it were her birthday, too, and I don't know when her birthday is. It very well could be today. I cannot break up with her."

I scratched a spot behind my ear. "So . . . you really don't like Chloe," I began, trying to figure out his reasoning. "But you won't break up with her just because of what day it is?"

"Exactly," Sirius smiled. "I'm already considered a jerk by most people. I don't need to add 'terrible boyfriend' to that reputation. I have to keep up my good name somehow."

"You'll understand when you're old enough to have a valentine of your own, Remus," James assured me.

I stuck my tongue out at them, feeling childish. Suddenly, Sirius jerked his head towards the doors. "Speaking of Remus' valentine," he muttered under his breath.

I glanced up to see Kate walking into the Great Hall. I kicked Sirius from under the table and suppressed a groan. Kate was holding something behind her back, looking excited, and I didn't have a good feeling about the way she was approaching me. My stomach jumped a little when I saw Allie run up behind her, and she grabbed Kate's arm. Kate stopped with a slight frown and Allie whispered something in her ear.

Whatever Allie had said, Kate ignored it and kept walking. "Hello, Remus," Kate said happily when she was standing behind me. "Happy Valentine's Day!" Allie was still near the entryway, looking livid. I raised my eyebrows to her and she made a face at Kate.

I refocused, remembering that Kate was still standing next to me, and managed to give Kate a forced smiled. "Ah, Kate. I hadn't realized what day it was, actually," I said truthfully. "But Happy Valentine's Day to you, too."

Kate pulled her hand out from behind her back, showing me what she had been hiding. "I made you a card," she told me.

Very hesitantly, I took the card from her hand. It was decorated with several pink hearts and trimmed with white lace, with big curvy lettering written on the front. 'Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart. Be my valentine?' was what it said. I hadn't been expecting something quite so forward.

"Thank you, Kate," I said politely. "It's a very lovely card."

"You're welcome, Remus," she said. "I'm sure I'll talk to you later." With an awkward smile, Kate bowed her head and quickly stepped away. I hoped the retreat was because she could sense the card wasn't appreciated, and not that she had gone shy. I slowly sat the card on the table while the guys tried to hide their laughter.

When Kate was far away, Allie slid onto the bench next to me and eyed Kate's card with a look of irritation. "I told her she shouldn't give it to you," Allie assured, a defeated smile on her face. "But she wouldn't listen."

"That's okay," I said, staring at the card, too. Anything to avoid looking Allie in the eye. I knew I probably wouldn't be able to look away. "It's just a silly card. I'm sure she knows I only took it to be nice."

Allie coughed and I glanced up. "Let's hope so." She smiled at me, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear, and I kept staring. "Well, I told Rachel I'd eat breakfast with her," she said, standing up again. "I'll see you in class, Remus."

I watched as she strode over to the Slytherin table, and Sirius had to snap his fingers in my ear to get my attention back. "I thought we'd lost you for a moment," he said with an annoying grin on his face.

"I just . . . zoned off," I reasoned, and I wanted to change the subject. "But, can you believe that? How ridiculous is this card?"

"Pretty ridiculous," James laughed, but I knew he wasn't laughing at the card.

Sirius leaned in on his elbows. "Tell me, Remus," he wanted to know. "Would that card be as ridiculous if Allie had signed it?"

I swallowed. "That is neither here nor there," I tried, but I could feel myself turning red.

"Oh, it is very much here, Remus," Sirius went on, and all eyes were on me. "We've been poking fun at this for months but . . . You actually like her, don't you? You've got yourself a little crush on Allison Bond."

I shook my head. "I . . . I really don't," I said. Sirius narrowed his eyes at me, and my stomach tightened. He could tell, so I wasn't sure why I was still denying it. "It's nothing. She's just nice to me, is all."

"Allie isn't 'just nice' to you, Remus," James pointed out. "Owen is 'just nice' to you. And I really doubt you'd watch Owen walk across the room like that."

"Yeah, you spend more time with Allie than Sirius spends with Chloe," Peter added.

"Hey." Sirius raised a hand in his own defense. "That's not the same," he said. "I hate my girlfriend. Remus spends so much time with Allie because he's in love with her."

"I'm not in love with Allie," I insisted. "We're friends. I can't spend time with my friends without being in love with them?"

"You can spend time with your friends, sure," James elaborated. "But I'm your friend, too, Remus, and if you're looking at me like _that_ when I walk away, I have to tell you something." He leaned in close and gestured for me to do the same. "I'm not interested."

I shoved him away and stood up. "You guys . . . think what you want," I said. My stomach had shrunk to non–existence and I knew I wouldn't be able to finish my breakfast. "I'm . . . have to get my . . . textbooks."

I already had my book bag with me, something I'm sure the guys didn't fail to notice as I hurried out of the hall. Red and stammering wasn't the way I wanted to end the conversation, but continuing the conversation the same way wouldn't have been any better. I went to the Potions room and found my normal seat near the front. Only a few Slytherin students were there to keep me company, and I felt my stomach finally unclench.

After about ten minutes, other students started entering the room. I saw Peter, James, and Sirius, and they all blew kisses at me as they found their seats. I ignored them and slumped onto my desk, burying my face in my arms.

Someone sat down next to me. I assumed it was Allie, so I didn't look up. If I removed my arms, the guys would start blowing kisses at me again, and Allie would ask questions.

"What's the matter, Remus?" the person next to me asked, and it most certainly wasn't Allie.

I sat upright and glanced to my left. Kate was sitting in Allie's spot, smiling like it wasn't strange for her to be there. "Hi, Kate," I said, confused.

She frowned. "What?"

I wasn't sure what to say, so I just stared at Kate with confusion until Allie walked in the room a moment later. My eyes snapped over to her and I suddenly felt very guilty. Allie scrunched up her nose, something she does when she gets annoyed, and she slowed as she approached the table. "Hey Kate . . . Don't you usually sit with Lindsey?" she wondered, sounding very diplomatic.

"I wanted to sit with Remus today," Kate replied. She used the same innocent smile that Sirius has trademarked, but it looked so much more evil coming from her. "If that's okay with you. I mean, if you _have_ to sit here . . . I can move."

Allie's eyes narrowed. "No," she said slowly. "You can sit here if you want." I could tell they were having a type of silent conversation, but I had no idea what they were saying to each other. With a deep breath, Allie made her way across the room and found an empty desk. She sat down and threw her bag into the empty chair beside her.

I knew her well enough to understand that she was angry, and I almost got up to sit with her. Brittany beat me to it and Allie seemed happy for the chance to catch up with her friend. I stayed where I was and probably payed full attention to Professor Slughorn for the first time since Allie started sitting with me. Kate tried to hold a conversation, but every time she asked me a question I would hush her and say, "We can talk later. I'm trying to take notes." Eventually she took the hint and stopped with the questions.

Potions ended, and I made a quick break for the door, not wanting to get caught walking with Kate. Allie was quick behind me, and she put her arm through mine. "Walk with me," she told, checking over her shoulder.

"Gladly," I replied.

"Did you ask Kate to sit with you?" she wanted to know. "I . . . I couldn't tell."

"Oh . . . no," I assured. It felt like my face was turning red. "She kind of commandeered your spot and I couldn't tell her to move. I would have rather you sat there, though."

"Good," Allie said, chewing on her upper lip. We were getting close to the Great Hall for lunch. "Just so you know, we have to walk to all our classes together today. Otherwise Kate will try and take my seat again. She's a lot more persistent than I gave her credit for, and I know you don't appreciate the attention."

I nodded as we made our way to the Gryffindor table. Kate was sitting at our usual spot, so we wound up down the table near James and Sirius. Of course, Sirius made faces at me, and James sniggered at his own lewd comments, but dealing with the two of them was more tolerable than listening to Kate's attempts at small talk.

That was how we spent the entire day. Allie made sure I was never in a position where Kate could sneak up on me, James and Sirius tormented me all day, and I didn't let myself think about how much time I was spending with my arm through Allie's arm. It was pure madness, all because today was Valentine's Day. I hope it doesn't come again next year.

**Entry #20: Wednesday Mar. 1, 1972 – One Day After**

I think my new excuse is working. Last full moon, when I didn't go to that detention, James and Sirius were extremely suspicious. Probably because they were in trouble, and I wasn't. When I got back to the dorm, they both stared at me for a good five minutes while I went over my History of Magic notes.

"What are you staring at me for?" I wondered, acting like I didn't know what was going on.

They both moved to sit on my bed. Sirius got real close to my face, his eyes scrutinizing as pushed hair behind my ear. James had his head cocked to the side with his arms crossed, as if he was trying to look at me from all possible angles.

"Where were you?" Sirius demanded, tilting my head from side to side. James grabbed my arm and tested whether it bended or not. I wasn't sure what they were looking for, but I let them examine me. I hadn't retained any new scars in any place they could see without performing a strip search, so I was confident they wouldn't find anything.

"My . . . my mother was really sick," I said, only hesitating because of how close they were to my body. The excuse was rehearsed, but I hadn't prepared for the awkward way they were approaching situation. "I needed to get home to see her."

"And that's why you didn't have to go to detention?" James asked suspiciously, finding a scar on my wrist. "Because your mother was sick? Did McGonagall know?

I nodded and pulled myself back from them. The proximity made me nervous. "She planned my trip home," I lied. "I used her fireplace to Floo back."

Sirius frowned. "Then why didn't she schedule that detention for when you got back?" he asked. James raised his eyebrows. He had been wondering the same thing.

"Maybe she didn't think I deserved a detention," I tried. That was true enough. "I didn't really do anything in that prank of yours."

They glanced at each other quickly and came to a silent decision. "I guess," Sirius said, and they both got off my bed. "Your mum's really sick? What's she got?"

I had rehearsed this part, too. "The doctors don't know," I said, throwing a little emotion into my voice. "She's been to the hospital loads of times, and they've done tests, but they can't figure it out. My dad was really worried, so he called me home."

"That's rough, mate," James said. I hadn't meant to make them feel like arses, but that was what I achieved. It worked as well as anything. "Is she doing any better, then?"

I shrugged. "She was walking around when I had to head back," I said. "But that doesn't mean anything. Dad thinks she could get worse again."

"Well . . ." Sirius hesitated. He didn't know what to say. "I hope she gets better." James nodded carefully and they went back to their own work, leaving me to my History notes. I couldn't believe how quickly they had stopped questioning me.

They are buying this new lie!

Take last night, for instance. Before I went to the Hospital Wing, I lied and told James and Sirius that I was going home to see my mother again. They both put grim smiles on their faces and told me to give my mother their best wishes. When I got back to the common room this afternoon, they had questions about my mother's progress and were very concerned for her health. I suppose I'll have to think up stories about home to keep this up, but it should keep working.

**Entry #21: Friday Mar. 10, 1972 – Ten Days After**

Today I had to celebrate my twelfth birthday. My original plan was to make as small a deal out of it as possible, so I didn't tell anyone. My friends managed to find out anyway and pinned a lovely birthday note to my shirt before I woke up. I'm starting to wonder if they put some kind of spell on me while I'm sleeping. How else do they keep pinning these notes to me without my notice?

The note said, 'Good morning! A little birdie told us it's your birthday! Be prepared.'

It made me nervous, but I had to go down to breakfast anyway. I noticed the guys waving for me to join them, but I needed to talk to Allie first. Whatever I was supposed to 'be prepared' for could wait. "Hey!" she greeted, jumping up to give me a hug. "Happy birthday!"

"Thanks," I said, pulling away. She smelled like blackberries again and it took me a second to remember what I wanted to ask her. "Oh, uh . . . did you happen to tell James or Sirius, or even Peter, that it's my birthday today? Somehow they know, and you're the only person I've told."

She frowned. "Is it a bad thing that they know?" Allie wondered.

I had kept the note with me, so I pulled it out of my pocket and showed it to her. "I don't know if I should be worried about what they're planning or not. It could be a terrible prank. Did you tell them? I won't be mad. I just want to know."

Allie took the note from my hand and read it over again. "Well, maybe I did tell them," she said with an apologetic smile. "It was on Monday and I ran into James and Sirius. I asked, 'are you two doing anything for Remus' birthday on Friday?' because I wanted to help. They didn't give me an answer. They just got these huge grins on their faces and ran up to the dorm."

"That doesn't sound good," I said, glancing down the table. James was grinning and Peter was squirming with what I assumed was excitement. Sirius was doing that annoying thing he does all the time, crinkling his eyes in a funny way and beckoning me towards him. I wanted to believe he wasn't evil, but I knew better. I looked back at Allie. "If I don't come back alive . . . will you turn in my Transfiguration essay?"

"Really? An essay? You dolt." Allie laughed and hit my arm. "Just tell yourself that it's a good surprise," she said, shoving me towards my friends. "Go enjoy your birthday."

A little reluctantly, I walked to the other end of the table and sat down next to Sirius. He happily made room for me. "Hello, birthday boy," Sirius said sinisterly, leaning in to put a hand on my shoulder. "The big one–two, eh?"

"You're almost a teenager, Remus," Peter added unhelpfully. "How does that feel?"  
>I glanced at each of them, trying to evaluate how much danger I was in. "Can you just tell me what you're planning?" I asked. "I don't like the suspense."<p>

"But then it wouldn't be a surprise!" James decried. "Why would you want us to ruin a perfectly good surprise? You'll just have to wait and see."

I sighed. "Will you at least tell me when it will happen, so I'm ready?"

All three of them shook their heads. "We warned you when you woke up," Sirius allowed. "If you're not prepared, that's your fault. Just know that it's coming."

They casually resumed eating, and I was left thinking that the conversation had been more than useless. It certainly didn't make me feel much safer and, ridiculous as it sounds, I spent every one of my classes on edge. Allie kept telling me they wouldn't pull something in the middle of class, but I wasn't so sure. Every wad of paper they flung at my head made me jump, and I made sure to read each of their notes carefully, trying to decipher any hidden messages. In the back of my mind, I wondered if that had been their prank all along, to make me paranoid. Then I decided that Sirius and James were too full of themselves to try something so mediocre.

They finally stopped torturing me and put their plan in motion after supper. I had been so anxious all day, I was positive I had worried a hole through my stomach when they finally ambushed me in the common room. Sirius held my arms back while James tied a blindfold over my eyes. I didn't trust them, but I couldn't see. I had no choice but to let Sirius lead me to my fate.

From what I could tell, I was led out of the portrait hole, spun around several times, went up, then down, and then up again every staircase, walked through several corridors, and finally through another door. I was properly dizzy and disoriented when we reached our destination, and James took off my blindfold.

I blinked. James and Sirius had taken me back to the common room. A quick look around told me the only reason I had been led around the castle at all was so Peter and Allie could blow up balloons and hang up decorations. I had been expecting so much more, but no one jumped out at me. There weren't any explosions. I glanced at Allie, and she gave me an innocent smile. She had been in on it from the beginning.

Peter was balancing a chocolate cake in his arms. "Where did you get that cake?" I had to ask, though I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

"The kitchen elves will cook up anything if you're nice to them," James declared, taking the cake from Peter. He placed it on the table and stuck in a dozen candles, lighting them all with his wand. "I thought you'd like chocolate. I'm told it's your favorite?"

"Enough about the cake," Sirius dismissed hurriedly. "We are _trying_ to celebrate your birthday, Remus!" He then pushed me over to the cake and sat me down with force. "Now, make a wish and blow out your candles like a good little boy!"

I frowned and stared at the cake suspiciously. "What's going to happen when I do?"

"Why, Remus, your wish will come true!" James sang. "But only if you _believe_ enough."

I was still skeptical. "You should blow out the candles, Remus," Allie assured me. "I didn't let them do anything to that cake. I picked it up from the kitchens myself."

Allie's word I believed. Sighing, I closed my eyes, pretended to make a wish, and blew. When I opened my eyes again, I saw that all the candles were still lit. It was possible I had missed, so I blew again, keeping my eyes opened this time. Again, nothing happened and I realized what they had done. "Candles that don't blow out," I mused. The situation seemed so anticlimactic. "That's what I was supposed to be prepared for?"

"We made them ourselves!" Sirius claimed with pride. He was still watching the cake very carefully, and so were James and Peter. I raised my eyebrows, and then it clicked. The candles weren't blowing out for a reason. I had to get away from that cake.

I wasn't fast enough. The candles burned just a second longer before sparking and exploding, sending pieces of chocolate cake raining over the common room. The bulk of it landed on my face, and the guys were laughing hysterically. "Happy birthday, Remus!" they shouted loudly with cake in their hair.

The cake had made a spectacular mess. Other students in the common room had gotten hit with the chocolate and the table looked like a giant chocolate puddle. Mitchell was one of those hit with the cake, and he instantly stormed over, wiping off his red face. "Ah, Sirius and James," he reprimanded. "Of course you two did this. And you managed to drag Allie into it." He turned to his sister. "Allie, how many times have I told you these two are—?"

"Mitch, I am covered in chocolate!" Allie cried, interrupting him. She obviously hadn't known about the exploding candles. "I don't need you to give me a lecture right now!" Before her brother could say anything else, she found the portrait hole and went very determinedly to the showers.

Quick to recover, Mitch turned back to his troublemakers. I did not want to get in trouble because they blew up my birthday cake, so I followed Allie's example and slipped away to clean up.

When I got back, I saw James, Sirius, and Peter, still with cake in their hair, scrubbing the table and chairs, and anything else that had been showered with cake. Mitch was gone, but I assumed he had already given them lectures by the sour look on their faces. I gave them all a wave as I strode up to the dorm and Sirius gave me a rather obscene hand gesture in return.

I shook my head. They didn't have to blow up my birthday cake, and they most certainly didn't have to blow up my birthday cake with the Head Boy in the common room. It was their own fault if they got detention. Which they did, as I learned later.

Allie was up in the dorm waiting for me on Sirius' bed. There were some brightly wrapped packages around her and she had something in her hands. I stepped over to the bed, grabbing one of the boxes. "I assume these are my presents," I said, trying to get her attention.

"Yeah," she mumbled. "I think they were going to bring you up here after they exploded the cake." She was very preoccupied with whatever was in her hands.

Her hair was wet and smelled like her blackberry shampoo. I couldn't tell what she was looking at, so I put down the package and glanced over her shoulder. "What do you have there?" I wondered, sitting down.

"I don't know," she shrugged. "I was waiting up here for you so I could, you know, give you your presents, since everyone else had to clean up cake. And when I found everyone's presents, I found these calendars. I think they're Sirius'. It's a bit odd, though. He only circled the full moons, and those days come marked in the calendar, don't they?"

My heart started beating a little faster. I swallowed hard and grabbed the calendar from her hands. "That is weird . . ." I said, trying to keep any worry out of my tone. Nervously, I flipped through the pages of the calendar and found all of Sirius' markings. He had circled every night I had gone out to the shack since starting at Hogwarts, and there were extra markings he had made on certain moons that made my stomach clench. There was a little house drawn on both January's and February's full moons. On all the other months, he had drawn a little cross in red pen. They were notes on when I had claimed to be sick and when I had claimed to be visiting home. For March's full moon, he had drawn a little house, too, with a question mark next to it.

He had figured out a pattern. He didn't buy my 'sick mother' excuse. He knew the full moon was significant. I wanted to throw up.

Thinking quickly, I folded the calendar up and put it back in his night stand drawer. "We should leave his things alone," I told Allie casually. "I don't want to snoop." It was bad enough Sirius was starting to theorize. I did not need Allie to be suspicious, too, and I hoped Sirius' markings had been vague enough that she didn't catch on to what he was thinking.

"You're right," she agreed, seeming to forget about the calendar. "You should open your presents now!"

I swallowed again, but nodded. She was off the subject. "All right," I mumbled.

She grabbed one of the four boxes and placed it in my lap. "I think this one's from Sirius," she told me, and I proceeded to neatly open all of my presents.

Sirius' gift was a book on spells called _Saucy Tricks for Tricky Sorts_, something I'm sure he picked out solely because of the title. The card said, 'I know you like boring things like spell books, so I thought you'd like this. One more book for you to spend hours reading when you could be enjoying life with your mates.'

From Peter I received a pack of chocolate frogs. There wasn't a card. To be honest, I think it's the same pack of frogs his mother sent to him last week. I'm not surprised.

James had wrapped up a chocolate cupcake in a blue box. It had a little cherry on top that could have been another explosive device. After reading the card, I only felt slightly less nervous about having to eat it: 'Sorry in advance that we made your birthday cake explode. I'm sure it will have been worth it. I hope this cupcake makes it better :)'

Allie got me an expensive looking new book bag. She told me she had noticed the strap on my current one was tearing. Add those gifts to the care package my parents sent from home, and I can say I had a fairly decent birthday.

With all of the gifts unwrapped, Allie took my nicely folded paper and wadded it into a giant colourful ball, ruining all of the time I had taken to not rip the paper. I made a sound of protest, but she just rolled her eyes at me. "Were you going to keep it?" she wanted to know, holding the paper out for me to take. My eyes glanced over the wad of paper in her hand and I shook my head, so she tossed it in the bin. "I didn't think so."

She stepped back over to me and I forced myself to smile. "Thanks for trying to give me a nice birthday," I told her, moving to sit on my own bed. "Even if James and Sirius still managed to blow up my cake in the end." The dorm was empty besides the two of us and I realized we hadn't ever been alone together before. There had always been some sort of crowd. My annoying thoughts were so much more obvious when no one else was around. I was beginning to feel nauseous.

"You got a cupcake out of it," she offered, gesturing to the still uneaten gift from James on my nightstand. "And you got to be a part of the fun without getting in any trouble."

"That's true," I supposed. "How did you get out of a detention, anyway?"

She glanced at her feet, looking a little embarrassed. "Mitch is a good older brother," she mumbled. "Him being Head Boy has its perks."

"It does, does it?" I taunted. I recalled one of our first conversations where she had been unable to see the bright side of such a powerful sibling. "What happened to Mitch being horrible?"

Allie crinkled her nose. "Shush. You weren't supposed to remember I said that," she reasoned. Her eyes were shifting around the room. "He may be horrible, but everyone has a good side, don't they?"

"Or maybe you're a lousy hypocrite," I suggested playfully. "Now that you know what it's like to have the Head Boy for a brother, you've had a change of heart."

She put an incredulous look on her face. "Okay, I'm a lousy hypocrite," Allie said. "Mitchell got me out of detention and now I love that the Head Boy is my overly protective older brother."

"Was that so terrible to admit?" I wondered.

"It was very terrible," Allie grinned. I didn't know what else to say. An uncomfortable silence closed in on us while I looked anywhere but at her. She might have been doing the same thing, but she coughed and broke the quiet. "I guess it's getting late. I should probably get to bed. Happy birthday, Remus." With a smile, Allie kissed my forehead before leaving the room.

I surprised myself when I was able to say, "Goodnight Allie," as she shut the door behind her. My face felt incredibly warm, and I had to remind myself to breathe. I told myself to not think much of it; it was just a friendly kiss. It had to have been a friendly kiss. It was on the forehead.

Daniel and Owen entered the room right after she left, and I quickly pretended to be fixing my blankets, which probably wasn't the best idea. They both gave me curious looks, having just seen Allie on the stairs and making their own assumptions about what we had been doing. I shrugged, hoping I wasn't blushing.

It took James, Sirius, and Peter longer to get back up to the dorm. I was a few chapters into the book Sirius had gotten for me by the time they were finally finished. "I see you opened all your presents without us," James said, feigning offence. He noticed his cupcake still sitting on my nightstand. "That cupcake won't blow up on you. We already had our fun with the big cake."

I stared at them. They all still had cake in their hair. "If you say so," I said, grabbing the pastry. I took a bite. It was actually quite delicious. "James, this is really good."

"Thank you, Remus," James replied happily. He was using one of his own shirts to wipe the chocolate from his perpetually untidy hair. "I shall tell the kitchen elves you enjoyed it."

"So, you had a good birthday, then?" Sirius asked. There was a smile on his face when he noticed the book I had set aside.

I told him that I did have a good birthday, and they seemed pleased. They must have put a lot of thought into their exploding candles. I suppose I did appreciate the gesture. Each of them wished me Happy Birthday again before going to sleep with cake in their hair. Their pillows will probably be covered in chocolate tomorrow.


	9. Chapter 9

**Entry #22: Monday March 27, 1972 – Two Days Before**

When all of the owls came with the mail during breakfast this morning, a giant screech owl came soaring in with a big pink box. The owl dropped the box on James' plate of sausage, and he squealed with delight. "My birthday cake!" he shrieked, knowing exactly what it was. His birthday was today, and he had been waiting for his package from home all weekend.

Sirius, who had visited James' house over the holidays and had eaten James' mother's cooking, dropped his fork to stare at the pink box. "Did your mother make that cake?" he wondered hungrily. "I like your mother's cake . . ."

James nodded vigorously. "But we have to wait to eat it," he instructed, setting the cake delicately aside, "for when I'm opening presents and stuff later."

Hastily, Sirius fished around in his book bag until he found a lime green package with a bow on top. He tossed it to James, who caught it before it hit him in the face. "Open it now," Sirius said. "I want cake."

Shaking his head, James gave the package back to Sirius. "No!" he insisted. "Not until later. I want my cake and presents to happen with whatever you guys are planning. It's going to be good, right? I'm already excited!"

I glanced up at Sirius, whose face had blanked. Peter was sitting next to James, trying not to wiggle around and give anything away. We had been planning James' party for the past week, but Sirius still wasn't satisfied, mainly because he hadn't been able to think of anything as destructive as blowing up the cake. I focused back on my food, hearing Sirius sigh. "Fine," Sirius amended. "We'll wait. But I expect a big piece of that cake."

"Of course," James said happily. "As long as my surprise is good."

"Oh, it will be." Sirius was assuring, even if his plans weren't entirely finished yet. It was James' birthday, and Sirius was happy. But the smile quickly fell from his eyes when he spotted a girl walking towards our table. It was his girlfriend. "Oh, bloody—" He tried to duck behind me, but she managed to see him anyway.

"Sirius!" she called. Deciding he had best avoid her, Sirius jumped up and abandoned his breakfast, skirting out of the Great Hall faster than I'd ever seen him move before.

I laughed out loud because she was quick behind him. Peter grinned, and James called out locations Sirius could have been running to. We had seen this situation before, several times over the past few days actually, because Sirius desperately wants to break up with his girlfriend again, but he isn't sure how to go about it without upsetting her.

Wait—it's not that he wants to break up with the _same_ girlfriend. I forgot to mention that Sirius broke up with Chloe a week after Valentine's Day. Now he has a new girlfriend that he has been dating for only a week. And Sirius already wants to break up with her. Poor Malina. I don't think she stood a chance with him, really. She's much too . . . I suppose the right word is 'decent.'

We found Sirius again when we got to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. He pushed out the chair next to him and gestured for me to sit down. James, who had been shooed away, frowned at me. "It's for your birthday," Sirius explained to him hastily, pulling me into the chair. I gave James an apologetic smile, and James shrugged before sitting next to Peter.

Allie, too, was a little confused when she saw that I was sitting with Sirius, but I mouthed 'sorry' to her, and she joined Rachel across the room. I knew I could explain later, after I figured it out for myself. "So, why can't I sit next to Allie?" I asked, glancing hopefully to where she was sitting. Allie seemed to be having a pleasant conversation with Rachel.

Sirius gave me a sidelong look. "Firstly," he began slowly, "you sit by Allie all the time, so you can survive one day without it. Secondly, I really do need to bounce final ideas off you for James' party. Thirdly, if I pretend that you and I have something important to talk about, then I don't have to see Malina all day. I know that if I talk to her at all, I'll end up breaking up with her, and I just can't do that on James' birthday."

I screwed up my face. "What? How does that make sense?"

Impatiently, Sirius shook his head, like I should already understand his twisted logic. "If I break up with her today, then it will end in an argument," he said. "I mean, we've been dating for _six days_. Breaking up with her now will not go over well, and I'll be talking to her all night when I could be enjoying James' birthday. He expects a great surprise, and how can I give him a great surprise when I'm consoling a crying girl?"

All I could do was stare at him for a long moment. Professor Arquette had started on her lecture, but she was just reviewing for the exam we are having next week. "Why do you have all of these weird rules about when you can or can't break up with a girl?"

"You'll understand, Remus," he reasoned, "when you get a girlfriend you can't stand. You'll want to at least be polite about ending it."

"Why would I be dating someone I can't stand?" I asked curiously.

Sirius thought about that for a second, his mouth pursed. I wondered what was going on in his head. "I don't know," he said, confused. "I suppose it would be better if you didn't bother, wouldn't it?" He didn't look like he was going to say anything else. I could tell he was having some sort of inner conflict, so I let him think, knowing we would actually talk about James' party when we got to the Transfiguration room.

I wasn't wrong. When we got to McGonagall's classroom, Sirius again forced me to sit next to him, and he seemed to have regained his desire to plan. "So, we have the song," he started, not even bothering to look at McGonagall. "But we need something else. Something bigger than when we blew up your cake. And we can't destroy this one. It's too delicious to destroy."

"Right," I nodded, knowing I wouldn't have to say much. Sirius would do all the talking.

"Something needs to happen," he went on. "We need a BANG! James deserves a bang on his birthday."

I shrugged. "You could always ask Lily Evans to give him a bang," I suggested. It was meant to stay an amusing thought in my head, but the words came out anyway. "James seems to fancy her. Though I doubt she'd do it without a reason. She doesn't seem the type."

Sirius choked on his laughter before looking at me in a proud sort of way. "That," he told me, "was brilliant. I can't believe you just said that."

I shrugged again. It wasn't as if I could take back the words.

"Do you think we could actually get Lily to do something like that?" he wondered vaguely, and I gave him a horrified look. "Oh, nothing major. But maybe we could get her to kiss him on the cheek or something. That would be good enough to earn me that whole cake!"

I narrowed my eyes at him, trying to figure out if he had lost his mind. Lily Evans does not like James, no matter how flattering he tries to make himself. Either Sirius had forgotten about that fact, or he truly believed that James' birthday held the same importance as a national holiday and thought that everyone would do whatever was necessary to give James a good party. "You do realize that won't actually happen, right?" I tried. "I was joking."

"I know that, Remus!" Sirius exasperated. "I just don't have any ideas! _Me_—Sirius Black is out of ideas, and I shouldn't be out of ideas this early in my schooling."

"Oh, don't be so melodramatic," I scoffed. "You'll think of something."

"Well, I can't do it by myself, Remus," Sirius argued. "And you're being more than useless in this conversation. I'm asking for your help!"

I shook my head. "And I really don't know how to help you," I insisted. "The last few times I could give you advice because you guys had already thought of the prank. All I had to help with was the little things. I'm no good at pranks."

"Why didn't you tell me that before?" he groaned, sighing heavily. "Augh! Now all we have is the song. Unless I can come up with something . . ." Sirius trailed off until he was muttering to himself and he didn't pay attention to me for the rest of the day. He still made me sit next to him, but all he did was doodle on his parchment in a desperate attempt to think of a birthday prank.

Meanwhile, James was growing ever more excited for his non–existent surprise with the passing of each class. I didn't have the heart to tell him we didn't have any party planned, and Sirius was still clinging to the miniscule hope that something would come to him and we would be able to pull off the best surprise party ever. Eventually, though, he had to own up to the horrible truth: Sirius Black had failed to come up with a brilliant birthday prank for his best friend, James Potter, and he felt like a failure.

"We still have the song, Sirius," I assured as we made our way to the Great Hall for supper. James was walking slightly ahead of us with Peter, and he kept glancing back at us with an excited smile. "I think James will like that."

"It's not a matter of whether he'll _like it_," Sirius replied quietly. "It's a matter of whether it's _enough_. And it doesn't feel like enough to me."

Personally, I felt the song was plenty, and much more humiliating than blowing up a cake, but I didn't say so. Instead, I shook my head and followed Sirius into the Great Hall, ready to do my part for the 'small' thing we were planning.

We sat down at the Gryffindor table, but Sirius didn't stay with us for long. He muttered, "Be right back," before hopping up and running over to staff table. All of the teachers were a bit startled but he didn't need to talk to them. He just needed to be in the front of the Hall. "Good evening, my fellow Hogwarts students!" He had to say it three times before everyone else quieted to listen to him, all with confused looks on their faces, wondering why a first year was trying to get their attention. "I know everyone is eating, but this will only take a minute of your time."

James glanced at me, trying to discern anything from my face. I shrugged, and he looked excitedly back to Sirius.

"We have a birthday, today!" Sirius went on. The teachers were glancing at one another behind him, deciding whether to stop him or not. "And I would greatly appreciate it if you would aid me in song! James Potter! Please stand up, James!"

That was my cue. I grabbed James' arm and pulled him up. I had assumed it would have been difficult to get him up on the table, but he was ready and willing to help us along. He stood on the Gryffindor table with pride, careful to not knock over anyone's food. Once James was properly situated, Sirius grinned at him and led the entire Great Hall in a round of 'Happy Birthday, Dear James!' I sang along to the normal version of the song, but I could hear Sirius' and Peter's voices shouting out the version of the song we had come up with:

"Happy birthday, dear James!

His glasses have round frames!

Today is his twelfth birthday,

And he hasn't got any brains!"

Peter found our version of the song absolutely hilarious and started laughing when it was through. James clapped harder than anyone as he jumped off the table. He was smiling broadly with slightly red cheeks. The song was obviously enough for him.

Sirius rejoined us on the bench, and James thanked him heartily. Sirius was pleased that James enjoyed it, but I could tell he still wasn't satisfied from the deliberate way he was eating his supper. He was still deep in thought, trying to think of something.

We finished our food and went back to the common room for cake and presents. I have to say, Sirius was not exaggerating. The cake from James' mother was amazing, and I had three whole pieces. While we ate the cake, James opened his presents. I got him a book on Quidditch strategies, Peter gave him another bag of dungbombs, and Sirius got him a broom waxing kit. He loved his gifts and seemed happy with how his birthday had turned out.

When we went up to the dorms, James fell asleep quickly, having made himself tired with so much anticipation. "Great," Sirius complained when he noticed James' eyes were shut. "That's the end of that, and I didn't do anything."

"He really liked the song," I reasoned absently as I worked on my Charms essay. "Why can't that be enough?"

Sirius grumbled at me. "Yeah, well, see if you get a birthday party next year, Lupin."

I rolled my eyes as he pulled his bed curtains closed. "I think I'd be fine with that," I said, though I knew he was no longer listening.

**Entry #23: Saturday April 1, 1972 – Three Days After**

Sirius broke up with Malina today. Today is the first of April, otherwise known as April Fools' Day. As such, she thought he was joking. Because, obviously, ending a relationship is ever so hilarious.

Although in this particular situation it was actually very amusing. I'm a terrible person for saying so, but it's true. Malina thought Sirius was pretending to break up with her, so she spent the whole day thinking they were still dating. Sirius, on the other hand, spent the whole day trying to convince her that they really had broken up but every time he said so, she thought he was joking all over again. And that is how breaking up with someone can be amusing.

**Entry #24: Sunday April 2, 1972 – Four Days After**

There have been a lot of birthdays lately, and you would think I'd be more comfortable celebrating them. But, for whatever reason, the fact that it was Allie's birthday today made me incredibly nervous. I wanted it to be nice, and I knew I couldn't rely on James and Sirius for help. Firstly, I didn't think Allie deserved a James and Sirius style birthday celebration. Not in the sense that she 'isn't worthy,' but in the sense that she hasn't done anything to merit such torture. Secondly, Sirius was still dealing with his break up from yesterday, and James was trying to help him, considering James was the one who told Sirius to ask her out in the first place. So I left them to their own issues and tried to plan something by myself.

I hadn't counted on the fact that I was rubbish at planning anything, though, so I wasn't able to think of anything interesting. All I had for her was the present I had sent for, and I felt unaccomplished. But Allie isn't like James. She didn't need a big celebration to make her birthday special. She was perfectly content with just opening presents from her friends and family.

I found her at breakfast and decided to sit with her, considering I couldn't find James or Sirius. They were probably avoiding Malina somewhere. I wished Allie a happy birthday and handed her my poorly wrapped package. I'm rubbish at wrapping things, too. "I sent for it a few weeks ago," I told her, hoping my cheeks weren't too red. "If you don't like it, I can send it back."

Allie opened the necklace I'd gotten her and a happy smile spread across her face. "Oh, thank you Remus!" she said, clasping the chain around her neck. The green flower pendant stood out against her black robes. "It's lovely."

"So, you like it?" I wondered hopefully.

"Of course I like—" Before she could finish her sentence, Sirius and James strolled into the Great Hall. James kept glancing over his shoulder, but Sirius looked unconcerned, almost like he had accomplished something. He walked up to Allie and casually handed her a box.

"Remus said it's your birthday. Got this for you." That was all he said, and he kept walking down the table until he found his usual spot. James followed right along behind him, still glancing back every few seconds. I assumed he was keeping an eye out for Malina, even though Sirius seemed to have forgotten all about his ex–girlfriend.

Allie sat for a moment, just staring at the box like she wasn't sure what to do with it. I didn't blame her. If Sirius had handed me a box without sticking around to see it opened, I would have been skeptical, too. "Should I risk opening this?" she asked me.

I thought about that and grimaced. "I've got my wand if anything unexpected happens," I assured. "But I don't think Sirius would give _you_ anything that explodes."

She nodded, but it still took her a moment to actually open the box. Once she finally worked up the nerve, Allie removed the item and placed it on the table with an amused smile on her face. I stared at it, too, and sighed. Did Sirius know nothing about Allie?

I grabbed the present and excused myself for a moment, walking down the table to where Sirius was sitting. "What is this?" I asked amusedly, holding the bottle out in front of him.

"It's perfume," Sirius explained with a shrug. He wasn't even looking at me. "Girls like perfume, right? I thought it would be nice."

I tried to not laugh at him. "It would have been nice," I began slowly, "if this present didn't have the remarkable ability to kill her."

Sirius gave me an incredulous look. "Kill her?" he exclaimed. "It's just perfume."

"She's allergic, you dunce!" I explained, shoving the bottle back into his hands. "Her windpipe will close up if she breathes that in."

His face fell a little, but Sirius is much too proud to think his present was poorly thought through. "How was I supposed to know she's allergic?" he retorted angrily, and I tried not to get angry too. A bottle of perfume was a silly thing to fight over.

"Well, I don't know, Sirius," I said, trying not to sound condescending. "You might discover those kinds of things if you'd actually talk to a girl for longer than three minutes."

He frowned and sat the bottle to the side. "Well, what'd you get her, if you're so wise on this stuff?" he wanted to know.

I felt myself go a little red. "I got her a—a necklace."

A nasty grin spread across his face and it made me uncomfortable. "I suppose that's a good present, too," he allowed, but I could tell what was going on inside his twisted brain.

I ignored the impish look Sirius was giving me, and went back over to Allie. Both of her siblings had joined her at this point, and I smiled awkwardly at them. Erin smiled back, but Mitchell seemed to wish me as far away from his little sister as possible.

Allie was opening her gifts from them as I sat down next to her. Her brother got her a book called _Prefects Who Gained Power_. I think it was supposed to be motivational, but at this rate, Allie won't want a Prefects' badge even if she manages to get one. Her sister got her numerous bright pink hair accessories, probably assuming they could bond over hair styling after the time they spent together during the holidays. I'm not sure which gift Allie disliked more, but she thanked both of them all the same. Her brother and sister were able to walk away thinking they had made their sister happy.

"Some of the hair stuff isn't completely horrible," she supposed after they were gone. "I might use a few of them. But _Prefects Who Gained Power_? Really, Mitchell . . ."

I laughed a little. "Maybe you'll read it when you actually are a prefect," I tried, finishing off my toast. "Oh, um, I know homework on your birthday isn't fun, but we have that essay due on Tuesday. I was going to go to the library if you wanted to join me."

"Sure," she smiled. "It's not like I have anything else planned."

I waited for her to finish her eggs and then we got our things from the common room before going down to the library. We spotted Wesley at a table and he gladly made room for us. "Are you working on the Herbology essay?" he wondered as we sat down across from him.

We nodded. He nodded back and he pushed a book towards us. "I just got finished with that essay," Wesley said and he started gathering his things together. "And this book has a lot of good information. You should try it. I'm leaving anyway."

"Thanks Wesley," Allie replied, opening the book. She positioned it between us so I could use the book too.

Wesley nodded at her and threw his bag over his shoulder. He almost walked away, but he halted, like he had remembered something. "Hey, Allie, it's your birthday today, isn't it?" he said. She gave an absent nod, already focused on the book. "Well, then, happy birthday, Allie." Wesley reached into his bag, pulled out a yellow flower, and placed it on the page of her book.

Confused, Allie picked up the flower and looked up at Wesley. "A daisy! How did you know daisies were my favorite?" she asked happily, holding the flower to her nose.

"It was just a lucky guess, I suppose," Wesley said, a crooked smile on his face. He touched her wrist before saying his goodbyes and walking away.

I sat very still as Allie smelled her flower. "Wasn't that sweet of him, Remus?" Allie asked.

I nodded carefully, thinking 'sweet' wasn't the word I would have used. "Yes," I said. "It is a very nice flower." My chest felt hollow and I concentrated on the book to avoid looking at her. She just smiled and kept staring at the yellow daisy.

I wanted to take the flower and stomp on it, but I held myself back. I didn't have any good reason to be upset, but there I was, furious with Wesley for giving her a flower. Eventually, she sat the daisy down and we finished our essays. I wasn't able to say much.

When we finally finished working after several long hours, Allie excused herself to go meet Rachel. I was almost happy to have her leave. She might not have felt the awkward tension while we were busy writing, but it was ever so present to me. Only once I was alone, back up in my dorm, could I stop thinking about that stupid flower.

I don't think it would have bothered me as much if Allie didn't like the flower. I mean, it was just a little daisy. Why would she like a silly flower so much . . . unless she likes Wesley? But she can't like Wesley. She doesn't even know Wesley.

What's wrong with me? Why am I fretting about this? So Wesley picked her a flower. It's just a flower. She liked my gift, too. But . . . I can't help thinking about it. She fawned over that flower, and all she did with my gift was put it around her neck and forget about it.

_Written after:_

When Allie came back to the common room just a few minutes ago, she didn't have the daisy with her. She told me she must have forgotten it somewhere and she doesn't remember where it could be. "It was just a flower," she said.


	10. Chapter 10

There was definitely a bump. Tonks could see that now. "How long has that been there?" she asked herself, staring at her exposed stomach in the mirror. She placed her hand carefully above her navel, remembering how flat it used to be.

It was no wonder everyone at the meeting had been acting so strangely towards her. She had thought it was because Remus hadn't shown up to the meeting. Everyone had noticed his absence the moment she walked in the room without him. Not that she would have expected him to be there. It had only been two days. There was no way he'd risk running into her so soon.

"Where's that husband of yours, Tonks?" Kingsley had asked.

She paused. "Don't worry. I'll fill him in later," she said.

Kingsley's eyes flicked down for a second, and Tonks thought he might have been looking at her stomach. Had Remus told him? No. He hadn't wanted to tell anyone yet, she remembered, so she convinced herself it had been her imagination.

But Kingsley pulled out her chair for her when she went to sit down, and Arthur had brought her a mug of tea and didn't offer one to anyone else. At the time, Tonks thought Molly had asked him to. Now, seeing for herself how obvious the baby bulge was, it seemed much more likely her fellow Order members had all guessed she was pregnant and were taking extra measures to make her feel comfortable while Remus wasn't there.

Tonks couldn't help worrying if they had also guessed the real reason Remus was absent from the meeting. It would be far too embarrassing if they had, especially after the drama their relationship had caused the previous year. Everyone had been so supportive, and if they knew the relationship had ended so horribly, Tonks wouldn't want to show her face at a meeting again. She put her trust in them believing Remus had gone to make sure Harry was safe, like he had discussed doing with Kingsley after the attack on the wedding.

Pulling her shirt back down, Tonks wondered where Remus was now. Maybe he _had_ gone to find Harry. He was probably doing something useful with their break-up while Tonks wallowed in her old bedroom at her mother's house. The Order meeting was the first time she had stopped reading and left her room since coming to stay with her parents. She glanced at his diary on her pillow, a ribbon dangling from the pages marking the last entry she read. Was it healthy to continue to immerse herself in his words, his thoughts, his desires, and do nothing for herself? The diary was merely a distraction. The entries didn't connect her to him. They detached her, distracted her from the reality of the present by allowing her into his past. And the more she found out about his past, the angrier she became that he hadn't told her any of it.

Tonks forced herself to turn away from the book and she wandered downstairs, where her mother was reading the Prophet on the couch. "How nice to see you," she said pertly, glancing up from the paper to stare at her daughter. When Tonks didn't answer, Andromeda scowled. "I did not bring you here to lock you in your room, Dora, and I know all you're doing in there is thinking about him. I brought you here to get over him and help you get through this pregnancy by yourself. Or have you just given up?"

"I haven't given up, mother." Tonks fell onto the next couch cushion. "It's just hard to stop thinking about someone who's been a part of your life for nearly two years."

Andromeda folded up the newspaper and set it aside to observe her daughter more closely. "Dora, what do you plan on doing now that Remus is gone? Do you plan on getting on with your life and preparing to be a single mother, or do you honestly plan on waiting for him? You told me what he said to you. He won't be back any time soon."

Tonks opened her mouth to argue, but a man's voice interrupted her. "Andromeda," the man said warningly.

Both women glanced at Ted Tonks, and Andromeda got to her feet. "What, Ted?" she asked. "I'm only trying to help. The girl needs to face reality."

"No, the girl is grieving," Ted said. "It's been two days. She's allowed to be upset about his walking out on her for some time more than that." He smiled at Tonks, who mouthed her thanks for his support.

Her mother looked between the the two of them, gave a frustrated sigh, and stormed out of the room. "Fine! I won't help anymore! I'll throw her to the wolves!" Loud clattering noises issued from the kitchen as cupboards were slammed and pans were thrown around in the sink. Her mother liked to clean when she was upset.

Ted rolled his eyes and followed his wife, raising his voice at her as he went. "Oh, don't you pretend you're doing this to help Dora. It's for you, to prove you were right about him! You have been determined to hate Remus from the start, just because the man is a werewolf! Dromeda, you of all people should understand what your daughter went through trying to make a relationship work with a man her parents didn't approve of! And now she doesn't need you telling her you told her so!"

There were shouts from Andromeda in response, more than likely her mother listing the many terrible things she thought of Remus from the start, but Tonks didn't wait around to hear any more of the fight. She rushed back up the stairs and shut her bedroom door tight behind her. Tonks collapsed into her bed, hiding her head in her arms to block it all out. It felt like she was thirteen again, like she was home from Hogwarts for the winter holidays and her parents were arguing about some trouble she'd gotten in at school. Only this time it wasn't about her being caught in her skivvies in the lake at midnight or "accidentally" knocking over a suit of armor. This time they were arguing about her life. It wasn't a matter of punishment anymore. It was a matter of if they could trust her to live on her own, without their help, now that she had a baby on the way and no husband to support her.

Right now, her chances of enduring didn't seem likely. Remus' departure was hitting her hard, and she doubted she would ever recover fully. She feared she would end up doing what her mother had accused her of: waiting for him until he came back, despite all evidence saying he wouldn't.

She felt something hard at her elbow and knew it was the diary. As depressed as she would feel after reading the diary, it was almost worth it just to be distracted again. Remus' childhood thoughts were so much more pleasant than her own at the moment, and she wanted _something_ of him. A diary wasn't him, but it was better than nothing. She opened the book and continued to read.

* * *

><p><strong>Entry #25: Monday April 17, 1972 – Eleven Days Before<strong>

Sirius Black is a master of rebounds. I'm not sure whether this is a skill he has taken the time to master, or if it's just another part of his natural evil genius. Nevertheless, his ability to jump from one girl to the next with seamless perfection is somewhat frightening, and I have to say I'm impressed. In a bad way.

I'm only saying this because Sirius now has another girlfriend. Her name is Piper Strong, and she is a Chaser for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. She was dating Kyle Morris up until March, when Kyle broke up with Piper after a ten month relationship. Sirius decided to disregard the fact that she was still healing and, with the utmost sensitivity, asked her out last night, even though he himself was in a relationship not two weeks ago. Surprisingly, he actually took the time to ask her properly, which is a big step for him. And I caught them talking to each other today, and he seemed to be enjoying the conversation.

It seems he can actually do a good job with this relationship. It's only been a day, but it's already miles above any of the other relationships he's had. Maybe having those other girlfriends has taught him something. Maybe this relationship with Piper will actually turn into something.

If it doesn't, I doubt Sirius will take long finding another girl.

**Entry #26: Saturday April 22, 1972 – Six Days Before**

The final Quidditch match of the season was today. James wanted us to go down because he's become obsessed with seeing whether Gryffindor wins the cup or not. He told us that if our team won, then the team really didn't need him to play. If we lost, he could safely say the team would have done better if he were on it. Sirius was very willing to go down to the pitch with James, mainly because this would be the first time he got to see Piper playing her sport as his girlfriend, which meant Peter and I were forced along, too. I dragged Allie with me, not wanting to sit through their annoying comments all by myself.

Rachel came with her. I wasn't entirely pleased by this, but Allie insisted. Apparently, she's working on some sort of experiment. I think she's attempting to train Rachel in 'social normalities,' because, let's face it: Rachel doesn't have any people skills. It's almost impossible for her to hold a conversation without starting an argument, and she really dislikes being in groups of any more than two. In all honesty, I'm not sure how she's survived at a boarding school if she hates people so much. Maybe it was the only place that would take her. I know what that's like.

At the game, she wasn't terrible to deal with until Gryffindor took the lead. And it wasn't because she was rooting for Ravenclaw. Once our team was winning, James and Sirius became much more vocal about their opinions. Sirius cheered loudly if Piper so much as flew across the field, and James suddenly had an expert opinion about every single move made during play. I'll be the first to admit they were getting annoying, but the rest of us knew better than to mention it.

Rachel wasn't as patient. She shot them a few warning glares, but both of them pretended not to notice. Eventually, though, Sirius felt the need to say something. He likes to confront people who have a problem with him, possibly to make a bigger problem. "Excuse me, Stokes," he started rudely. "Is there a reason you've been glaring at me for the past twenty minutes?"

"I thought I saw something disgusting on your face," she retorted. "Wait. That _is_ your face. I'm sorry."

"Oh ho!" he laughed. "This one's got claws on her!" Sirius glanced at James with an evil smile, making sure James was ready to back him up. "And I'll have you know, Stokes, that plenty of girls happen to love this face. One of them is out on that field right now, winning the Quidditch cup." He turned back towards the game in an attempt to point out his girlfriend.

"You mean Piper?" Rachel spat. "Everyone knows she was on rebound when you asked her out. That's probably the only reason she agreed. You can't possibly like her if you were willing to overlook that."

Sirius' eyes narrowed. "Not that it's any of your business, but what do you care?" he demanded. "It's _my_ relationship, and I don't see why it matters to you why I'm dating her."

"I _don't_ care!" Rachel cried. "About you, anyway. But someone should stand up for these girls you're hurting. It isn't fair if they're more interested in you than you are in them. They just end up crying and hating you."

Sirius balked. "I don't think it's up to you to decide how interested in a girl I am," he argued. "For your information, I happen to be very interested in Piper."

He went on complaining while Allie nudged my arm. I had been trying to ignore the pointless fight, but I looked at her and nodded, knowing exactly what the nudge meant. "I know," I mouthed. "But what are we supposed do?"

She shook her head. "I can't take her anywhere, can I?" Allie whispered back. "I'll have to keep her locked up. Should I just—?"

Before Allie could finish her sentence, Rachel turned from Sirius, cutting him off in the middle of his complaint, and grabbed Allie's arm. "Is he always this irritating?" she wondered, pretending like Sirius wasn't there.

"He's stubborn," Allie said as she rolled her eyes at me. "Just like you are."

"I am not!" Rachel shouted, but Allie wasn't in the mood to fix Rachel's problems. Allie gave her friend a look that asked, 'Really?' before she turned back to the game.

Rachel didn't say anything else. She folded her arms moodily and faced forward. Allie was quite satisfied with how she had dealt with the situation and she held out a fist for me to bump. "I think you can handle her just fine," I said.

"I try," Allie grinned.

Sirius leaned forward and clapped Allie on the shoulders. "Thanks for calling off your dog," he mumbled into her ear. "I owe you one."

Allie glanced at his hand, which was on her shoulder quite a few seconds longer than necessary, and then she looked at me, confused. I shrugged, not sure why Sirius was touching her. "I just said it to get you both to shut up," she admitted. His hand was still on her shoulder. "Wasn't trying to solve anything."

"Well, thanks anyway," he smiled, at the same time that Rachel muttered, "Yeah, whatever you say, Allie."

Allie looked at them both, then back at me. She wasn't sure what else she could do to alleviate the situation. "Well, I think we should just leave it at that," I tried quickly. "It was a pointless fight anyway."

Sirius straightened and pulled his hand away. Rachel kept her arms crossed, looking like she was trying hard to pretend everyone else had disappeared.

Allie mouthed her thanks and touched my hand. "Even if I get her under control she causes trouble," she complained. "Remus, why do I put up with all of this?"

I grinned. "Because you're a good friend," I said. "And don't worry about it. Sirius makes everything difficult for everyone. I think he does it on purpose. I'm not sure how I put up with _him_, either."

"You're a good friend, too," she said. I noticed she still hadn't moved her hand.

James shushed us with a finger to his lips. He was tired of trying to watch the game over all the bickering. We all settled back into our seats and I kept an eye on Sirius. He was staring at Allie intently, as if he was trying to decide something about her, and it bothered me. I'm not sure what I look like when I catch myself staring at Allie, but I imagine I look a little something like Sirius did during that Quidditch match. I don't like that look coming from him, and the unease I felt in my stomach didn't go away, even when Gryffindor won the cup.

**Entry #27: Saturday April 29, 1972 – One Day After**

I don't know what I'm going to do. Last full moon, I was forced to say my mother was sick again, just in an attempt to be consistent. I knew Sirius was suspicious, but I didn't have a choice. I didn't have any other excuse prepared. And all this month, I've been so preoccupied with other things that I've completely forgotten to think of something else to say to him. Now, I only have an hour before I leave the Hospital Wing and have to face Sirius and James.

James isn't as suspicious as Sirius is, so I'm not worried about convincing him. It's just Sirius. No one else really notices. Even Allie doesn't question what I tell her. But Sirius . . . What am I supposed to say to him? I can't tell him the truth. I'd lose all my friends if he found out the truth. But I just don't have any more ideas. My mother can't be 'sick.' I can't be 'sick.' Whatever I eventually come up with has to encompass all of my disappearances. It has to be something that Sirius can't find any fault in. Otherwise, he'll just become suspicious all over again.

The only thing I can think of is having some sort of schedule. Something that keeps taking me away from the school on a regular basis. Maybe I have regularly scheduled visits to home. You know, to visit my terribly ill mother. That way, I can keep to my 'sick mother' excuse, but cover all the rest of the disappearances, too.

That might work. McGonagall might even write me some kind of note as evidence. If proof from a teacher doesn't get Sirius off my back, I don't know what will.

* * *

><p>*Quick Note: Sorry it took so long to update! I've been busy with work lately so I haven't found time to update, but I promise an update at least once a week from now on (unless something terrible comes up). Oh, and this chapter is shorter than usual, but that's because the next chapter is longer than usual. Please leave a review :)<p> 


	11. Chapter 11

**Entry #28: Monday May 1, 1972 – Three Days After**

During April Fool's Day, Sirius was burdened by a girlfriend he couldn't get rid of. It took him the entire day to break up with her, so Sirius and James were not able to partake in "the merriment that is the day of fools." Those were their words, not mine. Personally, I thought it was fantastic that they didn't have time to wreak havoc, but it's apparently important that they have an entire day dedicated to pranking everyone. They rescheduled April Fool's Day for today.

The only warning I received on the matter was another note pinned to my pajamas when I woke up this morning. 'Welcome, Remus, to the Mayday of Fools! Remember to take the necessary precautions and have a nice day!' I didn't know what that meant because I was pretty sure the 'Day of Fools' had already happened, but I quickly found out when I was rummaging through my wardrobe to find my outfit for the day. I couldn't find any of my underpants. A quick glance around the room told me that everyone else was missing their underpants, too.

Conveniently, James and Sirius had already gone down to breakfast.

Thinking they must have hidden our underpants, I searched everywhere. It took a while, but I eventually found the stash under James' bed. At first I was excited, but then I realized what had happened. They hadn't stopped at hiding our underpants. For their first prank, James and Sirius had shrunk every single pair of underpants that could be found in our dormitory. Including their own, so we wouldn't think to borrow theirs.

Wesley claimed he didn't have time for underpants, so he left without, obviously finding their prank amusing. All of the other boys were patient enough to let me re–enlarge one pair for each of them before they went down to yell at James and Sirius. I enlarged a pair for myself and went to find Allie, knowing it wouldn't do any good to say anything to either of them. It was their 'Mayday of Fools,' and there was nothing anyone could say to stop them.

I couldn't find Allie right away, so I decided to ask the first girl I spotted, and that girl was Lily. When I asked her where Allie was, Lily gave me a grimace and looked up the stairs to the girls' dormitories. "She's still up there," she said slowly. "It's bad, so be nice when you see her." Lily smiled sadly before walking past me and out the portrait hole.

I wasn't sure what had happened, but it had to have been James and Sirius. Boys aren't allowed in the girls' dormitories, so I sat down on the bottom stair and waited, hoping whatever they had done to her wasn't too horrible. At least fifteen minutes passed before I heard the door open. I glanced up and saw Brittany at the top of the stairs, her hands reaching inside the room in an attempt to drag Allie out. "Come on!" Brittany was insisting. "Allie, it doesn't look bad at all. It's actually very pretty!" Brittany spotted me and had an idea. "Remus! Remus is down here, Allie. He'll tell you, but you have to come downstairs."

I heard her groan, but Allie reluctantly let her friend pull her out of the room. My mouth fell open, but I quickly closed it before she could see the surprise on my face. Lily had told me to be nice, and now I understood why.

"What happened?" I asked, already thinking of ways to get back at James and Sirius.

Brittany frowned. "Someone switched out her shampoo," she said. "We're not sure when they did it, but Allie woke up this morning and her hair was like that."

"Remus!" Allie moaned, running down the stairs. I caught her and awkwardly patted her on the back, trying to console her. "They turned my hair blue! My. Hair. Is. Blue."

"It was Sirius and James, I'm sure. They shrunk my underpants, too," I told, not trying to outdo her misfortune. My underpants had been fixable. I didn't know any spells to turn her hair back to its usually lovely blonde colour.

She pulled back and gave me a confused look. "Your underpants?" she wondered. "Why would they shrink your underpants? Why would they turn my hair blue?"

"I'm not sure," I said, still holding her. It was remarkable that my breathing was still normal. "They left me a note and said that today is the 'Mayday of Fools,' which I think is like April Fool's Day, but it's in May . . . They're probably doing this because they didn't get to celebrate the actual April Fool's Day."

Allie's nostrils flared. "They're terrible!" she cried. "What else are they going to do?"

"I have no idea," I said, shaking my head. "But I'm hoping they'll stick to one prank per person. The worst pranks are yet to come, I'm sure, and they've gotten us out of the way first."

"You think?" I nodded, and she sighed. "Good. I'd hate to see what they came up with that's worse than turning someone's hair blue. This is just awful. I don't look hideous, do I? Be honest, Remus."

"No, you look fine," I assured. Her hair was blue and she was still beautiful. "Brittany was right. It's actually a very nice colour of blue."

"See, Allie?" Brittany said. "You don't have to hide in the room. Thanks for getting her to come out, Remus. I guess I'll see you two in class."

"Yeah, sure," I said as she strode out of the common room. Allie and I followed her out and went down to breakfast, where we sat as far away from James and Sirius as possible. There were a few people staring at Allie's strange new hair colour, but she held her head high and braved our sniggering classmates with dignity.

I glanced down the table to James and Sirius. Peter had joined them, and was giggling about something James had just said. I guess Pete had forgiven them already. Sirius gave me a challenging look and I shook my head, letting him know I was bothered. He nodded back, as if to assure me the blue hair was the worst Allie would experience. I mouthed my thanks to him, and he smiled, gesturing for me to join them. That I couldn't agree to. Allie still needed me, and I didn't want to hear the list of pranks they had scheduled for the day. It would be very tempting to tell a teacher if I knew their plans, and I didn't want to get them in trouble so long as they remained harmless.

Allie and I finished our breakfast, and we went down to Potions, Allie half hiding her head under the hood of her robes. The dungeon room door was usually open, but we found it closed. On the door was a message: 'First Year Potions will be held in Dungeon Room 8 today while Dungeon Room 3 is being cleaned. Thank you, Slughorn.' It was suspicious, but the note wasn't written in James' or Sirius' handwriting. It wasn't Peter's either, and I wasn't sure who else they could have gotten to write the note, but I knew James and Sirius had done it.

We followed the directions anyway, and made our way to Dungeon Room 8. Just as I had suspected, there was a note on this door, too. 'First Year Potions will be held in Dungeon Room 5 as Dungeon Room 8 has been flooded. Thank you, Slughorn.'

I sighed and grabbed Allie's hand before she could start for Dungeon Room 5. "No, Allie," I said. "Let's just go back to the first room. This is Sirius and James again." Several classmates followed us as we went back to our original classroom, but a few others followed the directions on the note. I rolled my eyes; I was almost sorry they were falling for such an obvious prank.

The sensible group that had gone back to the first classroom stood patiently as we waited for Slughorn. Or even James and Sirius. Twenty minutes passed. No one else showed up. "You're sure we weren't supposed to follow the notes, Remus?" Allie wondered, fingering her blue hair out of boredom. "What if everyone else is in Dungeon Room 5 right now, and we're all missing class?"

At her words, a few members of our small group went down the hall to find Dungeon Room 5, and Allie gave me a look. I sighed. "Fine," I said. "We'll go to Room 5."

Allie thanked me and pulled me down the hallway. We found Dungeon Room 5, and I groaned when I saw another note on the door. This note instructed us to go to Dungeon Room 1, and Allie insisted that we check it out, just to make sure. There, not surprisingly, we found yet another note. Dungeon Room 1 led us to Dungeon Room 7, Dungeon Room 7 led us to Dungeon Room 4, and Dungeon Room 4 led us to Dungeon Room 9. I tried to turn back at this point, but Allie wanted to go on a wild goose chase rather than sit waiting for Slughorn, so we kept going.

We followed Dungeon Room 9's note to Dungeon Room 6, and Dungeon Room 6 took us to Dungeon Room 2. I was really fed up at this point, but this door was open. Our classmates were all inside. "A bit late, are we?" Slughorn wondered as we found our seats. "I know class is in a different location, but it's only one corridor over. It shouldn't have been so hard to find."

"The notes were confusing, Sir," I explained respectfully. I still felt Sirius and James had been behind this.

"Notes?" the teacher wondered. "What notes? I asked Mr. Black to inform you all about the room change, and that shouldn't have required notes. Mr. Black, did you not understand my instructions?"

"No, you were crystal clear, Sir," Sirius replied. He and James were near the front, and I could see the furious grin on James' face. "I'm not sure what Remus is talking about."

"Well, Remus, don't let it happen again," Slughorn said. "Same goes to all the rest of you late arrivals. I'll let it slide this time."

I made a face at Sirius, and Sirius just raised his eyebrows to me. I could tell he was trying not to laugh, and I couldn't believe I had fallen for it. They had really outdone themselves with this one. I had to appreciate the subtle genius of it. The real prank had come only when I didn't fall for the prank. How ironic. I rolled my eyes, deciding to let it go. Slughorn obviously wasn't upset, and I wasn't in trouble. Just embarrassed.

Now that he had his whole class, Slughorn started his lesson on Forgetfulness Potions. I took notes, which meant I didn't keep my eyes on James and Sirius. That was a mistake, because they weren't finished with their Potions Pranks, and I didn't see what they were planning. I should have guessed they would pull something else, considering they hadn't managed to fool Severus with their notes on the doors. They still needed to torture _him_.

We began the practical part of the lesson and Sirius got up, pretending he had forgotten an ingredient. He passed by Snape and, without the least bit of discretion, knocked all of his materials to the ground. Sirius kept walking as Snape fell to the floor, hastily trying to gather up his supplies.

Slughorn had seen the entire scene. "Black!" he commanded. "Get back there and help Snape pick up those things you so carelessly knocked over."

This had apparently been a part of Sirius' plan. "Certainly, professor," he said. He turned around on the spot and knelt down. "So sorry, Snivellus. Wasn't an accident." Snape glared at him, and Sirius just smiled back. It was obvious to me that Sirius had something more sinister on his mind, but Snape only saw a simple smirk on his tormentor's face, seemingly from yet another successful attempt at humiliating him.

"I don't need your help, Black," Severus sneered, though he was still allowing Sirius to pick up his things.

Sirius kept smiling. "Well, Slughorn is making me," he replied. "Believe me, because I wouldn't bother otherwise."

When all the ingredients were back on the table, Sirius continued to the supplies closet with a very haughty look on his face. I wasn't sure what he had done, but it couldn't have been as simple as knocking Snape's things over. He could do that any day. On their 'Mayday of Fools,' it had to have been something more.

He didn't have anything new when he emerged from the supply closet, which only added to my suspicion. Sirius took his seat again and casually bumped James' fist. They resumed working, only sparing the occasional glance up to check what Snape was doing.

Very suddenly, Snape's potion went sour. The dark green concoction quickly faded to a sickly yellow colour before it started to hiss. It boiled over and Snape jumped back to avoid getting the potion down his robes. A moment later, Snape was hopping up and down, shouting in annoyance as the potion puddled around his feet and started to melt his shoes.

Slughorn got up with a heavy grunt and meandered over to Snape's cauldron. "Ah, Snape, it would appear you've added too many beetle eyes," he reprimanded in a lecturing tone. "Look at this, class! This is exactly why you need to carefully measure out your ingredients _before_ you add them to your potions! Sometimes, even the slightest miscalculation in amount can have dangerous results. Exactly thirteen beetle eyes are needed for this recipe, and it would appear that Snape, here, has added one more than necessary. All of you should remember that!" With a wave of his wand he vanished the yellow gunge that was beginning to congeal on the floor.

"But, Professor!" Snape argued, seeming exceptionally confused by the mishap. "I added only thirteen beetle eyes! I counted them out three times before setting them aside. I couldn't have added too many."

It seemed Slughorn hadn't heard Snape's protest, and he muttered, "No excuses. Just start over again," as he waddled away.

Snape looked mutinous, and rightly so. During the entire year, I don't think I've seen him make one mistake in Potions class. He always measures and remeasures every ingredient, to the point of obsession. I'd almost had the nerve to ask him for help at the beginning of the year, before I knew James was just as decent at Potions, and Snape was apparently someone I wasn't supposed to associate with. It seemed logical to me that his ingredients had been tampered with, and my eyes darted back to James and Sirius.

Both were struggling to keep from bursting out laughing. James was doubled over, biting his tongue. Sirius had both hands clamped tightly over his mouth and his shoulders were shaking violently. A glance at each other was all it took for them to lose it. They exploded in uncontrollable laughter, and Snape figured out what they had done just as fast as I had. Snape glared at them but got to work on repairing his potion, very wisely deciding to save his retaliation for later when there wasn't a teacher present.

"Was that James and Sirius, too?" Allie wondered beside me.

I nodded. "Yeah," I mumbled, not wanting Slughorn to hear. "When Sirius knocked over Snape's things, he threw in another beetle eye. He probably knew Snape wouldn't bother checking his ingredients again."

Allie frowned at me, like she was going to scold me for letting Sirius and James get away with their antics. But then she saw my potion, and she quickly grabbed my spoon. "Oh, Remus," she started. "You're stirring too fast. It won't heat up that way. You _are_ rubbish at potions." I sighed and stood back, letting her fix whatever it was I had ruined.

Eventually the bell rang, which was good and bad at the same time. It was good because Allie didn't have to continue to fix the mistakes I'd made in my potion. It was bad because I knew James and Sirius still had a lot more up their sleeves. I slowly gathered my things, trying to decide whether it would be easier to tell Madam Pomfrey I was feeling peaked and hide out in the Hospital Wing for the rest of the afternoon.

"Remus," Allie scolded as we walked out of the dungeons. "I'm not going around the school with blue hair all by myself. I don't care if you really are sick. You're staying with me."

"Oh, all right," I agreed, mussing up her blue hair. She giggled and grabbed at my hand just as James and Sirius caught up to us on the stairs.

"Oy, Allie!" Sirius said, and I couldn't tell if he was mocking her or not. "That is really a lovely hair colour!" He put an arm around her shoulders and toyed with a strand of her hair. "Blue is most becoming on you."

She yanked his arm away from her. "Bugger off, you jerk!" she said, pushing him back. "I hate this hair colour, and you're the one who did this to me! Go away!"

"Oh, come off it," Sirius insisted as James started laughing. "It'll wash out by tomorrow, I promise. If it doesn't, I will turn my own hair blue so you won't be alone. James will, too."

James stopped laughing instantly. "What?" James questioned. "I'm not turning my hair."

Sirius shook his head and grabbed James on the shoulder. "Jamesy," he tried. "This is Allie we're talking about."

"Exactly," James argued. His hand had jumped to his messy hair, as if to check it was still the colour it was supposed to be. "I would understand if you wanted me to turn my hair blue for Piper. She's your girlfriend. Allie isn't, so I don't see why you're so concerned. Unless . . . You are still with Piper, right? You aren't broken up and trying to move on to Allie?"

Sirius half shrugged, half nodded while Allie and I looked between the two of them, slightly confused. "Yeah, I'm still with Piper," he said dismissively. "But that's not the point." He looked at Allie, as if trying to assure her he would convince James. "The point is these pranks aren't supposed to last longer than today. If we've turned Allie's hair blue for a while, the least we could do is turn our hair blue, too."

James shook his head with conviction. "I can't do that, Sirius."

"You said yourself that it will wash out," Sirius reasoned, becoming impatient. "You know you won't really have to dye your hair, so just promise you will already, and make her feel better. Unless you're telling me the stuff you put in her shampoo doesn't wash out right away." Sirius raised his eyebrows, and I could see there was a bit of worry behind his eyes.

Allie's mouth fell open in horror at James' silence. I took a step back, recognizing danger when I saw it. She let out a yelp and grabbed her head. "If my hair is still blue tomorrow, I don't care what I have to do!" she shouted, and they both froze. "But both of you will be bald! Whether I have to shave it or bewitch it off, you will have _no hair_ if mine is still blue!" With that said, she ran up the stairs.

"It might not wash out?" I demanded. "What's the matter with you two?" They opened and closed their mouths soundlessly, seemingly unable to answer me. I gave them both incredulous looks and rolled my eyes before rushing to catch up with her.

She had run to the entrance hall, hiding in a corner with her robes pulled over her head. She wouldn't turn around even when I put a hand on her shoulder. I sighed. "Are you okay?"

"No." I could barely hear her from under her robes, but I knew she was crying from the way her shoulders shook and the hitch in her voice. "I'm not okay, Remus. My hair is blue and it's stuck that way. I could get through today with blue hair because I thought it would wash out by tomorrow. But because of those idiots, it won't wash out. I can't keep walking around school with blue hair! I just can't!"

Impulsively, I wrapped my arms around her. Looking back on that moment, it was incredible I managed to form a coherent sentence with her so close to me. Even though it was blue, her hair still smelled like blackberries and I could hardly focus. "Well if it doesn't wash out, I will personally help you shave their heads," I promised. "And . . . if you want . . . we can go to Madam Pomfrey now. Blue hair isn't really an injury, but maybe she can do something."

"I'd like that," Allie mumbled into my shoulder.

It was lunch time, so we went up to the Hospital Wing without worrying about being late for our next class. I took Allie's hand and led her up the familiar stairs, where Madam Pomfrey greeted us with a welcoming smile. "Mr. Lupin," she said happily. "How are you feeling today? Is your wrist still . . .?" But she trailed off when I widened my eyes at her, not wanting her to say anything about my condition. Allie didn't need to hear about that.

"I'm fine, nurse," I said. "But someone put something in Allie's shampoo. She doesn't know if it will wash out, and I was wondering if there's anything you can do."

Switching her focus to Allie, the nurse stepped towards her and examined a strand of the blue hair. "Yes, I think this will wash out," Madam Pomfrey assured. I saw Allie's shoulders relax at these words. "It'll take some magical shampoo but, Miss Bond, your hair will be back to normal before lunch is over. Thank you, Mr. Lupin. I'll send her back when she is no longer blue."

Allie nodded, looking relieved. Smiling, the nurse took out her wand and led Allie to the other side of the room. I trusted Madam Pomfrey, so I left the Hospital Wing and went back downstairs for lunch. James and Sirius were in the Great Hall with food piled on their plates, looking positively unfazed. Peter had joined them but was stuffing food in his face, unaware of anything around him besides lunch. "Where's Allie?" James asked when I sat down. He didn't really sound concerned.

"Madam Pomfrey is magically removing the blue from her hair," I explained, trying to make them feel guilty. "I had to try something because Allie was practically in hysterics. Lucky the nurse knew what to do. Allie should be back in time for History of Magic."

Sirius grinned. "See?" he implored. "It was completely removable. She can't be angry with us anymore."

"Oh, I think she can," I said, grabbing my own plate of food. "She'll probably be upset with you two for a long time. I mean, really. Both of you would cry if someone turned your hair blue, and don't try to deny it."

Sirius shrugged. "I guess—" He stopped short at the sound of several angry voices from across the Hall. A wide grin spread across his face and he looked excitedly over to James. "Oh, yes!" he exclaimed. "I told you they'd do it!"

"Mate, I'm sorry I doubted you!" James cried, jumping up to see the angry voices. Sirius jumped up too and, very reluctantly, I turned around. I didn't want to see what else they could have done, but curiosity got the better of me, especially when Peter looked around, dropped his fork, and started squealing with laughter.

On the other side of the Great Hall, all of the Slytherins were looking very angry. Most of them had stood and were holding their plates out as they shouted at the teacher's table. Several others were spitting out bites of food on the ground, and others still were crawling on the Slytherin table, hastily examining the platters of food. I wasn't sure why, until I actually focused on what they were showing the teachers. The carrots were mostly green, and the spinach was yellowing. A good section of the roast beef had apparently dissolved.

Each and every dish of food on the Slytherin table was rotten.

"Now how did you manage that?" I questioned, feeling oddly impressed.

"I've already told you," James explained. His mouth seemed to be etched in a permanent sort of grin. "The kitchen elves will cook up anything if you're nice to them. I was sure there would be rules against it, but no! They gave the Slytherins all the rotten leftovers from last week!"

I was glad I wasn't a Slytherin in that moment. One of the teachers vanished the rotting food from the table, and they all had to wait while another teacher went down to the kitchens to see what had gone wrong. It was at least fifteen minutes before the Slytherins had edible food in front of them.

Most of the Hall was laughing, so James and Sirius didn't look too suspicious when the teacher came back from the kitchens. Unfortunately, that teacher had been McGonagall, and all the inconspicuous laughter in the world couldn't save them from a house elf's testimony. Quite angry, she stepped over and grabbed each of them by the necks. "One of the elves in the kitchen has given me very accurate description of you, James Potter," McGonagall explained. "She said you were the one who asked them to send the Slytherins rotten food. And another elf had a vague description of your sidekick: 'A boy with longer hair,' he said, and I can only assume it was Mr. Black, here, considering you two are joined at the hip."

"They called Sirius the sidekick?" James wondered, laughing. "Brilliant!"

"I am no sidekick!" Sirius challenged, but he seemed happy about getting caught. "What do you say, then, mum? Ten points from Gryffindor, and a detention each? What do you think?"

McGonagall's mouth went very thin. "That sounds reasonable," she said carefully. "But why don't we make it two detentions, hm? And ten points _each_."

James opened his mouth to object, but Sirius jabbed him in the ribs. "Watch it," he warned, because Sirius didn't want to get in any more trouble. So far, this was the only prank they had gotten caught committing, and he didn't want McGonagall to ask any more questions.

"Yes, Professor," they consented together.

McGonagall was satisfied with their punishment and she walked away, shaking her head in annoyance. Sirius waited until she was out of earshot before he spoke up again. "I wonder if the elves told her we asked them to send the Slytherins _no food_ tomorrow. I notice she didn't mention it." He was grinning, despite the double detention.

"If they didn't, then you're just going to get in even more trouble tomorrow," I guessed. Both of them just stared at me, as if to wonder why getting in more trouble would be a hindrance. "I don't suppose the pranks are finished with, then?" I asked instead when they continued in their silence. "Or is there still more?"

At this, James grinned. "Remus, the day is only half over," he informed. "That means we still have half the day left for pranks. I was still hoping to get Evans. And maybe even Piper, if Sirius will let me."

"Oh, certainly," Sirius agreed. "Might as well learn if she's got a sense of humor now. I can't date a girl who can't laugh at herself."

"Good," James said, "because I would have done it without your permission anyway." They grinned at each other and almost started to explain what else they had planned for the day, but Allie strolled over to where we were sitting and and took a seat next to me. Her hair was no longer blue, but she still looked angry.

"I'm still shaving both your heads," she declared promptly, getting herself a plate of food.

"Allie, you know we only got you because we think of you as part of our group," Sirius said, grinning at her. "We knew you could handle it."

Allie glowered at them. "I don't care if I'm a part of your group, or if you're in love with me, or whyever else you did it," she complained. "Do you know what it's like to have blue hair? It's just awful! Daniella Conway called me a smurf!"

James stared at her blankly. "What's a smurf?" he questioned. "I'm going to assume it's something blue?" Sirius nodded, his expression just as lost.

Allie couldn't find the words to express her annoyance. Instead of answering them, she turned to me and pouted. "Remus, I hate them," she moaned. "Make them go away."

"I've tried," I said. "But it's impossible. They keep coming back. They're like an infestation."

"Would it help if I apologized, Allie?" Sirius said suddenly. James looked at him, surprised by his cohort's change of heart. "We really weren't trying to make you angry. It was meant to be funny, but if you didn't find it funny, then I should apologize. I am sorry."

James raised his eyebrows. "What, are we going to go around apologizing for all the pranks we've pulled?" he asked. "Are we going to say sorry to Snivellus? What's gotten into you, mate?"

"Nothing's gotten into me," Sirius argued, a funny look on his face. "And we would never apologize to Snivellus. That's ridiculous. But this is Allie. I think she deserves a bit more courtesy than sniveling Snape."

James looked at me, and I could tell he was wondering the same thing I was. What was Sirius trying to pull with this stint? Why was he apologizing to Allie? I noticed the odd way Sirius was looking at her, and I remembered the way he had been acting at the last Quidditch game.

Allie smiled. "Well, thank you Sirius," she said. "I wasn't really going to shave your head, but thank you for apologizing. Now I know that if I threaten your hair, you'll do what I want." Sirius laughed and kept his eyes on her. Allie didn't seem to notice, but I sure did. It was bothersome, and he only stopped staring at her when Piper came over. He quickly averted his eyes, almost as if he didn't want to get caught, and gladly made room for his girlfriend on the bench. His preoccupation with Allie seemed to have slipped his mind, which was fine by me.

After we were done eating, the bell rang to signal the start of afternoon classes. We all journeyed up to the History of Magic room, except for Sirius. He decided to take a detour and walk Piper to her class, so he ended up being late. Whether this was intentional or not, I cannot say; but, because he was late, he lucked into the very fortunate opportunity of being _behind_ Professor Binns in the middle of a lecture.

Binns didn't realize the late arrival, so Sirius crept behind him to the blackboard. There hadn't been anything written on it since Binns had died, and nobody knew how long ago that had been. Sirius grabbed a stick of chalk and waved it in the air for the rest of the class to see, holding a finger to his lips to keep the rest of us quiet. He then proceeded to draw an elaborate chalk image of the Goblin Riot Binns was droning about.

As the picture formed, a few people up front started giggling. Sirius took this as incentive to keep drawing, and the image grew progressively more inaccurate. Some of the goblins were flying on unicorns, and others were wielding ridiculous items like dungbombs and boomerangs instead of swords and shields. A few were playing what appeared to be a very violent game of Quidditch.

As more and more students realized what Sirius was doing, the class grew noisier with uncontrollable giggles. Binns barely glanced up to see what was so funny. He kept reading through his notes, giving Sirius plenty of time to complete the image. When he finally finished, Sirius reached up and wrote, 'Just try to erase it, Binns!' on the very top of the board and signed his name to the bottom. Those who weren't laughing before started cracking up and Sirius took a bow, which evoked even more laughter.

Finally Binns decided to glance around. A hush fell over the classroom and Sirius froze as Binns stared at the drawing. The teacher didn't move for a long moment as he decided what to do. He knew well enough there was no way, as a ghost, he could remove the image. He couldn't hold an eraser, and he no longer had access to his wand. "Very clever, Mr. Black," Binns drawled in an annoyed tone. "Please take your seat so I can continue with the lesson."

Sniggering, Sirius found his place next to James, which was right in front of me. They both started laughing, and I still can't decide whether they planned that one out or not.

The rest of the lesson, everyone was distracted by the ridiculous image on the blackboard behind Professor Binns. If possible, the class paid even less attention than usual, and I wasn't able to take accurate notes because of the number of times Binns had to stop his lecture and get the class under control.

I don't think I've ever seen a teacher look so relieved when the bell sounded. As the class shuffled out of the room, Binns turned to hover in front of Sirius' drawing, no doubt trying to figure out the best way to get rid of it. It just wasn't possible.

"I'm going to help him," Allie said deliberately before we reached the door. "Wait for me."

I knew that was code for 'help me erase Sirius' stupid drawing,' so I followed her up to the blackboard and grabbed a rubber. Binns gave us curious looks as we wiped the board clean and curled his lip when sat the rubbers back down. "Thank you for that," he muttered awkwardly, like he wasn't used to saying the words. Allie and I smiled, but Binns didn't have anything else to say to us. He floated wearily out of the room, and I almost felt sorry for the ghost.

James and Sirius were waiting for us when we exited the room. Peter was standing with them, still buzzing from Sirius' stunt. "You know, the point of something like that is to leave it up for everyone else to enjoy," James reprimanded. "Sirius worked hard on that drawing, and now the rest of Binns' classes won't get to see it."

"That was the point of erasing it," Allie shot back. I could tell she was getting sick of their 'Mayday of Fools.' I was too. "He has a hard enough time as it is keeping a class' attention, and he doesn't need you creating more distractions."

I distinctly heard James mutter something like "spoilsport" under his breath, but Sirius seemed to agree with Allie. He nodded and apologized for not erasing the image himself. James just glared at him, not sure what had overcome Sirius' usually callous temperament. I kept quiet and led the way to the Charms room, wishing that the day would end already.

When we got to class, Allie and I opted to sit on the other side of the room. She was still upset with James and Sirius, and I didn't want to be around them while they were brandishing a wand. They found a table to sit at with Peter, and they did their best to act offended that we didn't want to sit with them as they took their seats.

Nothing too exciting happened during the actual lesson. Flitwick lectured about Severing Charms for half an hour and then instructed us to practice the charm on some parchment. It was my obvious worry that James and Sirius would use this new charm for heinous purposes the instant they mastered it, but they had something else in mind for Charms class.

They decided they were finished severing their parchment about five minutes in, so they were able to spend the remaining fifty–five minutes of practice time enacting their plan. It was actually very simple. Every time Flitwick left the front of the room to wander amongst his students, checking everyone's progress, either Sirius or James would point their wand at his desk and scoot it over about three inches towards the door. It wasn't enough to be noticed whenever Flitwick turned back around, and they were able to carry on for about twenty minutes.

When the desk was about a meter off center, Flitwick realized what was happening. He stopped and tilted his head, staring at the desk with a perplexed look on his face. Quickly, Sirius and James resumed severing their parchment, looking anywhere but at the front of the room. It was fairly obvious they were guilty, though, and Flitwick marched over to their seats. "Boys, how are your Severing Charms fairing?" he wondered.

Sirius glanced at James, who wouldn't look up. "Fine," he said, trying not to smile.

"You know, boys," Flitwick continued. There was an amused smile spreading across his tiny features. "Locomotion charms are third year magic. I won't be upset if you have performed one. Quite effectively, I might add. Very discreet."

James and Sirius grinned at each other, well aware Flitwick knew they had done it. "We don't know what you're talking about, Professor," James insisted, still grinning.

"Very well," Flitwick muttered, walking away from them. He went back to his desk and magically placed it back where it belonged, no doubt wondering why they wouldn't own up to using advanced magic. I was wondering the same thing, as Flitwick usually rewards his students for learning new charms outside of class, even if the use of these charms disrupted class time.

Only a moment later, I figured it out. If they had told him, they wouldn't have been able to continue using the charm on everything else in the room. They moved a corner plant and stuck it in front of the door. They shuffled all of the books in the bookshelf, one by one, to the floor. They sent all of the severed paper flying off other students' desk. By the time the bell rang, the class was in complete disarray.

Looking very satisfied, James and Sirius gathered their things. It was decent of them to save their messiest prank for the last class of the day. It gave Flitwick time to put his classroom back together. I was worried Allie would make me stay and help Flitwick like we had done for Binns, but the impressed look on our Charms teacher's face told me he was perfectly content to clean up the mess on his own. "Ten points to Gryffindor!" he called, taking his wand out as we maneuvered around the plant by the door. "Deny it all you like, but that was very good charm work, boys!"

Charms had been our final lesson for the day, so we started up the stairs towards the common room. "I think that one went over the best," James commented idly. "The charm worked perfectly. We got caught—but no punishment. We got rewarded for it, even. Made up for the points McGonagall took away earlier."

"Please say that's the end of it?" Allie asked hopefully, and I nodded my agreement. Peter glanced at her, clearly of a different opinion. He had been enjoying the day of mayhem.

"Dunno," Sirius mused. "We've done enough, in my opinion. But James has more victims on his list. Evans, that ruddy Quidditch captain . . . And something simple for Piper." We reached the portrait, and he gave the password to the fat lady. "I'll help him if he insists, but I am getting a bit tired."

I had the distinct impression he only gave that answer because Allie had asked him the question. If I had asked, he probably would have said something like, "There is still so much time left in the day, Remus!" I shook my head, trying not to feel suspicious, but it seemed like he had been saying things specifically to stay on her good side all day.

In the common room, Allie and I found a table to start on homework. James, Sirius, and Peter lucked into the comfy chairs by the fireplace, where they all sat chatting about the success of their day. It didn't look like they were going to cause more trouble any time soon, but I was wrong. It was peaceful in the common room for all of ten minutes, until Lily sat down unassumingly across from James. She had grown complacent and didn't think they had planned anything else. I suppose she was right, in a way, because what they did next most certainly wasn't planned.

James had the sudden impulse to shoot a severing charm at her, aiming for her hair. The blue light hit the mark and a chunk of her red hair fell to the ground. The charm must have tickled, as she reached up to brush her neck, and then she screamed, realizing what had happened. She saw strands of the severed hair on her robes and bolted out of her seat, rounding on James and Sirius. "I can't believe you!" she shrieked. "First you colour Allie's hair blue, then you cut mine off! What next? Are you going to shave Brittany's head?"

Allie and I put down our quills to watch the scene. Sirius threw his hands up defensively, and Peter's eyes darted around the room, like he was trying to find an escape route. "That one was all James' idea, I swear!" Sirius tried. He was terrified and rightly so. Lily's lopsided hair only added to the effect of her fury. It made her look slightly crazed.

"Oh, of course it was Potter," she seethed, turning to James. She grabbed the strands of hair that had collected on her robes. "Is this your way of getting me to talk to you? Chopping my hair off? This just makes me angry!"

James cautiously raised his hand. "I feel like this needs to be said," he told, much more confident than I would have thought, given the situation. "It worked. You are talking to me. It's very angry and loud talking, but it's still talking."

Lily did not appreciate the comment. She promptly slapped him across the face and stormed out of the portrait hole. I could only assume she went to Madam Pomfrey to have her hair evened out. James grinned and watched after her, holding a fist out for Sirius to bump. Sirius complied but glanced over to Allie as he did so, almost as if to make sure she didn't see him do it. Allie did see, though, and just rolled her eyes before getting back to work.

That was the last prank I witnessed. After Lily returned with her hair regrown, she took Allie away from me to complain about her hair woes in private, and I went up to the dormitory to finish my homework by myself. When James, Sirius, and Peter joined me a while later, they claimed they didn't do anything else, but who knows what else they did without supervision.


	12. Chapter 12

**Entry # 29: Sunday May 7, 1972 – Nine Days After**

It's been sunny for the past week or so, and Allie wanted to take advantage of the good weather. We finished our homework yesterday, so we had all of today to relax in the sun. She took me out to her tree and, fortunately, no one else was sitting under it. I pulled out my book and sat in the shade near the lake while Allie climbed up into the branches, making sure she positioned herself above me.

"Let's see . . . I know you're not afraid of heights," she contemplated, dangling her feet just over my head. We had been outside for some time, enjoying the comfortable warmth of the sun and the slight breeze. "And I don't think you're afraid of trees. So why won't you climb up here with me, Remus? You've done it before."

I glanced up at her and smiled. "The last time I climbed the tree, you made me jump in the lake," I told her. "It was freezing, and I have no desire to do it again. Besides, how do you know I'm not afraid of heights?"

"I think you would have said so by now if you were," Allie shrugged. She started plucking leaves off her branch and letting them fall, aiming for my book. "But you _are_ afraid of the dark. I know that for sure."

"I'm afraid of the dark?" I wondered. "Since when?"

She paused to grab another handful of leaves, which she sprinkled on my head. "Whenever we're studying in the common room, you always stop to stare out the window when it starts to get dark. And then you get this look on your face, like you're afraid of what's out there . . . I guess I just assumed you were. Are you?"

I swallowed. That fear had nothing to do with the dark, but I couldn't tell her the truth. I wondered if I would ever be comfortable enough to show her the Willow—_my_ tree, essentially—and tell her what I'm actually afraid of. She was comfortable enough to take me to her tree nearly the moment we met, and I wish I could return the sentiment. I want to trust she won't scorn me if I tell her my secret, but there is no way of knowing for sure. I can't tell anyone. Not yet.

"You weren't supposed to figure that out," I said instead. "What kind of twelve year old is still afraid of the dark?"

"I'm afraid of the dark," she admitted ponderously. She had stopped dropping leaves down on me. "Well, it's not so much the dark, but the flickering lights that come before the dark. _That _really scares me. Not sure why."

"There's nothing wrong with that," I muttered automatically, refocusing on my book.

She dropped a bit of moss into my hair. "But you just said, 'what kind of twelve year old is still afraid of the dark?' So, obviously there is something wrong with it."

I glanced up at her again and sighed. "You know that's not what I meant, Allie," I tried as another bit of moss landed on my face. I shook it off. "I meant—"

"I know what you really meant," she interrupted, grinning broadly. Another bunch of moss fell, but it missed and landed next to me. "You meant that it's okay for me to be afraid because I'm a girl, and girls are afraid of things. You think boys aren't allowed to be afraid of things. I know what you're like, Remus. Very sexist."

"You're ridiculous," I smiled.

She kept grinning and dropped a leaf on my face. "Thank you," she said. Allie maneuvered to another branch, one that was out over the water. "Anyway, I'm jumping in the lake."

"Allie, don't," I said futilely, knowing she wouldn't listen. "You'll just catch cold. It's still not warm enough to go swimming." As I had expected, my comment didn't stop her. Before I could say anything else, she leapt from the branch and plunged feet first into the cold water below. I sighed as a splash of water landed on my book, and I looked over, waiting for her to surface and tell me I had been right.

When her head popped back up, she was laughing. "It's still freezing!" she cried, instantly swimming to the shore. I sat my book aside and helped her to the grass as she clambered out of the water. She shook her hair vigorously, flinging water all over my face.

"I told you so," I mocked, wiping my face with my sleeve, but I pulled my robe over my head to replace her wet one. She took it gratefully and sprawled out in the sun to dry off.

I found my book again and sat myself down next to her in the grass. Her eyes had been closed, but Allie squinted through the sunlight to see me. She smiled, not saying anything. I smiled back, liking the way she looked in my too big for her robes, with slightly blue lips and red cheeks from the water. I couldn't think of anything to say either.

I'm not sure what I was going to do with my hand as I reached it out to her, but I quickly pulled it back when I heard someone coming up behind us. I looked around and Allie opened her eyes all the way to see who it was.

It was a boy from our Transfiguration class, a Ravenclaw. I didn't remember his name. Allie sat upright and, from the smile on her face, she knew the boy better than I did. "Hey Luke," she greeted, a little too happily for my liking. "What are you up to?"

"Er," he said. Luke seemed nervous and he shot an apprehensive glance in my direction. I raised my eyebrows, wondering what he wanted. "I—I was l–looking for you, Allie."

"Oh, did you still need help with that Transfiguration essay?" she wondered. "You asked about it last Friday, but I completely forgot. I'm sorry."

Luke shook his head, looking like he was going to throw up. I had a sinking suspicion I knew what this was about, and I fought the urge to pull her away from him. "No, that's fine, Allie," Luke said. "Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something else."

"All right," Allie said. "What is it?" She glanced at me warily, and Luke looked at me like he wanted me to disappear.

"It's—I don't—really . . . know," he stammered, and once he'd started talking, the words kept flowing, almost beyond his control. I could tell he hadn't planned on saying all of the things he ended up saying. At least not as suddenly. "I like you," Luke blurted. "I like you a lot. I still want you to help me with the essay because—you know—that would mean spending time with you—and I really want to spend time with you. Unless this is a bad time—I didn't know you were out here with Remus. By 'with him' I meant spending time with him. Unless you are really 'with him' as in dating him, in which case this is really embarrassing."

I didn't dare look over to Allie, but I could see the surprise on her face out of the corner of my eye. "Luke, I'm sorry but . . . I only offered to help you with an essay," Allie insisted, sounding rather shaken. "Nothing . . . nothing more than that. If I gave you any mixed signals . . . I didn't mean to. We hardly know each other! It's just an essay."

There was a very long silence in which none of us moved. "Okay," was all Luke managed to say before he ran off. Allie sat very still, staring after him with a frown. It was all I could do to keep from laughing.

"What are you grinning about?" she complained, seeing the smile on my face.

"You turned him down," I said without thinking.

Allie just looked at me. "And that makes you smile?" she asked, and only then did I realize how my comment had sounded. "Because I turned him down?"

I'd meant it exactly as it had sounded, but I didn't want her thinking that. I shook my head. "You were very blunt," I said, thinking quickly. "I would have thought you'd be nicer about your rejections."

"I know!" She flopped unhappily back on the ground, hitting her head harder than she had intended. She rubbed it painfully, squeezing her eyes shut. "The first and only conversation I've had with him was on Friday when you were gone," Allie told me. "I really don't know him at all. I feel bad, but I didn't want to give him false hope. You know?"

The grin wouldn't leave my face. I couldn't help it; no matter why she had turned Luke down, she had still said 'no.' "Come now, Allie," I said, nudging her arm. "You could have had a perfectly unmeaningful relationship with Luke. Just like you tried to get me to have with Kate."

Allie groaned. "I'm sorry about that," she said. "That must have been annoying. I never really wanted you to be with Kate, just so you know. I was only trying to figure out if you liked anybody or not. And you don't, so that was a waste of time."

"Wait," I blurted. "What?"

"Now I'm just upset," she went on moodily, like I hadn't said anything. I didn't know if she hadn't heard me or was ignoring the question. "Stupid Luke. He had to come over and ruin our nice afternoon, didn't he?" Allie got to her feet and hoisted herself back up into her tree, and I knew she wouldn't be coming back down any time soon.

She wanted to be left alone, so I moved back under the tree and quietly continued reading my book. Only when the familiar mess of leaves and moss started to fall on my head ten minutes later did I know it was safe to glance up. "Finally ready to go back inside?" I asked. Clouds were starting to block out the sun, and I didn't want to be caught outside if it started raining, especially when Allie was still wearing her wet clothes.

"Yeah," she mumbled, jumping out of the tree. I made sure to grab her wet school robe and we started back towards the castle. We reached the castle doors and, suddenly, Allie's fingers were laced through mine. "Thanks for waiting, Remus."

I made a sort of gargling noise in response, not able to think properly. _Keep walking_, I told myself. It was the only thing I was sure I was supposed to do while holding her hand. Everything else around me was a blur, just a vague concept that other things were happening beyond our joined hands.

Somehow we made it to the common room, though I don't remember the walk, or whether I gave the password at the portrait hole. Allie let go of my hand and went to the girls' dormitories, wanting to change out of her wet clothes. Confused, I sat down by the fire, still trying to figure out what exactly happened down by the lake.

Never failing to come in on an awkward moment, Sirius slid in next to me on the couch. I wasn't sure where James or Peter were, but Sirius was alone. "I just broke up with Piper," he announced, and he almost sounded proud. "I am now single once again."

"I'm sorry," I replied blurrily. It seemed like the appropriate thing to say, but I wasn't sure. It's hard to tell with Sirius.

He shrugged. "It was bound to happen sooner or later," he resigned, seeming to not notice how little I was paying attention. "Not that big of a deal. Though, that _is_ all I've been doing today. Breaking up with a girl takes way too much time. James and Peter gave up waiting hours ago and went to study without me. They're probably in the library."

"That's nice." This time, I knew my response wasn't even close to the right thing to say, but I was still too confused to care.

"And because I'm single, I was finally able to snog Professor McGonagall," Sirius went on tepidly, realizing I wasn't paying attention. "I thought she would reject me, because it's obvious she's in love with Dumbledore, but I was highly mistaken. My Transfiguration grade should be set for at least the next year, if you know what I mean."

"Good for you," I replied.

Sirius grunted. He doesn't like being ignored. "Okay, what is the matter with you?" he asked. "You're not even giving me a lecture about another failed three week relationship. That was the whole reason I told you. What's wrong?"

I understood enough of what he said to realize he was asking me a question. I thought hard about it and sighed. "Luke from Ravenclaw told Allie he has a crush on her," I explained slowly. "She turned him down. Then she held my hand when we walked back up to the castle."

"Bugger," he tried. He was quiet for a moment, taking in what I had said. "Well, Remus, if you really like her, you need to do something about it. She might not say 'no' to the next someone who asks her out. Then you'd really be out of luck."

"Who says I like her that way?" I said. I'm still not sure why I'm so adamantly denying what everyone else already seems to have figured out.

Sirius held up his hands to say he didn't want to argue. "Nobody," he said, giving me a strange look. He hid an unsettling smile behind his eyes. "But, um—just so we're clear—you _don't_ like her? And you won't be upset if anyone else happens to ask her out?"

I wasn't sure what he was playing at. "Of course not," I mumbled, not convincingly.

"If you say so." Sirius raised his eyebrows in disbelief and got up off the couch. "You just brood on that for a while and get back to me. I'm going to find James."

Uncomfortable, I watched him wander out of the portrait hole. He had made an excellent point, but I didn't want to think about it. One other boy with feelings for Allie was enough to deal with. It was too much to think about the other boys in the school that might like her too.

**MAY 14, 1972**

I HATE HIM! HE MEANT HIMSELF!


	13. Chapter 13

******A few words from Aquira:** **Readers, I'm feeling slightly discouraged. I see that I've been getting several 'hits' to the story, but no reviews lately. I used to get at least two a chapter... Now I'm thinking about shortening this whole project and finishing this thing in a couple more postings. If, however, I start getting reviews again, I'll post the whole story in all it's splendor! This isn't a threat, or a ploy to get more reviews, or anything else. It's merely an announcement. I don't want to keep putting time into a project that isn't worthwhile. So, if the review trend continues, I shall post the remaining documents I have prepared and condense the rest of it into just a few more chapters. Thanks to all who have been reading, and I hope you enjoy the rest of the story!******

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><p><strong>Entry #30: Monday May 15, 1972 – Thirteen Days Before<strong>

I think I have finally calmed down enough to elaborate on the previous entry. I'll admit I wrote those sentences a bit rashly, but it was such a frustrating experience that I needed to express my annoyance in some manner. I think I am in a much more rational state, and believe I can clearly explain what happened. I don't _hate_ him anymore. The unpleasant feelings from last night have fizzled out into mere contempt.

Yesterday was Sirius' birthday, something he reminded us of the instant we woke up. Or, rather, the instant _he_ woke up. Once Sirius was awake, he magically flung all of our bed curtains wide and shouted, "I am officially twelve years old!" He had only meant to wake James, Peter, and me, but I could hear everyone else groaning their displeasure at the noise he was making.

"But I was sleeping," James grumbled, fumbling around on his nightstand for his glasses.

"You can sleep all you want later," Sirius instructed. "But my birthday only comes around once a year. It is very important that it be celebrated in fashion. I trust that my three best friends in the whole wide world have planned something? Because I want a party. I've given both of you parties so far, and I expect one in return."

James rolled clumsily out of bed. "Keep your shirt on," he said, ruffling up his hair. James doesn't comb his hair in the mornings so much as he runs his hands through it in an attempt to make it even messier. "Of course we've planned something. S'only fair."

I glanced over at him; I wasn't aware of any party plans. I genuinely hoped James had planned something without conferring with me, because Sirius would be sorely disappointed if we didn't make a scene for him. James gave a slight nod to assure me that he had it taken care of, and I trusted him. "Would you really call what you did on my birthday a party?" I wondered to change the subject. "You blew up my cake and spent the rest of the night cleaning up chocolate. I don't think it was really much of a party."

"You said you had fun," Sirius reminded me with earnest. "I know the rest of us had fun, even if we had to clean up the common room afterward."

I sighed. "I suppose I did," I said, but I didn't clarify. It hadn't been fun when I was led unnecessarily around the castle with a blindfold, nor when the cake exploded, but I had thoroughly enjoyed the hour alone in the dormitory with Allie. The guys didn't need to know that, though.

"Well, the best parties make the biggest messes," Sirius reasoned. "We should go down to breakfast." James and Peter took his suggestion as a requirement and quickly got dressed. I threw on my clothes and followed the three of them out of the dorm. On Sirius' birthday, anything he suggests is sure to be a requirement.

When we got further down the stairs, I strayed a few steps back, and James took the hint. He slowed to my pace and raised his eyebrows in silent question. "You really have something planned already?" I had to know.

"Of course I do," he said simply. "Had it planned for months, ever since I found the shed where they store the Quidditch equipment. I'm actually going to need your help with it—just to be sure I've got an extra hand or two."

"All right," I nodded. "What exactly are we doing?"

He flipped his hand dismissively, trying to wrap up the conversation. We were getting close to the Great Hall. "You'll see," James said. "Just meet me in the dorm around two this afternoon. Sirius told me he's got something to do around then, so he shouldn't walk in on us. But try to keep it quiet. You know how Sirius is about getting people to talk."

I nodded as we all sat down for breakfast. Sirius had plenty of everything piled on his plate, which created a mess when a large eagle owl came soaring in with the owl post and dropped a thick envelope into his eggs. Ignoring the splatter, Sirius took one look at the owl, then at the letter, and scowled nastily. "From home," he informed us as he stuffed the letter under his plate to forget about it. "Funny. I was expecting a Howler." Sirius focused back on his food, moodily stabbing at his eggs until the yolks bled. The very presence of the letter seemed to offend him.

Allie joined us not too long after. "Happy birthday, Sirius!" she greeted, sitting down next to me. "You and I are still practicing Charms this afternoon, right?"

Sirius glanced up from his mutilated breakfast and smiled at her. For whatever reason Allie seemed to have brightened his mood. "Yessir!" he said happily. "Or—ma'am. I will see you at two o'clock in the common room. Thanks again for agreeing to help me."

"No problem," she replied. Then the two of them started discussing which charms they would be practicing later and, from the sound of it, Sirius needed an awful lot of help. I glanced at James, who was looking back at me, just as confused. The last time I checked, Sirius was doing splendidly in Charms and hadn't needed a speck of extra practice all year. James shrugged and got back to his oatmeal. I resigned to ask Sirius about it later.

When everyone finished breakfast, I had to debate heavily whether to follow Allie or go with Sirius. In the end, I went with Sirius, mainly because it was his birthday, but partly because Allie was going to see Rachel, and partly because I needed to ask Sirius why on earth he was getting help with Charms.

The four of us went out the large double doors to wander around the grounds. It was a very sunny day without a cloud in the sky, a perfect day for a birthday, according to Sirius.

"So, Allie's finally giving you the time of day?" James wondered. He gave me a slight nod, knowing I had wanted to ask the same question. My stomach squirmed with anticipation for the answer, but I kept my eyes down. If he was only spending time with Allie to annoy me (which I wouldn't put past him), I didn't want him to see he had gotten to me.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah," he said. "I've been trying this new thing where I'm nice to her. It is amazing the difference it's made. She never would have helped me today if I hadn't been agreeing with everything she's said for, like, the past month."

"Are you saying you've only been nice to her so she'll help you with Charms?" I asked.

"Of course not," Sirius confessed. "I don't even need help with Charms. But I do need a new girlfriend, and I want it to be her. I had to get Allie talking to me before that was an option, so this has been a very long process."

I wanted to rush forward and hit him, but I forced myself to keep walking. "So this Charms practice bit is just a ploy?" I heard James ask. He seemed to be reading my mind and asking all of the questions my mouth wouldn't form.

"We'll see," Sirius said. "I'm not really planning on trying anything this afternoon, but who knows what will happen." We had reached the lake, where Sirius plopped himself down on the shore to chuck rocks in the water. Peter sat down next to him, but I was reluctant to do so. James stood awkwardly with his hands in his pockets, and I could tell he wanted to sneak away.

"I really have to go," James mouthed so only I could see. "For him. Go along with it." He gestured at Sirius, and I understood he needed to get things ready for his birthday plan. I had no choice, no matter how much I wanted to smack Sirius across the face, so I nodded and forced myself to the ground, giving James the okay to go.

"Oh, I completely forgot!"James exclaimed suddenly. "I was supposed to return my library book yesterday! It's on a waiting list. Madam Pince won't let me check out any more books if I don't give this one back."

Sirius paused with a rock in his hand. "You're worried about a library book, James?" he asked condescendingly. James shrugged. "All right, then. Go return your book. But hurry back. It is my birthday, after all."

"I'll hurry," James said, sounding suspicious. He slowly backed away before pretending to rush towards the castle. As he neared the doors, he glanced back to make sure Sirius wasn't watching, and discreetly changed course towards the Quidditch pitch.

I did my duty and stayed sitting next to Sirius. He had changed the subject and wasn't talking about Allie anymore, but I still wanted to hit him. What was he playing at? Just because Allie was willing to help him out with his phony Charms practice didn't mean she was willing to date him. She was surely just being nice. That's what I've had to tell _myself _all year, and I didn't want him to have the chance to prove me wrong.

I wanted to say something, to tell Sirius that Allie wasn't interested. Instead I sat very quietly and listened to Sirius recount tales of every time his parents had ruined a birthday, which seemed to have happened a lot. Right in the middle of a particularly long tale of his tenth birthday, Sirius paused, suddenly realizing James hadn't yet rejoined us. "Where the bloody hell is James?" he demanded impatiently. "It shouldn't take an hour to return a library book."

"Maybe Madam Pince got mad at him for turning it in late," Peter offered. "Maybe he has to alphabetize the entire library." In the back of my mind, I wondered if James had told Pete to play along as well. That had been fairly well thought out reasoning on his part.

Sirius looked to me for my opinion on James' whereabouts, and I swallowed my pride, finally having to speak after not saying a word the entire time we'd been outside. "We could look for him if you want, mate," I suggested. "He might still be in the library." From what I knew of James' plan, he was more than likely down by the Quidditch pitch or up in our dorm room. The library was far enough away from either of those places, and I could easily distract Sirius in the library.

Sirius frowned at the thought of having to get back up, but he stood and led the way to the castle. He started complaining about James getting in trouble from a librarian on his birthday as we wandered through the halls. I kept trying to convince myself to forget my anger towards Sirius, but my mind kept jumping forward to his Charms practice with Allie later that afternoon. It was a silly thing to be upset over, but I couldn't help it. Allie was supposed to find him annoying, and Sirius was supposed to stay flabbergasted by my ability to talk to her. He wasn't supposed to figure out niceness, and she wasn't supposed to fall for his ridiculous act.

I followed him silently into the library, where we searched high and low for James, perusing through the numerous aisles of books. Madam Pince even wondered if we needed any help. Sirius asked her if she had seen James, and she promptly told us she hadn't. She seemed insulted to know we hadn't come to the library for a book.

I realized Sirius would want to leave if James wasn't there, so I held up a finger. "Madam Pince," I asked before she could walk away. The birdy librarian turned to me with her nose in the air, giving me permission to speak. I think she recognized me from all of the study sessions I'd had with Allie, and there was almost a smile on her face. "I've been trying to work on a Herbology essay, and I was wondering if you could recommend any books on underwater plants?"

"Of course I can," she replied, like I had challenged her. "Please follow me."

I obliged, and Sirius jogged to catch up. "What are you doing?" he questioned directly in my ear. "I thought we were finding James. Not doing homework."

I shrugged. "I thought, while we're here, I might as well get the books I need," I told him coolly. He groaned, but gestured for Peter to follow.

Madam Pince pointed me towards a small section of books in a corner and gave a lengthy speech about which authors would best suit my needs. She laid out several supposedly helpful titles before giving Sirius a hateful glare and leaving us alone. I curiously glanced over the books, taking plenty of time even though Sirius was fidgeting impatiently and Peter was looking around the library as if he were afraid Madam Pince would come back.

"You said this wouldn't be long," Sirius complained. We had been there twenty minutes.

I didn't look up from the book I was paging through. "I never said that," I told him. It was impressive he had managed to last so long without saying anything. "All I said was I needed to get some books. I never said how long it would take."

He groaned loudly and noticeably, so others in the library started staring at us. I ignored him, so he groaned again, right in my face. "I don't want to be doing this on my birthday," he said slowly. "I want to go find James."

Snapping my book shut, I turned to him. "Then go find James," I challenged. "I mean, if he's not in the library where he said he'd be, he's obviously . . . well, anywhere else in the school besides the library. You'd better get started."

Peter motioned towards the door, thinking Sirius was going, but Sirius stayed where he was. "Where do you think James went to, Remus?" he wondered. There was accusation in is tone.

"What makes you think I know?" I replied, casually opening up another book and flipping through the pages.

Sirius sighed. "I saw the two of you talking," he explained. "When we were going down to the Great Hall. And then again before he snuck off to wherever he is now. I know you know. Is it for my birthday?"

I only thought about it for a second before answering honestly. "Yes."

He grinned. "Well, that's all right then," Sirius said, suddenly taking a seat at a nearby table. He picked up a random book someone had abandoned and absently started reading. Now knowing what James was doing, he no longer had any interest in finding him. I rolled my eyes. If I had known that was all it took to shut him up, I would have told Sirius the truth a lot sooner.

We stayed in the library for at least an hour, during which I finished the Herbology essay, and Sirius managed to find every single book that contained a picture of a naked lady. They were all magical medicine books or books about art, and he made sure Pete laughed at each nude image before returning the books to their shelves. I shook my head but didn't bother criticizing him. It was his birthday, and I could at least let him enjoy himself if I was going to keep him hostage.

Sirius started complaining again after a while, so I put away my books and we went to grab lunch. That was where we found James. He had been waiting for us in the Great Hall and he was grinning terribly. "Hello, mates," he greeted, giving me a meaningful look as I sat down across the table. I could assume that whatever we were doing later was now fully prepared.

When Sirius sat down, he started in on a rant about having to sit in the library on his birthday, and James didn't even pretend to care. He just shook his head and assured Sirius that there would be fun later. I sat and listened quietly, half wanting to ditch them and find Allie. I desperately wanted to ask her why she agreed to help Sirius with Charms. Surely it hadn't been for the same reasons that Sirius had asked her.

I spotted her when she finally entered the Hall a while later and waved. She waved back and I smiled, but my smile fell when, with a stab, I realized Sirius had waved to her first. Allie came over and fortunately sat next to me, though it did little to settle the annoyance building in my stomach. I kept my eyes averted and tried to listen as she started speaking with Sirius, but I barely heard a word of what they said to each other. I was too far gone in my own thoughts; too busy thinking terrible things and shooting dark looks at Sirius while he wasn't looking.

Allie didn't stay long. Apparently, saying something to Sirius was all she had come over to do. She got up from the bench and walked away, at least brushing my shoulder with her hand to acknowledge my presence if she didn't have anything to say to me. I should have gone after her and asked her what was going on, but my legs wouldn't work. I was too frustrated.

"So, shall we venture back outside?" Sirius proclaimed after she had gone.

I glanced at my watch. "Don't you have to meet Allie in twenty minutes?" I wondered. It was getting rather close to two o'clock.

"Weren't you paying attention, Remus?" Sirius questioned. "She just said she's got to see Professor McGonagall. Probably about an essay or something. We've rescheduled for three. I thought you were listening."

"Right," I said, and then I mumbled an incoherent excuse for my hearing, which the guys seemed to accept. Good for them, because I certainly don't know what I told them.

We all wandered outside again and found the beech tree we had sat under earlier that morning. James kept giving me funny looks, like he knew the mutinous thoughts going on inside my head. Sirius, on the other hand, was blissfully unaware of my annoyance, and Peter couldn't be bothered either way.

Sirius blathered aimlessly about what he wished he could have done for his twelfth birthday and James dutifully agreed to each and every one of these ideas. Peter suggested ways we could go about fulfilling these desires, but I got out my pent up aggravation by explaining exactly why each of the ideas Sirius gave were silly, irresponsible, and impossible. I was called a spoilsport several times, but that was better than letting the conversation drift towards what Sirius would later be doing with Allie. I felt quite sure I wouldn't be able to keep my thoughts to myself if we started talking about the backstabbing plans he had made with her.

Eventually, it drew closer to three o'clock, at which point Sirius excused himself from our group and ventured back towards the castle. James and Peter watched him go before turning their accusatory eyes on me, like I had done something wrong by being angry with Sirius. "He's just trying to have a little fun on his birthday," James rationalized, trying to speak reasonably with me. Pete nodded his conformity.

I didn't want to respond, but they kept staring at me. "Why are you telling me?" I mumbled. I didn't sound very convincing. "It's not like I was complaining about it. I didn't even say anything." They still stared, but didn't seem keen to argue. I shuffled uncomfortably on the grass, not wanting them to say anything else. "Can we just go up to the dorm and get this birthday thing over with?"

"Whatever," James relented, standing up. Peter and I followed suit. "Just don't start complaining if he asks her out."

"Again, I don't know why you're telling me," I repeated defensively. "It's his business if he asks her out. Why would I complain?"

James coughed in response, but didn't say anything else as he led the way to the front doors. The lying left a bitter feeling in my stomach and I wanted to be honest, but I couldn't bring myself to tell the truth. I couldn't admit it. Not even the prospect of Sirius dating her could scare me into confessing my feelings for Allie.

"I think you like her," Peter said quietly as we followed James, looking slightly hopeful. "I think James thinks so, too. That's why he said those things . . . Do you?"

Slowly, staring at my feet, not aware of my actions, I felt myself nodding. "I think I do," I muttered under my breath. It felt strange to say it out loud, especially when I hadn't wanted to say anything. I glanced at Peter. "But . . . that's not the point—I like having her as my friend, and I don't want to change that. So, don't say anything."

While Peter stared at me with wide eyes, James kept walking like he hadn't heard our conversation. James was either very hard of hearing, or he was very good at pretending. Peter eventually managed to get over his shock, and focused his attention forward. "If you say so, Remus," Peter said nonconfrontationally.

"I won't say anything, either, Remus," James mumbled as we walked through the entrance hall. I groaned miserably, wishing he hadn't heard me, wishing I hadn't said anything at all.

None of us spoke again until we reached Gryffindor tower. We walked up the stairs in relative silence, only breaking the quiet to give the password so we could climb through the portrait hole. I knew what I'd see when we stepped inside, so I held my breath. As I had expected, Sirius and Allie were at a table with their wands out, looking happy as they practiced charms. James and Peter had enough sense to rush past them to the boys' dormitory, where I could finally breathe easily again. "So, what exactly are we doing, James?" I asked hurriedly, not wanting to give either of them a chance to ask me any questions.

"Very good question, Remus," James replied. He had obviously been about to say something else, but he allowed me to distract him. "I have stolen a case of snitches. They will be the main focus of this prank. It takes a bit of wand work, but this will be worth it when Sirius gets into bed tonight, I promise."

"He won't know we've done this until bedtime?" Peter wondered. "What are we supposed to tell him when he asks about his birthday party?"

James shrugged, bending over and rummaging around under his bed. "Just tell him we didn't really plan anything," he said, sounding muffled. He emerged, dragging a small crate out with him. There was a happy smile on his face, and his hair was, if possible, messier than before. "And these are the snitches!"

"Where did you get a case of snitches?" I stared at the box, skeptical.

"The school's shed," he explained. James held the box delicately, running his hands over the rough wood with admiration. "I was wandering around the Quidditch pitch a long time ago when I found it. It's where the school keeps all the Quidditch supplies, like the balls and extra brooms."

"But why were you able to get a whole case of snitches?" Peter asked. "Don't they use only one during games?"

"That's what I thought, but I did some research," he explained, opening the case. I could see a dozen little golden balls with their wings folded neatly around them fit tightly into the box, but I knew that was just the top layer. James fingered them carefully, as if deciding which one to use first. "They have to use a new snitch for every game. A Flesh Memory Charm is put on each one, to see who caught it first. Because of that spell, they can't ever use the same snitch twice. So the school has to keep reordering them. The shed had, like, ten cases of these, and I thought they wouldn't mind if I borrowed a case for such a brilliant prank."

"Should you be touching them, then?" I wondered, getting a vague idea of what he was planning to do. "If they've got a Flesh Memory Charm on them, then it'll be easy for a teacher to identify you as the thief."

James gave a bark of laughter. "You must've been misled by the word 'borrowed,'" he said. "I'm not giving the snitches back. Thought I'd keep them, you know, for my own personal Quidditch collection. But that's not important. Let's get down to business." He then proceeded to explain that all snitches are created with a boundary charm already in place. Snitches never go to the same Quidditch pitch, so it has to be easy for the buyer to change the specified boundary of each snitch. All that's required is a simple incantation, and James had done a lot of research to find that incantation.

With this knowledge, James had developed a very straightforward plan. To demonstrate, so Peter and I could help, James took one snitch carefully in his hand, held his wand in the other, and touched the tip of his wand to the snitch. "Finis four–poster!" he cried, and then released the snitch over Sirius' mattress. It hovered momentarily before realizing its freedom and speeding away. Then, unexpectedly, it stopped right at the footboard, as if some shield was keeping it within the limits of the bed.

James beamed with pride, seeing the success of his work. "Brilliant," he muttered before grabbing another snitch and repeating the incantation. James gestured to the case, and Peter hastened to copy the spell. I grabbed a snitch and tried the spell too, and I felt a perk of delight when it stayed where it was supposed to.

Peter's first attempt didn't work properly, and the snitch soared straight away from the bed to fly around the dorm. Almost reflexively, James sprang up to run after it, jumping across chairs, and hurtling over wardrobes to recapture the freed snitch. By the time he finally returned with the snitch victoriously clutched in his hand, I had managed to charm half the box. Grinning, James added the struggling snitch to the others clustered in the space over Sirius' bed and helped me finish off the case. In the end, we had thirty–six golden blurs zooming around the four–poster, trapped and trying desperately to find more space.

"This is great," James breathed excitedly. He quickly shut all the curtains around Sirius' bed so the snitches were no longer visible. The only sign of them was the faint hum of wings.

"Now, nobody say anything to Sirius," James went on in a cautioning tone. "Lie to his face if you have to, but make sure he thinks we forgot. Tell him . . . Tell him we thought he'd be too busy with Allie to want a party! Yes! That's perfect."

I wasn't necessarily keen on giving Sirius that excuse, but I figured if James managed to say it, I wouldn't have to. "Do we have anything else planned?" Peter asked.

"No," James replied flippantly. "This is plenty. Think about it. If Sirius doesn't catch all of these snitches, he won't be able to go to sleep. They'll all be buzzing around his head. And I don't know if you've noticed, but Sirius isn't entirely coordinated. He'll be up all night trying to catch them; else he will succumb to groveling and have to ask me for help. But, enough about this. We should go outside again."

I didn't want to go back downstairs. It would just make me angry, so I told them to go ahead without me. They shrugged and left me alone, and I'm sure they knew the reason I wasn't going with them. I sighed. Why did I have to be so antisocial? For a moment, I wrestled with the idea of going after them, but then I settled on my bed to work on homework, listening to the steady flutter of wings coming from Sirius' bed next to me.

About two hours later, I was finished with all of my remaining homework. I had done most of it the day before with Allie and, as a result, I wouldn't have to worry about homework for at least a week. The sudden memory of being with her jostled the anger in my stomach, making me hesitant to go downstairs. Doing so would mean seeing Allie and Sirius, but I wasn't going to let myself wallow in misfortune. I was hungry and it was nearing suppertime; it would have been ridiculous of me to starve myself merely to avoid a bit of unpleasantness.

My timing was either perfect or very unfortunate; I still haven't decided which. Right as I convinced myself to go down to the common room, Sirius stumbled into the dorm, managing to smack me in the face with the door, and tossed his bag on his bed. "All right, Remus?" he greeted, a little too happily. He didn't wait for me to answer before hurrying back downstairs. I definitely wasn't imagining the self–satisfied smile on his face, and I told myself to ignore it (with little success).

I swallowed my pride and followed him out the door, making sure he didn't realize I was behind him. I lingered for a moment at the top of the stairs while he stepped over to Allie. Sirius reached out his hand with impressive casualness, but hastily pulled it back when she didn't take it, trying to pass it off as an awkward stretch. Allie politely didn't notice the gesture and the two of them walked out the portrait hole together.

I kept a respectable distance behind them as I followed. The corridor outside the common room was virtually empty and I was able to hear every word they said to each other, so long as I remained silent and didn't stray too far behind. At first the conversation was simple banter, both of them joking about all the mistakes they had made during the Charms practice. But then, quite suddenly, Sirius' tone changed.

"Listen, Allie . . ." he began, slowing his stride. I thought he was very good at pretending to be nervous. "There's something I really want to talk to you about."

Allie didn't miss a beat. She kept walking at her normal pace, which forced Sirius to catch back up. "Yeah, I kind of thought there would be," she said sheepishly. "But can we just pretend that there isn't? It would be a lot easier."

Sirius paused for a moment, surprised, but then he kept walking. I sighed in relief; if they stopped moving to have this conversation, it would become obvious I was eavesdropping. "Well, you could at least hear what I was going to ask you," Sirius tried.

Her eyes were pointedly focused somewhere down the hall, like she was determined not to look at him. "I don't think so," Allie assured. Sirius opened his mouth to say something else, possibly to protest, but she held up a hand and stared him straight in the eye. "Do you really want me to turn you down on your birthday?"

"Oh," Sirius realized.

Allie nodded, then looked the other way.

"Do you mind telling me why not?" he wondered. For whatever reason, her rejection didn't seem to have affected the mood of their conversation at all. Both of them were still strolling down the corridor, as if they were having a simple conversation about Quidditch.

"You broke up with Piper just a week ago," she told. They were taking a very roundabout way to the Great Hall, but I didn't dare try to find a shortcut. I wanted to hear the rest of her explanation. "As flattering as it would be if you only broke up with her to go out with me, it just doesn't seem right."

He nodded his understanding, as if he had expected much worse. "And—er—that's your only reason?" Sirius went on. "It doesn't have anything to do with Remus?"

I was so surprised to hear my own name come up in this conversation that I halted. I held my breath and it took me a moment to realize I had fallen out of earshot. It would mean drawing attention to myself if I rushed forward to try and hear them, so I stayed put and watched them wander down the hall. Allie seemed to be laughing while she gave her response, and I knew I would never find out what she said to him.

My stomach felt like it had been filled with rocks, weighing me down so I couldn't move. I knew it would be odd if I stood there in the hallway until after dinner, so I swallowed hard and went down to the Great Hall.

As I walked, trying to find a different shortcut so I wouldn't bump into Sirius and Allie, I slowly started to recall the conversation I'd had with Sirius the previous week, where he had told me about his breakup with Piper. I had been distracted, and didn't really pay attention to what he was telling me, but he had asked me something . . . something that, at the time, I had pretended didn't upset me. It had been about Allie; Allie and other guys . . .

He had not been asking to _help_ me. He had only meant to clear the way for himself.

This realization, of course, was when I decided against dinner. The anger building in my stomach was too much, and I probably would have attacked him the instant I had him in my sights. There was a tiny rational part of my brain still working, which was all the sense I needed to turn around and hide in the dormitory until everyone else finished eating.

It seemed to take hours for James, Sirius, and Peter to come back up to the dorm. I was fuming, so I feigned sleep, not wanting to talk to any of them. Then, finally, my annoyance was satisfied when I heard angry shouts coming from Sirius' bed. He had discovered the dozens of snitches trapped in his four–poster. I stayed up half the night, listening with an obnoxious glee as he tried and tried in vain to catch the flying pests. James had refused to help him, which only made me happier.

This morning, though, when Sirius woke up with several snitches still buzzing around his head, he laughed about it. It bothered me that he seemed to have enjoyed the prank, so I went down to breakfast early so I could avoid all of them again.

My anger didn't last long after this point. I found Allie down in the Great Hall and didn't hesitate to ask her about the previous afternoon. Tactlessly, I didn't start with how the practice had gone, or even if she had enjoyed herself. I got right to the point, not wanting to waste time. "Why did you help Sirius with Charms?" It wasn't supposed to be a demand, but it felt like one.

"Well, that's a fantastic way to greet someone," she said simply, seeming unfazed by my rudeness. "Let me help you: Good morning Remus. How did you sleep?"

"Sorry," I said hastily, but I didn't answer her greeting. "I just need to know why you helped him, because Sirius doesn't need help with Charms. If anything, Sirius is ahead in Charms. There had to have been another reason he wanted your help."

Allie put down her fork to frown at me. I wondered if she would ever tell me about the conversation she'd had with Sirius, and I realized I wouldn't know what to say if she did end up telling me. "Why are you so angry about it?" she wondered.

"I'm not—" I started to insist, but I stopped when I noticed the tone of my voice. I _was_ angry. Swallowing, I fought to keep my voice calm. "Okay, sorry again. It's just . . . Sirius was being obnoxious this morning, and I have to wonder why you wanted to put up with that. Did you have another reason for helping him? Because he definitely had another reason for asking you."

She eyed me warily for a moment, as if waiting to see if I had truly calmed down. Deciding that I wasn't going to yell again, she sighed. "You're going to laugh, I know it," Allie told me, biting her upper lip. "But . . . he's your friend. I think he's annoying, and childish, and I hate him—and James—for turning my hair blue; but they are your friends. I wouldn't normally talk to them at all, but I want them to like me. I want your friends to like me."

All I could do was stare at her. It had been for me?

"See?" she implored. "Now you think I'm silly."

I shook my head. There was a peculiar weightless feeling building in my chest. "No," I said airily. "Your answer was just . . . surprising. I was worried it was something else."

"That was the only reason for me," she said. "Why? What did Sirius say?" I could tell from the look on her face that she did not want to discuss what Sirius had told her and was hoping I didn't know.

"Nothing," I said honestly. "I was just wondering."

Allie nodded and went back to her food, smiling a little. From that point, I was no longer angry with Sirius. There just wasn't a reason. I mean, if anything, the issue had been my fault. I had practically given him permission to ask her out. But Allie had turned him down in the end, so no harm done. Allie had only worked with him for my benefit, which meant his little 'niceness' scheme had failed. I couldn't rationally be angry.

I'm glad I waited to hear Allie's side of the story before exploding at Sirius. Yes, this was certainly a more rational day to think all of this through.


	14. Chapter 14

**Entry #31: Monday May 29, 1972 – One Day After**

I should have been back in the common room by now, but I've decided to stay another night in the Hospital Wing. This is for my own mental wellbeing, and not because I'm too dizzy to stand, which is what I told Madam Pomfrey to convince her to let me stay. I just can't sleep in the dorm tonight. Sirius is bound to have told James by now, and no doubt Peter knows, so I have to stay the night for the excuse I gave to make sense. I don't know what Allie has said, but I'm not taking any chances.

Why did I have to hit my head on the stair rail last night? If I hadn't, I wouldn't have gotten a crack in my skull, and Madam Pomfrey would have let me go back to class early. She's been doing that lately. If I'm feeling well enough to stand by noontime, I'm allowed to leave the Hospital Wing and go to my afternoon classes. But, as it were, I wasn't even awake by noontime. The fracture in my skull kept me unconscious well into the afternoon, when the nurse woke me to check on the progress of my healing.

"How are you feeling?" she asked kindly, gently touching my shoulder. I could feel the bandages that were wrapped tightly around my head, suddenly realizing the pain.

I groaned slightly, gingerly feeling the lump. "My head hurts."

"Well, with a cracked skull, that's to be expected, isn't it?" Madam Pomfrey said with a grin. She leaned in closer to change my bandages. "Now, I have something interesting to tell you," she went on. Her voice was very quiet, almost cautioning, like she was afraid someone else was trying to listen in. "There is another patient in the Hospital Wing today. I know you usually want privacy, and understandably so, but this young lady broke her wrist over lunch, and I had no time to put the screen up. She did request the bed next to yours, and I remembered she is a friend of yours. I assumed she must know why you are here . . . ?"  
>The quiet voice suddenly made sense, and I started to panic. "Not exactly," I said in a rush. I forced myself upright, attempting to see past the nurse to the person I knew would be in the next bed.<p>

"Well, she probably has a few questions for you, then," Madam Pomfrey said, her eyebrows raised. "I suppose I'll leave you to it." My injury must have been healing well enough, as the nurse tied off the bandage and patted my shoulder before shuffling away.

With the nurse gone, I hesitantly glanced over, and I saw Allie lying in the other bed. Her arm was in a sling, and she was staring right at me with her bright blue eyes. The expression on her face was a mixture of confusion, fear, and concern. It was only a matter of time before she asked the dreaded question, and I didn't dare look away.

After what seemed like the world's longest staring contest, she finally decided to speak to me. "You said you were going to visit your sick mother," Allie said slowly. It wasn't a question and it wasn't an accusation. It was a fact, a fact she was repeating to me as plainly as if she were saying 'you lied to me.'

I didn't know what to say, so I continued to stare in silence. I'm not sure if I was too afraid to speak or too humiliated for her to see me in such a damaged condition.

She blinked when she realized I wasn't going to answer her. I could practically hear the wheels turning in her head as she considered everything I had ever said to her, trying to figure out if I had ever been honest. "Where did you go last night if you didn't go home?" Allie wondered. "And how did you hurt yourself? The nurse said you cracked your skull."

Allie was worried about me, I could tell, but I couldn't give her an honest answer. I had to say something, though, so I turned the conversation back on her. "How did _you_ hurt yourself?" I countered. "Your arm's in a sling."

"I fell out of my tree," she explained without hesitation or embarrassment.

"You fell out of the tree?" I exclaimed. "Allie, I told you—"

"Sirius jumped out at me while I was climbing it," she retorted matter–of–factly. From her tone, I knew I wouldn't be able to change the subject. "He scared me, so I lost my balance, and I fell. Not a big deal. But you're not in any condition to be concerned right now. My arm is basically healed. You still look terrible. Tell me what happened."

The word was out of my mouth before I could think about it. "No."

"What do you mean, 'no'?" Allie demanded.

"I mean no," I repeated, surprised by my own conviction. "I won't tell you what happened, Allie. I can't."

The guilt that spread through me at seeing her expression was insurmountable. She looked as if I had slapped her, and I may as well have. Her eyes welled up and she turned away, like she couldn't stand to look at me. "Okay," Allie said with finality. Her voice was quiet. "Don't tell me anything, Remus. Keep your stupid secret."

"Allie, I—"

"No," she interrupted, still staring pointedly in the other direction. "If you don't want to talk, I don't want to listen. Keep your secret and I promise I won't ask any more questions."

She wouldn't say another word. No matter what I tried, Allie remained silent, determined to prove her point. I had a sinking suspicion she would only speak again if I was honest with her, and the thought that this was not a temporary silent treatment terrified me. It left me feeling as if I had to choose which way to lose her as a friend. I could either keep quiet, which would result in her drifting away in anger, or I could tell her the truth about my condition—how I was classified as an extremely dangerous beast, registered with the Ministry—and watch her flee in terror. Both were undesirable choices, but anger was far easier to handle than terror. I kept my mouth shut.

We sat staring in opposite directions for at least an hour, during which Madam Pomfrey checked the lump on my head and gave Allie another dose of Skele–Gro. Only when the nurse was back in her office did Allie spare a glance at me. I caught it because I had been routinely looking over to her every few seconds, trying to get her attention.

She sighed, deciding she finally wanted to talk to me again. "I've been wondering about this for months, you know, about where you go," Allie said. I could barely hear her she was so quiet. "You said you were sick, and then you said your mother was sick, and it all seemed so odd. But I didn't say anything because I knew it was your business. I knew you would tell me eventually. Or . . . that's what I thought. But maybe I'm not really that close to you. Maybe you don't trust me."

"Allie, I do trust you," I tried. "I just can't—"

"And why can't you?" she demanded. Her voice was still quiet, but the demand was in her tone, not her volume. "Unless you've been put under a spell that forbids you to tell me, there isn't any reason to keep it a secret. I'm your friend, Remus. I didn't ask you about it because it was your business, but now you're hurt. What's hurting you? You can tell me."

Her words stirred something inside me. Why was I so certain she would scorn me for my condition? Who said she would run away in terror? She was my best friend, and I had trusted her with every other aspect of my life. Why not this secret? Why couldn't I tell her?

I took a deep breath. "It was me," I admitted. Allie's eyes widened, surprised that I was actually telling her the truth. "I hurt myself."

She opened her mouth to ask for clarification, but the Hospital Wing doors flew open and cut her short. Sirius was in the doorway, looking out of breath. He had obviously run up to visit Allie the instant classes were over. He stepped quickly into the room, making his way towards her bed, but he stopped when he saw me in the bed next to her. Sirius glanced at Allie, then back at me, clearly at a loss for what to do next.

"He hurt his head," Allie explained when Sirius failed to ask the question. She shot me a furtive look, wondering if Sirius' presence would prevent me from finishing my explanation. "I don't know what happened. He was here when I got here."

"I thought he was visiting his sick mother," he said. His eyes were mistrustful and they remained locked on me even though he was addressing Allie. "He shouldn't've been back until later tonight. Why is he here?"

"I don't know. He won't tell me."

I could tell she wanted Sirius to leave, so I could finish telling her whatever I was going to say. Sirius had been just as curious about my monthly disappearances, though, if not more so, and he wasn't going to give up this opportunity to interrogate me about my whereabouts. "Do you care to explain, Remus?" Sirius wondered. "Because this is a little suspicious."

"I fell down the stairs," I said, the excuse coming to me out of the blue. It was so simple and obvious; I wasn't sure why I hadn't thought of it in the first place. "When I was at home. I fell, and I cracked my head on the stair railing. Dad took me to St. Mungo's, and the Healers got me well enough to be sent back to school. Madam Pomfrey's been looking after me since."

Sirius held my gaze, and I didn't falter. The irony was that the story was mostly true. In my transformed rage, I had thrashed around so violently that I clumsily fell down the damaged staircase when I was trying to get downstairs. The shock of the fall had only angered me further, so I writhed around madly as I fell and banged my head into the rail. The impact cracked my skull and broke the railing from the wall, and I collapsed. Madam Pomfrey found me at the foot of the staircase, bleeding and unconscious, several hours later when she came to retrieve me.

"You always have a story," Sirius said at last. I knew he didn't believe me, but he dropped the subject and turned back to Allie. He must've filed the information away in his brain, adding it to the ever growing list of evidence he had already gathered about my condition. I wondered what he suspected, but if he was willing to let it go, I wasn't going to keep the subject rolling.

"You don't have to keep apologizing," Allie was saying when I finally refocused on their conversation. "I know you were just trying to be funny. Even though it wasn't funny at all."

I could hear the humor in her tone, but Sirius looked stricken. "I know it wasn't funny!" he objected. "And I really am sorry! Really, Allie. I didn't mean for you to get hurt."

"Relax, Sirius," Allie replied. "I'm fine. The nurse said I'll be able to leave before dinner starts, so quit worrying. I forgive you, so long as you took decent notes in Charms. You did take notes in Charms, right?"

"Yes, of course," Sirius assured. My lies seemed to have slipped his mind as he worried about making Allie happy with him again. "I can copy my notes for you, if you'd like. You shouldn't have to write anything down since . . . since I broke your wrist."

She didn't even think about it. "That would be nice," she said, her eyes flicking to me for the briefest of seconds. "Thank you. Do you think I can have them after dinner?"

"Of course, of course," Sirius repeated. "Anything. I'll go make a copy right now. Are you sure you'll be alright?"

"Yeah, Remus is here," Allie said. She looked over at me and smiled. Sirius looked over, too, but his expression was less friendly. I could tell he was very close to seeing the truth, and he stared for a moment, trying to read the answer in my face. When I didn't flinch, he turned from me, excused himself from Allie, and left the Hospital Wing.

I swallowed and sat very still. Now that Sirius was gone, Allie could resume her questioning and I would have to finish explaining. But I wasn't so sure I wanted to tell her anymore. Whatever had been stirred earlier had long since settled, and I could no longer fathom telling her the truth.

"Do I have to ask you to keep talking?" Allie asked tentatively. "Or do you think I believed that ridiculous story you gave Sirius? Because I didn't."

"I did fall down the stairs, though," I insisted, to delay the confession just a little while longer. It was the truth, in a sense, but not the whole truth. "And I did crack my head on the stair rail. I wasn't lying to Sirius."

She frowned. "Then why don't I believe you?"

I wanted to retort, to tell her that it was a personal problem if she didn't believe my story, but I saw the concerned look on her face, and the desire to trust her overcame my desire to lie. I breathed deeply, contemplating the best way to explain. "I'm sick, Allie," I admitted at long last, quietly and sadly. "I'm really sick." Not able to look at her, I stared out the window as I spoke. I had never noticed the Whomping Willow was visible just outside the Hospital Wing.

"What do you mean?" Allie wondered determinedly. "What are you sick with?"

This was it. This was the moment I would lose her as a friend. But I couldn't turn back now. "Lycanthropy," I mumbled, feeling numb.

It took a moment for comprehension to dawn on her face. She had to say the word back to herself a few times before she fully absorbed its meaning. "No, Remus, I think you said the wrong word," Allie said measuredly. I could tell she didn't want to believe what I had said. She was grasping at strings, trying to make it not so. But it was. It was the awful truth, and she had wanted to know . . . "Lycanthropy is the sickness of—"

"Werewolves, yes," I snapped, somewhat angry. Why was I doing this? Why was I giving up my best friend for the sake of being honest? It wasn't worth it, seeing the terrible understanding on her face, knowing what would happen next. "I know what lycanthropy is, Allie. I've been infected with it since I was five."

"Oh," Allie breathed, just as her last string broke and she finally knew. There were no more words, just her wide blue eyes staring at me with fear.

I kept my eyes averted, determined not to look at her. The tension was growing rapidly, and I fought for control of every breath as the panic rose in my chest. After the longest moment of my life, the nurse stepped out of her office to check on us. Allie quickly looked away as Madam Pomfrey shuffled to her bedside.

The nurse slowly rotated Allie's wrist, to see how the bones had healed. "I think your wrist is all healed, Miss Bond," Madam Pomfrey smiled, but Allie didn't respond as the sling was removed from her arm. The nurse noticed and tilted her head, seeming concerned at Allie's indifference. "Are you all right, dear?"

"I'm fine, nurse," Allie forced herself to say. "Can I go now? If my wrist is better?"

"Yes, but . . ." Madam Pomfrey started to say, and Allie was out of her bed before the nurse could even think about asking any more questions. When the doors had shut, Madam Pomfrey turned to me. "I think she was upset about something. Do you know what happened, Mr. Lupin?"

I stared blankly at the nurse, still not able to believe Allie had actually gone. "I––I don't know," I muttered, my eyes flicking to the door. Surely Allie would rush back in, say that she really understood. But no. I had seen the fear in her eyes. She wasn't coming back.

"Well, what about you?" Madam Pomfrey wondered, bustling over to my bed. "Are you doing fine? How's your head?"

I shut my eyes tight, wanting to go back in time and stop myself from admitting something so foolish. "Actually, would it be all right if I stay another night?" I wondered. "I'm feeling a bit dizzy and . . . and I need to sleep."

The nurse knew something was wrong, but she didn't bother me. It has never been her way to ask questions. "Stay as long as you want, sweetheart," she said. "Let me know if you need anything." With that said, she gave me a sad sort of smile and wandered back into her office, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I doubted that Allie would go spreading my secret around to everyone, but that didn't mean it wouldn't slip when she ran into James and Sirius. Those two would tell Peter, and then I will have effectively gotten rid of all my close friends in one fell swoop. What would be the point of remaining at Hogwarts if my friends are now afraid of me? Maybe I can be homeschooled after all.

How long can I hide in the Hospital Wing until Madam Pomfrey kicks me out, I wonder?

* * *

><p>Tonks stared at the pages of the diary, not really believing what she had read. When Remus was telling Allison about his condition, Tonks had assumed everything would work out. Allison would claim, much as Tonks herself had done, that the lycanthropy didn't matter as much as the man. They would continue to be best friends, and Tonks would be forced to continue reading in confusion, torn between feeling frustrated and supportive, all the while wondering what had caused their separation.<p>

But that didn't happen. They didn't remain friends. Allison had run away from him.

Was this the reason Remus had never mentioned her, despite his feelings? Having such a close friend reject him like that was a perfectly acceptable excuse to never speak of her again.

It seemed there was still so much to read. And, as weird as the feeling was, Tonks wasn't ready to give up on Remus and Allison quite yet. There had to be more to this story than simple rejection, and Tonks turned the page.

* * *

><p><strong>Entry #32: Tuesday June 6, 1972 – Nine Days After<strong>

Allie hasn't spoken to me in a week. It's a terrible feeling, especially since I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to win her back. She is afraid of me, and fear is something you cannot get past, no matter how strong the friendship.

Studying for final exams without her has been rather lonely. So has everything else, really, but studying brings it home the most. James and Sirius don't believe they need to study, and Peter doesn't know how to study. At least the three of them are still talking to me. Sirius may be close to figuring out my condition, but as long as they remain in the dark—that is to say, Allie doesn't tell anyone—I still have friends.

Allie has taken to sitting with Brittany and Lily, Molly, or Rachel in class, leaving me clear across the room at an empty desk. I had hoped her parting would be less obvious, but a vacant seat next to me leaves plenty of room for Sirius to be nosy. He noticed my estrangement from Allie nearly the moment it happened, and he didn't hesitate to start asking questions. Today during Defense Against the Dark Arts, he slipped into Allie's chair with what he assumed was concern plastered on his face. James and Peter took the desk behind us so they could listen as well.

"All right, what happened?" Sirius said brashly. Professor Arquette was lecturing, but that had never stopped Sirius before. "Allie is clear across the room with that harpy and I would like an explanation as to why you're letting this happen, Remus."

I assumed 'that harpy' meant Rachel, as Rachel was currently Allie's desk partner. I glanced across the room to where they were sitting together and cringed at the awful smug look on Rachel's face. I remembered the many times Rachel had scorned Allie's friendship with me, how Allie had adamantly asserted that I was decent. I could imagine that Rachel would be repeating "I told you so" for as long as anyone would listen, and I wondered what Allie was saying in response now. Was she still defending me? Or did she now realize how right Rachel had been to deride me?

My eyes were stinging, and I could barely breathe. I focused back on Sirius, sniffed, and found I couldn't say anything. I wanted to, but my mouth just wouldn't open. Instead, I turned forward in an attempt to take notes, hoping Sirius would vanish. If he went away, I wouldn't have to think about the fact that Allie was no longer the one sitting next to me.

"That bad, mate?" James wondered quietly. The teacher was shooting an annoyed glance in our direction, so he was trying to keep his voice down. "What did she do to you?"

"She's not talking to me," I said, finding my voice at last. His words had spurred a feeling of overwhelming gratitude towards them, making it slightly easier to breathe. "But I don't think I can talk about what happened just yet." I gave him a feeble smile, to let him know it wasn't a dismissal, that I would be fine if given time. My friends were on my side. I had been sure they would tease me about the split, wonder what I had said to upset Allie. But to their eternal credit, they did not. They could tell I was hurting, and they didn't have the heart to make it worse.

Sirius frowned. "Okay," he said, bending over his parchment. He wasn't writing with his quill, but his averted eyes had more to do with respect, I think. "Just know you can talk to us about it when you need to."

I nodded, but I knew I couldn't really tell them what happened. After Allie's reaction . . . I won't let them figure it out. No matter what I have to do, Sirius, James, and Peter will never know I'm a werewolf. I can't lose them as friends.

"I'm fine," I replied. "Really. It isn't a big deal."

They seemed to accept this answer, though I caught James and Peter exchanging troubled glances. Both of them know how much I really care about Allie, how difficult this must actually be for me. I smiled to myself and got back to work.

I have fantastic friends.

* * *

><p>*A note from Aquira: Thanks for the reviews last chapter guys. Glad to know I've got people who want to keep reading :) I hope you all review like that every chapter!<p> 


	15. Chapter 15

**Entry #33: Sunday June 11, 1972 – Fourteen Days Before**

I was sitting by the fire, minding my own business as James and Sirius debated their favorite Quidditch teams, when it happened. Peter saw her first and he started pounding on my arm trying to get my attention. When I finally glanced at him, his smile was encouraging and he pointed to a table in the corner.

Allie was sitting there working on an essay, coiled inward as if trying to be as small as possible. She had deliberately positioned herself far away from the fireplace, but her eyes were focused on me. When she realized I had noticed her, her shoulders relaxed, her eyes softened, and the edges of her mouth tried to pull into a smile. It was the first time she had so much as looked at me in the past ten days, and I sat very still, not sure what I was supposed to do.

It was a very long moment and then, quite unexpectedly, she burst into tears. Allie covered her face with her hands and abandoned her books to run out the portrait hole. James and Sirius stopped talking long enough to stare after her, and then they snapped their attention onto me, looking both confused and concerned as they stared.

"What was that?" James insisted.

"I don't know," I mumbled, still not quite comprehending what had happened.

Sirius gave me a hard look, trying to discern something from my face. "Remus, tell me what happened after I left the Hospital Wing," he said. "That's when this started, isn't it?"

I frowned at him. "Does it really matter?" I wondered, thinking fast. The desire to go after her, to make everything better, was overwhelming. I shouldn't have wanted to, after what she had done to me, but caring about someone makes you funny. Nothing is sensible. "She's crying. I have to see what's wrong."

"But she's not talking to you," James pointed out, not hurtfully. He grabbed my arm as I stood and forced me back into my seat. "Are you sure that's a good idea? I mean, what if she doesn't want you to check on her?"

"Then I guess I'll know for sure," I muttered. I didn't care that none of them understood what I was talking about and quickly left them to follow Allie out the door.

She hadn't gotten far, just a short way down the corridor, before collapsing against the wall. Her face was red and puffy from crying and her hair was wildly messy, like she had angrily tried to pull it out. Cautiously, I stepped towards her and slid down the wall next to her, staying absolutely silent until she wanted to acknowledge me.

When at last she opened her eyes to see who had come, she whimpered at the sight of me and buried her head in her sleeves. "What are you doing here?" she cried, barely audible.

"I wanted to see if you were all right . . ." I started, but she didn't budge. She continued to hide, crying her eyes out into her folded arms. I realized how foolish it had been to think she would care about a werewolf's concern, and I motioned to leave. My chest felt tight. "I'll go."

"Don't!" she exclaimed suddenly. Allie threw her arms around me, practically tackling me to the ground before I could get to my feet. "Please don't go! I don't want you to go!"

I froze. She was sobbing hard into the back of my robes, and she wasn't letting go.

"Please, Remus!" Allie moaned. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean that you should go. I just don't know why you're talking to me. You hate me!"

"I hate you?" I asked calmly. It wasn't true. I could never hate her. It wasn't her fault what I was, that my condition terrified her. I was scary. She could help being afraid no more than I could help transforming.

Allie still had her face buried in my back, crying louder than before. "I hate me!" she confessed miserably. "You didn't want to tell me because you knew how I would react. And when you did tell me, I did exactly what you thought! I ran away and I hate myself for it. I was scared and . . . and stupid . . . and I'm so sorry! But I couldn't . . . I can't—"

"Stop explaining, please," I interrupted before she could say anything else. She pulled away, her wet eyes wide with confusion. "I don't want to hear you say it. I knew, when I told you, that I might lose you. It's bad enough that it has to happen. Please don't put it into words."

"No!" she gasped, rapidly shaking her head. "That isn't what I was going to say!" Allie hugged me desperately and clung to my robes, weeping into my shoulder. "I can't be afraid of you, Remus. I don't want to be afraid of you."

"You can't help it. If you're afraid—"

"But I _can_ help it!" Allie asserted. Her hands found my face and she held firm, forcing me to look into her distressed blue eyes. "I've been thinking. A lot. And . . . now I realize. You aren't afraid of the dark; you're afraid of the _moon_. And Dumbledore isn't helping you with money; he's helping you _stay safe_ while you're here. And you go away every month to be alone, to hide, so you don't hurt anybody. You're not bad, and you're not scary. You didn't ask to be like this and I know you don't want to be like this. You're good. You don't deserve prejudice, especially from me. I'm supposed to be your best friend." The tears stopped momentarily and she stared into my eyes, determined and sure. "I won't let myself be afraid of you."

In that moment, I don't remember breathing. Breathing wasn't important. The only thing registering in my mind was that Allie was not deserting me. I brought her close and hugged her furiously, my jaw clenched tight against emotion. "Thank you," was all I could say, but it wasn't nearly enough to express my unrelenting gratitude.

"You're good," she cried into my collar, succumbing to tears once more. "I won't forget that again. I missed you so much."

It was still hard to believe that it was happening. I was actually holding her. We stayed in that embrace for a very long time. She continued to cry, this time in relief, and I was very still, not wanting to move and break the magic.

Eventually, she composed herself enough to stand. Clinging to my hand as if life depended on it, Allie followed me back into the common room. Peter was grinning happily at me as we walked past them to her table in the corner. James and Sirius looked at each other, confused, but then they both gave me a thumbs up, pleased by this new turn of events.

All I could do was smile back.

I wondered what I would say to them when they asked what had happened. Could I possibly tell them the truth, too? The thought only lasted a second before I considered how lucky I had been that Allie actually accepted me. There was no guarantee that Sirius or James or Peter would be as understanding. I resolved to lie to them. It was the easiest option, no matter how good the feeling had been when Allie finally came back to me.

To me, nothing else happened today. Yes, I am aware that Peeves possessed a suit of armor on James' behest, Sirius got detention for hexing the ears off Francis Baddock, and they both got Peter to help them flood the boys' bathroom on the fifth floor by flushing dungbombs down the toilets, but I don't recall any specifics. Those things might as well not have happened, as far as I'm concerned about them. Allie is back in my life, and that is all that matters.

**Entry #34: Saturday June 24, 1972 – The Last Day of School / Two Days Before**

I am currently on the Hogwarts Express, headed back to King's Cross station, where my mother and father will be waiting to take me home. I can't wait to see them again. Mum has been writing nonstop for the past two weeks, and the letters always say the same thing: "I can't wait to have you back, Remus! I miss you so much!" Of course, dad always chimes in, claiming how happy he is that Allie has accepted my condition. I wrote to them right after I told her, right after she ran away from me. They were so sorry for me. Mum wanted me to come home straight away, and dad blamed himself. But then I wrote to them again, ten days later, and they were overjoyed to hear she was my friend again. They really want to meet her.

Allie's parents are back from Wales, so I'm almost positive she is going to visit my house this summer. Though, to be honest, mum and dad are so excited to meet her, I doubt anything could have kept her from my home. I think my parents would have driven across the country to get her from her grandparents' house if it came to that. They desperately want to meet the girl who has been so kind to their son.

I'm not sure my parents are as keen on meeting James, Sirius, and Peter. I've written home about them, about the many antics they've gotten up to, and I think my parents would rather my troublesome friends didn't come over to destroy their house. I promised them my friends would be on their best behavior if they did visit, but mum and dad are still reluctant. If I know James and Sirius, though, they won't let a thing like lack of parental permission stop them from coming over to my house.

You know, I'm rather impressed with the two of them. It's been only two weeks since Allie started talking to me again, and they have already decided to refrain from asking us why we weren't talking to each other. Allie has been every bit as loyal as I could have hoped, which I think contributed to their relinquished efforts. She wouldn't say a word on the matter whenever they asked. That provoked many annoyed arguments, as neither James nor Sirius can stand when they don't know something, but Allie held firm. In my opinion, they only gave up asking questions because it's the end of the year and they've run out of opportunities to interrogate us. It doesn't matter. I know Allie won't tell them.

Well, this is about all the guys are going to let me write. Sirius is threatening to wrench the notebook from my hands, so I'd better wrap this up.

I am so excited for summer!

**Entry #35: Saturday July 8, 1972 – Twelve Days After**

I woke up this morning, and put on my best clothes. Then, as I stared at the reflection of my Sunday bests in the mirror, I realized that it would seem superfluous to dress up just for a visit from a friend. I hastily found another outfit, found a third outfit after that, attempted to make my hair neat, mussed it up again, and positioned myself on the couch in our living room to await Allie's arrival.

Dad had tuned into the wizarding wireless network and tried to look relaxed as he listened to the music in his armchair. Mum had placed herself in the kitchen, photographically posed by the stove as she prepared lunch for everyone. I told them that Allie wasn't expecting anything, but I think they wanted to impress her.

"Are you nervous, son?" my father asked, biting on his thumbnail. He wasn't looking at me. His eyes were instead focused on the door, waiting for the chance to open it. "I was nervous when your mother met my parents."

I quickly glanced over to him, my eyes widening. "Dad––what . . . ?"

"Isn't Allie your girlfriend?" he said. He spared me the briefest of looks before staring back at the door. "I thought that was why we were meeting her."

"That's not why we're meeting her, John!" my mother exclaimed from the kitchen, poking her head out the archway with flour on her face. She had been eavesdropping again. "Allison is Remus' friend, and Remus wants us to meet his friends. I'm sure we'll be meeting James Potter and Sirius Black this summer, too."

"You never know, Anna," dad amended. "He's not a little boy anymore. Remus might have a girlfriend already. What do you say, son? Is Allie your girlfriend?"

Unwittingly, my face burned scarlet. I could feel both sets of eyes watching me, and knew both were wondering what was going on in my head. "She's not my girlfriend," I tried to say calmly.

There was a smirk on dad's face. "But you'd like her to be, wouldn't you, son?"

"John, don't tease him," mum scolded as she hit him on the shoulder. "If you embarrass him while his friend is here . . ."

Dad was about to open his mouth in protest, but the knocker sounded. Mum looked around, startled, before hurrying back into the kitchen. I got off the couch to answer the door as dad watched the staticky wizarding wireless, assumingly distracted.

Allie was looking over her shoulder as if trying to discern whether this was the right house or not when I opened the door. She jumped, but smiled when she saw me. "Hi, Remus!" she cried, and she threw her arms around me. I could feel my father's eyes boring into the back of my skull as I blushed. "I missed you so much!"

"I missed you, too, Allie," I said, untangling myself. "Come in."

Still smiling, Allie strode past me and into the living room, where my father had awkwardly gotten to his feet. "You must be Allison," he said, sticking out his hand. "Pleasure to meet you."

Allie grabbed his hand with confidence and shook it. "And Remus said your name is . . ." It had been such a long time since I'd told her my parents names that it took her a moment. She screwed up her face, thinking hard while her cheeks flushed. "John!" she cried happily, pleased that she had remembered. She gave a sheepish laugh. "Sorry."

"Oh, no worries," dad said as mum came through the archway.

"Welcome to our home, Allison!" mum said boisterously. She rubbed a bit of flour from her hands onto her apron, but she still had it on her face and in her hair. "I just put a pie in the oven for after dinner. How was your trip here? Are your parents still outside?" Mum glanced out the window, as if Mr. and Mrs. Bond would be standing in the front yard.

"My brother Mitchell brought me, actually," Allie said, taking a seat on the couch. "His girlfriend lives near here, so he was more than willing."

"Mitchell has a girlfriend?" I had to ask, before either of my parents could get another word in. "Since when does Mitchell have a girlfriend?"

"Since three weeks ago!" Allie laughed, her attention instantly diverted. My parents might not have been in the room. "They started dating right before he graduated. I think he said her name is . . . Angela? She's in Hufflepuff, I know that."

"If she's a prefect, you're probably mean Angela Mulligan," I went on. I could see my parents look at each other as they migrated towards the kitchen, giving us our privacy. "James and Sirius really don't like her. She got James in so much trouble when she found out he had a broomstick as a first year."

"Would Mitch date anyone besides a prefect?" Allie countered. She scooted over to make room for me on the couch and I sat down next to her. "Ooh and you wouldn't be able to stomach the way he talks about her. On the way here . . ." For the next twenty minutes, Allie and I laughed at her brother and the improbability of his girlfriend, until my mother popped her head back into the living room and announced that food was ready.

We sat down next to each other at the table and started to talk about what we would do for the day. Mum and dad chimed in with suggestions to go to the park or the woods, and Allie seemed to like both options. She decided we would wander through the woods, and we finished our lunches while my parents gave the required words of caution about not talking to strangers and being back home before dinnertime.

"Yes, dad," I said begrudgingly. Mum was clearing the table and dad had just told us for the fourth time not to go too far into the woods. Allie giggled at the face I was making.

"Come off it, John, they'll be fine," mum implored. I gave her a grateful smile as Allie pulled me towards the back door, anxious to leave. "Have fun!" dad called after us.

The sun was shining brightly outside. Allie and I wandered up and down the paved streets, shielding our eyes, until we reached the break in the fence at the turn of Connaught Gardens, where a narrow path led into the Queens Wood. I tried to share all of my favorite places along the path, but Allie wasn't paying attention. She was too busy marveling at the behavior of my Muggle neighbors, so I answered her questions instead. She wondered about bicycles and what everyone meant when they talked about 'telly–vision' and 'sinima.' When the postman went by, she thought of a dozen more questions about why Muggles wouldn't think to use owls.

I tried to answer as best I could but, honestly, I'm not a Muggle. I may live in the middle of a cluster of them, but mum and dad are very much 'wizard' in their habits. I could only answer some of the more obvious questions, and Allie didn't mind. Each time I failed to answer, she merely thought of a different question to ask. I think she just wanted to keep the conversation going, as it was quite fun attempting to figure out how Muggles possibly get along without magic.

The thing that fascinated her the most, though, was Muggle fashion. It absolutely baffled her and I was impressed Allie had managed to put together a convincing Muggle outfit at all. Her long blonde hair was pulled back into a loose bun and she was wearing a simple white dress down to her knees with plait–strap sandals on her feet. I thought she looked rather pretty, but I didn't dare say it. I settled instead for sparing her the briefest of glances every few moments to appreciate the way the breeze brushed back her bangs and rustled her dress. She smiled whenever she caught my eye, looking very pleased to be spending time with me.

After several hours of wandering and discussing the Muggles (and Allie deciding she was going to have to take Muggle Studies in third year), we could see the sun through the trees, slowly starting to fade. We made the decision to go back to my house and came in through the back door to the kitchen. Mum was already dishing up plates of chicken and she didn't even glance at us while she told us to clean up before dinner.

We went to the bathroom to wash our hands, and Allie dried her hands on the back of my shirt just because she could. I mussed up her hair in response, and we both sat down at the dinner table slightly annoyed with each other but giggling uncontrollably.

"How was the woods?" dad asked. He had noticed the giggling, and I shut up when I saw the funny smile he was giving me.

"It was amazing!" Allie replied, taking a bite of her chicken. "There were so many Muggles. I really don't know anything about them, so it was very interesting to see what they're like. This is really good chicken, Mrs. Lupin."  
>Mum smiled. "Thank you, Allison," she said. "And you can call me Anna."<p>

"All right." Allie quickly grinned at me before turning back to my parents. "Do you guys like living next door to Muggles? I was just wondering, because there is a wizarding community not far from here. I think it's called Stoney Cove."

My father's face fell slightly, and his eyes darted to my mother, who had fixed her attention on me. "We actually lived in Stoney Cove for several years," mum said calmly. "Until Remus was about five years old. Then . . . Then it was necessary to move."

Allie could tell she had stumbled onto an uncomfortable subject, and she glanced at me out of the corner of her eye. She was clearly wondering whether she should ask any more questions. I gave the slightest shake of my head, and she fell silent, eating her chicken determinedly. Dad seemed to have lost his appetite. I looked the other way when I noticed mum holding his hand.

After dinner, Allie and I went up to my bedroom, as there were still a few hours until her brother would return to pick her up. I sat on the edge of my bed, and she chose a spot on the floor, crossing her legs and looking up at me with apologetic eyes. "Your family had to move because of you, didn't they?" she wondered. "Because of what you are."

"Yeah," I mumbled, thinking of my father.  
>Her face was sad as she continued to stare. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"<p>

"I don't actually know the whole story," I began, only hesitating for a moment. There was something about her expression that made me want to tell her everything, even if I shouldn't have. I suppose I saw the understanding behind her eyes. "My parents don't _want_ me to know the whole story, I think. I guess dad feels a bit ashamed of what happened. I don't blame him, though. I blame the man who bit me. But . . . it is dad's fault, if you get down to it."

"What's your dad's fault?"

"My . . . condition," I explained. "It's my dad's fault that I'm a werewolf."

Carefully, Allie stood and maneuvered onto my bed, lacing her fingers through mine. "What did your dad do?" Her tone was patient and caring. I wanted to tell her everything.

"He––he got a bit drunk at the tavern on my fifth birthday." I swallowed. "Mum says she was throwing a party for me and the neighbor's kids were over, so dad wanted to stay out of the way. He gets nervous around too many kids. At the tavern, there was apparently a werewolf sitting in the booth next to dad, only dad didn't know it at the time. Then dad said something that really offended the werewolf. He won't tell me what he said, but I think it was something awful about lycanthropes. That's the only thing I think he would keep from me. Then dad got in a fight with the werewolf; I guess he said a lot more rude things because he was drunk. I remember he came home with a black eye, and . . . he wouldn't talk to me for a few days after. I don't like to think dad knew what was going to happen to me, but he must've. I can only imagine what the werewolf told my father to make him worry like that. And I can only imagine what my father felt when those threats came true. He's always felt guilty about it."

Clearing my throat, I glanced at her. The urge to keep talking overcame me as I searched her face, and I continued the story without having to be asked. "Then––I remember this part myself––a week after my birthday, mum and I were walking in the park. It was late, and it was getting dark, so mum said we had to leave. I wasn't ready to go home, so I wandered off. I thought if I hid in the trees, mum wouldn't be able to make me leave the park. It would be like playing hide and seek. But it was a full moon, and that werewolf from the bar had figured out who I was. I think he must have been following my father, looking for some way to get back at him. He found me before mum even noticed I was gone. When I saw him, I thought it was just a big dog, and I had always wanted a dog. Only once the werewolf jumped at me did I realize it wasn't a nice dog. The werewolf only bit me once, right on my shoulder blade. But that was enough. Then he ran off and left me for my mother to find.

"Mum took me to Saint Mungo's, and the Healers told me I was infected," I went on. "They said it was odd the werewolf didn't take me with him. That's usually the only reason werewolves bite children, so they can kidnap them and raise them with other wolves. Dad knew what had happened, though. He knew the werewolf had left me on purpose, to punish my father for what he said at the bar. That's when we decided to move. Wizard families would recognize the symptoms of lycanthropy. Our neighbors would figure out what was wrong with me, and nobody would want us living near them. So we moved near Muggles, because Muggles don't know about real werewolves. Our new neighbors think we have a very loud dog that only howls when the moon is full."

Allie didn't say anything when I was done talking. Instead, she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and rested her head against my chest. I could feel myself getting warmer, but I didn't want to move. It was a very good kind of warm.

"I like that you tell me these things, Remus," she said after several minutes.

"Yeah," was all I could think to say. Her arms were still around me, and I didn't want to make her move. But, the moment couldn't last forever. I cleared my throat. "Want to play cards?"

Allie grinned. "Sure." She hopped off the bed and rummaged through my top desk drawer, like she knew exactly where I kept my playing cards. She dealt out a game of Rummy and we played several rounds before switching to Exploding Snap. I lost nearly every game, but I had a lot of fun. At some point, we started debating what kind of imaginary dog I became once a month, in case my neighbors ever ask. Allie thinks I turn into a Malamute; or a Pomeranian. She was going for dog breeds with a lot of fluff. Apparently she has decided to imagine my werewolf form as a big, furry, lovable puppy instead of a wolf. If I'm not allowed to be a beast in her mind, then I suppose she has to supplement the scary image with something less terrifying––or 'fluffy.'

Just before ten o'clock, Mitchell appeared at the front door. I followed Allie downstairs to see her off. She gave me an unusually long goodbye hug and told me that we needed to see a lot more of each other before school started for second year. I invited her back next week, but she insisted that our next visit be at her house, which will have to happen sooner rather than later. I promised I would do my best to arrange it, and mum and dad assured her that they would get me to Tottery Grove (the wizarding community that Allie's family lives in). Then, with our goodbyes completed, Mitchell and Allie stepped outside, and he drove away with her.

When she was gone, dad patted me on the shoulder, and the funny smile was back on his face. "She's a very nice girl, son," he told me. "I can see why you like her."

"Dad!" I groaned, yanking away from him in embarrassment. I could see mum was on the verge of laughing, and I hurried up to my bedroom to hide.

I wish Allie could have stayed longer, but it was nice to see her while I could. Hopefully we see a lot more of each other over the summer. It's odd, seeing someone every day––becoming quite attached to them, really––and then not seeing them at all. I may have said this before, but every time I see Allie after a long separation, I can't believe how much I've missed her. This time was no different and my visit to her house cannot come soon enough.


	16. Chapter 16

**Entry #36: Sunday July 16, 1972 – Ten Days Before**

I've had no such luck in seeing Allie again. We've written to each other, but that's all. Her parents have taken her to Scotland, as her grandfather has taken very ill. I remember her telling me she is close to this particular grandfather, and I know family is a priority when a relative is sick. That doesn't mean I'm not a little disappointed.

I suppose seeing my other friends will have to suffice for now. They are much more available than Allie. Just last week, I went to Peter's house for tea and met his parents. They're rather odd people, to be honest. His father didn't say a word, and his mother liked to talk about her book of postcards. She gave me a postcard to take home.

Then, a few days ago, Sirius invited me to his house. I arrived right on time, but he had forgotten to tell his mother to expect me. When she answered the door, her eyes narrowed. I told her my name, and then she promptly told me that Sirius wasn't feeling very well, and that I should go home. I was confused, so I stared blankly at her until she slammed the door in my face. I took the hint and walked back to the car. Luckily dad was still waiting.

Sirius felt awful about what happened. He explained that he was actually feeling perfectly fine that day, but upon hearing the name 'Lupin,' which was not a surname she recognized as pureblood, Mrs. Black decided she did not want a half–breed in her home. She sent me on my way, and Sirius apologized profusely when he found out. To make up for it, James and Sirius banded together and invited themselves to my house today. The only notice I got concerning their arrival was an owl post yesterday, from James, and all it said was, "See you tomorrow, Remus! PS: What's your address?" I wanted to see them, too, so I sent him directions to my house.

I didn't know when to expect them, as they hadn't given me a time, so I was asleep when they knocked on my door this morning. They were quite early––6:00a.m. to be exact. Dad didn't even bother to wake me up. Instead, he sent James and Sirius up to my room to do it for him.

My door was thrown open. "REMUS LUPIN, WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING?" Sirius cried while James pulled the pillow out from under my head. James is rather good at doing that. Sirius then started jumping on my feet, and James repeatedly hit my stomach with the pillow.

I woke up very suddenly and blinked, trying to clear the sleep from my head and figure out what horrible creatures were attacking me. When my vision finally focused and I recognized their faces, I scowled at them. "Couldn't you two have come at a more ungodly hour?" I grumbled sarcastically, taking the pillow from James. He had decided to beat me with it even after my eyes were open. "Was it your plan to get here before I could wake up?"

"Oh, we planned it this way, most certainly," Sirius said as he continued to bounce. I kicked him through my blankets to make him stop and he stumbled forward, purposefully landing on top of me. He grinned and kissed my cheek. "Hi, Remus. How are you?"

"Spectacular," I replied blandly. "Are we going to cuddle all morning? If so, I think we should make room for James."

"No, never James," Sirius insisted, pulling me closer. "I only have eyes for you, Remus."

James took advantage of the bewilderment created by Sirius' disturbing comment to snatch the pillow back. He whacked Sirius across the face with it. "Knock it off, you fairies," he said, hitting me too. "I want breakfast."

"You haven't eaten?" I asked. They both shook their heads, and I sighed. "Oh, all right."

Begrudgingly, I dragged myself out of bed and Sirius hopped off the mattress behind me. I put on some decent clothes and I led them downstairs into the kitchen, where my mother was busy frying eggs and sausages. I could smell toast too, and the wonderful aroma made me realize how hungry I was.

When she noticed us, mum smiled warmly, apparently unfazed by the early visitors. "Good morning!" mum said, carefully examining my friends' faces. "You must be James, and you must be Sirius." She correctly pointed at both of them in turn, and they grinned at her. "I'm Anna. Are either of you boys hungry? I made extra when John said you were here early."

"Yes, ma'am!" James said at the same time that Sirius blurted, "I'm starving!"

Mum dished up plates for all three of us and sat us at the table. Dad was reading the Prophet, but he folded it back up again to smile at my friends. "Thank you for waking up my son, boys," he said. "I would have done it myself, but I'm always afraid he'll bite my hand off."

"Not a problem, Mr. L," James replied. He was already halfway finished with his food. "I've woke him up at school before. He's mean about it, isn't he?" James clapped me on the shoulder in an affectionate way. "Like the saying 'let sleeping dogs lie.' Except Remus is meaner, like a wolf."

Dad gave a forced sort of laugh, looking at me while I tried to not choke on my toast. "I guess that's one way of looking at it," dad said. I could tell he was as uneasy as I was, but I attempted to smile like what James had just said wasn't unsettling. But it was. It was very unsettling, and I'm not so sure James didn't know that.

"And Mrs. L," James went on, "you're looking well. I'm glad to see you're feeling better."

Startled by the comment, mum briefly glanced at me before smiling politely. "Yes much better, thank you," she said coolly. "How's the food?"

"It's great." James grinned and continued to stuff his face with sausage. Everyone seemed to run out of things to say at once and there was only the sound of forks clanking on plates left in the room.

"So, Remus," Sirius said, breaking the strange tension that had been building. He too had shoveled his food down and was nearly done with his breakfast. "Are we going to get a tour of the house or what?"

"If you'd like," I said, a little wary. "Just let me finish eating."

They pretended to be patient and watched me as I ate the last few bites of my sausage. The moment my plate was cleared, they were on their feet and I was forced to lead them around my house. We started upstairs, where I showed them my bedroom again and let them glance into my parents' room. For some reason, Sirius insisted that I not forget to show them my bathroom, so I spent an extra few minutes explaining that our bath was in the corner, and our toilet was in the other corner by the sink.

Then we went down stairs. I showed them the living room, our other toilet, my dad's study, and then we were back in the kitchen. "What a quaint little home you have here, Remus," Sirius said, glancing out the window to see our backyard. "I like it."

"Thanks." I was waiting for a more judgmental comment, but one never came.

"Can we see the basement?" James wondered suddenly. He was looking around as if trying to find the basement door.

"What makes you think I have a basement?" I asked, my mouth going dry. There was a reason the door to our basement was hidden behind a panel in the wall. The bloodstained floors, broken furniture, and claw marks were not things my family wanted on display for visitors. I tried to play it off by looking out the window with Sirius, but Sirius turned and stared at me.

"I saw a basement window when we came in," James explained. His eyes were confused. "I think a basement window means there is a basement. Right?"

"Well . . . our basement isn't really finished," I lied. "The stairs are broken, for one, and we've blocked off the door so nobody can go down there."

"Sounds spooky," James said. He was excited, which wasn't good. "I want to see it."

I shook my head. "We don't need to see my basement," I insisted. "There's just a bunch of old furniture down there. It can't be that exciting."

"But it sounds interesting," James went on. "I want to see it."

"Me too," Sirius blurted. He hadn't taken his eyes off me since James had brought up the idea. "Come on, Remus. You have to admit it would be fun to explore. A rundown basement that hasn't been used in years? If we were at Hogwarts right now, and we found something below the dungeons, none of us would hesitate to see what was down there."

I glanced between the two of them, knowing they would keep pestering me until I caved. And Sirius had made a valid point; I wouldn't have objected if they had wanted to explore a basement at school. I didn't want to do it, but my answer was obvious. "All right," I consented.

With as much composure as I could muster, I walked behind our dining table and pushed open the loose panel in the wall. Behind the panel was the hidden narrow passageway, and at the end of that passageway, there was the door.

James and Sirius were right behind me. I carefully stepped through the wall and they poked their heads hesitantly around the corner before following. At the end of the hall, they stopped to stare at the very ordinary looking door. A long time ago, my parents had charmed the steel to look like wood. I was confused by mum's desire to disguise a door that was already hidden; now, though, I was very happy my friends were not seeing the door for what it really was.

The magical lock only opened at the touch of my human hand. It was designed to prevent the door from opening while I was transformed. I put my hand on the knob until I felt the click of the lock, and pushed the door in. The usual hollow feeling arose in my stomach at the sight of the shabby staircase, but I swallowed and took the first determined step.

"I've never been down here before," I lied again as I navigated around the broken stairs. "So I'm not sure what we'll find."

"That makes it more exciting!" James said. His eyes were wide as he took in the shambles that was my basement prison.

I tried to see the room as they must have been seeing it, and it wasn't a pleasant sight. There was dried blood spattered on the floor and walls––my blood. The furniture I had torn apart had been strewn all over the room. It was a disaster, and I couldn't imagine what my friends were thinking as they saw the wreckage.

"It looks like a tornado went through here," Sirius said. He picked up a broken piece of what used to be a rocking chair. "And you haven't been down here before, Remus?"

"No, never," I said, trying to sound just as awed by the mess. "It's kind of creepy."

"I think that's blood on the ground," James said suddenly. He had bent down to examine it more closely before giving me a questioning look. I raised my eyebrows in mock surprise, wondering how convincing I was being.

Sirius stepped closer to James so he could examine the floor, too. He carefully touched the dark red stain. "It's dried, so I can't tell, but it might be blood," he mused. They both glanced up at me, and I tried to look confused. "Remus, what do your parents do down here?"

I swallowed. "They don't come down here," I said, telling the truth. The basement was for my benefit, not theirs. "It must have been like this when we moved in."

"And nobody's cleaned it up?" Sirius wondered. He stood. "How long have you lived here?"

"A few years," I said. It was getting easier to pretend I didn't know what was going on. "My parents mustn't have wanted to fix all of this mess. It would have cost a fortune."

They both nodded as if they believed me. Then James wandered away to explore the rest of the basement. Sirius tilted his head to the side and stared at me for a moment before doing the same. Once they weren't looking, I let out a long, slow breath. It felt like I had dodged a bullet, but I could still see the damage the shot had caused. I shouldn't have shown them the basement. They were sure to piece everything together. But I put on a blank face and pretended to explore with them.

Around lunchtime, I heard a lot of heavy footsteps upstairs. I told James and Sirius that we'd better go back up, so I could see what was going on. The instant I stepped into the kitchen, mum leapt at me and pulled me into an uncomfortably tight hug. "Remus!" she cried. "Your father and I have been looking all over for you! Where did you and your friends disappear to? You didn't leave without telling me, did you? You know that's against the rules!"

I managed to untangle myself from her crushing embrace. "We didn't leave, mum," I said. "James wanted to see the basement. We've been down there all morning."

"The basement!" she exclaimed. Her eyes were frighteningly wide as she stared at me, trying to understand. "Why did you take your friends into the basement? You know it's dangerous down there! The stairs are broken!" I was impressed by her ability to improvise, and even more impressed by her ability to know that I had needed her to lie for me.

"It was my fault, Mrs. Lupin," James spoke up. "Remus told us it was off limits, but I insisted."

"We were just exploring," Sirius added. "It was just in fun."

Mum looked between the three of us, and then sighed. "Well, thankfully nothing disastrous happened," she supposed. "But I don't want any of you going back down there. It isn't safe."

"Yes mum," I answered quickly. I turned to James and Sirius. "Come on guys. We can go outside. I haven't shown you the backyard yet."

This seemed to excite them, so they were right behind me as I stepped out the back door to our small backyard. There was only one tree in our backyard. When I was six, my father had built a treehouse in that tree, and I hadn't gone up to visit my treehouse in years. Once we were outside, I pointed out the treehouse to my friends, and James literally leapt over me to scramble up the rope ladder first. Sirius was a bit more respectful and waited for me to ascend the ladder before climbing up himself.

Unfortunately, this turned out to be a poor decision on Sirius' part, as James had a reason for wanting to be the first person inside the treehouse. He had a plan, and that plan was to lock the treehouse door on the last person up the ladder. The moment both my feet were on the landing, James pushed me aside, shut the door, threw a locking spell at it, and ran to the window to see the result of his actions.

"Sorry, mate, it had to be done!" James called.

I heard Sirius swear when he tried to open the door. "Oh, you wankers!" he shouted. He pounded on the bottom of the door, swearing louder each time it wouldn't open. Eventually he had enough sense to get out his wand, but James had collapsed over the opening by then, and the hatch wouldn't budge even once it was unlocked. "Potter, you are really starting to piss me off! And what are you doing up there, Lupin? Just having a laugh? Let me in!"

"I doubt I could move him if I tried, Sirius," I said regretfully, though I was holding back laughter. "He's sitting on the door."

James grinned at me and Sirius swore again. He pounded on the door a few more times, but eventually Sirius gave up the effort and abandoned the ladder to find an alternate way into the tree house. Then, only after the retreating footsteps assured us that Sirius was gone, James rolled off the trap door and started laughing hysterically on the floor.

I joined in the laughter but spared a glance out the window to check where Sirius had gone. He was down in the yard, staring up at the tree house with squinted eyes. His eyes locked on mine and Sirius merely shook his head before reaching into his pocket. I don't think his expression changed in the slightest as he tossed the dungbomb up in the air and through the window.

It hit James square in the forehead after I quickly maneuvered out of the way. "Eugh!" he cried, his laughter dying instantly as the smell filled the treehouse. I threw a hand over my nose, but I was still laughing. I could hear Sirius climbing up the ladder while James was distracted.

The door flung open and suddenly Sirius had his hands on his hips and his legs were splayed above the opening triumphantly. He held the pose for a moment before pointing an accusing finger at James and shouting, "Do not challenge me, Potter, for I have skills that you are def—" His words were cut short as he started choking on the foul smelling air.

We all vacated the treehouse and messed around in the yard until the dungbomb cleared. James ended up creating a fort-type structure in my father's shed, claiming it in the name of Portugal, and dared Sirius to "try and penetrate this new fortress."

Of course Sirius accepted the challenge. ("I can penetrate anything!" he exclaimed.) He yanked on my arm and pulled me up into the treehouse, where he proceeded to lock the "castle" door and declare war on Portugal in the name of Zimbabwe. Then Sirius and James began their battle, and the three of us enacted the imaginary land war between Portugal and Zimbabwe for the rest of the afternoon.

I died seven times as a mere soldier, and twice as a general. James and Sirius were the presidents of their respectively chosen countries, and neither died. Unless you count when James was playing the "damsel in distress" that I was supposed to save. I failed my mission, and the damsel perished in my arms as shots fired all around.

It was all quite dramatic. But it was extremely fun. I was sorry when my father cut our game short. He had every reason, though. James _did_ accidentally break our hose while wrestling the "great green snake" that the Zimbabwean ambassadors had set loose in his country.

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><p>*A note from Aquira: As always, remember to review! If the story isn't getting reviews, I don't really have much motivation to keep posting chapters. So let me know what you think :)<p> 


	17. Chapter 17

_*****A note from Aquira:_ This chapter was originally supposed to be posted yesterday, but the schedule I made for myself got upset by a week, so you guys are getting this chapter a day later than planned. I hope you're all still in the Halloween spirit! As always remember to review :D

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><p><strong>Entry #37: Tuesday August 1, 1972 – Six Days After<strong>

"Long ago, in this very cemetery," James began, "the undertaker, Felix, was asked to put up a statue of an angel."

The four of us were situated around the gravestone of Lewis Arbuckle, who had been alive just seven years ago and whose gravestone read "As you are, I was; as I am, you will be." The graveyard in which Lewis was buried was only a mile from James' house. Sirius, Peter, James, and I were supposed to be sleeping there for the night. I would not have responded positively to the invitation had I known this was to be the case.

It was chilly outside, sitting amongst the buried. I rubbed my hands over my crossed arms for warmth as James continued his tale. "The angel was incredibly disturbing, and some people even swore they saw it moving around at night, but Felix denied anything was wrong with the statue," he said. "In fact, Felix was right, as it looked as normal as any other angel statue. But it had a . . . quality about it that made it seem alive, and visitors to the graveyard often got the feeling the angel would steal them away if they stood near it too long.

"Eventually the rumors started. People said the statue was possessed by the ghost of the woman buried beneath it. She had been abused by her husband, died at his hand, and people believed she had come back as a vengeful spirit. Some said if you looked into the statue's eyes after midnight, you would be struck blind. Others swore that, at night, if you stood too close or touched the statue, she would spring to life and crush your body to death before dragging your soul down to hell. And sometimes, people in the graveyard late at night would see all the other ghosts gathering around the statue, as if she were their leader."

Peter squirmed uncomfortably as James' gaze fell on him. "The angel statue was in this graveyard, James?" he wondered in a trembling voice.

Nobody answered him. Instead, James turned his head slightly and stared down the line of headstones. Near the center of the row, about thirty feet from where we were sitting, was a small statue of an angel being used as a grave marker. Peter yipped when he spotted it.

"Let him finish the story, Peter," Sirius complained.

James grinned. "All right, so the statue got really famous because of all the stories, and over the years a local club decided they could use it as a rite of passage. The founders thought they would make the new members sit under the statue for one night, and if they came back the next morning to find the new recruit still there, they could join. One night, the founders brought a hopeful member to the graveyard. The boy's name was Robbie, and he was nineteen. The founders left him there by the statue, laughing about how terrified they would find the boy the next morning all the way back to their safe homes.

"The founders all slept fretfully that night, each one of them dreaming about the statue coming to life and attacking poor Robbie. Not one of them really believed the stories about the statue, so not one of them shared their dreams with the other founders when they met up again to retrieve the boy. They were all confident about what they would find: the boy cold and scared silly, but otherwise unharmed.

"What they did find was Robbie's stiff body sprawled out beneath the statue, and the body of Felix, the undertaker, who appeared to have been trying to pull Robbie away from some sort of danger. Both men seemed to have died from fright, but the founders knew better. They ran out of the graveyard screaming. The next day the statue was moved away, but the ghost of the woman that statue marked may very well have stayed behind."

There was an eerie silence after James finished his tale. Even the bugs and bats seemed to have quieted. Peter glanced at the angel statue down the row with a look of relief on his face, but Sirius was letting his gaze wander all across the graveyard, as if he was trying to find proof that the ghost was around. "Good story, James," Sirius said.

"It's not just a story," James replied. "It actually happened. Here in this graveyard—on the other side of the graveyard, of course. I wouldn't be stupid enough to have us stay near the grave where it all happened."

I rolled my eyes. "Quit saying things like that, or Pete will run out of here and we'll never see him again."

"So it's not true?" Peter asked hopefully.

"It's true!" James insisted. "My grandfather knew Robbie's mother, and that's where I heard the story from. She was very upset and—" I hit him on the arm before he could say more.

Sirius held his hand up. "I've got a story for you guys," he said. "This one really did happen, and it's much scarier than James' story."

"All right, let's hear it," I prodded.

His eyes narrowed at me as Sirius began his tale. "So there used to be a small town called Briar Lune," he said, "and everyone who lived there said it was about the nicest place to live you could find. There was no crime in Briar Lune, hardly anyone got sick, and everyone in that little town would go out of their way to help you out no matter what you needed. A place talked about like that would make people want to move there. Families came from all over to live in Briar Lune.

"The Locke family was one of the last to settle there. Mr. and Mrs. Locke were friendly, and their daughter Jenny was just the right age to start school. The family got along with all their neighbors and little Jenny made friends right away. With such a warm welcome, the Lockes thought that living in Briar Lune was the best thing they had ever done. They were wrong. Shortly after the Lockes were settled into their home was when the mystery started.

"Jenny noticed that her friend Benjamin Morgan had stopped coming to school. He would miss weeks at a time, and then he stopped showing up all together. Concerned, the girl told her parents about it, but Mr. and Mrs. Locke already knew. Everyone was talking about it around town: Ben had apparently gone missing. His father was hardly seen in town anymore, and his mother always seemed devastated when anyone talked to her. It was the worst thing to happen in Briar Lune in a long while—the worst thing probably ever.

"Everyone searched for Benjamin, but nobody found a trace of him. His parents had given up hope. Then, the other children started to go missing. Next it was Tommy Harrington. Then Suzie Barstow. Then Bradley Parker and Tyler Larson on the same day. When Kendra Hawthorne went missing, the people of Briar Lune realized they had to act or all their children would go missing. They decided no child could be left alone without a guardian, and certainly no child could walk the streets alone, night or day.

"What no one realized, though, was that adults had started to go missing, too. It was noticeable when the children disappeared because their parents and their teachers saw them regularly. But there were adults who lived by themselves and couples without children who went on vacation often, and no one missed them right away. People thought the Williams were in Spain and that Julia Crenshaw just hadn't gotten out of her house in a while. They thought Peter Stewart had finally moved to the big city like he had been planning and that Roberta Johansen had gone off to marry that man she talked about who lived one town over.

"But six months after little Benjamin had vanished, the Williams still weren't back from Spain. Julia hadn't gotten out of her house. Roberta never wrote to even her closest friends about the wedding. The people of Briar Lune realized then that the children weren't the only ones being targeted. They continued their investigation, hoping to find a body or at least some sort of clue as to where these people could have gone.

"They found Peter Stewart's body in the woods. He had become a mangled, bloody thing. His chest had been ripped open, and his face was torn to shreds. The only reason they knew it was Peter was because they were able to identify the wand in his hand. He had died fighting whatever had attacked him and apparently his wand hadn't done him much good. After that they started to find the other bodies. Tommy and Suzie were found in the woods as well, and both children were in a similar state to Peter. Kendra and the Williams were found at different spots along the river, just as torn apart as the others but the water had washed away most of the blood. The townsfolk then assumed that the same fate had befallen the other people who had gone missing, and they knew they had a serial killer in their midst."

As Sirius paused for dramatic effect, Peter gasped and James glanced my way. I could tell he was trying to see if I would contradict what Sirius was saying. I knew the story, though. It was true. He hadn't started from the beginning, I assume to make the story more mysterious, but it was the truth. I clenched my jaw and kept my eyes on the grass.

"Their suspicion instantly fell upon one of the Lockes, as they were the last family to move to Briar Lune," Sirius went on. He was glad for the attention we were paying his story. I could see it in his face. "Of course, the Lockes were just as confused as everybody else. They were scared for their daughter and their neighbors, and they resented the accusations being thrown at them. In the end, they had no choice but to keep to themselves in an attempt avoid the hateful glares of everyone else in Briar Lune.

"Little Jenny had it the worst. She still had to go to school with a classroom full of children who thought one of her parents was a murderer. All her friends stopped talking to her, and even the teacher treated her differently. She would have been very lonely had it not been for a boy named Simon Reed. He had been good friends with Benjamin, and on one of the few days Benjamin was in class, he had confided a secret to Simon.

"Now, Simon hadn't said anything yet because he didn't really believe what Benjamin had told him and he had promised not to tell. But now that a bunch of people were dead and everyone thought the Lockes were the murderers, Simon decided to tell Jenny. Apparently Benjamin thought he had been attacked by a monster in his backyard, and that was why his parents had kept him from school for a few weeks. When Benjamin didn't come back to school, Simon knew the monster must have come back. Simon was sure that after Benjamin had died, the monster escaped the Morgans' backyard and was the reason for all the other deaths.

"Jenny believed him right away. She knew it hadn't been her parents, that something else was killing these people. They instantly ran up to the teacher to tell her about the monster but they were just two seven year olds and the teacher thought they were making it up. Jenny argued, but it was no good. The teacher told them to sit down and not talk about this imaginary monster ever again. This response didn't sit well with Simon. He decided they had to prove to the teacher the monster was real, to make up for not telling when Benjamin was still alive. So together, Simon and Jenny hatched a plan to find the monster and capture it.

"The children waited until it was very late at night when their parents were sure to be asleep, and they snuck out of their houses. Since the bodies had been found near the forest, they figured that would be the best place to find the monster. Armed with nothing but a wooden bat and a torch for light, the two children went bravely into the woods, following the path deep into the darkness of the trees.

"At first there was nothing. No sounds, no movement, and no light except for the small fire they had brought with them. Then Jenny heard the snapping of tree branches behind them and she grabbed onto Simon's arm. Carefully he turned around to face the noise. One of the shadows in the trees was slowly moving forward, creeping towards them out of the darkness. They had found their monster.

"Jenny screamed as the monster crept closer. Even on all fours it was a large beast. It had pointed ears and sharp teeth protruding from its snout. The thing's fur was dark and matted with the blood of its victims and it snarled as it stepped into the light of the torch. Both children forgot the plan when they laid eyes on the beast. They began running wildly through the trees, no idea where they were going but knowing they had to get away.

"The beast gave chase so the children ran faster, but they weren't fast enough. The thing opened its mouth wide and clamped its jaw shut on Jenny's ribcage. She felt her bones crack and her blood spill to the ground as it shook her, hard, before throwing her aside. It almost pounced on the girl, but Simon had grabbed the bat when Jenny dropped it and swung it at the beast's head to draw it away.

"It snapped its teeth at the boy and charged. Simon took off at a sprint, running with the beast hot on his heels. He was terrified, but he was glad the monster wasn't attacking Jenny. All the way back to town he ran and all the way back to town the thing followed him. This wasn't part of the plan, but Simon knew he had to do something. He led the beast all the way back to his home and flung open the door on the side of his house that led to the cellar. He stepped aside just as the creature lunged at him, and it howled loudly as it tumbled down the stairs into the cellar. Simon shut the door quickly, locking it with the metal latch.

"He ran inside to wake his parents. Of course they didn't believe Simon that he had trapped a monster in their cellar, but his father humored him and went around to the side of the house. Without even opening the door his father knew Simon was telling the truth. The monster was attacking the door ferociously; they could see the wood starting to splinter as it charged up the stairs again and again. Terrified, Mr. Reed ran back inside to grab his wand. When he came back he ordered Simon to stand back as the beast finally broke through the cellar door. Mr. Reed shot the monster with a strong stunning spell. Now that the thing was unconscious, Mr. Reed was able to tie it up in the cellar.

"They waited until morning to contact the Ministry, which left them plenty of time to find Jenny in the forest and get her to the local Healer. They were told she would be fine.

"When the ministry official got there, Mr. Reed led him around their house and down to the cellar. The official laughed, thinking it a joke when he saw what Mr. Reed was showing him. In the place where the monster had been tied up was a naked Daniel Morgan, little Benjamin's father. A closer look, however, revealed that Mr. Morgan was covered in blood, the area around his mouth especially bloody. It wasn't his blood.

"Mr. Morgan confessed right then and there. He confessed to murdering all the missing people and he confessed to being the monster Simon and Jenny had encountered in the woods. He claimed he didn't remember doing any of it, except turning into the monster.

"They had no choice. Back then, you got rid of people who killed others, and the ministry had never seen anything like Daniel Morgan before. He scared them, worried them, and they wanted to make sure nothing like him ever happened again. So they had him killed, and the people of Briar Lune were freed from their monster. But that was just the beginning. They killed the beast, but not the cause. To this very day that same monster appears in other towns, villages, and cities, plaguing the citizens with its mysterious presence."

All of us were silent. I felt sick. The corners of Sirius' mouth turned into a grin at our lack of audible response. "Spooky, eh?" he finished. "And you all know what that story was, right?"

I swallowed. My mouth had extra saliva from the nausea building in my stomach. I was going to throw up. "It's the werewolf story," James answered for me. "It has to be."

"It is," Sirius replied, nodding in a satisfied way. "The actual origin, the story of the first one, how the disease spread. Daniel Morgan was the first werewolf; he was bitten by a sick wolf in the woods where he killed those people, and the result was his lycanthropy. People think that Mr. Morgan bit Benjamin and gave him the disease, and that afterward he killed his son out of mercy when he realized the illness had spread. In the end, Jenny Locke was the only one of his victims to survive after being attacked, and she got the disease, too. It was because of her that it spread, because no one knew she was sick. Her family moved away after Mr. Morgan was killed, as did many of the other families in Briar Lune, and Jenny took the disease with her."

Peter was shaking. "Is that really how the werewolf started?" he wondered. "It sounded like another scary story to me, and usually scary stories aren't true. How do you know?"

"It's in all the books about werewolf history," I spoke up. "The story usually isn't told like that. Sirius must have put a lot of effort into turning it scary."

"I didn't have to put in too much effort, actually," Sirius said. "It's already kind of a creepy story. All those books just give away the mystery of it when they say Daniel Morgan was bit by a wolf from the beginning."

"The story is meant to be informative," I said. The sick feeling was not going away. "When you tell it like that . . . it just gives people a reason to be afraid of anyone with the disease."

Sirius scoffed at me. "Come off it, Remus. The only reason I told it like that was to get Pete to piss his pants," he retorted. Peter frowned. "I'm not afraid of bloody werewolves, and I'm not trying to make people afraid of bloody werewolves. Besides, it's not like we've got one around here to be worried about."

That made James chuckle a bit. "Yeah Remus. Just lighten up and tell a story already."

I sighed. It was late, and all I wanted to do was go back to James' house and fall asleep on his couch. "I don't know any scary stories," I said.

"Well, then, quit criticizing ours."

All I could do was shake my head. I felt quite ridiculous for not contributing, but my parents had worked very hard to keep me away from any kind of ghost or monster stories. I was only allowed to hear factual stories, things that actually happened. My mother thought it would give me the wrong idea about myself if I heard about made up werewolves running rampant and terrorizing towns.

There wasn't too long of a lull, though, as Sirius and James both decided they wanted to tell more stories, and Pete even worked up the nerve to tell a rather nonthreatening story about a haunted tree.

And yes, we did end up sleeping in that graveyard. It was freezing.


	18. Chapter 18

*****A few words from Aquira: I just want to say thanks to the kind words I've been getting from my reviewers. It means a lot. I'm stick by my entry a week mantra, and if some unforeseen problem arises where I cannot finish the story in the manner I intended, I will at least give it a proper ending. No cliffhangers or anything. You will all know how it ends, one way or another. (Also, I am just now realizing how very LONG this will end up being. I plan on finishing it, don't get me wrong, but I wonder how many chapters I will end up having? Does this site have a limit to how many chapters you can post? I hope not... I'll have over 100 chapters to do this thing right!)

**Entry #38 (Saturday August 19, 1972) – Five Days Before**

Allie's grandfather died. She had to stay in Scotland until just three days ago for the funeral. She wrote to me once she got back home to tell me how difficult a time it was for her family, and that her mother wasn't up to having visitors yet. That meant I wasn't allowed to visit her house after all, but we decided to have our families meet up in Diagon Alley when we went shopping for school so we could see each other.

She told me which day her family was going, which was today. Mum was originally planning on waiting another week, so I had to convince my parents to take me today as well. It didn't take much. All I had to do was let slip that Allie's family would be there, and two minutes later my mum had her shoes on, ushering my father and me into the car. Soon we were wandering the cobblestone street behind the Leaky Cauldron, mum going over the list of supplies I would need.

"Where are we supposed to meet them, son?" my father asked.

I started to walk faster, anxious to get to our destination as quickly as possible. "At Madam Malkin's," I explained.

"Oh, I think we need to stop at Gringotts first," mum said, her tone fretful. "I don't think we have enough Galleons with us to buy everything on the list, and I'd hate to have to make a detour when we run out."

My father laughed at me when I protested. "The boy is impatient to see his girlfriend, Anna," he said. "Remus and I can go find Allie's family, and then you can catch up with us while Remus is getting fitted." Mum had no problem with this plan, though she felt the need to point out that Allie wasn't my girlfriend yet, emphasis on the 'yet,' which made my face go red, and dad laughed some more.

Mum went ahead to the bank while dad and I found the Bonds waiting for us just inside Madam Malkin's. Allie spotted me before I saw her and she ran at me with a hug. I jumped but hugged her back while we exchanged the usual I-missed-yous. When she released me, I saw that it wasn't just her parents waiting with her. Erin and Mitchell were also standing there, and neither of their faces seemed happy. Erin looked incredibly bored, like she would have rather been anywhere besides shopping with her family. Mitchell just looked angry.

"Allie, why are your siblings here?" I asked under my breath.

She raised an eyebrow at me. "Erin still goes to Hogwarts, you dork," she said playfully. "She needs books and everything too. Mitch came to meet his girlfriend. I think she's Head Girl this year, so he wants to take her out to a special dinner or something, but she won't be here until later." Then, as if just remembering the people we were discussing were actually behind her, she turned and greeted my father, making the proper introductions between our parents.

"And where is your wife, John?" Mr. Bond asked.

I could tell my father was uneasy about talking to someone who held himself as Richard Bond did: haughty, and composed in such a way to make him seem all the more important. But dad smiled all the same. "She'll be along shortly," he said. "She stopped at Gringotts to get some extra money." Richard nodded, but apparently couldn't think of anything to say in return. Allie and I glanced awkwardly at each other before Allie had the sense to step forward and suggested we find the shopkeeper.

Madam Malkin wasn't far and she led Allie, Erin, and me to have our measurements taken. Before the robes were over my head, I saw my mother slip in the door. She introduced herself to Allie's family and was quick to strike up a conversation with Silvia, which left my father to continue his attempted small talk with Richard. Mitchell continued to hover near the sales counter, admiring a pair of gloves on display.

"Your dad doesn't seem to like my dad much," I noted to Allie when Madam Malkin had fumbled over towards Erin.

"Yeah, well, my dad doesn't like much of anything," Allie said.

"He just seems so . . ." I couldn't think of the word.

"Unpleasant?" she offered, looking at the mirror instead of me. "How do you think Mitch and Erin ended up the way they did? My father taught us all to be unpleasant just like him." She made a face at her reflection, clearly displeased. Whether the displeasure was aimed at the loose-fitting robes, or something else, I wasn't sure.

I opened my mouth to argue what she had said, but Madam Malkin finished Erin's robes and moved over to Allie, distracting her with questions. A second witch came out from the back to help with my robes, and I decided to save the rest of our conversation until later.

Eventually we both had our new robes done and paid for, so we moved on to the next shop. As we walked, mum continued to chat with Silvia, and Richard ignored my father to lecture Erin about how many classes she had dropped for NEWT level. Mitchell wandered behind us, evidently still annoyed that he even had to tag along at all. I wondered aloud why he didn't go off by himself, and Allie rolled her eyes. "I think he's really here to watch you," she told me. "He's being overprotective because he thinks you're a bad influence."

"Me?"

She nodded. "It's because of James and Sirius. He thinks you're just like them. I told him you weren't, but he wants to decide for himself. So I'm fairly certain you're being surveilled by my brother right now."

"Fantastic," I said, glancing over my shoulder. Sure enough, Mitchell was watching us as we talked, giving me a scrutinizing look.

Allie was quiet for a moment. She looked back at her brother, then again at me, the look on her face clearly expressing mischief. "If he's going to be stalking us, he could at least be less obvious about it. We _have_ to mess with him." Before I could wonder what she meant, she grabbed my wrist and started running. "But I think we're going to get in trouble if we leave, Remus!" she shouted as I stumbled along after her. I saw her parents turn and watch us run away, looking just as confused as I felt. My father was grinning at my mother in amusement, and then Allie and I were around the corner and we couldn't see them anymore.

We finally stopped running when we reached a wooden bench, and Allie fell onto it, pulling me down next to her. "I have wanted to ditch my family since before we got here," she said, a little out of breath.

"You know we have to go back eventually," I said. "We have to get our books and—"

"No, that's the best part," she argued. "We don't have to go back until we're ready to leave. I know Erin won't let my parents stop shopping for her list just because I ran off, so my parents will buy my things while they're buying Erin's things. And I bet your parents will go along with them and get your things. Everything will get done without us."

Her reasoning was convincing, and she seemed so happy to be away from her family, so I just smiled at her despite my lingering reservations. "Well what do we do now?" I asked. "We've got the whole afternoon."

Allie thought about it for all of a second before declaring, "Let's get ice cream."

Before I knew it, she had me by the hand again and was leading me down the cobblestone street, keeping a close eye out for our families until we could hide in the ice cream parlor. I tried to protest when she offered, but Allie bought an ice cream cone for me along with hers. We found a seat in the back corner where we could enjoy our dessert and, more importantly, where we could hide for the rest of the afternoon.

"Allie, why exactly did we run away?" I had to ask once our ice cream was finished and our conversation about our summers had lulled. "You never really said. Wasn't the point of this day for me to meet your parents?"

"You met them," she grumbled, obviously not happy with the subject change. "Enough of them, anyway. They really don't get much more complex than that. Mum can be polite to your face but, knowing her, she'll say a bunch of rude things about your mum later tonight, just because that's how she is. Then dad . . . Dad assumes he's better than everyone else. He talks down to anyone who isn't his boss. And both of them have tried their hardest to make sure their kids are the exact same way."

I stared at her and remembered what she had been saying in the robe shop. "You think you're like them, don't you?"

She hesitated. "I don't think I am . . . not anymore, at least," Allie said. "Really, I owe that to you. I mean, all my life my father has told me Rachel is supposed to be my best friend because her dad is his biggest client. Erin and Mitch both have friends like that too; those are their only friends, to be honest. I think that's why they turned out like mum and dad. That's all they know. But being your friend, Remus, has shown me the type of people I want in my life. I don't want to be surrounded by superficial people who are only using each other to get ahead. I already have a family like that. For friends, I want people like you, who are accepting and supportive, and don't have to be told to like me."

She squeezed my wrist then, and when our eyes met she didn't look away. "You're not like your parents, Allie," I told her.

"I know," she said, smiling. She was sitting closer to me than I was used to. Her hand was still on my wrist. Then she moved her hand the same moment I moved mine, and our fingers wove together. She leaned her head against my shoulder. "I'm glad school starts soon. We can see each other every day again."

My first instinct was to stop breathing, to remain perfectly still and hope the issue would deal with itself, that she would move and I wouldn't have any decisions to make. But Allie didn't move and I found I was incredibly unprepared to handle the situation. Later I realized I could have leaned my head against hers. I could have kissed her, even just on the cheek or the forehead. I could have told her how I really felt about her. The moment seemed right for all of those things, but I couldn't bring myself to actually do any of them. Instead I said, "Want to look around the shops?" in the least awkward tone I could manage.

Allie seemed confused for a moment, but agreed. We left the ice cream parlor and wandered around Diagon Alley, keeping a careful lookout for our parents. We visited the Daily Prophet offices and were quickly shooed away when the receptionist discovered we didn't actually have a reason to be there. Once Allie thought she saw her brother, so we made a brief detour through Knockturn Alley and we were lost for a good ten minutes before we found our way back to the main street.

Then we went into the second hand robes shop, and Allie made up a game where we found the worst possible dress robes for the other person to try on. I believe I lost that game, as the robe I was forced to model was a rather garish salmon color, adorned with the oddest assortment of buttons along each seam, and sized for what had to have been a troll. The worst I could find for her was an acid green robe with orange splatters along the bottom, most likely stains from the previous owner, and she actually looked decent in it.

Our next destination was the junk shop, where Allie found several interesting items to place on my head, such as broken jewelry box lids, tangled up necklace chains, lampshades, and an umbrella, but not a single hat. All of the hats were apparently "wrong for my complexion," whatever that means, and a lampshade was much more appropriate to be situated atop my head.

The last place we stopped was the Magical Menagerie, and it was a good thing we saved it for last as Allie had no intention of leaving once we were inside. She fell in love every time we looked at a different tank or cage, and I had to remind her on several occasions that she already had an owl to take with her to Hogwarts. I think we spent an hour in that store just looking at all the different animals, and then another twenty minutes talking to the store clerk about which creature made for better pets. I did not participate in this conversation. Instead, I waited patiently while Allie and the shopkeeper gossiped about animals, watching the rats by the counter perform their tricks.

Eventually I managed to convince Allie that our parents were probably done shopping at this point, and we left the menagerie to find them. When we did find them, Allie's father instantly started shouting at her, while my mum ran up to me and pulled me into a forceful hug. Dad pried her off me, assuring her that I was fine and didn't need to be smothered.

Allie's father continued to yell, and I felt a bit sorry, even though she had been the one to take me on that detour. She rolled her eyes in my direction, an act that angered her father even more, and he pulled her aside to have a more private conversation. I watched them argue, not really listening as my mother began to ramble off everything they had bought while I was gone.

I didn't even see Mitchell approach me then, but my mother did, and stopped in the middle of her babbling. He asked me to step away from my parents, saying he "wanted to have a few words with me."

Nervously, I complied. Mitchell put a hand on my shoulder and I stared up at him, remembering what Allie had told me. I was slightly intimidated. I needn't have worried, however, as he didn't have much to say. "You're not a bad kid, Lupin. I see that now," he told me. "I can guess Allie made you run off with her like that, and I don't think you're the mastermind behind the pranks Sirius and James pull at Hogwarts. Maybe my sister is the bad influence on _you_." He gave a slight chuckle. "Look out for her, okay?"

"Of course," I said stupidly, not sure I had heard him right. He smiled and walked over to his mother, where he told her something before walking down the street. I assumed he was going to meet his girlfriend.

Allie got away from her father and told me her family was leaving, but she assured me she would save me a seat on the Hogwarts Express. She hugged me goodbye and our families went our separate ways.

"You know, I rather liked Silvia," mum said once we were in the car. "We had a lot to talk about. I think we should have them over for dinner some time."

"I don't think so, dear," dad said. "That Dick wasn't really my cup of tea."

"John!" my mother exclaimed. "There is no reason for language like that, even if the man was a bit unpleasant."

Dad grumbled. "Dick is a perfectly acceptable nickname for Richard. No matter how accurate the connotation may be . . ."

Mum continued to scold him some more, but I tuned them out. All I could think of was September 1, when I could see her again.

**Entry #39 (Friday September 1, 1972) – Eight Days After**

I can't help comparing today's train ride to the ride I took one year ago. It was different from the start. Instead of worrying and fretting when we drove to the station, mum and dad were calm, as this time around they were sending me someplace I wanted to go, someplace they felt I would be safe. That didn't stop mum from crying, or dad from making too many bad jokes, but it was an improvement on last year.

Once I was on the train, I wandered down the compartments searching for a familiar face or an empty seat. Allie had said she would save me a spot on the train, so I decided to find her first. I didn't get far before a compartment door was flung open on my right and I was tackled to the ground by James Potter.

"You almost walked right past us," he scolded, and I craned my neck to see Sirius and Peter sitting in the compartment James had leapt from.

"You didn't really give me a chance to stop and see you," I said.

James got off me and helped me to my feet. Knowing I had no other options, I hoisted my trunk into their compartment, hoping Allie would come find me later. The guys pulled out a Fanged Frisbee from one of their trunks and, despite the cramped space, I spent the first part of the train ride keeping away from the snarling thing while I attempted to read my new Transfiguration book. I kept glancing at the compartment window, hoping to see Allie's face, but none of the passersby were her.

Eventually, Sirius tossed the Frisbee directly at me and I had to maneuver quickly to avoid injury. "Oi! Put the book away, Remus. We only saw you a few times over the summer. You can read when you get to class. Talk to us."

Reluctantly, I put my book aside, leaving the Frisbee where it had hooked itself to the seat. It had been a half hour and Allie still hadn't come to find me. I should have been grateful to be sitting with my other friends, and I was slightly angry with myself for wishing all three of them would suddenly turn into just her. "What are we supposed to be talking about?" I asked, trying to figure out where they were in their conversation.

"We're talking about summers," James said. "What did you do over the summer when Sirius and I stopped gracing you with our presence?"

"I saw Allie twice," I said, because she was still in the front of my mind. "But mainly I spent time with my parents. It wasn't very exciting."

"You only saw Allie twice?" Sirius asked. "Did you two have another fight? Is that why she isn't sitting with us?"

"I'm not attached to her at the hip, Sirius," I replied, and James sniggered. "And we didn't have a fight. She's probably sitting with Rachel in another compartment."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I hate Rachel. She's so rude. Why does someone like Allie spend time with someone as nasty as Rachel? I don't get it."

"Their fathers are business partners, or something," I said. I remembered Allie's words from our time in Diagon Alley, where she had called me a better friend than Rachel. Talking with Sirius then, it did seem odd that Allie had chosen to sit with Rachel over me, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed she was sitting with Brittany and Lily.

The guys then told me about the rest of their summers. Apparently James had gone skiing with his family and got sunburned from the sun reflecting off the snow. If you looked closely, you could still see the faint outline of his ski goggles around his glasses, which Sirius pointed out mercilessly. To retaliate, James told everyone about the embarrassing fight Sirius had lost to his younger brother, and soon the conversation had deteriorated to each of us confessing all of our mortifying summer experiences. Sirius and James had many more stories, while Peter and I tried our best to keep up. We simply didn't cause enough chaos in our own lives to humiliate ourselves on a regular basis.

We continued that way until it was time to change into our robes. When we reached Hogsmeade station soon after, I had completely forgotten that Allie never came to find me. The guys and I found a carriage to ride up to the castle, and once we were in the Great Hall Sirius was pleased to find that our usual seats at the Gryffindor table were free.

I was about to reply to James' comment on how short the first years seemed as they were shuffled into the hall by McGonagall, but a pair of hands fastened over my eyes and a familiar voice said, "Guess who?"

"Allie!" I said, a little too excitedly. Only then did I remember I was supposed to have seen her much earlier than that moment.

She didn't move her hands. "Nope. It couldn't be Allie, because Allie is mad at you for not sitting with her on the train like you promised."

I sighed, unlatching her fingers from my face. "I'm sorry," I said as she took the seat next to me. The sorting was starting, so I brought my voice down to a whisper. "James made me sit with them. I thought you would come find me when I didn't show up."

Allie rolled her eyes, but she was grinning. "I'm not really mad. And you probably wouldn't have wanted to sit with me anyway. Rachel was in the compartment too, and she got in another argument with Molly. It would have been just like last year, and I wouldn't want you to sit through that again."

"Thanks for sparing me."

Someone hushed us from down the table, and Allie held back a giggle before turning to watch the ceremony. Sirius made a few choice comments about the attractiveness of the new Gryffindors, wondering if he was allowed to trade with Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff. However, he refused to trade with Slytherin, no matter how fit the girl, because he was convinced he was related to practically everyone in that house. From what he's told me about his family and other purebloods, he's probably right.

The feast began and everyone ate their fill. Dumbledore gave his usual speech covering the rules of Hogwarts and recommended we enjoy the weekend we had ahead of us before he dismissed us from the hall.

James and Sirius raced each other up the stairs, blowing past the first years that were following like lost ducklings behind Heidi Kingston, one of this year's prefects. Thinking them funny, Peter ran to try and keep up with them, but I didn't bother. I continued up the stairs at my slow pace, with Allie by my side. I wanted to grab her hand, but somehow I felt I had forfeited that privilege when I had let her hand go in Diagon Alley just a few weeks ago.

It didn't bother me, though. I was still spending time with her again, and I didn't need to be holding her hand to make it important. I'm looking forward to the nice, long weekend with Allie before classes actually start.


	19. Chapter 19

**Entry #40 (Thursday September 7, 1972) – Fourteen Days After**

So far this year, classes have been the usual monotonous introductory lessons. Even Professor McGonagall didn't get into anything new, though she spent a lengthy amount of time explaining just how much new material we were to cover during the year. As such, it has been a rather boring week, and my friends have been the only bright spot. James and Sirius never fail to make a slow class interesting with some hijink or another, and I have Allie one chair over to endure it all with to me.

Defense Against the Dark Arts today changed that routine. When we walked in the room, we were not greeted by the usual blasé delivery of "Take your seats" from Professor Arquette. Instead, a low, male voice instructed, "Sit down, and take out your books."

James raised an eyebrow to the man standing in the front of the room, where our old teacher usually presided. "You're not Professor Arquette," he said.

"What a brilliant observation," said our new teacher sardonically. "I'm sure you want a reason, so here it is: Your former teacher has taken a leave of absence, but I am led to believe this change will be permanent. My name is Douglas Coyle, but you are to call me 'Professor Coyle,' or 'Sir.' Even just 'Professor' will suffice."

Slightly taken aback, James glanced at Sirius, to see what he was thinking. They came to a silent agreement as they found their seats, the expressions obvious on their faces. I wondered what was going on in their heads. "Where'd she go?" Sirius asked obstinately.

"Pregnant, I believe the Headmaster said," Coyle explained. He strode over to his desk and looked over his notes. "Best not dwell on the subject, however. It is of no importance to my ability to teach you. Let us move on to the lesson."

When he taught, he did not take the time to talk about our schedule for the year. He didn't waste time taking attendance or getting to know each of us or reviewing what had been learned the previous year. Instead, he started right into a lecture on recently popular curses, and we all struggled to keep up with notes.

James and Sirius didn't take notes. They sat, staring at Professor Coyle, judging every movement he made, every word he said. When they looked back at me, I shrugged at them. I knew they wanted me to agree with their opinion of him, but I was more impressed than offended with his teaching style. Professor Arquette had never managed to gain the upper hand with them if they ever pulled something in class, and this new teacher had reigned them in during the first minute of meeting them. That was the real reason they disliked him, I was sure, but I kept my mouth shut and ignored the paper messages they threw my way requesting my help in "bringing him down a few pegs."

My lack of cooperation didn't stop them, however. They asked obnoxious questions about whether certain wand movements could be construed as sexually explicit, played dumb and requested he simplify even the most basic instructions, and made mistakes on purpose, all to test how Coyle would react to their heckling.

It didn't faze him one bit. He refused to even crack a smile at their dirty wand jokes, told them they would have to invest extra time studying after class if they were really having difficulty understanding the subject, and gave them, and only them, homework for the night to make up for all the mistakes in class. We have the class again tomorrow, so they didn't even have the option of putting it off until the weekend like our other homework assignments. I'm almost certain Professor Coyle knew what they were trying to accomplish, as I don't think he would have been so rude to any other student. In fact, he was friendly and encouraging to the rest of us as class ended.

"That man is such a git," Sirius said as we walked out of the classroom. He, James, and Peter had caught up to Allie and me in the hallway. "What gives him the right to act so pompous?"

"I thought he was interesting," Allie offered. "And he knew a lot more about curses than Professor Arquette did last year."

That didn't change Sirius' opinion. "Still. He gave James and me homework and he didn't give it to anyone else. Just because he can't take a joke . . ."

I made the comment that Flitwick often gave out exclusive homework when someone wasn't performing as well as others, but Sirius didn't pay attention. James then voiced his own negative feelings towards Professor Coyle and together they began planning ways to embarrass our new teacher the next time we had class with him.

While they schemed, Allie gave me a look to warn me against partaking in any of what they were planning, and I bumped her arm for accusing me of such evils. We grinned at each other and, as Defense had been our last class for the day, led the way up to the common room, where we finished what little homework we had and failed to get Sirius and James to do the same. They were dead set on plotting Professor Coyle's downfall, with or without me, so I had a reasonably quiet evening without them.

**Entry #41 (Sunday September 24, 1972) – One Day After**

Yesterday afternoon, I sat in a vacant corner of the common room, attempting to get some homework done before I had to go to the Hospital Wing to meet Madam Pomfrey. It was quite the difficult task, as I had to work through my star charts, feeling extremely ill, while keeping an eye out for James and Sirius. James had gone down to the Quidditch pitch to practice for team tryouts being held next weekend, and Sirius had gone with him, but I was worried they would come back before I could make it out the portrait hole, and I would have to answer questions about where I was going.

I kept glancing up from my work, hoping to avoid them if I saw them, but the afternoon went by and they didn't come back from the field. With just twenty minutes until I had to leave, it felt like I was in the clear, and I would be able to save all their prying questions until the morning, when the moon would be waning again, and my thoughts would be comprehensible.

This was when Allie found me. She had a strange look on her face, like she was only pretending to smile, and I understood it instantly. This was the first month she would know why I had disappeared for the night, the first time she would actually have to think about it since I told her my secret. I'm sure she had wondered over the summer, when the moon was full, what I was going through, but I hadn't been close enough to her for any substantial emotions to register. Now that we were back in school, though, it would be ever so present, and I knew her. She wouldn't be able to ignore the terrible feeling in her stomach that often came with worry.

"How are you feeling?" Allie asked.

"Sick," I admitted as she took a seat next to me.

She frowned. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Not really," I said. I hadn't even turned towards her, not wanting her to see just how pale I was getting.

Allie acted almost confused then, and she held her hands carefully at her sides, not daring to touch me. I wondered what was going on in her head. She had vowed to conquer her fears of my condition, but how much had she accomplished in that regard? Did she think I would transform at any second? That I would bite her? That I would infect her if she so much as rested her hand on my arm? Seeing her face when I finally looked up, I instantly regretted such accusatory thoughts. She was confused, yes, but not because she was afraid. Her confusion stemmed from _my_ behavior, I realized. I was sitting alone in a corner, giving short answers to her concerned questions, so I couldn't blame her for being cautious. She was worried she wasn't supposed to touch me, that I didn't want her to touch me. I didn't know how to tell her otherwise.

Eventually the need to comfort me overcame her, and Allie threw her arms around me in a tight embrace. Surprised, I hugged her back as she buried her face in my shoulder. It occurred to me that she was crying, from the wet spot I could feel growing on my sleeve, and I pulled back to look her in the eyes. "Why on earth are you crying?" I wondered playfully, wiping at a stray tear stuck halfway down her cheek.

She tried to smile at me. "I'm just thinking too much," Allie said. "About tonight. I get so upset that you're out there all alone, with no one to stop you from hurting yourself. It's like leaving a puppy in a cage and not caring when it cuts its mouth open chewing on the bars. I don't think it's right."

"Allie," I almost laughed. "I am nothing like a puppy in a cage."

"You're close enough to one," she argued. I could tell she really believed what she was saying to me. "I mean, you have a general dog shape and . . . dogs howl at the moon and . . ." Allie struggled to find any more similarities between a puppy and myself, screwing up her face with determination, but she couldn't think of anything. "Just believe me when I say you're like a puppy, okay?"

"I think you're just being stubborn," I said, grinning. "You don't want to admit your metaphor was ridiculous, so you're stretching everything to make it fit."

"No I'm not," she said. Her tone was all seriousness, but I could tell from her quavering mouth that she was trying to hold back a smile. "And actually, it was a simile."

I scowled teasingly at her insolence, ruffling her hair. "Actually, it was an analogy," I countered.

"You just don't want me to be right about anything," she accused, pointing a finger in my face. "You can't handle being wrong."

"I'm not wrong because I'm not a puppy, Allie!" I insisted, actually laughing now.

She was smiling still, but she wasn't laughing. I quieted when I noticed her face soften, her eyes becoming misty like she was about to cry again. "I know you're not," Allie said. I had to strain to hear her. "But you are _my_ puppy. That's how I see you. Innocent. Gentle. That's who you are to me, inside and out."

Touched, and somewhat overwhelmed to see that she really had conquered her fear of my condition, I stayed still, not sure what to do with the warmth building in my chest. There was nothing expressive enough that I felt comfortable doing, so I just stared at her, stared into her perfectly blue eyes, and hoped she would be able to sense my gratitude without words.

Allie swallowed. "So . . . what's it like?" she wondered carefully, to cut the tension growing around us. Her hand found mine under the table.

I didn't have to ask what she meant. "Painful," I said. I felt her hand squeeze tighter, and I gratefully returned the pressure. "That's the only thing I ever remember. Everything else is gone when I wake up. I don't remember the biting, or the claws, or the howling. I don't even remember transforming, really. I just remember that it hurt, and that I'll have to endure it all over again in another month."

Allie was silent, but what could she have said? There weren't words to make it better. Sighing, I checked my watch, and told her that I had to leave for the Hospital Wing. She choked, very close to crying again, and gave me a fierce hug. When she pulled back, she looked into my eyes and cupped a hand on my cheek. "Don't hurt yourself too bad, okay Puppy?" Allie said.

I covered her hand with mine. Now that she said it out loud, with such sincerity, I found I rather liked the nickname. "I'll try my best."

I gathered my things and left her sitting at that lonely table, to meet with Madam Pomfrey and face my night in the Shrieking Shack. As usual, I injured myself severely, this time on my torso near my ribcage. I woke up to the nurse fixing my bandages, clucking at how slowly my broken ribs were healing. I must've really shattered them.

When she noticed my eyes were finally open, Madam Pomfrey gave me a warm smile. Her eyes flicked to her left momentarily, and then focused back on me. "Don't try to sit up," she cautioned. "It won't do your bones any good. Just stay as you are, and call me if you need anything."

As she bustled off to her office, I glanced over to what she had been looking at, to make sure it wasn't something I should have been worried about. What I saw was Allie, relaxing on her chair, reading a book. She always finds the oddest ways to sit, I've noticed, and she didn't look comfortable with her legs crossed, positioned sideways in the chair with her back against the arm rest. "What are you reading?" I asked to get her attention.

Her face beamed at seeing me awake, and she ignored my question to jump up and hug me. Either the nurse hadn't warned her of my injuries, or she had forgotten in her exuberance. I assumed it was the latter and winced audibly from the pain in my ribs. "Oops!" she cried, letting go immediately. "Are you okay?"

"Broken ribs don't feel too great, but other than that I'm fine," I told her. Then I paused, having some difficulty picking my words. "It's really nice to have you here when I wake up."

She grinned. "I'll try to make it more often, then," Allie promised.

We spent the rest of the afternoon together in the Hospital Wing. Allie read to me from her book, spouting off about how being read a story seemed to help terminal patients in the hospital her grandfather was in, and I listened, thankful for her company. I loved the sound of her voice as she spoke, and I don't think she minded that I drifted off to sleep quite a few times throughout the day, or that we had to be hidden behind a curtain half the time when other students needed to see the nurse. I think Allie was just happy I hadn't managed to kill myself overnight.

When she finally left, as the nurse was making me stay the night again because of my ribs and visiting hours were over, Madam Pomfrey gave me a funny look as she put up my curtain. "I think that was a fantastic idea of hers," the nurse commented idly, switching over to adjust my bedding. "I haven't seen you ever act so healthy the morning after a moon. Though I'm not so sure it was because of the book."

Her eyes were twinkling when I looked at her, and I didn't say anything. I knew exactly what she was implying, and denying it had never earned me any success in the past. "I like that I have someone who visits me now," I said instead. "I mean . . . someone who _can_ visit me."

"I like that too, Remus," Madam Pomfrey said. "Miss Bond is a very lovely girl, and you deserve a bit of that in your life."

As the nurse wandered back to her office to prepare for bed, I wondered if she would have the nerve to treat any of her other patients as she treated me. She saw me often enough that I felt she really understood me, and that was probably a first for a nurse stationed in such a large school like Hogwarts. It was rare she saw any particular patient more than a handful of times before they graduated, but I was a special case. Was it wishful thinking to assume the nurse liked me more than my classmates merely because she talked to me more?

I didn't dwell on the idea for long before my thoughts drifted back to Allie, and I made sure the lights were off in Madam Pomfrey's office before taking out my notebook from my book bag to write about her and how right the nurse had been to call her 'lovely.'

* * *

><p><em>Another blow<em>, Tonks thought, taking her eyes off the pages. Something Remus had written about nicknames halfway through the entry had given her pause, but she hadn't been able to understand why until the words had sunk in and the memory had resurfaced.

During the time before they were married, after she had confessed her feelings but well before Remus had accepted her affection, there had been a day. It was just like any of the many other days she spent as a part of the Order, with Dumbledore coming in and out to give information and people bustling every which way with business to attend to. On this particular day, Kingsley had asked her to take a report to Sirius, and Tonks had agreed, hoping the task would give her an opportunity to speak to Remus. He hadn't quite shunned her at that point, and she looked forward to the little moments she got to spend with him.

When she stepped into Grimmauld Place, she collided with Arthur on his way out the door. Straightening his jacket while she apologized, he gave her a fatherly smile and said, "Remus is down in the kitchen, Tonks."

Startled by the insinuation, she balked. "I'm actually here to see Sirius," she replied, feeling the heat on her face. She knew that everyone had already noticed her change in demeanor towards the werewolf, but she had been trying so hard, mainly due to Remus' insistence, to keep their growing relationship a secret.

Arthur raised an eyebrow. "Sirius is down there, too," he said briskly, gently moving her so he could step outside. He must have been in a hurry to get to the Ministry.

Still a little flustered, Tonks made her way down the stairs until she was in the basement kitchen of their headquarters. Sirius was sitting at the table with his back to the door, Remus sitting next to him. Remus, however, could see her enter the room and glanced her way, his eyes brightening slightly before he quickly looked down at the table. There was a redness spreading over his face that Sirius instantly noticed, and he turned around to see who had joined them.

"Ah, Tonks," Sirius said, leaning back in his chair. He stretched out his arms and folded his hands behind his head, staring at his friend with a supercilious expression on his face. "I take it you're here to see Moony. Don't take his awkwardness the wrong way. I'm sure he's thrilled you've come to call."

"I'm here for you," she replied, more than a little annoyed. Sirius had made a habit of being in the room whenever Remus was alone with her, to eavesdrop and add unwelcome comments to their conversations, and she felt his interference was intentional, like he didn't have anything better to do but involve himself in Remus' love life. Then she realized that was probably the case, or that Remus had requested his presence all those times, and she didn't chuck the stack of papers at him as she had intended to do. Instead, she handed the papers over politely, specifying that Kingsley had asked her to deliver them.

Sirius took them and turned a few pages, glossing over the words. "A report he's handing in about my whereabouts," he explained, grinning to Remus, who hadn't asked, or done much of anything besides toy with the knots on the table since Tonks entered the room. "Apparently they don't have any more leads in Tibet and think I've gone to Nova Scotia. Kingsley's asking the Minister to send a few Aurors over to Canada to conduct a search."

Realizing his friend expected a response, Remus gave a small laugh. "I'm sure Fudge will just contact the Minister over there," he reasoned with a smile. "He wouldn't spare any of our Aurors oversees just to catch you."

"I think he would!" Sirius argued. "I am a very important criminal, after all. Top priority! What do you say, Tonks? Maybe you'll get shipped off on a wild goose chase with the Mounties. Sound like fun?"

Tonks rolled her eyes before taking a seat next to Remus at the table. "I'm not in Kingsley's department," she said coolly.

Mischievous eyes danced between the two of them as Sirius observed how very close she had chosen to sit next to Remus. "I think I'll read the rest of this in my room," he said with a wink.

Before Remus could say anything to stop him, Sirius was out of the room and up the stairs. They were very much alone. He turned to look at Tonks and smiled. "Is that the only reason you came?" he wondered. His tone was hard to place, and she wondered what answer he was hoping for.

"Yes," she said. "But I might stay a bit longer."

When Remus fell silent, Tonks sighed, realizing that yet again it would fall on her shoulders to keep the moment going. She wasn't sure if his lack of conversational skills had more to do with the apprehension he felt about her, or the actual affection he was trying to repress. Either way, he wasn't able to talk without provocation, and she was willing to accept the challenge.

"So I've never heard Sirius call you by that nickname before," she commented. "Moony. It's interesting. Is it from school?"

"Yeah," he said, the corners of his mouth turning up as he remembered something. "I think it was right before third year when James came up with it."

"Is it because the moon turns you into a giant, vicious beast?" she asked, trying to keep the mood playful. His face changed then, very briefly, before he was able to close off all emotion from his expression. She worried she had said the wrong thing and quickly backtracked. "Sorry. Bad word choice. Is it because the moon turns you into a giant, cuddly puppy?"

Her tone was even more lighthearted, hoping to make him laugh, but this comment seemed to hurt him more than the first. The pain on his face certainly lasted longer this time before he wiped it blank again. "Please don't call me that," he said, more quiet than she was used to. "Vicious beast is much more accurate." He paused and gave her a long look, his brain whirring behind those hardened eyes. He seemed entirely back to normal when he spoke again. "But to answer your question, yes, that's exactly why they called me Moony. James had all sorts of little codes for my condition after they found out. 'My furry little problem,' 'going moony,' 'shacking up . . .' That last one was Sirius' favorite. If I had a Sickle for every time he said we were going to shack up for the night . . ."

Tonks had laughed at the time, accepting the strange moment as a rare bout of self-pity from Remus and letting him carry on as if nothing had happened. Now she knew otherwise. Allison had called him 'Puppy' and he had enjoyed it. Even though she still didn't know what had happened between the two of them, Tonks finally realized she had hurt him far worse than she could have possibly comprehended with that comment. It had been so early in their relationship, and now she was shocked he had allowed their relationship had continued at all.

More than anything, Tonks wanted to skip to the end of the diary, to read the conclusion, to know what he was hiding from her about Allison. But she felt it was important for her to know the whole story. The in-between parts were providing more insight into her husband than she ever could have hoped for, and she would just have to be patient and wait for the rest to unfold.


	20. Chapter 20

**_***A few words from Aquira:_**

1. I am _SO SORRY_ this chapter has been delayed so long! I know I promised a chapter every week, but sometimes every bad thing happens at once. I suppose it's not all "bad" per se, but all of it was time consuming. First, work got super intense. I've been working nearly 60 hours a week to get everything done on schedule, and those extra hours took a lot out of my free time. I appreciate the money but it's hard to find time to write when I leave early and get home late. Second, I was incredibly ill for about a week, and didn't do much of anything besides sleep or drink tea by the fireplace, so that took a lot out of me. Third, when I finally did get time to write, our internet stopped working. I think the repair guy said the nearest server had been damaged or something, so I didn't have internet access for several days while they fixed it. I hope you can forgive me for life getting in the way of what I would rather be doing!

2. To the reviewer who wants to marry this story: When is the wedding? I can't wait to see my precious little story walk down the aisle! *sniff*

3. I hope I will be able to get another chapter out by next week, but I can't promise anything. Maybe 10 days? Work is still really hectic, so I'll try my darndest to make time to write so my loyal readers won't have to wait quite so long to read more :)

4. As always, read, review, and enjoy!

* * *

><p><strong>Entry #42 (Sunday October 1, 1972) – Seven Days After<strong>

This morning, I was woken up by a pillow being knocked repeatedly over the side of my head. When my eyes were finally open, I grabbed the pillow from the assailant, who turned out to be James, and rammed it into his stomach. Not hard. Just enough to get the point across that I didn't appreciate being woken up in such an obnoxious manner.

"What did you do that for?" he complained, hunching over to shield his middle from another blow.

I knew I hadn't actually hurt him, so I just rolled my eyes at his theatrics and set the pillow aside. "Why do you always hit me with a pillow to wake me up?" I countered.

There was a brief silence as he considered my question. "I'm nervous," James said at last, his tone contemplative.

"So you hit me with a pillow?"

"No, I hit you with the pillow because it doesn't really hurt when I hit you with it, and it's still effective at waking you up," he explained. "I thought your real question was why I woke you up at all, so I gave you that answer. I'm nervous. About tryouts."

"Oh," I said, glancing around the room. Only then did I realize that the sun hadn't quite risen, and all of our dormmates were still fast asleep. No wonder I was so tired. "Why didn't you wake Sirius up?"

Frowning, James sat down at the foot of my bed. He looked quite vulnerable really and, even though he had woken me up so rudely, I knew I could have been more sensitive. "Sirius won't make me feel any better about it," he admitted. "He kind of makes it worse. I know he means well, but all he does is give me another expectation to live up to. Sirius assumes I'm going to make the team, so I feel like I'm letting him down too if I don't make it."

I didn't know what he expected me to say. Except for planning Sirius' birthday party last year, I hadn't talked to James by myself before. At least not about anything important. Even when we were planning the party, Peter had been with us, so that didn't actually count either. I couldn't help going over all the time I had spent with any of my friends, wondering if this was a pattern of some sort. When it dawned on me that they always hung out with me in a group, I suddenly felt disconnected from James, and from Sirius and Peter, and I wanted to change that.

"Well, why are you so nervous about it?" I asked, making it a question for him to actually consider and not just some hypothetical encouragement. I wanted to help him, and I hoped I was going about it the right way. "I mean, you're a good Quidditch player, so why don't you think you can make the team?"

James gave me slight smile. "There's only one position available on the team this year," he said. "It's for Chaser, which is the position I want, but how much of a chance do I really stand if everyone else is trying out for that position too? Darryl already doesn't like me, and Daniel is trying out too, so of course the captain will pick his brother. I have everything going against me."

"All right, I'm not going to tell you it's going to be easy," I tried. "But you're passionate about playing on the team, so I know you'll put up a fight. And if you don't make it, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. You've got a lot going against you. So if you get the position, then that will be fantastic, but if you don't, you didn't stand much of a chance anyway. I'm not trying to make it sound like tryouts don't matter, because I know they're important to you, but I don't think the results matter. Whatever you do will have been your best effort, so there's nothing to worry about, really."

"So you're telling me not to worry about how hard tryouts are going to be, because tryouts are going to be hard anyway, so why fight it?" James cocked an eyebrow at me, and I think he was on the verge of laughing.

"I think so," I said, feeling just a bit foolish. "I know it's not actually advice, and it's not very encouraging, but I didn't think you wanted pointless encouragement."

He laughed then. "It's actually kind of depressing way of looking at things, but it does make me feel less nervous," he said. "Thank you Remus."

"No problem."

After that there was an uncomfortable silence, and I realized James was staring at me strangely. He gave an awkward cough, took a deep breath, and looked at his feet. "So, Remus," he said, sounding forced. "Er . . . how's your mum? She was sick again last weekend, right?"

"Yeah," I mumbled, rubbing the back of my neck. "You guys caught her on a good day when you visited over the summer. She's gotten worse lately."

"That's too bad," he said. Something about his tone was off, and I frowned at him as he stood up. "You know, I'm here for you if you need to talk about . . . your mother's sickness. I can't say I know what you're going through, and I know it must be hard, with no one to really talk about it with, but I'd be happy to listen."

I didn't have a response, and he didn't have any more to add. On that strange note, he went back to his own bed, and we both went back to sleep for a few more hours. Sirius woke us up in time for tryouts, and I told Allie I couldn't study with her so I could go and support James. He did remarkably well. Well enough to make Darryl forget his annoyance and, now, James is on the Quidditch team.

**Entry #43 (Friday October 21, 1972) – One Day Before**

Despite the fact that I have woken most of my dormmates if ever any of them are still asleep when class is about to start, none of the Gryffindors I share a room with bothered to get me out of bed. Instead, I woke up to the faint smell of blackberry shampoo and a gentle hand on my arm, fairly certain both of those sensations had been happening in my dream. When my eyes were open, I saw Allie leaning over me, a very concerned look on her face, and I jumped.

"We have Charms in about twenty minutes," she said with a hint of urgency. "I don't know if you're too tired because tomorrow's the full moon, but I thought you might want to make it to class."

Quickly I sat up, thanking her as I found my robes. She stepped out of the dorm so I could change, and I met her again just outside the portrait hole with my book bag slung hastily over my shoulder. I tried to walk faster so we could make it to the Great Hall for food, but Allie grabbed my wrist and stopped me.

"Allie, I think I have time for breakfast," I said.

"I already got you breakfast," she told me.

She held up a finger as she reached into her bag, and handed me a sausage roll wrapped in a napkin. I accepted it, slightly confused. "Are we in that much of a hurry?" I wondered, unfolding the napkin. Even though it had spent some time being smashed between Allie's books, the roll was edible, and I took a grateful bite.

"No, but I wanted to talk to you." I nodded my understanding, meaning for her to continue as I ate the rest of my breakfast. Her pace slowed and she took a deep breath, making me raise my eyebrows in curiosity. "This is going to sound strange, and I don't really know how to bring it up, so I'm just going to say it," Allie said determinedly. Her eyes were fixed forward down the hall. "Sirius asked me to go out with him."

That had happened so many months ago that I had nearly forgotten about it. I might have told her that I already knew, so she wouldn't feel quite so awkward, but my mouth was full and I'm glad I couldn't say anything through the crumbs. The few seconds it took for me to swallow was enough time for me to realize it would have been a terrible idea to tell her I knew, considering she wasn't aware I had eavesdropped on that conversation. I instantly felt guilty for not confessing to that crime, but then I wondered why Allie was divulging this particular bit of information at all, so long after the incidence had occurred. "Sirius asked you out?" I asked, trying my best to sound surprised. "When did this happen?"

"About a week ago," she confessed.

At those words, I stopped me in my tracks. Allie kept walking for a few steps before realizing I was no longer by her side. She turned around to give me a questioning look. "A week ago?" I exclaimed.

"Yeah, when I went to hang out with Rachel last weekend," she said straightly, gesturing for us to continue walking. I complied, but wordlessly, still not comprehending what she was saying. "I know I should have told you sooner, but it was just too weird. I think he was waiting for a time when I would be with you, because he kept bothering me about when I was going to hang out with Rachel. At first I thought it was because he had a thing for _her_, but then he chased after me when I left the portrait hole and made me talk to him. That's when he asked me."

I was incredibly confused. This was not the story I had been expecting. Where was the mention of helping Sirius with Charms? Why wasn't she saying that this event took place on his birthday? How could she have not already implied that she turned him down? It was strange knowing that, somehow, the person I trusted more than myself was lying to me.

"What did you say to him?" I had to ask.

"I said 'no,' of course," Allie said instantly. "I mean, he's Sirius Black. Then he wanted to know why, and I realized I didn't really have a reason. He's not that bad of a guy once you take the time to know him. You are one of his best friends, so you understand what I mean, right?"

I didn't understand. Sirius is my friend, and I think he is a very good friend, but he is absolute rubbish when it comes to girls. "So what did you say to him?"

Allie paused, as we had reached the Charms room. She gripped the strap of her bag nervously, glancing inside the open door before staring right into my eyes. "He asked me to think about it, and I told him I would," she said. A corner of her mouth perked up in an attempted smile, but it wavered and fell, seeing something in my expression that didn't warrant happiness. "Just so you know, I haven't made a decision yet."

When I didn't say anything, she shuffled her feet before awkwardly stepping into the classroom, leaving me completely alone in the hallway. I stood for a moment, not sure what to do with myself. If I followed Allie into the Charms room, I would have to sit next to her. If I didn't sit next to her, it would be obvious how bothered I was by this news. But I couldn't sit next to her. Not right then. And I wouldn't be able to sit next to James, Sirius, or Peter, for very similar reasons. My eyes fixed on the classroom door, willing it to shut itself and block me from the people inside, but it remained open and welcoming, beckoning me.

"Mr. Lupin, are you coming inside?" I heard Professor Flitwick squeak. "You're not quite late yet."

Steeling myself, I entered the room and took my place next to Allie. She held herself very still as I pulled out my book, glancing at me out of the corner of her eye. Sighing, I let my shoulders droop, knowing she expected me to say something. I could hardly breathe, let alone speak, but saying something, anything, was better than letting this tension fester without dealing with it.

"I don't want you to go out with Sirius," I said under my breath.

Flitwick had taken his place at the front of the room and was explaining the uses of the charm he was about to demonstrate. I was hardly listening to him, but Allie was scribbling down his words, and for a moment I feared she was ignoring me. Then she tilted her head slightly so it wouldn't look like she was talking to me and said, "Why not?"

"I just don't think it would be a very good idea," I muttered.

Again, her only words in reply were, "Why not?"

How was I supposed to explain myself? She had every right to ask why I didn't want her to date Sirius. It was her choice after all, and I was lucky she was asking my opinion at all. There was no way I could tell her the truth, though, and anything else I could come up with seemed unfair to Sirius. "He doesn't have a very good track record with his girlfriends," I pointed out, knowing it to be the only true thing I could allow myself to say.

"Maybe he just hasn't found the right girl," she offered, glancing over to where Sirius was sitting with James. He was leaning on the back two legs of his chair, and he flashed a smile over his shoulder when he noticed her gaze. Allie blushed before getting back to her notes.

While she wrote, I stared at Sirius for a minute longer, trying to figure out the situation. He gave me a nod before his chair started to wobble, and he put all four legs back on the ground so he wouldn't fall over. At that moment, it didn't seem like he was waiting for Allie to return his affection. In fact, he seemed downright indifferent, but I still wasn't sure. It was true they had been spending more time together lately. Allie had often requested to join us boys at lunch, and Sirius had started doing his homework when Allie and I were working on ours. I assumed Allie was just trying to integrate herself more completely into our group, and that Sirius' mother had gotten on his case about studying more, but maybe there was another explanation. Maybe there was an explanation I had never thought possible.

"You do know he's broken up with every girlfriend he's had," I said quietly. "None of them lasted a month. Do you honestly think it will be different with you?"

"I think it could be different," she replied. "From what you've told me, he hasn't been as persistent with those other girls as he has been with me. If he likes me more than them, I don't see why it wouldn't last longer."

I didn't dare say so, but I couldn't help thinking she was being more foolish about this than I had ever thought possible. Liking her was the main reason I didn't want her to date Sirius but, my own personal feelings for her aside, I thought she would have been smart enough to realize that Sirius Black wasn't mature enough to handle having a girlfriend, and I was slightly disappointed that I needed to spell it out. "Even if he really does like you, he wouldn't be a good boyfriend," I tried. "He assumes girls are just there to snog him, and that's all that really matters to him in a relationship. He said as much himself."

"I wouldn't let him treat me that way, and you know it," she said. "I'd break up with him."

"That's not the point," I said, frustrated now. "I don't like the thought of him treating you the way he treated Piper, even if it was just for a day before you dumped him. I'm sorry if you were counting on my blessing, but I just can't approve of you dating him."

Allie put down her quill, though Flitwick was still talking. Her brow furrowed, and she bit her upper lip before opening her mouth again. "Just to make sense of your point," she began slowly, "you don't want me to date Sirius because you think he will be a bad boyfriend. Is that right?"

"Yes," I nodded.

"I guess I understand why you think that," she said. "The only experience you have is with Sirius being awful to his girlfriends, so I will take into consideration everything you just said. But I have to ask . . . Is that your only reason? You just don't want to see me in a bad relationship?"

I felt her hand weave its fingers through mine on the table, and I turned to her. She was looking up at me, her blue eyes searching for something on my face. "I don't want to see you get hurt," I told her. "Isn't that a good enough reason?"

"It is." Her grip on my hand was slackening, and I didn't want her to let go. "But is it your only reason?"

She wanted a specific answer. I knew that. But I also knew I couldn't give that to her without incriminating myself, and even though she was holding my hand, even though I was certain she was only asking to make me tell her the truth, I couldn't do it. In the back of my mind I knew this moment, the moment when I didn't take that crucial step, might haunt me when Allie and I have moved past the possibility of romance, but that was better than the alternative. If there was one thing I appreciated about Sirius' silly romantic endeavors, it was that he had demonstrated how fickle dating could be at our age. I would rather be stuck as Allie's friend than push her away forever if a relationship didn't work out.

"It's the only reason," I lied, feeling her fingers slip away.

"All right, then. If you're sure."

She picked up her quill again and resumed her note-taking. I missed the warmth of her hand, but I found my own quill and took down what little information I could before Flitwick started the demonstration.

When I noticed Sirius glance back at us again, and Allie's smile in response, I tried to swallow the lump in my throat with no success. "Are you going to date him?" I asked her.

"I'm still thinking about it, Remus," she said dismissively, frowning at her notes and scribbling over some error. "You'll be the first to know when I decide."

I didn't feel any better, and the first hints of regret were bubbling up in my stomach, but we made it through the rest of the day without another mention of her intentions towards Sirius. In fact, it turned out like any other day, us laughing and talking as usual. By the time I went to bed, I had almost managed to convince myself the conversation hadn't happened at all.


	21. Chapter 21

*****A few words from Aquira: I guessed that it would take me about 10 days to post a new chapter, and I was right, but not because it took me that long to write it! My laptop had an accident on Monday, when my curious kitten decided he needed to have some of my milk and tipped over a the whole glass onto the keyboard, which ended up frying the hard drive! Luckily, I am a firm believer in saving my files on a memory stick, so I still had everything I wrote, but I no longer had a computer! So, after a few days of attempting to unsuccessfully fix my computer, I got a brand new laptop last night, and now I've got everything on my new computer and ready to use. I will miss my old laptop, but this new one is pretty great. I appreciate your patience and, as always, read and leave a review if you liked this latest update :)

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><p><strong>Entry #44 (Monday October 30, 1972) – Eight Days After<strong>

Today was the first day I didn't sit with Allie during Herbology since that first partner lesson last year when she asked me to work with her. I believe her absence today had something to do with the fight we had yesterday. It wasn't a major fight, though. We're still talking to each other and we did our homework together after class, but she has taken to sitting with some of her other friends during lessons where partners aren't required for practice, and it felt a bit odd to not have her next to me today.

The fight was fairly straightforward. We were talking outside by the lake, Allie up in her tree with me sitting under her branch, when Sirius found us. He pulled a silly face at me before sitting down by my side in the shade. "Why does Allie always hang up in that tree?" he wondered.

I opened my mouth to respond, but Allie called down to him first, cutting me off. "Don't ask Remus," she said as she threw a leaf at my head. It fluttered uselessly a few inches in front of her before it dropped to the ground, missing me by several feet. "He doesn't like my tree."

Grinning, Sirius tilted his head up to her. "All right then," he said. "I won't ask him. Why do you like that tree so much, Allie?"

"I just do," she said simply. "It's nice up here, and I can think about stuff."

"Really?" Sirius said, curiosity in his tone. He watched her with playful eyes before standing and attempting to climb up to her branch. Even though she moved out of the way, making plenty of room for him to hoist himself up, Sirius slipped several times before succeeding. Once he was up there, the two of them started talking in low voices, forgetting I was there. Not being able to hear what they were saying to each other worried me slightly, but I didn't let it show on my face and I stayed put, opening the book I had brought with me to ignore them.

A few minutes later, their voices rose, and I heard Allie let out a high pitched giggle. She had never made a noise like that in the entire time I had known her. Concerned, I glanced up just in time to see Allie quickly regaining her balance on the branch as Sirius plunged into the water below. There was a splash, and then Sirius was stumbling, waterlogged, out of the lake.

"You're going to pay for that, Bond!" he cried, a wicked grin on his face. "We'll settle this after I get some fresh clothes!" Wiping the water from his eyes, he laughed and began the walk back towards the castle.

When he was gone, Allie jumped down from the tree branch and landed nimbly on the grass. She was smiling, obviously proud of herself. "What was that all about?" I asked as she sat down next to me, cross-legged.

"I pushed him in the lake," she replied.

I smiled and closed my book. "I saw that part, Allie," I said. "I kind of want to know _why_ you pushed him in the lake."

"Oh, that." She rolled her eyes, as if reasons were irrelevant. "He tried to kiss me."

"What? He tried to kiss you?"

Allie raised an eyebrow at my outburst and brushed her bangs out of her face. "Well, gosh, Remus, he already asked me to date him," she said derisively. "It's not that hard to imagine he wants me to kiss him too."

"I know but . . ." It was hard to articulate exactly what I wanted her to tell me. "Why did he think it was okay to kiss you right then?"

She sighed. "He doesn't like how long it's taking me to think about my answer," Allie said. Her bangs had fallen in her face again and she blew the hair away frustratedly. "He thought it would help me decide faster if he could demonstrate his kissing prowess.

As it had been more than two weeks since Sirius had asked her out, and they still weren't dating, I had assumed she told him no and he was taking it as easily as he had the first time she turned him down. It was a shock to learn otherwise, though I suppose I knew deep down that she would have told me if that had been the case. "You still haven't given him an answer?" I asked.

"No, I haven't," she said, shaking her head. "I thought I would take your advice first."

My advice had been to not date Sirius, but it seemed she was still considering it. "I don't think I understand."

"You said Sirius would just ditch me when he lost interest, so I'm making him work for it," she explained. When my face still didn't express comprehension, Allie pursed her mouth to the side, debating what to say. "A few days ago, I realized that I should be better friends with him before I commit to dating him. You know, so we could be like actual friends who tell each other stuff, and so I'm not just someone he talks to because he's attracted to me. So, I told him that I would consider dating him a bit more seriously if he could prove he was actually interested in me as a person. If he still wants to date me after really getting to know me, then I'll give him my answer."

Something about that speech didn't sit well with me. It took me a moment to place the strangeness of it, and then I sighed. "Are you sure this isn't just stalling?" I asked.

"What do you mean by that?"

I could sense the warning in her tone, but I had to say what I thought. "It's been more than two weeks since he asked you," I said carefully. "And you already know him well enough to understand what he's like, so I don't know what you're expecting him to prove. If you can't make a decision at this point, then maybe that's your answer. Maybe you don't really want to go out with him, so you're making excuses to put off turning him down."

Her nose crinkled. "Are you sure you aren't just pushing your own agenda when you say things like that?" she retorted.

I rolled my eyes because I had known where this would go the instant I spoke up. I knew she would get upset, and I knew I would have to say too many things to make my point. "Allie, not everything I say about this is an attack," I tried. "Actually, none of it is. I'm just trying to help you."

"No, you're trying to get me to agree with you," she said. "There is a difference."

"I just think that if you liked him enough, you would already be dating Sirius by now," I said, shaking my head.

She stared at me, her face seeming sad and a bit troubled. "You don't think people can just be nervous?" she asked. Her voice was shaking, but I didn't understand why. "You don't think someone can still consider starting a relationship even if they're not quite sure it will work out? Is it so black and white to you?"

It didn't feel like we were talking about Sirius anymore. Her words felt aimed directly at me, and not in the sense that she was asking me the questions. Swallowing, I glanced down at the grass. "I wasn't saying that," I said. Then I paused, unsure how to clarify. "Do you really want to go out with him? I just . . . don't see the two of you together. You hated him last year and I can't figure out why that changed."

There was a silence as she looked into my eyes. "You know, it makes me sad that you aren't willing to give one of your best friends a chance to do the right thing," she said. "Me or him. I know what I'm doing, Remus. I can make my own choices. And Sirius is a lot more respectful than you give him credit for."

"Allie, you had to push him out of a tree to stop him from kissing you," I protested. "That sounds like the same disrespectful Sirius to me."

Allie sighed heavily. "You know what, Remus," she began. "I don't want to fight about this. I'm still thinking about it, and unless you can give me a reason besides Sirius' history with girls I might say yes. The sooner you can accept that, the sooner we can get over this disagreement."

With that said, she stood and went back to the castle without me. Later James said he saw her and Sirius talking closely on one of the couches in the common room. That information bothered me, and James noticed, so he took me on a walk around the castle to try and calm me down. He spoke a lot about how Sirius seemed different around Allie, something I hadn't realized because I spent all my time near them being angry. In his opinion, dating Allie would be terrific for Sirius' attitude towards girls, since Allie wouldn't take his crap. I didn't argue with James, but he hadn't convinced me of anything. I was still jealous and bitter, and I did my homework with Allie in silence when we worked on a Potions essay.

No apologies had been made and no compromise had been reached when class rolled around today, so Allie worked with Molly in Herbology when we got to the greenhouse. She did work with me during Transfiguration when McGonagall made us work in pairs because she was short on teacups, but our time together didn't last long after that. Allie had lunch with Lily and Brittany, and Lily braided her hair through with some ribbon while the three girls chattered and giggled. Though I had plenty of company with James, Sirius, and Peter sitting next to me, it was strangely lonesome seeing her all the way down the table.

I couldn't help watching her, and Allie seemed so happy with her other friends. I instantly felt guilty for being angry with her. Being angry because she didn't turn Sirius down and because she wasn't sitting with me was ridiculous. She had, of course, spent days with her friends that weren't me plenty of times in the past, and I hadn't gotten upset or jealous on those days. Today, however, was different because it felt entirely intentional. My anger could be justified if I considered that whenever she hung out with her friends that weren't me before, it was because she _wanted_ to hang out with them. Today, I am certain, she only spent time with her other friends because she _didn't want_ to spend time with me.

It was upsetting to know she was avoiding me, but that wasn't the most hurtful part of the day. What hurt the most was Potions class. Allie has told me a lot about how her relationship with Rachel has changed lately, how they have become rather distant, and I cannot forget the numerous complaints over the past year indicating how terrible Rachel is as a friend. Despite these things, Allie only gave me a smile as she passed by my seat in Potions, and then she sat down right next to Rachel across the room. Maybe they haven't talked in a while so Rachel hadn't heard about what was happening with Sirius, but I know for a fact Rachel would approve of Allie dating him no more than I had. Rachel absolutely hates Sirius, and I couldn't understand why Allie would avoid me because I didn't agree with her, only to sit next to someone who would snub her for much less.

I suppose it might be because she expects that type of behavior from Rachel. I have always tried to be accepting of her choices, so my adamant refusal to support her must be confusing. Or maybe I'm just trying to make excuses for myself so I don't feel quite so guilty for being a worse friend than Rachel Stokes.

**Entry #45 (Tuesday November 14, 1972) – Six Days Before**

It's been two weeks since that ridiculous fight I had with Allie. Not a lot has changed. She's spending more time with Sirius, less time with me, and she still hasn't made up her mind about dating him. When I asked Sirius what he thought about her indecision, all he told me was that he thought it would be worth the wait when she finally said yes. He didn't say 'if.' He specifically said, "when she finally says yes."

I hate his confidence.

I could fix the whole situation if I wanted to. I could tell Allie why I don't want her to date Sirius. Heck, I could tell Sirius why I don't want her to date Sirius. He is a good friend, and I think he would understand if I told him my feelings. Maybe he would back off.

But I can't bring myself to do it. The prospect is terrifying in so many ways. So, instead of fixing things, I consistently find myself off to the side while they talk and laugh and become closer. This was the case earlier this afternoon, right after lunch when all of us were in the Great Hall waiting for our next class to start. Allie and Sirius were joking around with James while I helped Peter study for a quiz we had in Transfiguration. Then Peter decided it would be simpler to ask McGonagall for help, and he took his books with him out of the hall.

Alone, I was no longer able to ignore Allie's laughter. When she caught my eye, she smiled and gave a little wave with her fingers, but she quickly turned to hear what James was saying to her, and I averted my eyes.

I heard someone come up behind me. At first, I thought Peter had returned, and then I got my hopes up thinking it might be Allie. But then that someone spoke. "It's disgusting, isn't it?"

I recognized the voice, and the tone of it filled me with annoyance. "What's disgusting?" I asked coolly. I turned around to see Rachel, just as I had expected.

Rachel rolled her eyes at me. "Oh, don't pretend you don't know exactly what I'm talking about, Lupin," she said, gesturing angrily with her hands. "I mean Sirius and Allie. They've been flirting constantly lately. It's sickening, really, having to watch my best friend sink as low as Sirius Black."

"Sirius is my friend. I don't think I appreciate you talking about him like that," I said. As much as I agreed with her, I would never allow myself to say so out loud. I was convinced I could defend anything to the end so long as Rachel disagreed with it.

She sat down next to me, taking a moment to glare in Allie's direction as she did so. "Some friend he turned out to be." When Rachel looked back at me, her face was a scowl, eyes narrowing critically. "Any idiot can see you're desperate for Allie. If Sirius was half as good a friend as you're claiming, he wouldn't be flirting with her as we speak."

I observed Sirius and Allie then, to watch as Sirius playfully shoved her shoulder when she made a joke. Allie was laughing too loudly, and James was nowhere to be seen. My stomach churned unpleasantly at the sight of them, and roiled again when I remembered that Rachel was next to me, bringing attention to their flirting. "Why are you talking to me about this, Rachel?"

"The enemy of my enemy is my friend," she said, sounding almost bored. "Neither of us wants Allie to date Sirius. It would be the biggest mistake of her life, and Sirius doesn't deserve someone like Allie."

I swallowed, trying really hard to not agree with her. Hadn't I spent nearly a month telling Allie the exact same thing? But this was Rachel, and I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of being right. "I think you know that Sirius is rather popular with a lot of girls in our year," I pointed out. "He must know what he's doing on some level, so if someone like Sirius isn't good enough for her, who is?"

Rachel rolled her eyes again. "No, Sirius isn't popular," she sneered. She shot another dirty look down the table. "Sirius is shallow, manipulative, and knows how to give a compliment, so everyone _thinks_ he's popular. Really, Sirius is terrible, for Allie and any other girl stupid enough to be interested in him."

"Well, who is good enough for her?" I repeated, frowning.

"Don't try to use your backhanded tactics on me, Lupin," Rachel snapped. "You're not good enough for her either. Actually, you're probably worse. Sirius is at least good looking."

I almost laughed. That hadn't been my implication at all. "You really hate me, don't you?"

"I never said I hated you."

"You don't have to say it, Rachel," I insisted. I was so tired of her attitude that I didn't even consider that Rachel was only trying to be my ally. She was being rude, and I wasn't going to tolerate it. "You say 'I hate you' in your tone, your expression, and every single comment you make to me. You hate me, and I can't figure out why. I've never done anything to you. As far as I can tell, you met me and then you hated me without any precedent. I don't get it."

Rachel took a long pause, examining her fingernails carefully to delay answering me. When she looked up, the glare in her eyes startled me. "Think about it, Remus," she said hotly. "If nothing else, you're at least smart. You know why."

I had always suspected Rachel might know about my condition. There had never been any proof, and I had quickly dismissed the idea whenever it occurred to me. But the thought had always been there, always been a terrible fear of mine ever since the day Allie had tried to introduce us. "I don't know what you're talking about," I lied.

"Yes you do. I know there's a little voice in the back of your head, pestering you with what you don't want to believe," she went on. I could tell she was enjoying watching me squirm. "You get it. I know you do. But you're pretending you don't know why I hate you because you don't understand how I could have possibly found out about it."

There wasn't a way to deny what she meant. "Just say it, Rachel," I demanded, avoiding her gaze.

"I know what you are, Remus Lupin. You're a werewolf."

The truth at last. It wasn't possible, but Rachel Stokes knew my secret. I sat very still, letting her loathsome words sink in. There was a smirk on her face.

"How?" was all I could ask, my voice helpless.

The smirk wouldn't fade. I could tell she had wanted to divulge this particular piece of information for some time, and that she had been waiting for the moment it would hurt the most to tell me. "I'm sure you already know this, but your name is on a list of registered werewolves at the Ministry," she said. "It's been on that list ever since a very unfortunate day at Saint Mungo's when you were five. That list is maintained by a woman named Francine Stokes, who happens to be my mother. When I wrote home to complain to her about this annoying boy named Remus Lupin who was spending too much time with Allie, she sent me a very concerned reply. She told me what you are, and she told me to stay very far away from you, and to keep Allie away from you too."

I couldn't breathe. My chest felt heavy, and I wanted to run out of the room screaming. But I held it all in, half pretending it wasn't happening. "Have you told anyone?" I wondered. My voice was too quiet, but she didn't have to hear me to know what I said.

Rachel's eyes narrowed. "No," she replied. This seemed to be the only part of this conversation that hadn't filled her with an evil glee. "My mother told me not to make a scene. I should tell Allie, though."

As terrible as the situation was, if Rachel hadn't told anyone, then there was still some sort of hope. "But you _haven't_ told her," I tried. "You hate me so much, and I stole your best friend . . . and you haven't told her the one thing that might make her run away from me?"

"Well, I thought I'd let her figure out what a horrible person you are on her own, you know?" she said flippantly. "If _I_ told her you were awful, she wouldn't listen. She would think I was making it up. If you proved yourself to be awful all on your own, then the situation would solve itself. Though, if you don't help me with getting Sirius out of her life, then I might just let it slip how horrible you are. Then Allie would run off faster than you can say 'full moon.'"

I gave her a stony look. I took a deep breath, working up the nerve to speak. "She already knows," I said, my voice much stronger than it should have been.

Rachel laughed harshly. "She already knows you're a horrible person? I don't think so. Allie thinks the sun shines out of your every orifice. I've never heard her say one single bad thing about you."

"Allie already knows what I am, Rachel," I said, feeling more confident with each passing second. "I told her about my illness."

It took her a moment to comprehend what I had said. "You told her?" she balked.

"I did," I said. I could feel a smile threatening at my lips, but I didn't let it show. "Allie doesn't mind at all. She's actually very supportive. She visits me in the Hospital Wing after each moon. So stop this crusade to make me out to be the worst person alive. Allie won't buy it, and you'll just make yourself look rude. I'm not worried about Allie and Sirius, so leave me alone, Rachel. I don't need your insults."

I motioned to get up to leave, but Rachel's callous tone stopped me from getting very far. "I'm not insulting you. I'm just being honest with you, Lupin. So what if, yet again, Allie can't seem to see what is so obviously wrong with you? Her behavior is not how the world really works. You will be hated, and you will be scorned, and you will hate and scorn yourself. No one will take pity on you. I am trying to prepare you for that life."

The bell rang to signal the end of lunch. I mustered up the last of my courage to say one last thing. "I have friends, Rachel," I said. "They don't hate me, and I think that's enough."

I took a few steps and thought I was in the clear before Rachel spoke up. "But they don't know, do they?" she said. I kept walking, trying to ignore her. "Do you think they'll still like you if they found out?"

The rest of her torment faded away as I left the Great Hall, following a small crowd of my classmates to the Transfiguration room. James had already taken the spot next to Peter, and Sirius was leaning against Allie's desk, grinning about something. With Rachel's words still ringing in my ears, I stared at Allie, noting how Sirius had yet to sit down next to her, and made up my mind. She knew my secret, and she still cared about me. That wasn't something I should be giving up because some other guy said he likes her.

I stepped over to her desk. After a brief pause where Sirius raised his eyebrows at me, he turned back to Allie to continue his anecdote, but Allie was hardly listening anymore. Her eyes were focused on me, wide with curiosity at my approach. "Hi, Remus," she said.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry," I said in response, and Sirius stopped talking. I think he realized what was happening and excused himself, moving to sit at the desk behind James.

I sat next to Allie, her watching my every movement. "You're sorry?" she wondered.

"Yeah," I nodded. "I was being ridiculous. You can date Sirius if you want to. I don't have a say in your decision, so I don't have any right to be angry when you don't listen to me."

There was a pause. "Why the change of heart?"

When I looked into her eyes, I realized that, yet again, I was going to let a moment to tell her my feelings pass me by. I honestly thought about telling her, and I even started picking out the right words to say, but then Rachel's final taunt came creeping back into my thoughts. Rachel was right. Allie may care about me, but there is a difference between befriending a werewolf and loving one. If you befriend one, you're the kindhearted soul willing to help such a wretched creature. Loving one . . . Well, you may as well become a werewolf for all the sympathy you'll get, and it would be easier for everyone if I kept my mouth shut.

"It wasn't really a change of heart," I said instead, barely able to look at her. "I still don't want you to go out with Sirius. I don't think it will end well. But if you want to date him, then you should be able to date him. I am going to be supportive of whatever you decide, and if it ends like I think it will, then I will be there to cheer you up. I won't even say 'I told you so.'"

The smile on her face was incredulous. "That wasn't exactly what I expected to hear, but I guess I'll take it," she said. "Thanks, Remus."

We've since dropped the subject. She still isn't dating Sirius, but I know better than to mention it anymore.


	22. Chapter 22

*******A few words from Aquira: First, I just want to say thanks to all the kind words I got from you fabulous reviewers. It really made me feel better, and definitely was the motivation to get me writing again. Not everything is great yet, but I'm finding that writing takes my mind off things. I love all you reviewers dearly, and I hope you enjoy this chapter. I'm sorry it took so long for this chapter. I know I said February, but I underestimated things. I will definitely post more often now that things aren't quite so hectic :)*******

**Entry #46 (Saturday November 18, 1972) – Two Days Before**

Something clicked today. I don't know what it was that finally brought me to this conclusion, but I knew I had to talk to Sirius about Allie. It was kind of impossible to find him at first, as he wasn't anywhere one would normally expect to find Sirius Black. Eventually I asked James, who told me to look in the library.

In all our time at Hogwarts, I didn't even need a full hand to count the number of times Sirius had gone to the library. He usually assumes the information in the class textbook or his own knowledge will be sufficient enough to get him through his homework. As infuriating as it is, he is usually correct in this assumption. His marks are just as good as mine, despite the fact that I try nearly fifteen times harder than he does to make sure everything I do is done right. He doesn't go to the library, so when James told me to check the library for Sirius, I instantly had to question him.

"He's looking up some stuff that we aren't learning in class," James elaborated. "It's for something the two of us are planning with Peter."

I raised an eyebrow at him in suspicion. "Is this about Professor Coyle?"

Quidditch practice started soon, and I knew I only had half his attention to begin with, but I could feel his attention waver at my lecturing tone. James pushed up his glasses and averted his eyes, pretending to look for his broom amongst the mess around his bed. "If it in any way pertains to Professor Git, you can rest assured that we won't be involving you," he said cryptically. James located his broom then, and I was left to roll my eyes at their determination to hate the new DADA teacher.

With no other leads, I made my way down to the library. I was momentarily distracted by Madam Pince, as she had a few book recommendations for me, but I told her I was looking for something specific today and could continue my search. When I finally found Sirius, he was at a study table with two girls from Hufflepuff, Shelby Greene and Elaina Conway.

Sirius was laughing while the girls were making disgusted faces, and I assumed both were reactions to the page he was showing them from his book.

"Why would you even want to look at pictures of that?" Shelby cried.

Elaina made her obligatory sounds of agreement before adding, "You are so rude, Sirius Black."

Acting highly offended, the two girls gathered their things quickly and stalked away from Sirius' table. Now that he was actually alone, I approached him. He saw me coming and shut the offensive book, sliding it into his bag, which was already filled with other seemingly offensive material.

"Looking at more pictures of naked ladies, Sirius?" I asked him, sitting down.

He grinned proudly, giving a little chuckle as he watched Shelby and Elaina leave. "I don't see why I shouldn't, if the naked ladies aren't in the restricted section."

I rolled my eyes. "Why would you even show a picture like that to a girl?"

"They asked what I was looking up, so I showed them," he said with a shrug. "I think they were trying to flirt with me or something. It's not my fault if they got offended."

"I thought you were researching stuff for the prank you're planning on Professor Coyle," I said. "That's what James said you were doing, anyway."

"I suppose I got a bit distracted from that task, didn't I?" Sirius said. When his laughter died down again, he gave me a puzzled look. "Wait, why are you here, Remus? I thought you finished your homework yesterday with Allie."

"I did," I said, hesitating. This was the tricky part, and I almost wished he hadn't asked so I could think through my words again before actually talking to him. I took a deep breath and tried to force any thoughts out of my expression before speaking again. "I wanted to talk to you… about Allie."

Sirius frowned, considering me closely. "Yeah, I thought you might want to talk about her eventually," he sighed. "Go ahead. Let me have it."

"I don't want you to go out with her," I blurted, realizing how rude I sounded as I said it. I tried to make the next sentence sound less harsh, but I still hadn't coordinated my thoughts with my vocal chords. I ended up rambling about bad ideas and everyone getting their feelings hurt.

"Not what I was expecting," Sirius said slowly, once he was sure I had stopped talking. "I thought you were going to say Allie doesn't know how to say no to me, so she hasn't yet. But… you think I'll actually hurt her?" He didn't sound offended, just confused.

"No, Sirius, you don't understand," I tried. "I'm not trying to say anything bad about you. I just . . . Here's the thing. You can't date her because . . ." The words failed in my throat. I don't know why it was so much harder to tell Sirius than it had been to tell James and Peter, but I was terrified of what he would say.

But he could tell. I didn't have to get all the words out for him to furrow his brow and then open his eyes wide in realization. The shaking of my hands, the quaver of my voice, and the way I wasn't looking him in the eye must have given me away. I blushed and bit at my fingernail in a useless attempt to hide my embarrassment.

"How did I not realize this before?" he exclaimed. "I mean, I know I made fun of you about it and stuff, but that's just because most guys don't have a girl for a best friend. I had to give you a hard time about being in love with her. And you never acted like you wanted anything more from her . . . I really thought she was just your friend. I feel like such a wanker now." He smacked my arm, not hard but I flinched anyway. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I don't know," I mumbled.

"Well damn," Sirius said. "Of course you don't want me to go out with her."

I glanced up at him worriedly, still nervous for some reason. "So you'll back off?" I asked. "You'll tell her you don't want to go out with her anymore?"

"Of course, Remus," he said. "If you're going to ask her out, I'll back off."

At first I was relieved. Then I thought about what he actually said, about the meaning behind the sentence, and my stomach sank again. "And what if I'm… not… going to ask her out?" I wondered.

"Why wouldn't you?" When I didn't say anything in response to this question, Sirius shook his head. "Nerves, eh?"

I nodded. "I can't ask her out," I said. "She wouldn't want… someone like me."

"If Allie would consider me, she would definitely consider you, Remus," he said. "There's nothing I've got that you don't. She actually likes you."

He was wrong. There were so many things he had that I didn't, like charm and confidence and looks. And then there was that one thing I had that he didn't and, as Rachel so delicately pointed out, that thing wasn't something that would give me an upper hand. I remained silent under his scrutinizing stare and Sirius narrowed his eyes at me.

"I don't get you sometimes, Lupin," Sirius said. "If you want her, go for it. If you won't go for it, you don't get to complain if she goes for someone else." He gave me another chance to respond, but I couldn't, and he sighed before grabbing his heavy book bag and leaving the library.

I sat at the table for a long moment, thinking over what Sirius had said. He made sense, of course, though I was still confused. Was he going to back off, or had I ruined my chance to talk him out of dating her?

When I got back to the common room, I found Allie in a chair by the fireplace, a book in her hands. The room was relatively empty otherwise, with just a few fifth years studying across the room. I smiled at her, trying to mask the thoughts tumbling around in my head, and when she didn't respond I realized she was asleep, the book slipping out of her grasp. Not wanting to disturb her, I carefully took the book from her hands and set it on the table next to her. Then I couldn't help myself. I kissed her forehead, causing her to stir slightly. She mumbled something that sounded remarkably like my name as she rolled over in the chair.

I stared at her peaceful face in surprise. Had she really said my name? No, she couldn't have said that. She could have mumbled any number of other words that sounded like my name. Really, she could have just been mumbling nonsense. It was only wishful thinking on my part that heard her say, "Remus."

But as I climbed the stairs to my dorm, leaving her to sleep, I entertained a ridiculous notion. Maybe she had said my name, and maybe it had meant something. That thought naturally progressed into more irrational territory, and I couldn't help thinking foolish things. If I somehow managed to work up the audacity to ask her out, what would happen if she said yes? It was something I had never even considered before. Her logical answer in any realistic scenario would be no. If she said yes, though… everything would change. I would be able to hold her hand with other people around without feeling awkward. I would be able to hug her without my guy friends laughing at me. I might even be able to kiss her for real, and not just on the forehead while she was asleep.

I shook my head as I continued to climb the stairs. Things would never be like that, so why even consider it? Just to work myself up? That was absurd, and I tried to focus on other things like the upcoming full moon. No matter how hard I tried, however, the silly thoughts wouldn't leave my brain. I was relieved when none of my dorm mates were in the room to see the ridiculous smile that wouldn't leave my face.

**Entry #47 (Tuesday November 21, 1972) – One Day After**

At first, I had been incredibly disappointed that Allie wasn't in the Hospital Wing with me right when I woke up after last night's full moon. Then I remembered that she had class and, no matter if she wanted to, she couldn't skip all her lessons just to visit me. She came as soon as the final bell rang, but the usual relieved smile was missing from her face when she saw me behind the screen. I raised my eyebrows to her scowl as she approached.

"Your friend is such a prat," Allie replied. She threw her bag to the ground in frustration, making as much noise as possible as she did so.

I tried to sit upright, but the pain that shot through my arm when I moved held me in place. "Which friend?" I asked.

She took a seat in the chair by my bed, her arms folded moodily across her chest. "Sirius Black," she said. Her eyes were slightly red and I wondered if she had been crying. "As of lunch time, he's going out with Carolina Simms. He didn't even bother saying anything to me first. I guess he didn't like me as much as I thought."

"Allie…"

Allie shook her head to interrupt me. "Just say 'I told you so,' Remus. I know you're dying to. You were right, and I feel like an idiot."

"If I remember correctly, I promised you I wouldn't say that," I said after a pause.

Her eyes were watery when she looked at me, and she smiled. "Why didn't I just listen to you?" she asked. "You tried to talk sense into me so many times. You knew he didn't care about being my friend, and I should have listened."

"Don't feel too bad," I tried. "You're not the only one who never listens to my advice. Actually, nobody listens to my advice."

That got a slight chuckle out of her. "The world would be a far better place if everyone would just do whatever you told them to do, wouldn't it?"

"It would probably also be very boring," I mused, grinning.

"Probably." Allie laughed again and grabbed my hand. The movement hurt my arm, but I didn't flinch for fear she would let go. We sat quietly like that for a moment, fingers laced, until she spoke up and asked, "How was last night?"

"Dislocated my elbow and broke a wrist, but otherwise just the normal cuts and scrapes," I explained. "I'm okay."

Smiling, she grabbed the bag she had so carelessly thrown on the floor and began searching for something inside it. "I brought homework," she said. "And I took notes because there's an exam next week in History of Magic."

I let out a pretend groan before taking the notes from her. We did homework together until Madam Pomfrey said I could leave, at which point we packed up and trekked back to the Gryffindor common room. There we found a small gathering of our classmates around one of the tables, and at the center sat James and Sirius. They were competing to see who could eat the most pepper imps, with Peter as the referee. Judging from the smoke accumulated around their heads, it appeared that James was winning by an imp or two.

We watched from a distance for a moment until James dropped his last few pepper imps, conceding. Sirius shoved a handful in his mouth as the crowed urged him on and, as the smoke billowed from his ears, he pumped his fist in victory. A girl behind him jumped forward and threw her arms around him in congratulations, then kissed him on the mouth. While I had never known the girl's name until that moment, I assumed she was Carolina Simms, the girl Sirius was now dating.

I glanced at Allie. Her face had paled when she looked back at me. Thinking quickly, I grabbed her hand and led her to another table across the room, so she wouldn't have to see Sirius while we finished our homework. "Thanks," she mumbled.

A while later, once Allie and I had finished our homework, the group around James and Sirius dissipated. My friends began making their way to the dorms, and I realized that I had unfortunately chosen a table next to the stairs. Allie realized this too and stopped midsentence to grab the closest book and pretended to read it behind a curtain of hair as James, Sirius, and Peter passed by.

Sirius looked over his shoulder before he went up the stairs. Seeing Allie's hidden face, he focused on me. There was a question in the way he raised his eyebrows, and he gave the slightest of nods in Allie's direction. I understood then, about Carolina, and I knew what he was asking me. I shook my head to reply and he gave an exasperated gesture before relenting and following James and Peter up to the dorms.

"They're gone," I said to Allie.

She waited a few seconds before putting the book down. "I promise I won't be awkward around him forever," Allie said. "I'm just kind of mad at him right now."

Knowing it had been his intent to upset her, I didn't defend Sirius. I just said, "You're allowed to be angry," and smiled at her. She smiled back, and the way her nose crinkled was so adorable to me that I kept staring.

Allie blushed scarlet and glanced down to fidget with the spine of her book. "I know you probably still feel awful after last night," she said, "so thanks for being an awesome friend and making me feel better about this whole Sirius thing."

"You feeling awful distracted me from feeling awful, so I should be thanking you," I said. Then she looked up at me again, and an awkward silence filled the air. We just stared at each other, not having a single thing to say. Actually, there were several things I would like to have said, but it was as if someone had cemented my mouth shut.

Suddenly Allie stood, kissed my cheek, told me to feel better, and instructed me to get some sleep. I told her I would, and we parted ways to our respective dormitories. When I got to my room, Sirius was the only one with his curtains still open, and he had the same question in his expression from before. Again I shook my head, and I heard him mutter, "He'll never go for it, will he?"

I wasn't sure if he was talking to himself, or if James might have still been awake, but either way I ignored the comment and started getting ready for bed.


	23. Chapter 23

**Entry #48 (Monday December 4, 1972) – Fourteen Days After**

With no moon tonight, I felt very awake when I got up this morning. Herbology and Transfiguration weren't tedious to sit through, and I was having a rather good day by the time we got to Potions. Slughorn told us to get into partners, so we could practice the complicated potion we would be tested on next week. I paired with Allie, and James paired with Peter, as Sirius had walked Carolina to her class on the other side of school after lunch and hadn't made it to class yet. His absence left an uneven number of students, or it would have if Rachel hadn't also been running late.

When she arrived, spouting some excuse about having to talk to McGonagall, Rachel was given the option of working by herself or becoming the third member of an already established group. She looked around the room, weighing her options, and I am positive she chose to work by herself because the only person she got along with anymore in the entire class, Allie, was working with the only person she loathed, me.

The class got to work, and when Sirius finally showed up, he was not given the same options as Rachel, or I am sure he would have picked working with James. He wasn't even given the option to work alone. Instead, Slughorn steered him over to Rachel's desk and instructed him to sit down next to her.

"Oh, no, Professor," he groaned. "Can't I just work by myself? Or with _anyone_ else?"

Rachel, who seemed equally displeased by the arrangement, scoffed at his rudeness. They glared at each other, and Slughorn had the tiniest of grins on his face as he shook his head. "All of the _on time_ students already have partners," he said. "Can't risk disrupting their work."

"But you'll disrupt mine?" Rachel cried.

"As I recall, you were late, too, Miss Stokes," Slughorn said. "Now, why don't the two of you stop bickering and get started on your potion? It has quite the steeping time, and I don't want you to not finish before the end of class." With that said, he waddled back to his desk, leaving both Rachel and Sirius to stare after him in disbelief.

Allie leaned over to me. "I think they really have to work together," she said, trying not to start giggling.

I grinned. "Looks like it, doesn't it?" I said. "Should be interesting. I don't think they've ever had a conversation that didn't end in an argument."

"They've never had a conversation that didn't _start_ in an argument," Allie corrected.

"Very true," I replied, watching as Sirius took his seat. He had thrown his bag under his chair and was scowling across the table at Rachel. I looked back at Allie. "You know, I really don't understand why they don't get along. I mean, it's not like either of them did anything to make the other mad. It's like they met and just hated each other."

Allie pondered this for a moment as she prepared ingredients for the potion. "I have some theories," Allie started. "They can't just hate each other for no reason."

From what I knew of both of them, I begged to differ. "Care to share?" I prodded.

She looked over at Rachel and Sirius, who hadn't said a word to each other since starting their work. "I think Rachel likes him," Allie said, her voice low. "She hasn't told me anything specifically, but some of the things she says about him… It makes me wonder. Plus, wouldn't it be just like her to pretend to hate the guy she had a crush on?"

I shrugged. "Maybe," I said. "What about Sirius? Why does he hate Rachel?"

"That's a bit more complicated," she said. "It's possible he likes her too, but she's a Slytherin and he won't let himself like someone from that house after what his mom put him through. Or it could be that Rachel just made herself really unlikable at first. She never makes a good first impression, as you well know, so it's not that hard to imagine that she said something rude, making Sirius not like her from the start. I mean, it could be something different entirely, but those are my theories."

"So you think they like each other?" I asked. Disbelief got the better of me and I glanced over to their table, where Rachel was rolling her eyes at something nasty Sirius was muttering to her. I couldn't imagine two people who liked each other less.

"I'm just saying it's a possibility," Allie said. "One of many, but it's the most pleasant, don't you think? It's not so negative if they're only mean because they don't know how to be nice."

I laughed. "Also true," I said, opening my book to a helpful page. "Just don't get your hopes up on it being true." I nodded in their direction, where the little argument they were having hadn't died down.

"I won't," Allie giggled. "It's just wishful thinking. And kind of funny to think about."

We resumed working for a while, chatting about what we were going to do after class let out. Other partner groups were talking as well, but even over all the other conversations, I could still hear Sirius' and Rachel's voices. I couldn't hear words, but I could hear tones, and they both sounded angry. Eventually everyone else noticed the argument as well and the room grew quiet as people decided to eavesdrop.

"How dare you say that to me," Sirius was saying, once his words were tangible. "You really have no idea—"

"Mr. Black, Miss Stokes, please settle down!" Slughorn commanded. He had finally realized the commotion in his class. "I asked you to work together. I didn't say anything about talking to each other, so kindly refrain from that!"

"Oh please!" Rachel shouted at Sirius, ignoring the teacher. "You didn't ask Allie out because you like her! You asked her out to add another name to your list of conquests. But I suppose Carolina filled that spot quite nicely instead. Didn't have to work for her, did you? She doesn't care if you know her or not."

"You always have something to say about my personal life!" Sirius countered, standing. "It's none of your business who I date, or why I date them for that matter. Just butt out, Rachel."

Rachel huffed and got out of her seat as well. "No," she said, getting right in his face. "I would back off if you'd done this to anyone else, but you really hurt my friend. You at least owe her an apology."

Taken aback, Sirius made a face, as if to ask, 'are you serious?' Rachel didn't back down, so he made another face and wheeled around to look at our table. At this point, Allie had turned a violent shade of red in humiliation. "Please, no," I heard her mutter as she sank lower in her chair. "Why do this now, Rachel? Why do this ever?"

Sirius' eyes flicked to me for the briefest of seconds before he sighed at stared at Allie. "I'm sorry I was such an arse, Allie," he said. Everyone else probably heard sarcasm, but I knew he was being sincere. Then Sirius turned back around to Rachel. "Happy now?"

"If that's the best you can do," she sneered, "I'll take it."

Sirius clenched his fist, attempting to calm himself. It didn't work. He called Rachel a word that instantly got him kicked out of class and earned him a detention later in the week. This didn't faze him. He just said, "Worth it!" and stormed out the door.

As the class sat in shocked silence in the aftermath of his departure, Allie slid a scrap of parchment to my side of the table. "I did say I might be wrong about them liking each other," it said in her neat handwriting.

I didn't reply, instead choosing to get back to work on our potion. When class was finally over, Allie told me she'd meet up with me later and ran to catch up to Rachel, who had taken off the second the bell rang. I assumed Allie was going to confront Rachel about embarrassing her in front of our classmates like that, and headed back to Gryffindor tower with James and Peter.

"That was weird, huh?" James commented as we walked. "What was Rachel even going on about?"

"It sounded like she was saying Sirius dumped Allie," Peter said. "He didn't do that, though, did he Remus?"

Before I could respond, James spoke up. "Nah, he didn't do that," he said, shaking his head. "Allie turned him down so he asked out Carolina instead. He said so himself. Don't know how Rachel got confused, but that was rude of her even if Sirius had done something wrong."

They kept discussing it as we climbed the stairs, and my stomach felt heavy. It seemed I was the only one who knew what had really happened between Sirius and Allie. Sirius hadn't told anyone else what he'd done. Something akin to guilt overcame me, and I walked a bit faster so I could get to the common room before James and Peter, ignoring their confusion as they called after me.

I found Sirius by the fire. He was staring at the flames, tossing in bits of parchment that I hoped weren't torn from his Potions essay. "Hey Remus," he muttered without looking at me. "I suppose you're going to scold me for making a scene."

"No, I…" I hesitated, stepping over to him. "I'm sorry."

Sirius glanced up and cocked an eyebrow. "For what?"

He already knew. The question was just to humor me, I could tell. "For putting you through that mess, I suppose," I said, "and for not ever appreciating what you did. You made yourself look bad with Allie because I asked you to, and all I've done is… well, nothing."

He turned back to the fire. "Don't worry, Remus," Sirius said. "I can handle a bad reputation. Already got one. Besides, I knew you weren't going to ask her. You're too chicken."

"That's not…"

He grinned. "You are, though," he went on. "You're terrified of asking her, and I knew that when I did what I did. So don't feel bad. It's okay that you're nervous. But… just promise me you will ask her out. Sooner rather than later. It's getting ridiculous."

Falling into the seat next to him, I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Yeah, I will," I promised. "As soon as I can convince myself it won't ruin everything."

"So tomorrow then?" he said coolly.

I rolled my eyes. "Why are you so confident that it'll work between Allie and me?"

"I'm not," he said. I shot him a look and he ignored it. "Knowing it'll work out isn't what a relationship is about, Remus. A relationship is about knowing there's a chance it won't work out, and wanting to take the chance anyway. If you don't want to take that chance, you didn't like that person enough to start with."

I hesitated again. "And if it does ruin everything?"

"Then you weren't good enough friends to start with," Sirius replied. He was about to say more, but he shut up as James and Peter came through the portrait hole. They joined us by the fire and started talking about the fast-approaching holidays, forcing Sirius and me to put our conversation aside.

Later, once we were all in bed, I once again thought about what it might be like if Allie ever agreed to be my girlfriend. Sirius had given me a lot to think about in that regard and it had never seemed so plausible that she could say yes.

* * *

><p>Before Tonks had joined the Order, her life as an Auror had been fairly routine. It seemed so exciting at first, especially working under such great minds like Alastor Moody during her three years of training. Once she had graduated, however, and became a full-fledged Auror, she found there weren't as many Dark Wizards as she had assumed. At least, there weren't as many interesting Dark Wizards. The interesting cases were given to Aurors who had been on the force for longer than a few months.<p>

As a new recruit, Tonks went to her tiny cubicle every day and clipped articles from the Daily Prophet, made charts of illegal trading routs, and researched suspected Death Eaters that might still be trying to live by their former master's ways. She almost resented how boring being an Auror got at times, and even assisting some of the senior Aurors wasn't enough to keep things interesting.

Anything was better than the paperwork she did, so when the news came out that Harry Potter witnessed the return of Lord Voldemort, Tonks was ready. She came into work the next day completely giddy with all the new and exciting things she would have to do. Then Kingsley handed her another research assignment, and she snapped. "What is this?" she asked, trying to remain as respectful as she could. "More research on the guy smuggling bewitched broomsticks? Isn't there something… I don't know, more _important_ I could be researching?"

"Fudge claims there aren't any other leads," Kingsley said. He seemed just as annoyed as she felt. "I know what you heard, but according to the Minister, everything is fine. So yes, more research on the guy smuggling broomsticks, thank you."

She rolled her eyes and walked back to her desk, tossing the research assignment onto the mess of papers already accumulated there. Tonks thought about starting the assignment, but instead she pulled out the latest copy of the Prophet, and read over the article about Harry again. There wasn't much information, and it was mainly an article about lack of evidence in the boy's story, but Tonks could tell a slanted piece when she read one.

"Interesting article, that one," a voice said behind her.

She jumped and wheeled around in her chair. Davis Kellar, a fellow Auror who had trained with her, leaned against her cubicle wall, smiling. Davis usually made a habit of stopping by her desk for a chat every morning when he took his coffee break. "I thought so," Tonks said. "It makes me wonder why anyone would make that up, let alone Harry Potter."

"Things must have gotten hectic for him in that tournament," Davis reasoned. "Someone so young shouldn't have been competing."

"So you don't think it's true?" she asked. "About You Know Who returning?"

"I think…" Davis paused, then let out a slow breath. "I think we can't do anything about the truth until Fudge gives the say-so."

She grinned. "You don't think Potter's lying," she said happily.

Davis shook his head. "Don't go saying that to everyone, Dora," he said. "Like I said, there isn't anything we can do until there's more evidence."

Leaning forward in her chair, she gestured for Davis to come closer. "What if we found more evidence?" she whispered. "Made Fudge see reason? I don't know about you, but all I've got is enchanted broomsticks. We could work on this on the side."

"Dora…"

"Davis!" she insisted. "We could really prove ourselves. Think about it. If we're the first Aurors to find proof that You Know Who is back, we'd be legends. I wouldn't have to make another smuggling route map again."

He straightened, considering her proposal. "Why don't we talk about this more over dinner?" he suggested. "Tonight. Come up with a plan before we seriously go through with anything."

Tonks narrowed her eyes suspiciously, but smiled. "Davis, are you just using this as an excuse to ask me on a date?"

"Of course not," he said. His smile was as big as hers. "I really do think something is up that Fudge won't tell us. But that doesn't mean I'm not asking you on a date. How about it, Dora?"

"I suppose I don't have any plans tonight," she said coyly. Davis was rather handsome, and she had fancied him for a time during Auror training. Why not give him a shot this once?

His smile broadened. "Great," he said. "We'll talk more later." With that said Davis winked at her and wandered back to his own cubicle down the aisle. Still grinning stupidly, Tonks turned back to her desk, grabbed the broomstick report, and got to work.

She had made quite a bit of progress on her research when she heard someone walk up behind her again. "Where are you taking me tonight, Davis?" she asked before she looked. Davis was the only person in the office to visit her desk.

"Davis?" a growly voice said behind her. "Who the ruddy hell is Davis? Better not be a boy. I thought Nymphadora Tonks better than to let some boy distract her from her work."

Tonks' face lit up. "Alastor!" she cried, jumping up and throwing her arms around the gruff man. She smiled at her former teacher, and he even had a small smile to offer in return. His frame was thinner than she remembered, and he was pale, but otherwise he looked well. "Davis is just a coworker. We're going to dinner tonight to discuss a case."

"Davis Kellar?" Moody wondered. "Bit of a lout if I remember him right. Barely made it through training. You could do better."

She grinned at him. "_I _barely made it through training," Tonks reminded him. "I would have failed if you hadn't taken me under your wing."

"That's not how I remember it," Moody said. "You weren't my favorite for nothing."

A blush spread across her cheeks, but Tonks didn't let her embarrassment show. "How are you doing, Mad-Eye?" she asked to change the subject. "I heard you had quite the year back from retirement."

"A little kidnapping is nothing," he grumbled. "I didn't stop by to talk about that, now did I?" Moody shot a look over his shoulder, to make sure the people in the surrounding cubicles weren't listening. Reassured, he limped over to the spare chair and sat down, staring at her with both his eyes. "You've read the Prophet this morning, yeah?"

"You mean the Potter story," she said. "Yes, I read it."

"What did you think of it?" Moody asked.

She licked her lips. "It was… interesting," Tonks said. "I kind of believe Potter, to be honest."

Moody grinned from ear to ear, a rather frightening sight to anyone besides his protégée. "That's what I wanted to hear!" he said, still keeping his voice low despite the enthusiasm. "I knew you wouldn't buy into the lies they're spewing out there."

"So it is true?" She couldn't keep the excitement off her face. "You Know Who is really back? How do you know?"

"I'm not stupid, that's how," he said dismissively. "Any time Fudge says something, and Albus Dumbledore says the opposite, believe Dumbledore. He doesn't have supporters to please."

"What's Dumbledore planning, then?" Tonks wondered. "What's he doing?"

"That's what I'm here for." Again, he decided to check for eavesdroppers, his icy blue eye swiveling disturbingly around in his head, and he only focused back on Tonks once the witch delivering mail had gone by. "Dumbledore's looking for people who believe. He wants to put up a fight if the Ministry won't. I thought you might be interested."

Tonks didn't even take a second to think. "When and where?"

"If you're not too swamped with important cases," Moody began, glancing at the stack of unorganized papers on her desk as if he knew she had been given busy work, "I can take you to Dumbledore now."

Twenty minutes later, without so much as a thought to her assignment or her plans with Davis, she was standing on the sidewalk of Grimmauld Place, staring at the space between the houses labeled '11' and '13.' No matter what Moody said, there was not a house there, and she looked at her mentor with confusion. "I don't see a number twelve," she said.

In response, Moody nodded to the spot she had been looking at, and Albus Dumbledore was now standing there. The old man walked towards them, his eyes twinkling. "You must be Nymphadora Tonks," he greeted. "Alastor speaks very highly of you. I assume you're interested in… helping?"

"I can't think of anything I'd rather do, Headmaster," Tonks said.

"Ah, a Hogwarts graduate then," Dumbledore said with a smile. "Now that you mention it, I think I remember you. You preferred to go by Dora, and Professor Sprout said you had a penchant for getting up to a bit of mischief, most notably an incident involving the lake and a pair of skivvies?"

"I'd like to think I've matured since then, Headmaster," Tonks said hurriedly, absolutely mortified. "We all go through fazes when we're younger."

"Nonsense," Dumbledore said. "We need people with that kind of unabashed enthusiasm in the Order."

Tonks' eyes widened. "The Order?" she said with awe. "As in the Order of the Phoenix?"

"The very same," he said. "Please follow me." Tonks nodded, and she walked with Moody behind Dumbledore. He led them through a gate she was positive hadn't been there before, and up to the front door of a house with the number '12' next to the door.

Moody noticed her confusion. "Fidelius Charm," he explained. "Only Dumbledore can show someone where the Order's headquarters are located. Just a precaution."

Nodding again, Tonks followed the two men inside. The entryway was incredibly dark, and she was about to ask if they could turn on a light when she tripped over a rather ugly looking umbrella stand shaped like a troll leg. It caused quite the clatter as the umbrellas tumbled out and, almost simultaneously, a curtain flew open down the hall. Instead of revealing a window, the open drapes gave way to a portrait of an old woman, who instantly began screaming obscenities. "Half-breeds, in _this_ house!" she wailed. "Scum of the wizarding world, blood traitors! Leave this place, and disgrace the name of my fathers no longer!"

Horrified by the mayhem she seemed to have caused, Tonks started apologizing profusely, asking how she could make it stop. Suddenly a man rushed up the stairs, fighting with the curtains until they were closed and the portrait was silent again. Turning to the newcomers, the man smiled. "Sirius couldn't be bothered this time," he said. "He's dealt with the woman enough, I suppose."

"Quite right," Dumbledore replied. "Though I must admit, it was my fault for not warning Tonks here about the need for silence."

"I'm really sorry—" Tonks began.

The man cut her off with a shake of his head. "You weren't the first to wake up that portrait, and you certainly won't be the last," he assured. "Tonks, was it? Remus Lupin." He stuck out a badly scarred hand and she shook it, noticing that there were scars on his face and arms as well. His hair was greying, though he didn't look very old, and he had the kindest, bluest eyes she had ever seen.

"Nice to meet you," Tonks said as a second man came up the stairs. This man had long, dark hair, and Tonks recognized him immediately as Sirius Black, her mother's cousin and notorious escaped convict. She would have made a bigger deal about the fact that a mass murderer was walking towards them, but Remus greeted him so pleasantly that Tonks merely stood there in confusion, waiting patiently for someone to explain what was going on.

Over the course of the afternoon, Tonks did discover what was going on. Apparently, Sirius was innocent, and Kingsley, the Auror in charge of his investigation, was giving the Ministry false information relating to his whereabouts. It wasn't shocking to learn that Kingsley was already involved in the Order, but it was shocking to learn how much the Order was already doing in the fight against Voldemort. She absorbed as much information as possible, completely enthralled with the excitement of it all.

"So, Tonks, what do you think?" Remus asked once they were done catching her up to speed. "Still interested?"

"Of course," she said. "This is why I wanted to be an Auror."

"Then we're glad to have you," Sirius said, shaking her hand from across the table. "Just don't go knocking that umbrella stand over anymore, and we'll be golden."

Remus shook his head. "Don't give Tonks a hard time, Sirius. The number of times you knocked that stupid umbrella stand over when we were kids…"

"That proves it!" Sirius exclaimed, banging his hand on the table. "My insane mother put that troll leg there just so people would trip over it, and she hung that picture of herself to torture me after she died."

"Don't mind Sirius," Remus said to Tonks as Sirius continued to list the awful things his mother had left behind in the house. "He doesn't get out much, so he hasn't quite grasped that other people don't appreciate it when he talks about himself."

Sirius made a face. "Don't listen to Remus," he countered. "He doesn't understand that I'm conceited for a reason. People love to hear me talk about myself. I'm interesting and he's just jealous because everyone thinks he's boring."

As Sirius carried on, Remus opened and closed his hand like a mouth behind Sirius' head, rolling his eyes and mouthing, "Blah, blah, blah" to himself. When Tonks couldn't help but giggle, Sirius scowled and looked at Remus, who instantly dropped the offending hand and raised his eyebrows in mock innocence. Not falling for it, Sirius smacked Remus in the arm.

"Are we back at Hogwarts, boys?" Dumbledore asked.

The two men grinned at each other but stopped their pretend argument. "We're adults, I promise," Remus said, but Sirius shook his head and muttered, "No, we really aren't," causing both of them to laugh. It was clear to Tonks, even after knowing Remus and Sirius for only half a day, that these were close friends. They understood each other, worked well with each other, and respected each other.

Reading about Remus and Sirius in their younger days through the diary, seeing how close they had been even as boys, made Tonks remember that day, her first day with the Order. If she was honest, she never really forgot about her plans with Davis that night, though that's what she told Davis when she saw him the next day. She remembered her date, but she had been intrigued by these two men who acted so carefree in the face of such trying times, and going to dinner with Davis didn't seem so important. Even now that all was said and done, and Remus had left her, she didn't regret blowing off her date. She was glad she had met Remus, glad she had gotten to know him and the rest of the Order, and she wouldn't have traded a moment of it for anything in the world.

She turned the page of the diary, thinking about how alone she felt without Remus, and how alone Remus must feel without Sirius. Sirius may have claimed that James was his best friend, and Remus may have had Allison, but no one could deny that Remus and Sirius had a bond that was incomparable to their other relationships.


	24. Chapter 24

*******A few words from Aquira: Hey all! I haven't forgotten about you! It's just, I work three jobs, and usually there isn't too much conflict with my schedules. These past two weeks, however, my schedules were not nice to me. I've been working full days for the past 16 days, so there hasn't been much time for writing if I wanted to sleep too. I hope this doesn't happen again! As always, let me know what you think of the chapter!*******

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><p><strong>Entry #49 (Tuesday December 19, 1972) – One Day Before<strong>

My evening started rather quietly, with the four of us sitting around a table in the common room. James and Sirius were talking about the latest Quidditch match between Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff while I helped Peter with some Transfiguration homework. I was glad for the relaxed mood. I didn't need any mishaps so close to the full moon.

Suddenly, Sirius looked at Peter and me. "Aren't you guys bored?" he wondered.

"Not exactly. This is actually really helpful for me," Peter said, gesturing to his parchment on the table. I had scribbled all over it with corrections. "I've been stuck on this homework for days."

This wasn't the answer Sirius had been looking for. He turned back to James. "Isn't this boring?" he repeated. "Just talking about Quidditch?"

"Firstly, I can never be bored talking about Quidditch," James said. "Secondly, I thought we were trying to have a mellow night. You know, because Remus is sick."

My head shot up. "What do you mean?" I asked quickly. "I'm not sick."

"Well, you look like death, Remus, so you could have fooled me," Sirius said. "That's why we thought they were sending you home early tomorrow instead of on Thursday with the rest of us. Isn't it?"

"No, I thought I told you," I said, knowing full well I had never clearly explained myself to them. After I told them I would be leaving for the holidays early, I had quickly changed the subject, not wanting to get caught in a lie I hadn't prepared. "My parents are taking me on a vacation. If I took the regular train, I wouldn't be home in time."

"Whatever," Sirius shrugged. He tried to make it subtle, but I noticed a tiny glance he shared with James that seemed suspicious. "I'm still bored, and if you aren't sick, we should do something."

"But my homew—"

"Come off it, Pete," Sirius said, cutting Peter off. "James and I will help you with your homework later. Let's do something fun before we won't see each other for two weeks."

Frowning slightly, Peter obeyed and put his homework back in his bag. Then he looked at the rest of us questioningly, wondering what we were going to do that was more important than his essay. I was wondering that too, as it seemed Sirius didn't have an alternative to our current activity.

"I know what we could do," James offered. Sirius' ears perked up. "We could have a Christmas party. Without the presents, though, since I didn't get anybody anything."

I almost laughed, but stopped once I realized everyone else seemed to like the idea. I didn't quite understand how claiming our gathering was now a Christmas party would make sitting around a table any more exciting, but if the others were interested, who was I to argue? Then James elaborated, and I was no longer worried about the 'party' being boring. I was worried about it earning me a detention. Of course, my objections were brushed off and my friends somehow managed to convince me to go along with them. They always do.

This is how I found myself out in the hallways twenty minutes before curfew, following James down to the dungeons. We had split up into two groups. I was with James getting supplies, while Sirius had taken Peter to find a classroom we could commandeer for the evening. James and Sirius were keeping each other updated using their two way mirrors.

"It's just down here, Remus," James said, leading me down an empty corridor.

I nodded, though I wasn't really listening. I was too busy keeping an eye out for Filch or anyone else who might get us in trouble. Then James stuck out a hand to keep me from going any farther, and he pointed to a giant painting of a bowl of fruit. With a grin, he stepped up to the painting and started tickling the only pear in the picture. It giggled and squirmed before expanding into a green door. James ignored the surprise on my face as he beckoned me to follow him again.

"How did you even find this place?" I wondered.

He shrugged. "Sirius and I get bored when you're busy with Allie," he said. "We've gone all over this castle with Peter."

The Hogwarts kitchens were huge. House elves bustled about everywhere, cleaning up the remnants of the large dinner earlier that evening. James led me around the five tables set up just like the ones in the Great Hall and over to the preparation area, where a very tiny house elf dropped what he was doing to greet us. "How can Cosmo help the young sirs today?" he asked. "You are in need of more food after dinner?"

"We just need a few snacks, if that's all right, Cosmo," James said.

Cosmo opened his mouth to respond, possibly to ask which snacks we would like, but then his eyes went wide and he squeaked in alarm. "Oh, no!" he cried. "You is James Potter, you is, and Cosmo is told to not let James Potter and Sirius Black ask favors. Kitchen elves is getting in much trouble after last time!"

"Well, Cosmo," James began. I could practically see his mind working behind his glasses as he looked at me. "My friend here isn't Sirius. This is Remus, and he's still allowed to ask for favors, isn't he? He won't get you in trouble."

The small house elf seemed skeptical and I didn't blame him. After another moment of hesitation, however, he nodded happily. "Of course Remus can have favors," he said. He grabbed my hand and led me over to the other elves, introducing me. "Tell the elves what you is needing, Remus."

I glanced back at James, not sure what I was supposed to say. He mouthed a few suggestions to me, like cake, tarts, and pumpkin juice. I repeated his words to the elves, taking the liberty of adding a few items I wanted to the list as I did so. The elves nodded eagerly, and short while later I was being overloaded with piles of the treats I had requested. Not sure what else to do, I thanked them heartily, at which point the elves were kind enough to let James help me carry the food out the door.

"Thanks for covering, mate," James said as we made our way down the corridor again.

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, don't act like that wasn't the reason you brought me to the kitchens instead of Sirius," I said.

He grinned at me. "All right, I won't," he said, clearly surprised I had seen through his stunt. "You know, you're too quick for your own good sometimes, Lupin. We hardly ever get anything by you anymore."

"That means I'm spending way too much time with you guys," I said.

As we continued to walk, James attempted to balance the pumpkin juice in one arm so his other arm was free to chat with Sirius on his mirror. It was past curfew now, so we were extra cautious as we made our way to the classroom Sirius and Peter had found for us. When we got to the door, we had to give a special knock before Sirius would let us in, and even then we had to admit he was "the supreme leader of handsomeness" first. Both of us protested, but we could hear Peeves around the corner, and we relented before the poltergeist could swoop in and call attention to a teacher.

Laughing as he opened the door, Sirius said, "I knew you both fancied me," and took some food from our overloaded arms.

We piled the snacks in the center of the room where Peter had pushed the tables and chairs away, and James tossed each of us a pumpkin juice as we made ourselves comfortable in a circle on the floor. I sat cross-legged in between James and Peter, shifting nervously and glancing at the door every few seconds just to make sure we still hadn't been caught. Soon, though, my uneasiness faded and I let myself enjoy the evening with my friends. We played charades and exploding snap, and James made up a new card game that none of us understood so he won every round. I'm fairly certain he changed the rules whenever he started losing, but it was amusing to try and keep up with the contradictions, so we let him get away with it.

I'm fairly certain they all still thought I was sick, so we only stayed in the empty classroom for a few hours before we snuck back to Gryffindor tower. We almost got caught by Flitwick, but James ushered us all into a broom closet until the Charms teacher had passed. I hadn't even noticed the closet, and new I would have been caught for sure had I not been with my friends. James and Sirius constantly sneaking around the castle has its benefits, I suppose.

Once we were finally safe in our dorm room again, I instantly fell into my bed, exhausted even though the evening had been very mellow. Peter went to bed too, but Sirius and James stayed up to finish packing for the holidays while I wrote in my notebook.

Now, maybe it was nothing. Maybe the book just had a very similar cover to the one I thought it was. Maybe it was the book I thought it was, and Sirius only had it because of an extremely coincidental personal interest. Maybe it was any number of other harmless scenarios, but I saw Sirius shove _What Makes a Beast?_ into the bag he was to take home.

That book . . . My father gave me that book the day after I came home from St. Mungo's with my diagnosis. I keep it under my bed at home, and I've read it several times. It describes the transformation process just about perfectly, right down to the guilt and confusion that comes the next day. The accuracy had convinced me the author was a werewolf himself, until he discussed how he came about his knowledge, which was through researching his son, who suffered from the disease and had infected many other people.

I sort of hate that book. I reread the author's malicious depiction of his son's life over and over again when I was little, wondering if that was the life that awaited me and if my own father would write a horrible book about it just to inform everyone werewolves should be eradicated. I know now that my father didn't intend to buy a book that was so condescending to someone with my condition. It was merely the first werewolf book he could find, and he was only trying to help me understand my first transformation. At the time, though, it took an awful lot of talking for my parents to convince me my father hadn't given me the book on purpose.

I didn't say anything to Sirius when I saw the book in his hand. I just stared at it until I noticed I was staring, and then I quickly looked away before he could notice too. Hiding my panic, I carefully closed my notebook and pulled shut the curtains around my bed. Then I waited until I heard James and Sirius finally climb into their own beds, and I reopened my notebook to finish writing and contemplate what I had seen.

I'm still not sure why Sirius had that book, but I have a pretty good guess. I am very glad I have two weeks away from my friends to not think about it.

**Entry #50 (Thursday January 4, 1973) – Fourteen Days Before**

I wasn't necessarily lying when I told my friends my parents were taking me on a vacation for the holidays. After recovering from the full moon, I went with my parents to visit my mother's parents in Derby. My grandparents kept us quite busy, and I barely had time to write to Allie the whole visit. I didn't write to James, Sirius, or Peter. I got a letter from each of them on Christmas Day, but I couldn't bring myself to respond. It was bad enough thinking about seeing them again once winter break was over. With more thinking I had convinced myself that my friends at least suspected my condition, and that they were just waiting for the right moment to confront me and disown me.

Back at school, I knew I couldn't avoid them forever, but I tried. I managed to sit with Allie on the train back to Hogwarts and at dinner yesterday, and I was in bed before my friends could even get to the dorm room. Then today we had class, so I just pretended to be very interested in the lessons to keep them from saying much to me. Afterwards, though, when our class had been dismissed from Defense Against the Dark Arts, James clapped an arm around my shoulder with Sirius and Peter at his side, and I knew I couldn't avoid them anymore.

"What's up, mate?" James asked. "We've hardly seen you since we've all been back."

Allie, who was walking with me, bit her lip in an apologetic way before excusing herself from the group. She knew I wanted her to stay, but I knew she wanted me to deal with this and wasn't at all surprised when she ignored my pleading look. When I had told her about my worries on the train, she thought I was being ridiculous. Then I reminded her how she had reacted when she discovered my condition, and that shut her up for a while. Her opinion didn't change, though, and now she was walking away to prove her point.

I watched her go, a lump building in my throat. I swallowed it and gave my best fake smile to James. "Yeah, you're right." I tried to make my voice sound thoughtful, like I hadn't even realized I had been ignoring them. "I guess I didn't think about it."

"See James?" Sirius said. "I told you he wasn't avoiding us."

"Why would I have been avoiding you?" I wondered instantly, and I didn't like the look my friends shared instead of answering me. But I followed them back to the common room all the same and sat with them at our usual study table.

Being in the common room actually made me relax. I had a feeling if they were going to confront me about my secret, they would at least have the decency to not do it in front of the rest of our house. I resolved to worry again only if they decided to corner me in the dorms.

"So how was everyone's holiday?" Sirius asked, glancing at all of us. "Pete?"

Pete didn't have much to offer. His holiday had been spent at home with his parents, though he had gotten some nice new school supplies that he was excited about, including a cauldron and a quill that fixed spelling mistakes.

I shared my holiday next. James and Sirius found it interesting that my grandfather was a muggle, though I was sure I had told them this information before. This made them especially curious about my holiday activities, wondering at the many things muggles did for fun. I found their questions rather… leading. After a point, it seemed they were trying to get specific answers out of me, and were becoming frustrated when I didn't give them whatever they were trying to weasel out of me. Questions like, "What did you do in the evenings?" and "Do your grandparents live in a very populated area?" and "When exactly did you leave to visit them again?"

If I thought optimistically, they were merely asking about the business of my vacation, as people tended to go out at night more and have more activity options in a populous city. If I thought pessimistically—and their prodding tone lent itself more towards pessimism—then they were trying to figure out if I had been at risk of harming anyone due to transformations while with my grandparents. They still didn't say anything outright that convinced me that they were certain of my condition yet, but it was possible they were still trying to find proof and this was their way of going about it without giving their theories away.

It had me worried again at first, but they were more than willing to let me change the subject after I gave them vague answers. James had wanted to tell everyone about what he had gotten up to with his cousin during Christmas anyway, so I let him take over the storytelling.

He too had gone to visit relatives. Instead of tolerating the tedium of staying with his aunt and uncle, however, James had decided to create his own fun by pulling a number of pranks with the help of his cousin Michael. The pranks ranged from relatively innocent, like swapping the sugar for salt or putting chili powder on toothbrushes, to annoying, like sealing the toilet lid to the toilet or changing all of the clocks to different times. His family put up with it, for the most part, until Michael started pulling pranks on his own. James' aunt and uncle then declared James a bad influence on their son, and asked to cut the Potters' visit short.

Then we all turned to Sirius, who gave a weird sort of grimace before speaking. He found it difficult to describe how his holiday had been horrible and amazing all at the same time.

"Didn't you say your cousins were visiting?" James prodded. "That could only have been horrible."

He nodded. "Yeah, they were visiting," Sirius said. "I had to share a room with Regulus so that Bella could sleep in my room. Apparently my mum didn't want to make her share with Andromeda or Cissy. That was pretty much the horrible part, besides them being there at all. I mean, I had to listen to my entire family rave about Bella getting married in two months, and the fact that Cissy is now dating Lucius Malfoy. Those were the only things we talked about at dinner. Until…"

A smile spread across his face. The rest of us exchanged confused glances, not sure whether he was pausing for dramatic effect or really just needed a moment to savor whatever made him so happy. "Until…?" Peter wondered.

"Andromeda is also engaged," Sirius said, unable to stop grinning. "To Ted Tonks. He's a muggleborn! And… she's already pregnant. Needless to say, her parents are furious."

"This is what made your break amazing, is it?" I asked incredulously.

"Yup." When the rest of us failed to comprehend exactly why this was amazing, he rolled his eyes. "Don't you guys see? They don't hate me now that they hate Andromeda. My family will focus on making her feel like crap instead of me. I actually _talked_ to my uncle for the first time in two years. He was so upset with his daughter it didn't matter so much anymore that I'm not in Slytherin."

I thought it was rather unfortunate that someone else in Sirius' family had to fall into such disfavor with the Blacks for Sirius to gain some standing, but if he was happy, who was I to begrudge him? Besides, it wasn't as if I knew Andromeda. Sirius held a lot of stock in what his family thought of him, but maybe Andromeda didn't. Maybe she would be happier without the oppression of her family views.

The four of us kept talking, eventually taking out homework at my request. When we finished, it was late, so we went up to the dorms for bed. As everyone else went to sleep, I stayed up. I was still worried about how much my friends suspected, and our conversation about my holiday hadn't helped.

I decided to ignore it for now, though. It doesn't do me any good to panic until they actually say something to me.

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><p>Finally having found the first mention of herself in Remus' diary, Tonks felt strangely hollow. She had almost expected the knowledge of her existence to have a profounder effect on her husband, half hoped to find at least a mild curiosity from him about her pregnant mother. The logical part of her brain told her Remus had been twelve at the time, she had only been a fetus, and he had more pressing things on his mind than Sirius' cousin being pregnant, but it was still somewhat disconcerting to acknowledge just how little she had mattered to him back then.<p>

For a moment, she also felt incredibly _young_ compared to her husband. He was thirteen years older than her and, while Remus had always been very aware of their age difference, Tonks hadn't ever really considered it an obstacle. She loved him, and it didn't matter that he was older. Now, reading how very much he had gone through before she had even been born, it sort of made sense the way some people reacted to her marrying a much older man.

Her mother was also something to think about. How had Tonks never truly appreciated what exactly Andromeda had given up to be with her father and to give birth to her? It had cost her mother most of her family, and Tonks debated finding her mother down stairs and hugging her. Then she remembered the fight they had narrowly avoided that morning about Tonks still going to Order meetings while pregnant, and she chose to keep reading instead.


	25. Chapter 25

**Entry #51 (Friday January 19, 1973) – One Day After**

When I woke up in the Hospital Wing this morning, the curtain was up, and I could hear Allie arguing with the nurse. I couldn't see either of them, but it sounded like Allie was annoyed about something and Madam Pomfrey was losing her patience with discussing the matter.

"He won't mind," Allie said. "He _wants_ me here!"

"I know that, Miss Bond, but I'm afraid I cannot allow it this morning," Madam Pomfrey said. "After I talk to him, then maybe you can visit. For now, leave the homework—"

"He'd want me here," interrupted Allie. I thought I heard a quaver in her voice.

I heard a sigh. "I know that may be the case, but I am going to see what Remus would like to do first," the nurse said sternly. Her tone implied that the conversation was over, but if I knew Allie, she would keep arguing.

"Nurse?" I called, hoping to at least temporarily stop whatever fight they were having.

Madam Pomfrey let out a gasp. There was a shuffling sound and a "No, Miss Bond," from the nurse. Then Allie grumbled, and I knew she had been made to stand back as the nurse poked her head around the curtain. "You're awake, Mr. Lupin," she said. Her tone was a little too sweet, a little too guarded.

"What's going on?" I wondered.

She hesitated. "You hurt yourself rather badly last, Remus," Madam Pomfrey said.

Frowning, I looked down at myself, trying to find some hint of injury. I didn't_ feel_ hurt. There was usually some sort of residual pain when I ripped open something important, but I felt completely fine. Just as I was about to give up and ask the nurse what she meant, Allie appeared around the curtain. Her eyes found mine and a hand flew up to cover her mouth. "Oh my!" she cried, rushing towards me. She faltered for a moment, trying very hard to keep a grimace from her face, and then, gingerly, she brushed her fingertips across my cheek. "Oh, Puppy…"

A slight tingling across my nose and mouth spread out from where she touched me. I understood then, and I reached up, feeling the raised and jagged skin that formed my new scars. There were three of them, all clearly claw marks. One went across my nose, one just grazed my mouth, and one ran directly under my right eye.

"Miss Bond," the nurse scolded, but she sounded disheartened. "I told you to wait."

"It's fine, Madam Pomfrey," I mumbled. "I like having her here." Allie had taken my hands in hers, to prevent me from continuing to feel the scars. She gripped my fingers loosely, and I was grateful for the pressure. I don't think I could have felt anything otherwise.

Madam Pomfrey nodded and stepped closer, attempting to smile. "I'm sorry, Remus," she said. "You… you know werewolf wounds are cursed wounds. There was only so much I could do to prevent the scarring. They may heal more completely over time but…"

"I understand," I said, staring at Allie's hands.

The nurse stared at me for another moment, her eyes watery. "I'll leave you to think, Mr. Lupin," she said. "When you decide what you would like to do, just give a shout."

As she strode away, I glanced up to look Allie in the eyes. "How bad is it? Be honest."

She bit her lip and her eyebrows knit together nervously. "It's not nearly as bad as it could be," Allie offered, sounding like she was trying very hard to be diplomatic.

I made a face at her. "Allison Nicole Bond, if you care about me at all, you will be honest and tell me how bad it is," I implored. "Don't tell me it's fine if it's not."

Letting out a heavy sigh, she said, "On a scale of one to ten, I'd say it's a seven."

"Thank you," I replied calmly, though it was worse than I had anticipated. These scars were obvious, glaringly so. Only time would cause them to fade into less noticeable lines across my face. I knew everyone would be able to spot the scars instantly, and I couldn't think of a single way to explain them besides the truth.

"Okay, please don't close off like that," Allie said. "I don't like it when I can't tell what you're thinking."

"Sorry," I sighed. "I'm just… worrying. I don't know how I'm going to explain this. It's not like this injury can be mistaken for much else."

Allie paused for a moment, thinking quickly. "How about I'll tell everyone I saw you get attacked by a dog?" she suggested. "The only people who might not believe me are Peter, James, and Sirius. They all think you went to visit your mom last night… I'll have to think of something else to tell them."

"They're the ones I'm most worried about, Allie," I said. I averted my eyes to stare out the window. "What if they figure it out? They might not come around like you did."

"Then…" Her voice caught in her throat, and I guessed she was reliving those two weeks she avoided me after learning I was a werewolf. Allie took a deep breath and tightened her grip on my hand. "Then I'll still be here."

I muttered my appreciation as she hugged me, her arms tense. We talked for a few more moments, but Allie had only stopped by during lunch and she had to get to class. She assured me she would handle the excuses, and I watched her go, still very apprehensive. Would anyone believe her? Probably not, but it wouldn't help anything to worry about it now. I swallowed my nerves and lay back down to sleep.

The nurse tried to bolster my spirits when I woke up again, and gave me a mirror to examine the scars for myself, claiming they really weren't so bad. They didn't look nearly as terrible as they felt, but they were still bad. A dog bite, or even a dog attack, was hardly a believable excuse, but I could only hope Allie had managed to sell it.

I gave the mirror back to Madam Pomfrey, and she cleared me to leave the Hospital Wing, only after assuring me that I could stay a day or two if I wanted. I promised her that I would be fine and declined the offer. My new face would have to be dealt with sooner or later, and I didn't want to put it off more than I had to. I walked out of the doors with my chin up and headed towards Gryffindor tower, absently touching my scars as I climbed the stairs.

The common room was empty, and it took me a moment to realize that classes must still be going on. Relieved that I wouldn't have to deal with everyone right off the bat, I went to the dorms and fell into my bed, deciding to read while I waited.

An hour later, my friends showed up, followed by our other dorm mates. All of them were putting their books and bags away, and nobody noticed me right away. Pete was the first, saying, "Welcome back, Remus," as he threw his bag under his bed.

"Oh hey, Remus is back," James said with a smile.

"Got some notes for you, Remus," Sirius added, reaching into his book bag. He was the first to actually look my way. The other two had only spared glances, but Sirius halted, his bag half open, and he stared at me, his eyes clearly on my newly marked nose. "Bloody hell, Remus, what happened?"

The others all snapped their focus to me, and I braced myself for their confused stares. It was Wesley who responded first, saying "Allie told me he got bit by a dog in Hogsmeade," to the others. "It looks gnarly, Lupin. You'd think the nurse could patch up dog bites better." Then he wandered out of the dorm, followed by Daniel and Owen, who gave their own condolences for what had happened as they passed.

"You _would_ think Madam Pomfrey could do a better job with dog bites," Sirius said. I could practically feel the suspicion in his tone.

"A dog really bit you, Remus?" Peter asked. "When did this happen?"

I took a moment to consider what Wesley had said, trying to determine the lie Allie had spread around the school. "It happened this morning," I said, setting my book aside and sitting upright. "Usually McGonagall is the one to get me when I come back from visiting my mum, but Allie got permission to meet me at Hogsmeade during lunch so she could walk me back to the school instead. Just as we got past the village, though, a dog came out of nowhere and bit my arm." I rolled up my sleeve, displaying a scar I had gotten there years ago. "Allie went for help, but the dog got me pretty good by the time she got back. Then I was taken to the nurse, and she thinks the dog was rabid or something because the wounds didn't heal right. But there wasn't anything more she could do, so she sent me back to the dorms."

They were quiet for a moment, taking in the story. Pete gave me a sympathetic look, and then Sirius threw his arms in the air, as if exasperated. James shot him a look, but Sirius ignored it and sat on his bed, shaking his head at me. "Your lies have gotten really good, Remus."

I blinked at him. "Excuse me?"

"Cut the crap, Remus," he said. "We all know you didn't get bit by a dog."

"Sirius…" I heard James say warningly.

"No, James," Sirius argued, turning to James with a frustrated expression. "Why should we keep acting like we don't know?"

James looked sad. "Because he doesn't want us to know," he reasoned.

My heart beating fast, I tried and failed to find my voice. I couldn't even open my mouth to stammer. An empty wind began to echo in my ears, blocking out sound and disorienting me. It felt like if I so much as breathed my world would collapse. All I could do was sit on my bed, my face stony, unable and unwilling to move as my friends spoke.

"Remus?" I heard Sirius say. It took me a moment to realize my friends were focusing on me again, and my eyes unwittingly met his. Despite his earlier frustration, Sirius' features were remarkably kind, and I stared at him, begging him without words to not say anything else.

"Tell us what really happened," Sirius said, ignoring my pleading eyes. "A dog didn't give you those scars."

Denial. That was the only feasible option. I couldn't have a repeat of what happened with Allie, and I would do anything to prevent it. Then, when I opened my mouth, I didn't deny what Sirius had said. Instead, my jaw quivered as I tried to keep the tears from spilling out of my eyes and I choked out words I never wanted to say. "I clawed myself in the face," I said, and I lowered my head, not wanting them to see how close I was to crying.

Peter gave a little squeak of shock and James mumbled a swear word under his breath. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder, and Sirius was in my line of vision, having knelt on the ground next to my bed. "Mate, look at me," he said. I didn't look at him, but that didn't stop him from putting his arms around me in a comforting way, somehow making me feel better in this horrible situation. "It's okay. Take your time."

I sat there, letting Sirius hold me, trying to work up my nerve. It took a very long time, but eventually I said, "I'm a werewolf," before hiding my face in my hands. They didn't say anything while I collected myself, or maybe I just didn't hear them over the horror sounding in my head. "How long have you guys known?"

"Since we visited your house over the summer," Sirius said gently. "But that was just James and me. We didn't get Pete in on it until we got back to school and could make sure he wouldn't say anything."

"Fantastic," I muttered, though deep down it didn't surprise me they had known for so long. They had been so obvious in their suspicion.

For the next hour, I sat in the dorm with them, answering their many questions. I told them about the shack, what transforming was like, what Dumbledore had done to help me safely attend Hogwarts, how long I had been a werewolf… The questioning went on and on. I answered everything, still expecting them to turn on me at any second.

Then I explained what had happened when Allie found out.

"That's why you never told us," James accurately surmised. "You thought we'd do the same thing… that we wouldn't get over it."

I nodded, not looking at them. I don't know why I was so ridiculously worried. They all were acting extremely supportive. But I haven't dealt with much acceptance when it comes to my lycanthropy, and it was hard to wrap my head around the fact that they weren't frightened.

"Well." Sirius hesitated, and then rested a hand on my knee. "Well, you don't have to worry about us ditching you, mate. It doesn't bother us at all."

I let out a laugh that sounded more like a sob and tried to smile. "You don't know how relieved I am to get this out in the open." I couldn't say anything else. Grateful didn't even begin to cover how I felt in that moment. I gave all three of them strong embraces before I started crying, and they let me alone for a few moments so I could get myself together.

When I said I was okay again, they didn't jump back into the werewolf conversation. I think they knew it had worn me out. Instead, Sirius grabbed his book bag and gave me his notes to copy, and the four of us did homework.

I still can't believe it happened. I confessed what I am to my friends, and they didn't desert me. They didn't run away. My friends, my wonderful friends, stayed _and did homework with me_.

Why did I ever worry?

* * *

><p>When she had found out… that was when Tonks had first kissed him, she recalled, closing the diary for a moment to collect her thoughts.<p>

She remembered it had been only a week since Sirius' death. Remus sat at the kitchen table of his very small flat, his hand around a mug of tea that he had yet to drink. Tonks had come by to check on how he was doing, and now she sat next to him, watching his tea get cold as he stared off into space, completely oblivious to her.

"Remus, look at me," she tried. Her hand reached out to take his free one, and he barely returned the pressure. He didn't look at her. "Remus, please."

With a long sigh, Remus glanced to the side, his sad eyes finally resting on her. "Yes?"

"I just want you to talk to me," Tonks said.

He paused, and Tonks could tell he was bothered from the way his muscle was working in his jaw. "About what?" he asked slowly, and he stared at his tea mug, fingering the handle. He still hadn't dropped her hand, which Tonks took as a good sign. "I can't talk about Sirius, if that's what you mean. Not yet."

"Then we don't have to talk about him. We can talk about something else."

He became quiet again. When he finally resurfaced from his thoughts, his eyes were no longer sad, and his face had hardened, his trademark mask hiding any emotions he had been feeling. "Dora, I don't want to talk about that, either."

Her stomach clenching uncomfortably, Tonks scowled at him and pulled her hand back. "I didn't mean that," she said, hurt.

"Of course you meant that," Remus said, his blue eyes on her again. "You always mean that. Ever since . . ."

When he trailed off and pointedly looked the other way, Tonks rolled her eyes. "Ever since you almost kissed me but said 'This is a mistake' and ran off instead?" she snapped. "I'm not weird for wanting to talk about that. Normal people in a normal relationship would want to deal with—"

"We're not in a relationship," he blurted, interrupting her.

"That's because you won't let it happen," she said, calmer than she felt. "I care so much about you, and I'm fairly certain you care about me too. The only thing stopping us is you."

"I'm not right for you, Dora," he said. "Why can't you see that?"

Her lip trembled, and she held her mouth tight until she was sure she could speak again without her voice betraying her. "You keep saying that, but you've never given me a reason," she said. "How can I think you're wrong for me if there isn't anything wrong with you?"

Remus was silent again, and his mask slipped for just a moment, revealing in his features what Tonks could only describe as exhaustion. He cautiously took her hand again, gently running his thumb in circles on the back of her hand. "Dora, you're just a girl who fancies herself in love with a much older man," he said quietly. "A man you know nothing about, might I add."

"I know plenty about you," she protested. Her neck prickled at his touch, and she hoped her cheeks weren't red. "Like how you read to avoid talking to people, and that you drink peppermint tea when you've had a bad day. You're quiet and shy, but friendly too when you have to be. I know you're loyal, and good, and just so . . . brilliant."

Daring, Tonks moved her hand up his arm, brushing the base of his neck with her fingers. She could feel him tense at her touch and she reluctantly pulled her hand back. Neither of them moved for about a minute after that, and she could tell his brain was reeling to find the right words to say.

"I'm a werewolf, Dora," he said at last, sounding measured and hesitant.

It was the first time she had heard it. From him, at least. She had her suspicions of course, but she had never been sure, and she had never wanted to ask in case it made him uncomfortable to discuss it. Licking her lips, Tonks leaned forward. "And?" she asked.

The confusion on his face was almost worth all the pain of their non-romance, if only because it was the first time she had seen a genuine expression from him. Usually his features were set, meticulously arranged to display only the emotions he allowed to slip through, and it was so thrilling to see something real. She didn't wait for him to comprehend. She leaned in again and kissed him boldly on the mouth, and for the first time he had been too stunned to stop her. When she drew back, Tonks gazed into the kind blue eyes she had fallen in love with and said, "What does it matter if you're a werewolf? You're still you."

This time, he kissed her, pulling her close and wrapping her in his strong arms. He had been so uninhibited in that moment, holding her, knowing she wasn't bothered by his illness. His other doubts may have gotten in the way later, but when it counted, when he had felt most insecure about their future together, she had kissed him.

Shaking her head to clear away the memory so she wouldn't start crying, Tonks turned the page and kept reading.


	26. An update for you

Hey All,

I realized you might all be upset that I haven't posted in a while, but I've got a good reason. I was commissioned to write an employee manual for a local business in my town, which is very exciting! Maybe manual writing isn't the type of writing I want to get into, but I'm getting paid to write, so it's a start. Unfortunately, the company has quite a lot of information for me to wade through and write about, so that's what I've been doing for the past month or so. I think I'll be finishing up and sending it to the owner fairly soon, however, so I can get back to writing other things (like this story, and the book I want to finish!)

So, thanks for reading. I love you all!

Also, which Dumbledore quote should I add to my tattoo of the deathly hallows symbol?

-To the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.

-Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! (I don't know how serious I am about considering this one...)

-It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

-It's the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more.


	27. Chapter 27

**Entry #52 (Sunday January 28, 1973) – Ten Days After**

As I sat with James and Peter earlier this evening, trying to finish an essay, I kept glancing up to notice James staring at the fire place, where Allie was talking with Lily and Brittany. Of course, I couldn't necessarily criticize him for it, because I had caught myself glancing that way as well. I doubted he was looking at Allie like I was, though. He must have been looking at Lily, with whom he seems to have developed an odd fascination.

"Should we move to another table?" I suggested after about twenty minutes of this behavior. I wasn't getting much done on my essay, and I didn't think James was making much progress on his star chart.

Peter grinned at me. He was the only one getting any work done. "I think that's a good idea," he said. "It's distracting _me_ watching you guys get distracted."

"I'm not distracted," James said, instantly moving his quill across his parchment to pretend like he had been working. "The fire helps me think."

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, me too. The fire is telling me everything I need to know about magical advances of the seventeenth century," I muttered, getting a laugh out of Peter.

It took a bit of convincing, and there was a little grumbling on his part, but eventually James allowed us to switch to a table across the room. Setting up his homework again, he frowned at me. "How do you think Sirius does it?" he complained. "I mean, I don't even have a girlfriend, Remus, and a girl is still taking up half my attention. I'm guessing it's the same for you. But Sirius has a girl. He _has_ to think about her, and he still gets all his work done. I don't get how he does it."

"I don't know either, mate," I replied, trying not to think about Allie with little success.

"Well, Sirius has a girlfriend," Pete pointed out.

James and I both looked at him, confused. "Yeah, I just said that, Pete," James said. "That's why he's not here right now. Try to keep up."

"I know that," Peter defended. "But it's also why he already has his homework done. He wasn't distracted by her when he did his homework because he gets to be distracted by her now."

His reasoning made a strange sort of sense, and I was reminded of when my grandfather had tried to quit smoking cigarettes. Of course, it was ridiculous to compare the woes of puberty to a smoking addiction, but that seemed to be what Pete was getting at. If you have it, you don't worry about it. If you don't have it, you can't stop thinking about it.

James seemed to think Peter was making sense, too. He nodded slowly and twisted his body around to glance at the fireplace again. "I need a girlfriend, then."

"You don't need a girlfriend. You just want one," I said, keeping my eyes on my paper. That got an eye roll from both of my friends.

"I'm going for it," James said, ignoring my comment. "If Sirius says it's all right…"

"Why wouldn't it be all right?" Pete wondered.

I raised an eyebrow in similar confusion. "Yeah, since when do you need Sirius' permission to date Lily?"

"No, not Evans." He waved a hand at us, like we were being silly. "I'm fairly certain she hates me, so I've got to rework my strategy with that one. I was thinking more along the lines of Piper. We've gotten close during Quidditch this year, but she used to go out with Sirius, so he's got to be okay with it before I ask her."

Pete and I exchanged glances, both of us thinking the same thing. How would Sirius react to his best friend wanting to date his ex-girlfriend? It only took me a few seconds to realize I knew the answer, though maybe Peter did not. Sirius had gone out of his way to back off when I asked him to, despite the fact that I was hopelessly terrified of asking out the girl he had been interested in. If he would do that for me, why wouldn't he do the same for James?

"He'll be fine with it, mate," I assured. "He'd want you to be happy."

James pondered my response for a moment, and then looked back to the fireplace, where the girls were all laughing rather loudly. I wondered if he was still thinking about Lily, telling himself that Piper could somehow help him move past his obviously one-sided crush. When he turned back around to the table, we didn't continue discussing the matter. Instead, we went back to working on homework, and I was rather grateful I didn't have to keep thinking about the nerve James had that I would never find.

We finished our work a short while later. James stayed down in the common room to wait for Sirius to get back from his date with Carolina, but Peter and I wandered up to our dorm to get ready for bed. I don't know about Peter, but I just couldn't stay down there and risk staring at Allie for the rest of the evening.

If James does get the chance to talk to Sirius, I'm sure it will work out in his favor. Then maybe at least he can beat these very persistent and distracting thoughts.

**Entry #53 (Thursday February 8, 1973) – Nine Days Before**

My respect for Professor Coyle is growing almost daily. He really knows what he's talking about when he gives a lecture, and I feel like I am learning a lot from him. I actually enjoy a lot of our assignments, and he is quite helpful and understanding whenever I miss a class. I'm not sure why Sirius and James hate him so very much, but they do, and today they decided to take action. Of course, I was not told of their plans ahead of time. They were probably worried I would try to stop them, which I might have. Though if I may say so, Professor Coyle did a fine job of stopping them all on his own.

Defense Against the Dark Arts was our last class of the day. I was sitting next to Allie, with Peter at the table behind us talking to Wesley. James and Sirius were running late, and they barely made it to the room before the bell rang. They took the table in front of us. The mischievous grin James gave me as he sat down did not go unnoticed.

It made me suspicious at the time, but I put my worries aside as Professor Coyle strode to the front of the room. He smiled to the class and said, "Today we are learning about an entirely new jinx. It's quite helpful in certain situations. But before we begin, I'll need to collect your homework from last week." The teacher stepped forward, glancing at James as he did so. "Mr. Potter, will you please erase the blackboard while I collect the papers?"

James frowned, but stood and made his way to the front of the room. When he grabbed the rubber, he hesitated and took a look over his shoulder at the teacher. Professor Coyle watched him curiously. "Is there a problem, Mr. Potter?"

"No, sir," James replied, fidgeting oddly with the rubber.

"Then erase the board, thank you kindly," said Coyle, and he turned back to the class to begin collecting our assignments.

James fumbled around with the rubber for another moment before muttering a few angry words under his breath and swiping it across the board. For the most part, it erased the previous class' lesson, except it also left a long streak of chalk in its tracks. Seeing this, James gave a sigh and continued to futilely swipe at the board. He only succeeded in creating more streaks of chalk and he was getting more upset each time.

Sirius was whispering, "What are you doing?" up at James, and James was shooting him glares back, clearly telling Sirius to shut up. As Coyle neared where we were sitting, he noticed this exchange between Sirius and James, and looked to the blackboard. "Potter, what is this?" he wondered. "Did you put chalk in the rubber? Why would you do that when I'm standing right here?" There was no time for James to respond to the question before Coyle shook his head. "I suppose I am making false assumptions. Perhaps the chalk was already there. Sit down, Mr. Potter. I'll deal with it myself."

When James begrudgingly took his seat again, Sirius muttered to him under his breath, "Well that one failed. Why didn't you just take the chalk out?"

"It wouldn't come out," he retorted. "Did you put a sticking charm on it?"

"No." Confused, they glanced at our teacher, who was still gathering assignments. Coyle glanced at them too, and winked. It was so quick that I thought I had imagined it but, from the startled looks on their faces, James and Sirius had seen it as well. They sat a little straighter in their chairs and kept their eyes forward as they handed the teacher their rolls of parchment.

"Do you think he knows about the other things, too?" Sirius wondered.

I let out a sigh as they fretted and then I noticed Allie lean forward. Before I had time to tell her to stay out of it, it was too late. "Why do you two always have to do things like this?" she said. "All it does is get you in trouble. What's the point?"

"To prove we can," James said simply. "It's a matter of pride at this point. He thinks he's better than us and he's not."

"Of course he's not," she scoffed. "He's only a teacher who already thwarted the start of your silly pranks. There's no way he'll figure out the rest, or even realize it was you…" Allie leaned back in her chair when she realized they had stopped listening to her. Her eyes rolled at me and I shrugged. I had stopped trying to get them to listen to me a long time ago. She had to learn for herself that they couldn't be bothered with reason.

Our teacher had erased the board at this point, having successfully removed the stuck in piece of chalk. With said chalk he had written 'Impedimenta' and underlined the word before turning back to the class once more. "The Impediment Jinx," he began. "It is a spell used to hinder the target's progress, either by halting them in their tracks, tripping them, or blowing them completely backwards, depending on the strength of the spell."

Taking a pause, Coyle reached for the teacup on his desk. Instead of drinking from it, he raised an eyebrow to the contents of his cup, and promptly poured the tea into the plant next to the board. The leaves withered slightly, and I wondered what kind of potion James and Sirius could have possibly dared to put in his tea. Coyle tossed the cup into the bin under his desk, making me believe the potion was one that leaves a residue.

"Mr. Black," Coyle said with a frown. "I seem to be in need of another teacup. Will you run up to my office? Should be another cup on the shelves to your right."

This time it was Sirius' turn to get a sour look on his face. Coyle hadn't drunk the potion, so that was failure number two. Now another part of their plans was being foiled by the good professor, and Sirius wasn't pleased. He didn't want to do what Coyle asked. There was no way around it that didn't involve condemning himself, though, so he had no choice. With his jaw set, Sirius got up from his table and headed to the back of the classroom, where there was a door that connected to Coyle's office. He placed his hand on the knob, but didn't turn it.

"Is it locked, Mr. Black?" Coyle wondered innocuously. "Surely you know how to unlock a door."

Sirius didn't say anything. He gritted his teeth and turned the knob, pulling the door towards him. When the door opened, a large amount of water splashed out of the doorway, coming from a large rubbish bin that appeared to have been propped up on the other side. Sirius was soaked from his waist down, and a few Slytherin students sitting in the back got a bit of water themselves.

"Oh my!" Professor Coyle cried. "It seems I've got a prankster today! Well, I assure you, Mr. Black, whoever set that little trap had no intention of harming you, I'm sure."

I could see Sirius taking several deep breaths to calm himself down. "Do you still need that teacup, sir?" he asked, annoyed.

"I suppose not," Coyle replied. "But I do have a towel in my office if you wish to dry yourself off. Do be quick about it, though. Wouldn't want you missing the lesson. And if you don't mind, pick up that rubbish bin on your way."

Sirius did as he was told, and came back a few minutes later. He had dried himself off slightly, but he still had the towel, and he sat on it when he took his seat again. I wondered if there were any more little traps left in the classroom, and was rather pleased when the remainder of the lesson wasn't interrupted.

At the end of the lecture, Professor Coyle held us all for a moment after the bell. "I just want to say you all did very well today, and if any of you have information on the pranksters that disrupted our class, I would appreciate it."

There was a moment of silence, and then Severus Snape raised his hand. "Sir, I think that the persons responsible were in our class," he said, shooting a look at James and Sirius.

"Mr. Snape," Professor Coyle said, somewhat accusingly. "Are you trying to say that Mr. Potter and Mr. Black are in some way responsible for today's little mishaps? They were the butt of some of the jokes! Besides, they were almost late to class. When would they have had the time to set up those heinous pranks?"

Snape didn't have an answer, so the class was dismissed. I tried not to laugh while James and Sirius kept their mouths tightly closed, clearly uncomfortable with Coyle's attitude. We walked out of the classroom together and I turned to them after Allie had walked off with Rachel. "So, would you count today a success or an epic failure?" I asked them. That got a laugh from Peter.

"They were all half-hearted attempts, we admit," James said, taking the lead as we headed for the common room. "We underestimated him. It only means we have to double our efforts next time around. And there will be a next time."

"I still don't get it," I said. "How can you think he's a bad guy? You know he knew it was you. He didn't even get you in trouble for the things you did."

Sirius made a face. "We don't care about getting in trouble, Remus," he said. "I'd prefer to get in trouble. What he did was humiliate us, and that cannot be tolerated. I won't be made to feel like an idiot again."

I gave a little chuckle and continued to follow them up the stairs. Personally, I think they're taking this the wrong way. Coyle doesn't think they're idiots. Maybe he did humiliate them, but they aren't considering the fact that he didn't punish them besides throwing their pranks back in their faces. I think he wants to challenge them, and he's discovered that the only way to do that is to stoop to their level. He's quite the brilliant teacher, and I wish James and Sirius would realize how motivated they have become in their studies since they started their campaign against our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

I think I want to be Professor Coyle when I grow up.

**Entry #54 (Wednesday February 14, 1973) – Three Days Before**

This Valentine's Day was remarkably less hectic than last year. At least for me, anyway. I didn't have a confused girl fawning over me this time around, so I could imagine today was just like any other day. I wish it had been a little less like any other day, but I can't pick and choose when my symptoms have a stronger effect on me, and today hit me especially hard, despite the fact that the full moon isn't for a few days.

I went to the Hospital Wing right after Transfiguration, the first class of the day, when it felt like I wouldn't be able to stand anymore. Peter kindly escorted me, and Madam Pomfrey gave me a bed to lie on. There wasn't much she could do besides let me rest, so she put up the curtain to give me some privacy while she tended to her other patients.

Left essentially on my own, I spent my day listening with amusement as several older students came in under the influence of love potions or complaining of rather severe rebukes from the objects of their affections. I was quite glad to hide behind my curtain, not having to worry about such things.

Allie visited for a little while at lunch, sharing some chocolates her sister had picked up for her at Honeyduke's over the weekend. She also told me that James managed to ask out Piper over lunch, and that every other girl in our year seemed to think it was quite romantic of him to have asked on Valentine's Day. I said I was happy for James, but tried to steer her away from that particular subject. We talked about her siblings instead, as Mitchell had sent a rather ostentatious bouquet of flowers to his girlfriend this morning, and Allie wanted to marvel at the fact that he was still with Angela at all. She also told me that Erin seemed to have a boyfriend now, a Slytherin named Braxus Valery, and she said that Erin seemed remarkably less uptight now that she had someone to snog.

When she left, she promised to bring me homework, but she never came back after classes were over. I suppose she must have gotten busy, and it will be easier to just get the homework tomorrow if I end up missing class again. I'm sleeping in the Hospital Wing tonight. I hope I'll be feeling better so I can make it to class tomorrow.


	28. Chapter 28

***Aquira Says: Hey all! I decided to try my hand at photo editing to make the book cover for this story. Hope you all like it! I'm a bit disappointed you can't click the image to see a larger version (or can you?) since I'm rather proud of the image and the small scale doesn't quite do it justice. Anyway, as always, tell me what you thought of the chapter :)

**Entry #55 (Sunday February 18, 1973) – One Day After**

I didn't end up leaving the Hospital Wing. I wasn't feeling better the next morning, so Madam Pomfrey made the executive decision to keep me until after the full moon. Missing three days of classwork will be difficult to make up, and it got rather boring sitting all by myself in my hospital bed, but I'm feeling better now so I suppose it was worth it. Boring, but worth it. Things only got interesting again today when my friends decided to visit me after the nurse had retrieved me from the shack.

They were all standing over me when I woke up. At first I was surprised because I wasn't used to seeing James, Sirius, and Peter with me in the Hospital Wing. Then I saw Allie, who had a giant grin on her face, and she said, "They followed me. I didn't try to stop them."

I smiled. "I'm glad to see you all," I said. "It's been rather dull just sitting here with nothing to do for the past three days."

"We thought we'd come and cheer you up, Remus!" Peter said.

"That's why Pete came," James noted. "I came to see how horrible you look." He raised his eyebrows and gave me an once-over. "And I have to say, you look bloody awful, mate."

I made a face at him, hoping to accentuate how horrible I looked. "What do you mean, James? You don't think I look pretty?"

James, Sirius, and Peter laughed a little, but I sensed that they all felt uncomfortable making jokes about my condition just yet. Only Allie seemed to genuinely feel comfortable laughing at my joke, and she was the first to sit down and relax. Sirius caught her eye and took the hint, getting the other guys to sit down with him. "But really, Remus, how are you feeling?" he wanted to know. "We've been worried."

"I'm fine," I said. I was somewhat touched by the amount of concern in his voice. "The nurse always fixes me up enough so I don't look so 'bloody awful' when I make it back to the common room. I don't think I even injured myself much this time. Just a few cuts on my arm."

Sirius looked like he wanted to say something in response, something comforting by the expression on his face, but he dropped the smile and swore. "Damn it, Remus," he said suddenly. "I can't stand seeing you like this."

That took me off guard. "I'm sorry?" I tried. "I know I don't look the greatest, but if it makes a difference, I appreciate that you—"

"No," Sirius interrupted. "That's not what I meant. You're fine, Remus… I'm just having a hard time accepting that you have to go through this at all. It's not fair for you to deal with all this alone."

I didn't understand what he was saying. I was alone? All of the people I considered my closest friends were sitting with me while I recovered from my transformation, wanting to make sure I got better. They all cared about me and accepted me despite my condition, and I was very thankful for each of them. That was about the farthest from alone I could imagine. "I don't think I'm alone," I told him.

"You don't?" Sirius wondered. "Once a month you have to hide in your shack, all by yourself, and turn into a creature so bloodthirsty that you have to attack yourself just for the satisfaction of attacking something. No one goes through that with you and, no matter how supportive the rest of us are, we can never really understand what you have to deal with."

Frowning at him, I said, "I wouldn't want any of you to have to go through that. With or without me. It's awful."

"That's what I'm saying!" Sirius said. "We can never help you through this, and I just hate feeling so helpless. I want to do more than sit here and say you look like crap. That's not going to fix anything."

I tried to laugh. How else was I supposed to respond to a comment like that? "But that's all you _can_ do," I said. "Unless you want to work on a cure for lycanthropy…"

The others gave halfhearted laughs too, not sure what to do while Sirius was making such a fuss. "If that's what it takes," I heard Sirius mumble, just as James put his hand up to say, "I had a rather good Quidditch practice yesterday."

Allie jumped on the subject change, asking James if Quidditch practice was usually better or worse now that he was dating Piper, and we talked about that for a little while. I noticed Sirius still seemed rather sulky, but he eventually joined in the conversation, saying that the Gryffindor team was playing better now that there wasn't as much sexual tension.

After a long conversation that had somehow turned to a discussion of horrible camping trips, James announced that he had Quidditch practice. I think Sirius was still in his odd mood, and Peter had been watching all of James' practices, so they left with him. Allie stayed, wanting to help me get caught up on homework. I appreciated the help, but before she could open her book, I gave her a curious look. "What do you think Sirius was going on about?" I asked. "He was acting strange."

"He's worried about you," she said without thinking or even looking up at me. She had her book open and was trying to find the right page. "I know I was worried when I first found out. I looked in so many books to see if I could help somehow. He'll stop being upset when he realizes there's nothing to be done except to be there for you."

When she said it like that, I thought I understood why Sirius might be upset. It sounded so futile and, really, it was. My friends could be there for me all they wanted, but when it came to actually helping me, there were absolutely no options. I don't need them to help me, though. That isn't their battle. I just need them to continue being supportive, and I decided to express whenever I can how thankful I am that they're even willing to do that.

After making that promise to myself, I focused on the tutoring Allie was giving me. She finished explaining the homework and helped me through a few assignments before leaving me to rest again. As she left, she said we would finish the remaining work when I got back to the common room, but Madam Pomfrey hasn't cleared me to leave yet, so I suppose taking my seventh nap in the past four days won't hurt.

**Entry #56 (Saturday March 10, 1973) – Eight Days Before**

When I woke up this morning, I had a note pinned to my pajamas. My friends wouldn't leave a note pinned to my chest on my birthday for no reason, so I read it a few times, not quite understanding it and knowing it would be easier to make it through the day if I could decipher the meaning. The note consisted mainly of pictures, and all of the pictures had little captions next to them. It took me longer than I'm proud to admit to realize they were all drawings of my personal possessions, and it took me even longer to realize that the reason they were all grouped on this list was because they had been stolen.

The images on the note were as follows: me scribbling in a book, with the words, "Dear Diary, I have all these feelings inside…" in a little bubble over cartoon-me's head; a vaguely bag-shaped object with an arrow pointing to it that said, "Books go in here!"; cartoon-me again, wrapped in a coat, saying "Brr, I'm cold!" through a speech bubble; someone (a stick person) holding something I could only assume was a wand, saying, "Spells and such." The wand was circled; a clock attached to a chain with only eight numbers drawn on the face, not even in the correct order; and several brightly colored boxes, all of them labeled, "To Remus."

On the back of the note was a little map of our room, with an 'X' and the words, "You are here, but where is everything else? Oh, and happy birthday!" written above the drawing of my bed. Seeing this, I sighed. My birthday was going to be annoying again.

Down in the common room, my friends were waiting for me on the couches. I didn't return their ridiculous smiles and sat next to Peter, thinking him the least likely perpetrator. "All right, where did you guys hide my things?"

Sirius shook his head. "He never appreciates the fun we add to his life," he said to James before turning back to me. "It's a scavenger hunt, Remus. You have to find everything yourself. Outside help is permitted, of course, just not from us."

"So let me get this straight," I said, pulling the note from my pocket. I studied the little drawings and gave them a false smile. "You've taken my journal, the book bag that had all my school books in it, my jacket, my wand, the pocket watch my grandfather gave me, and my birthday gifts from all of you. Is that right?"

"Sounds about right," James nodded. "Except it's all your presents, not just from us."

I nodded, deciding to play along. I needed my wand, I wanted my journal, and I rather liked that pocket watch. "Fair enough," I said. "Are there any rules?"

This question seemed to confuse them at first, but then Sirius got a massive grin on his face, which he shared with James. James, too, caught on to the fact that I had opened the door for them to put whatever ridiculous parameters they wanted around this silly game, and I rolled my eyes, preparing for the worst. "All right, rule number one," Sirius began, sitting a little straighter as his excitement grew. "We will answer yes or no questions about the location of your things if you ask your questions in a Welsh accent. Number two. You must collect the items in the order they appear on the list. And number three. When you find an item, you must carry it with you until all the other items have been found."

Seeing that Sirius didn't have any more rules to add, James jumped in with a few of his own. "Number four. If you find an item that is not the next item on the list, we will not answer questions about the skipped items," he said. I saw Sirius nodding his approval of these additions. "Number five. Allie is not allowed to help you think of questions to ask us. Number six. We will tell you the exact location of an item if you request and successfully complete a dare."

"Or a truth?" Peter piped in. Having assumed he at least wasn't going to make this more difficult for me, I gave him a sour look. He shrugged sheepishly, and I sighed.

"Yes, a truth as well, I suppose," James agreed. "Number seven. Giving up will not accomplish any results except not finding your things. And number eight. You can't use your wand when you find it. Especially not on us. Anything to add, Peter?"

He pondered this for a moment, and I hoped hid didn't have anything. There was this look on his face, though, and I knew he had thought of something. "Number nine," Peter said, offering an apologetic smile. "We reserve the right to hide more objects if it looks like you're finding things too fast. And number ten, just to make it even. We are not responsible for any property damage that may occur during this scavenger hunt."

I sat still for a moment, staring at the fireplace as I processed all of their stupid rules. I was rather tempted to take them up on rule number six and just ask for a bunch of dares to get my things back, but I decided against it. There was no telling what they might dare me to do. It was James and Sirius after all, and they have absolutely devious imaginations. Even Peter had surprised me with his additions to the rules, so he wasn't to be trusted either. I thought it best to save rule number six for emergencies.

Taking one deep, calming breath, I looked up. "All right then," I said, hoping my Welsh accent wouldn't be horribly offensive. "Question number one. Is my diary located anywhere in Gryffindor tower?"

They all grinned at me, either because they were thrilled I was actually participating in their silly game, or because my accent was as awful as I feared. It didn't matter which. The grins made them all look evil either way. "Nope," Sirius said. "Next question."

"Is it in the library?" I asked, getting right to the worst possibility. I suppose if I changed my perspective, it could be seen as the best place to hide a book, but from my end it felt like the worst.

James' shoulders slumped. "Yes," he mumbled.

Satisfied, I stood and headed out the portrait hole. The guys got up and followed right behind me. "You're not mad about this, right Remus?" Sirius wondered as we walked. He threw an arm around my shoulders. "We're just trying to have I little fun on your birthday. You know, to celebrate."

"No, I'm not mad," I said. I allowed a little smile to show on my face, because I really wasn't angry. I had almost been looking forward to the mayhem they would create today, and hiding my things was relatively mild compared to what they could have come up with. "This might actually be fun if you haven't hidden my things in like the girl's bathroom or something. Plus it just gives me an excuse to be mean to you on your birthday."

"That's the spirit!" James cried, coming up on my other side and throwing his arm over Sirius'. Peter, feeling left out, squeezed himself between James and me, giving me an excited grin. We walked together like that, taking up most of the hallway until Peter tripped on James' robes, nearly brining the rest of us down with him. Laughing, I ducked out from under their arms and continued on my way to the library.

Once inside, I looked at the hundreds and hundreds of books the library had to offer. Usually that sight made me eager to explore, to find a book on something I hadn't learned about yet. Today, though, it filled me with anxiety, knowing my journal was hidden amongst the many volumes of text. I had to find it before someone else did. Standing there, staring at all the books, it struck me that maybe I should be a little upset that my friends had taken my journal. It was something that contained my deepest thoughts and secrets, and they had given it to the public so someone could stumble upon it and discover my condition. But if they had hidden it well, and I assumed they had, then it would be in a place where someone wouldn't normally search for books, especially a book with a blank leather cover.

I took a deep breath, thinking, and turned to my friends. "Is it in the restricted section?"

"That wasn't in a Welsh accent, Remus," Sirius warned.

"Can I do something so I don't have to speak in the accent anymore?" I asked after rolling my eyes. "I don't think I can keep it up. A dare? A truth?"

Peter jumped at this. "Oh, I have a truth!" he said. "It's a good one, too."

Exchanging looks, James and Sirius came to a silent agreement. They both nodded. "Go ahead, Pete," James said. "Then Remus can be a spoilsport… but only because it's his birthday."

Peter turned to me, and I found myself afraid of what he would ask. I'm not sure what I was worried about, to be honest. All of them knew my feelings for Allie, and they had already found out about my condition, so anything else they wanted to know would be fairly trivial. I suppose I was so used to keeping such a massive secret hidden from them that the latent panic was still there, and I swallowed, waiting for him to speak.

"Okay," Pete said. "Be honest. Who do you think is most annoying?"

Without hesitation, I grinned and said, "Sirius."

"I mean like out of everyone you know," Peter clarified. "Not just the three of us."

"Still Sirius," I said.

"Hey!" Sirius cried. "I'm not that annoying. Why me?"

I thought about that for a moment, tilting my head. "I believe I only had to answer one truth," I said. "So is my journal in the restricted section or not?"

He grumbled while James laughed and told me that no, my journal was not in the restricted section. I kept asking questions, very thankful I didn't have to keep talking like I was from Wales. Eventually I discovered, after about a dozen more questions, that they had hidden the notebook with the books about werewolves, and I couldn't help laughing at that as I crossed my journal off my list.

Thinking of where they might hide a book bag was slightly more difficult. I didn't think they would use the library twice. Where else would a book bag be found, though? I couldn't come up with anything, so I decided to be strategic about my questions. "Is my book bag in a classroom?" I wondered as we left the library.

"Yes," Sirius said.

That didn't really narrow things down much. I had no idea how many classrooms were even in the school. "Is it in the classroom of a class I am currently taking?"

Another yes, which meant I was starting to figure out their pattern. I thought to the books I had left in my bag from the night before. We had Charms, DADA, and History of Magic on Fridays, but I didn't think it would be in the Charms room because I was able to put that book away before lunch. I didn't think they would dare try to put my bag in Professor Coyle's classroom, so that left the History of Magic room. "Is it in Professor Binns' classroom?" I asked, just to clarify.

They all gave me incredulous looks. "How'd he figure it out so fast?" Pete said, giving me my answer.

"I hang out with you guys too much. You're becoming predictable." I smiled and made my way down to the first floor, leaving them to be confused as they followed after me. The bag was tucked under the chair I usually sat in, and I stuffed my journal inside before slinging the bag over my shoulder and crossing it off the list.

Instead of thinking about where they hid my jacket, I decided that we needed to get lunch. I had slept in and missed breakfast, so I was getting rather hungry. We went down to the Great Hall, which is where I finally ran in to Allie. She hopped up from the table when she saw us, as if she had been waiting for us to arrive, and threw her arms around me in a tight hug. She also pulled out a green box and handed it to me saying, "Happy birthday, Puppy."

I didn't have the opportunity to accept it, however, as James stepped in between us and snatched the box from her hands. "He's better at this than we anticipated," he said to her by way of explanation. "I'll be confiscating this."

He walked away to hide my present from Allie, and she stared after him, her face kind of frozen in the expression of confusion she had made when he first grabbed the box. "Did James just… steal your birthday present?" she asked me.

I shook my head. "No, he's just hiding it," I said, sitting down. She continued to look unsure, and I realized how strange it sounded out of context. "We're kind of playing a game. They're hiding a few of my things, and I get to try and find them. It's their way of celebrating my birthday, I suppose."

"And you don't get to help, Allie," Sirius told her sternly. He grabbed a plate and sat down next to me while Allie rolled her eyes, sitting down on my other side. Pete sat across from us and, once James rejoined the group a few minutes later, we spent the remainder of our lunch catching Allie up to speed on the rules of my scavenger hunt. She thought the game sounded fun and agreed to help. Or, rather, she agreed to tag along. As Sirius so delicately reminded her, she wasn't allowed to help.

When all of us were done eating, I pulled out my list and looked over the items I had yet to find. My jacket was next and, unlike with the bag where there weren't many obvious places to hide it, there were several places a jacket could be found. It could have been in a closet, in a wardrobe, or on a coat rack, it might have been outside where it would be useful, or they could have found someone to wear it around all day…

"Is my jacket in the castle?" I asked as we wandered out of the Great Hall.

"Yes it is," Pete said.

Several more questions revealed that my jacket wasn't in a closet or a wardrobe, but was hanging from a coat rack somewhere. I paused, trying to think of where any coat racks could be found in the school. I had only come up with two when Allie leaned over and whispered in my ear. "The teachers have a coat rack in the staff room," she said. "Seems like the kind of place they'd hide something."

I grinned at her while James gave us a suspicious look. "What did she just say to you?"

Allie shrugged. "I was only telling him I thought your hair looked nice today, James."

"I don't believe you," James said, his hand unconsciously going to his hair and mussing it up. "But thanks."

"My jacket is in the staff room, isn't it?" I wondered.

Their expressions told me all I needed to know. We made our way to the staffroom where we ran into Mr. Filch, which surprisingly turned out to be in my favor. He was suspicious of what we were up to at first, but I managed to convince him I was only there because I needed to speak with Flitwick, and he decided to let me in the staff room. Fortunately Flitwick wasn't inside, so I pretended to have made a mistake and grabbed my jacket when Filch's back was turned.

My friends and I quickly abandoned the area, trying to put as much distance between us and the groundskeeper as possible before bursting out laughing. As we caught our breath, I pulled on the jacket. I had to carry it with me, after all, and wearing it seemed to be the easiest option. When I motioned to sling the bag over my shoulder again, I felt something hard in my pocket press against my hip, and I stopped laughing.

It was my pocket watch.

Frowning, I held the watch up to my friends. "You put my pocket watch… in my jacket pocket," I said. "And it wasn't the next item on the list."

"No, I believe the next item was your wand," James said. He stopped laughing too, and he didn't sound the least bit sympathetic. "Tough luck, mate."

Peter was grinning, and Sirius was trying to hide a smile with his hand. "You can always ask for a dare," Pete suggested unhelpfully.

He was right. It seemed to be the only option if I wanted to find my wand. I had technically skipped an item on the list, which meant asking questions to find it was no longer allowed. Half wondering if they could have possibly planned this far in advance, I sighed and said, "All right, what's the dare going to be?"

They didn't even have to think about it. After a quick glance to one another, Sirius turned to me with a smirk and said, "Tell McGonagall you're in love with her."

I stared at him in disbelief. "Are you serious?"

"Yes, I thought you knew my name by now, Remus," he said. I didn't laugh.

No matter how much I protested, they would not budge. Either I professed my love to our Transfiguration teacher, or they wouldn't tell me where my wand was. If it had been any of the other items on the list, I would have turned down the dare and gone without, but I _needed_ my wand. I considered attempting to find it on my own, but I didn't have any clue where to begin looking, and I knew I had no choice. Already feeling the humiliation, I started for McGonagall's office, my friends right behind me.

Her door was open. I gave one final pleading look, and James shoved me inside, hovering near the doorway with the others to watch. McGonagall glanced up from her papers when she noticed me. "Mr. Lupin," she greeted. "How may I help you?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I have to tell you something," I said. My voice was a little shaky, and my eyes flicked over to my friends to see how much they were laughing.

"And what might that be, Mr. Lupin?" The look on her face was amused. She had seen my friends sniggering in the doorway and knew something was up.

"I'm…" I hesitated. Besides my parents, I hadn't ever told anyone I loved them before. It wasn't as if this stupid dare mattered, but it gave me an odd feeling to be saying my first 'I love you' to a teacher. It seemed like a big deal to me, and I found myself thinking of the person I actually wanted to say those words to. I glanced to my right again, catching Allie's eye, and I forced myself to speak. "I'm in love with you," I told McGonagall, without a single quaver in my voice.

She visibly balked. "Mr. Lupin," she exclaimed. There was a bit of red to her cheeks, and I wondered just how convincing I had been. "I don't know what Potter and Black have on you to make you do this, but I do not appreciate the joke."

I stammered in protest for a moment, not sure how far I was supposed to push this. It took McGonagall getting out of her chair and physically leading me out of her office to my cackling friends in the hall to get me to shut up. On her way back in, she shut the door behind her, leaving me to stand awkwardly while I waited for my friends to stop laughing.

"That was hilarious!" James managed to say, still choking out a few giggles. "I believed you for a second, Remus!"

I blushed. "Now where's my wand?"

Once they finally quieted down, they led me to my wand, which was hidden in the drawer of Peter's night stand. That just left my birthday presents, which were very easy to find after I learned each package was hidden in a different spot. The ones from my parents were under my bed. James hid his under a tree outside, and he had also placed Allie's up in the branches. Sirius took his all the way up to the owlery, and Pete hid his in the broom closet closest to Gryffindor tower. All were relatively obvious places to hide a present once I thought about it, and I was able to find them and open them all before we went down to dinner.

I received a new book from Allie, an assortment of joke items from Peter, cake and candy from James, and a new ink and quill set from Sirius. From my parents I got some new robes, as I have grown at least two inches since the start of the year and my old ones were getting short. All in all, it was a decent birthday. I have to say, though, if these 'pranks' from my friends keep escalating each year, I am not looking forward to turning 14.


	29. Chapter 29

**Entry #57 (Tuesday March 20, 1973) – Two Days After**

I still haven't caught up on homework. It seems I get more behind after each full moon, no matter how hard I try to keep up. To combat this, I decided to talk to the teachers who still expect a large amount of outstanding assignments from me. I convinced a few of them to forgive most of the assignments if I wrote an essay instead, which meant an evening in the library to get started.

When I got to the library after classes were over, Madam Pince was very helpful. She retrieved all the books I thought I would need and set me up at a study table so I could start on my work. I had wanted to work with my friends to possibly get some help, but James, Sirius, and Peter all got a detention while I was in the Hospital Wing yesterday. Apparently Blake Ramone had insulted James' flying skills, and all three of them ganged up on the Slytherin boy in the hallway to get revenge. I don't know the details of what they did to Blake, but I do know that it meant they couldn't help me with homework today. Allie couldn't help either because Lily was having some sort of fight with her sister and wanted someone to listen to her rant.

That's what I was told, anyway, when I had asked them for help. All were plausible excuses, so I went to the library to suffer through the boring work all by myself. I was about halfway through my Potions essay when I learned otherwise.

"I still think you should talk to him before you do this," I heard someone say. The voice was distant, as it was coming from behind a few bookshelves, but it was unmistakably Allie's.

"I just want to know the theory first," said another voice I recognized. "I'll bring it up if it leads to anything. You said you'd help, Allie. If helping means standing there scolding me, then I can do without, thanks."

I couldn't see it, but I could imagine the irritated expression Allie was making. "I do want to help, Sirius. I just think it would save some arguments later if we talked to him first."

Initially, the only thing registering in my brain was that Sirius and Allie had lied so they could spend time _together_ instead of with me. All the panic from before, from when she told me she was considering dating him, came bubbling up in my stomach. How could either of them do this to me? But then I actually paid attention to their words and their tones, and I realized just how foolish I was being. They obviously weren't in the library for some secret rendezvous. They were arguing about something… about some_one_. I considered confronting them, but didn't entertain that thought for long. If they had gone through so much trouble to lie to me, they didn't want me to know what they were doing. Instead, I put my quill down on the table and focused on listening.

"It would save some arguments now if you would just look for that book," Sirius said. "If he gets mad when I tell him, it'll be on me, not you. Quit worrying."

"Oh, don't snap at me," Allie retorted. "You're lucky I'm helping at all. I think it's a very dangerous idea, and I know I was only your backup plan. James and Peter have detention today, or you'd be here with them right now."

"You can leave," was Sirius' reply. "Like I said, scolding isn't helping."

Allie sighed. They were quiet for a moment, and I assumed they were looking for the book Sirius had mentioned. Then Allie sighed again, sounding more frustrated this time. "It _is_ a good idea, though," she said. "It's still dangerous, and reckless, and probably really stupid, but it's a _good idea_. If it might help him, then you can go for it. I can say I did my part, at least, by helping you find the right information."

I could practically hear the smirk on Sirius' face when he spoke. "You should learn that I am always right, Allie," he said. "Still not interested in joining me, though?"

There was a long pause as Allie hesitated. "I can't," she said sadly. "I don't think I'm strong enough to see him like that. I'm barely strong enough to see him afterwards."

At this point, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that the person they had been arguing about was me. I had no idea what they were trying to accomplish, but I did know it involved my lycanthropy, and I didn't like it. Again I wanted to get up and talk to them, but decided a better tactic would be to wait for them to approach me. Once they told me what they were working on, I could tell them how ridiculous they were being. Coming to this conclusion, I quietly packed up my things. Madam Pince let me check out all the books I had been using and I left the library to finish my homework in the Gryffindor common room.

A while later I learned that James and Peter, at least, hadn't been lying about their whereabouts. They came through the portrait hole with sour looks on their faces and joined me at my table, complaining loudly of having to scrub toilets for the past three hours. I asked them where Sirius was and James shrugged. "Dunno. Detention still, I suppose," he said. "He was in for something else, so he was with a different teacher."

I nodded my acceptance of his answer. I don't think James and Peter are aware of whatever Sirius and Allie are researching. Not yet, anyway, and I wasn't going to be the one to bring it up. Whatever it is, it's making me nervous.

**Entry #58 (Wednesday March 28, 1973) – Ten Days After**

Yesterday was James' birthday. I hadn't been informed of any plans, but I had been instructed to keep my evening free, so I knew something was going to happen. I sat through classes a little anxiously, wondering what Sirius' big plan was and hoping it wasn't something that could get us in trouble.

There was a bit of time after class for me to get some homework done, and then Sirius gathered us all together by the portrait hole. He had his book bag over his shoulder as he looked at each of us, smiling. "Ready, my fellow marauders?"

"Marauders?" I asked skeptically.

Sirius headed out to the hallway, raising his eyebrows at me. "One of the prefects called us that last year," he explained. "I kind of liked it. Don't you?"

"I like it," Peter said. "It makes us sound like pirates."

"Do we really need a group name, though?" I tried. "Isn't it, I don't know, silly?"

"See, Remus, what you just said…" James said. "That's like something a boring person would say when awesome people are trying to have fun. Don't be boring. It's my birthday." He clapped me on the shoulder and shot a grin to Sirius. "If Sirius wants to be a pirate, then I say let him be a pirate! Argh, matey!"

James started laughing, doing his best impression of a pirate as Sirius glowered. "Laugh all you want," Sirius said, walking a bit ahead of the rest of us. "'Marauders' is an awesome group name and you know it."

We all continued to laugh, catching up to Sirius so we wouldn't lose him on the stairs. "Where are we going anyway?" James asked curiously.

"Some place where there aren't any teachers," was Sirius' response. He seemed to be over the fact that we were making fun of him just a few seconds ago. "I have found the perfect empty classroom for a fun filled evening of debauchery." As he said this, we turned a corner and he stopped in front of a door, opening it wide and gesturing for the rest of us to enter.

We all followed his lead and stepped inside. The room was almost completely empty, save for two tables pushed to the back wall, a few dying plants, and a desk near the front. Sirius dropped his bag on the desk and opened it up to pull out two cases of Firewhiskey and the cake from James' mother.

"Blimey, where'd you get that?" James cried, running up to the desk. "Firewhiskey?"

"Yep," Sirius grinned. "I gave Neil Carmichael the money to pick some up last Hogsmeade weekend. Had to throw in a few extra Galleons to get him to do it."

James picked up one of the bottles and read the label with reverence. "This is going to be an amazing birthday," he declared after staring at the bottle a moment longer. He twisted off the cap, held the bottle up in a salute, and took a swig. Half the liquid spewed back out his mouth as he choked on the taste, but he was still grinning, and he gestured for the rest of us to take a bottle as he coughed. I reluctantly grabbed one of the bottles and opened it, clanging it together with the others' before taking a drink. It burned on the way down, but I managed not to choke, though Peter and Sirius both did.

For the rest of the evening we divided up the remaining bottles, though I gave up part of my share after the second bottle. Everyone was already acting stupid, me included, and I didn't want to completely intoxicate myself. The others didn't have my qualms, however, and gladly split up the bottles I didn't want, growing more ridiculous with each drink. The evening was eventually reduced to nonsense, such as James and Sirius waltzing around the room as Peter serenaded them with a song he made up on the spot about the wilted plants, or Sirius listing to me all the times he had kissed a girl, or Peter and James wrestling over the last slice of cake, or me asking way too many questions when someone tried to tell a story. The rest of the details are a bit hazy, but I do remember that it was a very fun evening.

This morning, my friends were absolutely miserable. I wasn't feeling too great myself, but I at least didn't vomit when I woke up. James considered saying he was too sick for class, but that would have meant a visit to Madam Pomfrey, who was sure to recognize the signs of too much Firewhiskey. He didn't want to explain that, so he joined the rest of us in suffering through the day.

Allie just rolled her eyes at me when I explained what happened. She wasn't mean about it or anything, but she didn't try to keep her voice down, and she nudged my chair whenever I put my head down to keep me from falling asleep. Sirius, James, and Peter growled at her whenever she spoke too loudly or shut her book a little too forcefully, and Allie just said, "Why should I mind what I do to compensate for your irresponsible behavior?" They didn't take too kindly to that, and tried to blame me for her actions.

It wasn't as if she was entirely unsympathetic, however. Seeing that we were clearly not improving, she made us drink a lot of water at lunch, which helped get rid of my headache a bit. Then she told us we could copy her notes later so long as we asked 'really nicely.'

I'm just glad the teachers didn't say anything. It was fairly obvious something was wrong with us, and we were hardly paying attention, which I'm sure they noticed. I think I can speak for all of us when I say we won't be experimenting with Firewhiskey again anytime soon.

* * *

><p>Tonks was about halfway through the next diary entry when there was a knock at her bedroom door. It took her a moment, and a second knock, to tear her eyes away from the page. She paused, wondering what she should do. If it was her father, she didn't have anything to worry about. If it was her mother… she hadn't spoken to her mother since her disastrous journey downstairs the morning before that had led to her parent's argument. It would not go over well for Andromeda to find Tonks holed up in her room reading Remus' diary.<p>

A third knock sounded and Tonks, slightly flustered, said, "Come in!" and shoved the diary under her comforter. She pretended to be waking up from a nap as the door swung open.

"Oh, I didn't realize you were sleeping," Andromeda said, stepping into the room. She sniffed, clearly not caring that she had woken her daughter up. "Well, it's nearly noon. You should be awake by now anyway."

Tonks sighed. "Did you need something, mum?" she asked impatiently.

Her mother hesitated, and sat down on the bed next to Tonks' feet. She rested a hand on Tonks leg. "Your father and I have been talking," she began. "He seems to think I am being too harsh on you. Do you think I'm being too harsh, Dora?"

"What kind of question is that?" Tonks sat a little straighter, pulling her leg back from her mother. "I was just left by my husband with a _human being growing inside me_. It hasn't even been a week and you're acting like I should be fine."

"I'm not presuming that you should be fine," Andromeda retorted before Tonks could say any more. "I just think this is an opportunity to—"

At the word 'opportunity,' Tonks gave a little exasperated gasp. "Yes, an opportunity for you to get rid of a son in law you hate!" she said. "But whether you like it or not, this baby, your grandchild, is a part of _him_. I love _him_. If he ever comes back, I will go with _him_ to our house to raise our baby. It has nothing to do with you. So to answer your question, no, you're not being too harsh. You're being selfish." Her eyes stung with tears as she stared at her mother, her breathing hard.

"Selfish?" Andromeda cried. "Is it selfish of me to take care of you while your husband is gone? To offer to help raise this baby when it comes? If that is the case, I am terribly sorry."

Tonks took a deep breath to steady herself before speaking again. "Mum, I am very grateful for what you've been doing for me. Really I am," she said. "But I don't want your help if all we're going to do is fight."

"I don't want to fight, either," Andromeda replied, sounding slightly less snippy. "But—"

"No buts!" Tonks interrupted. "You took your chances with dad, and it worked out. It didn't go that way for me, and all you can do is tell me you were right. You're supposed to be supportive! You're supposed to understand. What if dad had left you? Would you have gone back to your mother and taken her abuse?"

That got Andromeda to pause for a moment. "No, I suppose I wouldn't have," she said finally. "Your father didn't leave, though…"

"Don't compare Remus to dad," Tonks argued. "Yes, dad was muggleborn, but Remus had to face so much more prejudice. With dad, it was only your family that disapproved. With Remus, it's the whole world. Not even other werewolves approve of him getting married. I think he wanted to save me from that."

Andromeda remained quiet for a moment longer, gazing into her daughter's eyes as if seeing her for the first time. Then she sniffed and blinked her eyes quickly, clearing away the tears that had been threatening to fall. "You know, Dora, I usually only see your father in you," she said, her voice strained. "Sometimes I wondered if I had any influence on you at all. But that, everything you just said, that was every bit as headstrong as I was at your age." She paused, an odd look on her face, as if it were uncomfortable for her to admit fault like this. "I had forgotten what it was like, trying to be accepted for who I loved. I forgot how hard it was to fight with everyone, to defend my opinions until I finally had to leave everything else behind. Until this moment, I didn't realize how close I was to pushing you to do the same. I still don't like the man much, but it is your life. I am very sorry I have not respected that."

Both women were silent, not knowing what to say to each other. Finally Tonks gave her mother a small smile, and got a relieved one in return. "Mum, I miss Remus," she said meekly, her eyes welling up again.

"I know you do, darling," Andromeda said softly. She leaned towards her daughter and wrapped her arms around her, stroking her usually vibrant hair. "I promise I won't say another bad word about him until this whole mess is over with. If that means you getting over him and moving on, I'll be here to support you. And if that means he comes back and you go with him, I won't try to stop you. Goodness knows I didn't listen to my mother when she tried to get me to leave your father, and I wouldn't expect any less from my own daughter. I just want the best for you. I just want you to be happy again."

Tonks started to cry, hugging her mother closely. "I love you, Mum," she said through the tears.

"I love you too, Dora," Andromeda said.

They stayed like that for a while, Andromeda holding her daughter while she cried until Tonks finally had herself under control. Tonks rubbed her eyes as she pulled back, and Andromeda said gently, "Why don't I make you some lunch? You're probably getting hungry by now."

"Yeah, I'd like that." Tonks smiled again, and together they ventured down to the kitchen, where they found Ted reading the Prophet at the dining table. When Tonks sat down next to him, he glanced up, noticing her blotchy cheeks with raised eyebrows.

"Everything all right, Dora?" he wondered, his eyes flicking over to his wife, who was digging vegetables out of the cooler. "Your mother didn't say something nasty, did she? I can talk to her again if you want."

"Everything is fine, dad," Tonks replied. She too looked over at Andromeda, and was unable to stop the smile spreading across her face. For the first time since finding it, the diary was the last thing on her mind.

* * *

><p>***Aquira Says: I'm so glad I've been finding the time to write again! It always makes me so happy to finish and publish another chapter. Thanks for reading, I appreciate each and every one of you! Review if you liked it, or even if you didn't. I like to know how I'm doing :)<p> 


	30. Chapter 30

**Entry #59 (Tuesday April 3, 1973) – Thirteen Days Before**

I had wanted to do something special for Allie's birthday. Unfortunately, like last year, I didn't have any ideas. I felt bad about it, especially when I met up with her at breakfast. She greeted me with a bright smile. "You're looking well today," she said, putting jam on her toast. "No moon tonight. I think my birthday fell on a good day this year."

I nodded as I sat next to her. "Yes, that way I will be bursting with energy for our raucous night of… essay writing, is it?" I grinned. "Or shall we be making star charts?"

"That's about as exciting my birthday usually is, huh?" Allie wondered, sighing ruefully. "No scavenger hunts or exploding cakes or firewhiskey…"

Raising my eyebrows in amusement, I said, "We can always ask James or Sirius to think of something. I'm sure they would be more than willing to celebrate with you."

"Please, no!" she cried suddenly. "I don't think I'm ready for their particular kind of celebrating just yet. I would rather not end up professing my love to McGonagall at the end of the day, thank you."

I laughed, blushing slightly, and started on my breakfast. Allie didn't seem too bothered that there weren't any exciting plans for her birthday, but she still had that wistful expression on her face that made me want to do something for her. There wasn't much to be done at Hogwarts for a couple of second years, though, and at first I drew a blank. Then, thinking a little deeper, I considered what she had said to me about the moon and how well I looked, and I started to develop a plan.

"I have an idea," I offered. "Why don't we go for a long walk after class? You know, explore the grounds a bit."

She smiled at me. "I think I'd like that very much," Allie said.

We finished our breakfast about ten minutes later and wandered out to the greenhouses for Herbology. It was a boring practical lesson, and the rest of the day was a usual Monday, with Transfiguration and Double Potions being the other classes we had to sit through. James had to help me correct a rather horrible mess-up in Potions, but otherwise the day was uneventful. Once classes were over, Allie and I got our homework under control, grabbed a quick dinner, and then wandered out the front doors.

It was a surprisingly nice afternoon, with the sun still up for a few hours and a slight breeze in the air, blowing Allie's hair every which way. She grumbled and tried to control her tresses, to no avail. I laughed at her, which got me a scowl and a playful nudge of her elbow, but she laughed too and we headed for the path that wound around the lake.

We talked and joked and laughed as we walked, and Allie seemed to be having a good time. Once we had walked quite a ways, I stopped and turned to her, hesitating for a moment with my words. She smiled up at me with a questioning look, wondering what I wanted to say. Allie looked expectant, and I found myself wondering what she might be _wanting_ me to say. I feared if I stared at her much longer, looking into her lovely blue eyes, that I would say the wrong thing, the thing I wasn't ready to say yet, so I cleared my throat and steeled myself. "I have something I want to show you," I said.

Her smile didn't fade. It merely shifted, turning into an expression of amused curiosity. "What is it?" Allie asked.

"Come with me, this way," I told her, taking her by the hand to lead her down a different path. As we made our way across the route I had traveled so many times, I debated whether this was as good an idea as I thought. Allie _had_ expressed interest before, many times actually, but I didn't know if it was a place she truly wanted to see or if it was just something she had said to make me feel less awkward. As I considered that possibility, I felt my jaw clench. No, I didn't think she would have said it if she didn't mean it. I trusted her completely, and I wanted her to see this, if only to show her that trust.

That is how we found ourselves carefully making our way across the castle grounds an hour before curfew, venturing towards the whomping willow. When we reached it, Allie and I stood there, staring at the swaying branches a safe distance away. I glanced at her, nervous. "The willow," I said. My voice cracked slightly.

"Oh, Remus," she said, sounding rather breathless. "Your shack?"

I nodded, slowly and carefully. "We don't actually have to go in," I tried. "I know it isn't the best place for a birthday, but I thought you might—"

"No, I want to go," Allie interrupted, staring fixedly at the tree, almost as if she were challenging it. Then she turned to me, and I noticed her eyes were watery. "Thank you. This is wonderful."

I didn't know what to say. Instead of answering, I grabbed the branch Madam Pomfrey always used and prodded the knot on the tree trunk that worked to still the branches. Instantly the tree stopped moving and, still holding on to Allie's hand, I stepped forward to the small opening near the roots. Her grip on my hand tightened as we made our way through the tunnel, and when we reached the end, I noticed her breathing came a little quicker. "Like you said, there's no moon tonight," I said, raising an eyebrow in concern. "There's nothing to be scared of."

Allie shook her head. "I'm not scared, Remus," she told me. "I'm just excited, I guess, that you're willing to show me this place. You're always so… private about your condition…"

"It's not something other people should worry about too much. There's nothing they can do." I shrugged, thinking of the conversation she had been having with Sirius in the library. I remembered her words, what she had said about not being able to see me transformed, about barely being able to see me after I was myself again. If I had my way, this would be as close to seeing me during a transformation as she, or anyone, would ever get.

When she didn't reply, I held out my other hand and helped her up, hoisting myself up after her. I glanced over to her when I was on my feet again and saw that Allie stood very still, her wide eyes scanning the room, taking in every stain, every torn section of wallpaper, every broken piece of furniture. It really was a wreck—a wreck I had created. I wished desperately to know what was going on inside her head, but I didn't ask her anything, leaving it to her to share her thoughts when she was ready.

"My sister thinks this place is haunted," Allie said finally. She turned around to look at me. Her eyes were still wide in amazement, but she was smiling. "There are quite a few rumors in Hogsmeade. I think the most popular is that the man who had this house built died and is now quite the violent ghost. Erin says people think he moved in before the house was finished, got killed by a falling support beam or something, and that his ghost killed the builders, too, when they came to finish working. That's how they're explaining all the noise going on in here every month. A few of them started calling this place the Shrieking Shack."

"Really?" I grinned.

"You're becoming quite terrifying, Puppy," she said, trying not to laugh. She grabbed my hand again and pulled me forward to the hallway. "I want to see the rest."

I reluctantly agreed, taking the lead and giving her a brief tour of the first floor. As eager as she was, it didn't take long for the smile on her face to falter. Seeing the dried blood stains on the floor, the many holes where I had thrashed into the walls, and all the furniture I had smashed soon had her growing very quiet.

Noticing this, I made her follow me back to the main room, and we sat facing each other on the floor next to the ruined couch. Her skin seemed a bit paler than usual, and I thought I saw her hands shaking. "Are you feeling okay?" I asked tentatively, worried I really had scared her.

"Yes," she said. "Just…" Her voice trailed off and she stared down at her legs, which were crossed under her.

It didn't sound like she was going to continue. "Just… what?" I prodded anxiously.

A moment passed before she glanced up again, finally seeing my face. I must have looked quite distressed, because her eyes filled with concern and she reached out to put her hand on my knee. "Just that I didn't think it would be so upsetting…" Allie said carefully, and I thought she might have been keeping tears out of her voice, "to see what it's like for you every month. All that blood… I'm not usually squeamish, but it's so much of _your_ blood. I hate thinking about what you went through to—what you'll always have to go through—to make this much of a mess."

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, not sure what else to say.

"Don't be sorry," she said. "I'm not upset—not with you. If anything, I'm upset you have to go through this at all. Seeing this place makes it so much more real to me… but I'm glad you brought me here, Remus."

I smiled and looked down at her hand, which was still resting on my leg. "So, not an entirely horrible way to spend your birthday?" I wondered.

"Of course not," she grinned. "I'm with my best friend. I wouldn't have it any other way."

I paused, about to say something more, but her words made me stop and think. _Wouldn't have it any other way_… Not that I had been about to profess my feelings for her, but I had been considering the idea quite a lot recently, trying to work up some sort of nerve so that maybe, someday, it wouldn't be so completely unreasonable of me to ask her out. Was that comment a subtle implication that I shouldn't, or was I reading too much into it?

"Do you want to see the rest of the place?" I offered instead.

When she agreed, Allie followed me upstairs, where I gave her a quick tour of the rooms, trying not to linger too long in places I had left a lot of damage. Eventually we stopped in the bedroom, where the four poster bed stood, rather undamaged. Allie stepped over to it, reaching out to touch the soft curtains. "You haven't ruined this much, have you?" she noted, and sat down.

I joined her. "No I haven't. I try to stay out of this room," I explained. "The bed is rather comfortable. Don't want to ruin it, you know? Never know when you're going to need a bed away from the rest of the castle."

Allie gave me a look, then, and I wasn't sure what to make of her expression. Had I implied something…? I went red, realizing what that comment might have sounded like, and quickly stared at my feet, hoping she wouldn't notice. "It _is_ comfortable," she said, bouncing once on the mattress. Either she was choosing to ignore it, or she hadn't noticed the unintended implication of my words. "And I'm sure it gets tiring sharing a room with James and Sirius. I'd definitely want the option to sleep in another room from them. Do you ever get any sleep, or do they bother you all night?"

"They like sleep too much to bother me all night," I said with a laugh. "It's when they wake up that's the problem." She laughed too, flopping backwards onto the bed and grabbing my wrist to pull me back with her. I was careful to angle myself slightly away from her, to make sure I wasn't lying _right_ next to her.

We were quiet for a moment, and I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye, catching her staring at me too. She blushed, then fixed her gaze pointedly up at the ceiling, saying, rather awkwardly, "So, have you decided on your elective classes for next year yet?"

That conversation carried us for a while. I told her I had picked Arithmancy, Care of Magical Creatures, and Muggle Studies. Her list was similar, except she had picked Ancient Runes in place of Arithmancy. We debated teachers, the importance of certain subjects we had not put on our lists, and which of our classmates we would actually have class with next year. After a while, I realized how late it must be getting and motioned to get up.

Allie grabbed my hand and pulled me back down to the bed, where I ended up a little closer to her than I had been. "No, I'm not even tired," she argued, though her eyes had been threatening to close for the past ten minutes. "Let's not walk back just yet."

"We have class in the morning," I reminded her.

"I don't mind," she said. She still hadn't let go of my hand, and her eyes were drooping shut again. "I want to stay out here."

I didn't try to reason with her. It was her birthday, after all, and I knew I could always wake her up if she actually fell asleep. What I didn't count on was how tired I was getting, and I found myself closing my eyes as she mumbled some story about her brother that I don't really remember…

When I woke up this morning, I was still in my shack, with Allie's hand resting a few inches from my fingertips. I almost reached out and grabbed it, but I thought about the previous night and held myself back, watching her sleep for a moment instead. I knew we had to get back to the school soon for class, but I also knew we had History of Magic first thing, and wasn't in any rush. We had stayed up late, and missing a lecture from Professor Binns wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. For all I knew, we had already missed it. With all the windows boarded shut and without Madam Pomfrey to retrieve me at the right time, I couldn't tell what time it was and decided to let Allie sleep.

About twenty minutes later, her eyes opened and she stretched out her arms, nearly hitting me in the face. "Watch it," I said as she sat up, looking around the room in confusion. "Did we sleep out here?" she wondered.

"It seems like it," I said, grinning. "If we didn't, I'm not sure how we're still out here."

She scowled at my teasing, and I had to hold my laughter back. Her hair was a mess, with her bangs sticking off to the side at an odd angle, and her eyes were having trouble opening all the way. "I just woke up," she mumbled, attempting to smooth her hair. "Don't pick on me."

I kept smiling, but didn't say anything else, letting her wake up the rest of the way. Then, as if realizing something, her eyes widened and she looked at me. "Are we missing class?" she cried, and she hopped up to her feet. "What time is it?"

Much less frantic than she was behaving, I stood up as well. "I don't know what time it is, but we should probably get back to the school. If we are missing class, we don't want to miss much more."

She nodded in agreement and together we made our way down the stairs and out the tunnel. When we reached the base of the tree, I saw that it was indeed light out and hoped that everyone was either in class or still at breakfast. That way, we could sneak up to the common room and only have to deal with a few older students that probably wouldn't know us. If it was in between periods, someone on their way to Herbology could spot us near the whomping willow and have a few questions I didn't necessarily want to answer. We were lucky and saw no one as we crept across the grounds and up to Gryffindor tower.

As I quickly changed into clean robes, I took a moment to check the time. History of Magic would still be going for ten more minutes, giving us plenty of time to get ready and make it to Potions. I relaxed a bit, then, and didn't rush to finish getting ready.

Just as I threw my bag strap over my shoulder and was about to head down to the dungeons, the door opened to the dormitory, and Sirius was there, looking very surprised to see me. Though he was confused, he didn't say anything. He merely stepped over to his trunk, grabbed his Potions book, and waited for me to walk with him. I hesitated, thinking of Allie, but shrugged and joined him, knowing I could meet up with Allie again in the classroom.

We walked out the portrait hole together, and Sirius finally spoke up about halfway down the hall. "Are you going to tell me what happened to you last night, or do I have to make some deductions?" he said, raising an eyebrow.

"Deductions?" I wondered.

"Well," he began, sounding bored, "yesterday was Allie's birthday… Both of you missed our first class… You never made it to the dorm last night… Oh, and you're hopelessly in love with her."

I understood the look on his face, then. "That doesn't mean anything happened," I argued.

Sirius didn't believe me. "Then where were you last night?"

"I was out in my shack," I said, and Sirius' eyes widened in confusion. "Allie wanted to see it, and we ended up falling asleep out there. Nothing scandalous."

Frowning, he pondered this for a moment. "You know, I think I'm more upset that nothing happened. For, like, the millionth time you have failed to ask her out at what was probably the perfect opportunity."

I rolled my eyes. "Actually, she said something last night that made me think she doesn't want me to ask her that, ever," I said, wishing my stomach wasn't so uncomfortably tight. "So, I'd say it wasn't the 'perfect opportunity.'"

"What did she say?"

"She told me I was her best friend, and that she wouldn't have it any other way," I said. "I think that means she just wants to stay friends."

"Maybe," Sirius said, though he didn't sound convinced.

We had made it to the Potions room at that point, so he stepped ahead of me, seeing James. He walked by where Allie had already taken a seat and shot me a grin before turning to her. "Missed you in History of Magic today," he said. "What could have been so important that you skipped class?"

She seemed a little shocked by his addressing her. "I overslept," she said quickly. I thought she might have been blushing. "Is that a problem?"

"No," he shrugged. "Except Lily told me you weren't in the dorms last night, either."

Allie was definitely blushing now. She stammered for a moment before collecting herself and saying, very confidently, "It's none of your business, Sirius."

Sirius shrugged again and walked backwards to his seat next to James. As he sat down, he shot me another look, a look I could clearly interpret. The look said, in his obnoxiously superior voice, "Or maybe not."

I ignored him and sat down next to Allie. "What did you say to him?" she asked.

"Nothing," I replied. I didn't tell Sirius this, but thinking about it, the fact that Allie was so embarrassed to have spent the night with me kind of supported my 'she doesn't want me to ask her out' theory.

* * *

><p>Back in her room after the rather pleasant morning spent with her parents, Tonks wished her mother would come back in and make her abandon the diary again. Like much of the diary, this entry hadn't been very comforting. Of course Allison hadn't been embarrassed about their evening spent together. She had just wanted to keep the matter private, to not talk about it with Sirius, who undoubtedly would make lewd jokes. Soon the Remus in the diary would realize that, and Tonks knew she would have to read about a romance her husband had kept from her for their entire relationship. That concept was bad enough, but there was something else that had her upset, another thought that had occurred to Tonks several times already. She didn't want to think about it, didn't want to consider it, but the thought came back every time she read something new in the diary, and Tonks finally allowed herself to ponder the possibility.<p>

Remus might not have just run off. Reading everything he had written, she couldn't help worrying that Remus was with Allison at that very moment, reconciling for whatever might have happened between them while Tonks sat alone, growing more pregnant each day. She didn't want to believe Remus was that kind of man, the kind of man who would leave a pregnant woman for someone else just because he didn't want to face his mistakes. She knew in her heart that he wasn't like that, but the fear was there. She couldn't help it. He obviously cared for Allison a great deal, and if he wasn't happy with Tonks, then who's to say he wouldn't go back to a time where he was happy?

Of course, that theory all depended on the reason Allison was no longer in Remus' life. Nothing in the diary so far had given any hint as to why they were no longer friends, and Tonks tried to consider all the possibilities. Allison accepted Remus' lycanthropy, but maybe something had changed her mind. Could she have seen him during a transformation? Or maybe Remus had finally told her his true feelings, but as he had always feared, she didn't reciprocate and drifted away. Or, if she had reciprocated, maybe her parents didn't approve and forced them apart. Allison could have found someone else to love, or Remus' crush could have faded, or she could have moved away after school, or, or, or…. The list went on.

Only some of those theories postulated that Allison was permanently out of Remus' life. Quite a few of her theories left a chance for reconciliation, and Tonks felt sick with worry for her husband. Had he decided to find Allison again, or was he just off alone, avoiding Tonks? Which option was worse, she couldn't decide. Would it be easier to understand that he couldn't love her because he was still in love with someone else, or that he just didn't want to love her?

* * *

><p>*Aquira Says: Whoops, thought I already posted this! Turns out, I just uploaded the document... Oh well. Let me know what you thought, lovely readers!<p> 


	31. Chapter 31

**Entry #60 (Sunday April 15, 1973) – Two Days Before**

I suppose I always expected a day like today to happen. My friends have a certain predictableness to them that makes spending time with them almost tiring. For example, James and Sirius play pranks. More specifically, they play mean pranks on people they dislike, and silly pranks on people they get along with. They dislike Severus Snape. Therefore, it is not at all surprising that they pulled a rather horrible prank on Snape at breakfast today.

As I understand it, Sirius and James brewed up a potion that would have made sitting very painful for Snape had they succeeded in slipping it into his juice. Fortunately for Snape, he has bonded with Rachel Stokes over their mutual hatred of my friends and me, and she was sitting near him this morning. So, while Snape was in the bathroom and James tried to spike his drink, Rachel caught on and threw a goblet at James' head. Naturally, Sirius jumped to James' defense by shooting a stinging hex at Rachel, and everything escalated rather quickly from there. The fight only stopped when McGonagall intervened by grabbing James by the ear and using her wand to immobilize Rachel and Sirius.

I didn't actually witness any of this. The full moon is in two days, so I was tired enough to sleep in until sometime after lunch. When I finally woke up and came down to the common room, I only found Allie reading a book by the window. "Where is everyone?" I asked, flopping into the chair next to hers. "James and Sirius always put off their homework until Sunday. Are they in the library?"

She shook her head, putting down her book. "I'm guessing they're still in detention," Allie said. "They're probably doing homework there, though."

I gave her a confused look, but sighed, not really surprised. "What did they do this time?" I wondered.

Allie gave me a smile that was closer to a grimace. "They got in a massive fight with Rachel at breakfast," she said, and she proceeded to regale me with the tale. When she was finished, she rolled her eyes, and I could guess she was experiencing the same weariness I felt from repeatedly dealing with stubborn friends. "It's not as if Rachel even likes Severus all that much. She just hates Sirius and James enough that she'd probably stick up for anyone if it meant a chance to fight with them."

I nodded, knowing that it wasn't just Sirius and James that Rachel hated. She seemed to hate a lot of people, but maybe it only seemed that way because she hated everyone I associated with. For a moment, I wondered if she had ever told Allie she knew about my condition, if she'd ever actually explained the reason she disliked me so much or if she tried to sway Allie to her way of thinking. I pushed the thought aside, though, realizing that it didn't matter. If Rachel had said anything, Allie hadn't listened.

I was about to suggest Allie and I go for a walk, just to change the subject, when the portrait hole opened and in walked James, alone, looking rather disheveled. He had a bruise on his chin that I assumed was from the fight at breakfast, his hair was even messier than usual, and he had a touch of a limp to his right leg. He spotted Allie and me by the window and smiled, joining us.

"Had a good morning, did you?" I greeted.

He let out a laugh. "Not as good as the afternoon, and not nearly as good as Sirius' evening is going to be," he answered. He pointed to the bruise with a grin. "Did you know Rachel chucked a goblet at me?"

"I'd heard something like that," I said. "Where is he, by the way? Sirius? I thought you had detention together."

"We did," James said. "Now he's got detention again. Without me this time, because I'm not stupid. I can't keep missing Quidditch practice or Darryl will sack me."

"How did he get another detention?" I asked, suppressing a sigh.

Shrugging, James said, "Same way he got the first one. Had another fight with Rachel. It wasn't his fault though. Not this time. Rachel definitely started it this time. I mean, yeah, we were the wankers who started the mess at breakfast, but Rachel was the one who decided to get involved. She didn't see it that way, though, and told us we were both gits for getting her in trouble like that."

Allie made a face. "So you guys fought with her again? That was stupid. Never take the bait with Rachel."

"_I _didn't!" protested James, throwing his arms up in defense. "I may have called her a rather inappropriate name in response, but I got back to my work after. No harm, no foul. No way would I risk missing practice tonight. Sirius though, got out of his chair and shouted right back at her. He told her that she wouldn't have gotten in trouble if she'd just let us bother Snape, which is true, but Rachel fired back. She sure can be nasty when she wants to be."

"No kidding," I muttered, and at the same time I heard Allie say, "I could have told you that." She gave me the smallest of smiles before turning back to James.

He kept going with his story. "I was trying to break them up when McGonagall came back in," he said. "Didn't want her to pinch my ear again so I tried to get out of the way. I kind of tripped when I did that, which is how I hurt my knee, but McGonagall pretty much ignored me while she yelled at Rachel and Sirius. Then she made them sit facing each other and told them they'd have to stay like that for one hour without making faces or saying nasty things to the other person. If either of them slipped up, they'd have to stay another hour. Glad I got out of there when I did. I reckon they'll be there until next week."

I almost laughed. "They can't leave until they make a full hour without arguing?"

"They'll never leave!" Allie cried.

James grinned, and we all started cackling about the situation, imagining all the ways Sirius might kill Rachel, or, infinitely more likely, how Rachel might kill Sirius. When Peter joined us a bit later, after his tutoring session with Owen, we pretended to attend Sirius' funeral, where we commentated on how he probably deserved dismemberment, and remembered all of our not-so-fond moments spent with him.

The fun only ceased when Sirius came through the portrait hole. He didn't look at all pleased, but it didn't seem as if he'd been injured during his ordeal. None of us said a thing as he sat down, except James, who grinned broadly. "Just over three hours, Sirius. That's at least two hours of arguing with Rachel. What did it take to get you both to behave?"

Sirius grunted. "I didn't want to be there any longer than I had to, so I only argued back for the first twenty minutes or so," he said. "Eventually she got annoyed that I wasn't responding anymore, so she shut up too."

"That was rather sensible of you," I noted. "Had better things to do than bicker with Rachel all evening?"

He opened his mouth to respond, but his words were cut off by a pair of arms wrapping around his chest from behind. "I thought you'd never get back," said Carolina, kissing his cheek and making him smile.

I had almost forgotten about her, to be quite honest. Sirius doesn't spend much time with her, he hardly mentions her when she's not around, and normally he's dumped a girl before five months can go by. Realizing that he's still dating her is always somewhat of a shock. I shook it off, though, understanding that Carolina had been his motivation to get back to the common room as Sirius allowed her to lead him away from us and over to the fire.

James rolled his eyes. "That was… entirely expected," he said. Then someone called his name and he glanced back, getting the same stupid smile on his face Sirius had gotten. "Speaking of girlfriends, I've got Quidditch practice." With a hand ruffling up his hair, he strode over to Piper, who had his gear and broom with hers, and they went out the portrait hole.

That left just Peter sitting there with Allie and me. He gave us a look, almost as if he were wondering whether or not the two of us would run off to do couple-y things too. I gave him a sour look in return, to tell him of course not, and he laughed. He clearly didn't believe me, and a moment later, he left us alone. I spent the rest of the afternoon with Allie getting ahead in our homework, so I wouldn't fall behind when the moon came around.

Yes, today was very… entirely expected.

**Entry #61 (Saturday April 21, 1973) – Four Days After**

Today is the start of the Easter holiday and, even though we were given plenty of homework to do, my friends decided to postpone all of our assignments for the obviously more important task of complaining about how bored they were. Normally I would just ignore them and go do my homework with Allie, but she's gone home for the week to see her brother. That meant I had no choice but to endure their wails of boredom and their disparaging remarks whenever I suggested something to do.

"Well, what do _you_ want to do, then?" I eventually asked, looking over the pages of my book at James, who had been the most vocal complainer.

Infuriatingly, he shrugged. "I don't know," he said.

"Oh!" Sirius suddenly jumped up from his chair, very excited as he stared at James. "You know that _thing_ we've been planning? I think now would be an opportune time to… make our preparations."

James' face lit up at the idea Sirius had presented. Then he glanced at me, kind of like I wasn't supposed to be there, and then Sirius did too, and I understood what they were getting at. They wanted to do something I would disapprove of, and they couldn't talk about it with me sitting right there. "Ah, well, I still wanted to get some homework done," I said pointedly. It didn't bother me that they weren't including me in their plans. I probably wouldn't enjoy myself anyway.

They shared relieved smiles, especially when I asked Peter to come along with me to the library. I guess they didn't want Pete tagging along either. He does slow them down sometimes when they need to make a quick getaway, and I suppose now was one of those times. As we left the two of them alone to whatever they were going to do, they assured us they'd catch up later, and we made our way down to the library.

Doing homework with Peter went exactly as anticipated. I got some assignments done, but I spent more time helping Peter with his work than doing my own. I didn't really mind, though, since he wasn't a difficult student. He just needed another explanation, a second phrasing of the lesson, to get what he was supposed to do.

We spent close to three hours in the library before Sirius and James showed up. They had enormous grins on their faces, but they wouldn't explain why. "The less you know, Remus, the better," Sirius intoned, pulling up a chair at our table.

James sat next to him. "It'll save you the trouble of lying later," he added.

Rolling my eyes, I said, "I probably don't want to know anyway."

"Very wise, Remus," Sirius said. We then chatted for a bit about how boring the rest of the week was going to be and I tried to convince my friends that now would be a perfect time to do homework, but again they weren't interested. Instead, they decided we should go down for dinner, and we left the library to head towards the Great Hall.

On the way down, Peter had to stop and use the bathroom. The rest of us waited for him just down the hall, standing in front of a large mirror that reached all the way to the ceiling. James tried a discreet glance at the mirror to check the messiness of his hair, gave it a quick tousle, and looked away. Sirius on the other hand, turned to the mirror and frowned at himself, changing his expression to see the many facets of his face. They kept at this for several minutes, Sirius blatantly flirting with himself and James pretending he wasn't checking his hair. I tend to avoid mirrors, so I was free to observe this ridiculous behavior, and I did not succeed when I tried to hold in my laughter.

My enjoyment of the situation didn't go unnoticed, and James flushed. "Sirius, what are you doing?" he admonished. I could see him struggling to not look in the mirror again.

With a rather ostentatious hair flip, Sirius fluttered his eyes at us. "Oh, Potter, I'm the most beautiful thing you've seen, and you know it," he said.

"I'd beg to differ."

Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "Oh yeah? What, you think you're prettier? I saw you looking at yourself. Unfortunately, though, you can't compete."

"I'd beg to differ," James repeated, puffing out his chest a bit. He stood next to Sirius in the mirror and made what he imagined to be an alluring face. Sirius did the same, and was admittedly more successful. I just watched with a mixture of horror and amusement as they competed in what I can only describe as a posing contest, making absurd faces and twisting their hips until their butts stuck out.

My laughter was uncontrollable when Peter finally rejoined us. "What are they doing?" he asked me, joining my distress with his own look of fright.

"I have no idea anymore," I managed to choke out.

James heard our exchange and instantly straightened, but he tripped in the process and stumbled into Sirius. Not prepared to be hit, Sirius lost his balance too, and both fell forward and collided with the mirror. I expected a crash when the glass broke, but instead I heard a hollow thud, and the mirror shifted slightly to the left, revealing a dark crack in the wall behind it.

All it took was a look between the four of us, four identical grins at this new discovery, for us to jump forward and examine the mirror. The crack was definitely more than a crack, like the mirror was hiding something, and we forced our fingers into the opening to get some leverage. It was heavy and difficult to slide, as if the mirror had been mounted on a track that hadn't been used in ages. Eventually, with our combined efforts, we got it all the way open, revealing a dark, narrow entrance to a corridor. After a quick glance over our shoulders to check the hall was empty, we peered inside, trying to see something.

"It's a tunnel," James tried. "It's gotta be."

"Might lead somewhere else in the school. Like a short cut," I added.

"Or somewhere not in the school," said Peter. "Maybe it's a secret way outside."

"Or off campus," Sirius went on. "My mum said Hogwarts has loads of passageways out of the school. Not many people know where they are, though. No one puts them on maps of the school, so you have to find them. Or know somebody who already found one."

We were all silent, staring into the dark void of the tunnel. James was the one who broke the silence, saying, "Well mates, I think we've found our fun for the foreseeable future. This can't be the only secret tunnel in this place. After we've explored it, we have to find the others."

"Agreed," Sirius replied, while Pete and I nodded.

"So, are we still going to get dinner or… explore the tunnel?" Peter asked. It was a valid question.

Not one of us, though, was still hungry. Unanimously we voted to go down the tunnel, at least to see how long it was and to find where it let out. Sirius lit his wand and went first, then James, then Peter, and I took up the rear, lighting my wand as well. The tunnel got wider as we walked, and I wondered why a tunnel like this would be created. What purpose did it serve in the initial plans for the castle? Eventually it expanded to be wider than a classroom, and I decided the tunnel had to be a refuge of sorts. I imagined it hundreds of years ago, packed with students, all of them hiding from some strange danger of the past.

We walked for nearly a half hour before the tunnel narrowed again and ended at a blank wall. Or, at least, it appeared blank until we inspected it closer. There was another sliding panel hidden in the rock surface of the wall and, just like with the entrance, it hadn't been used in quite some time. We struggled to slide it open and found that the tunnel let out inside what appeared to be a robe shop, behind another mirror in the storage room. There were swatches of fabric strewn everywhere and a broken sign was propped up on a shelf, reading "Gladrags Wizardwear" in chipped paint.

"This is in Hogsmeade," James breathed, also noticing the sign. "Blimey."

None of us had stepped into the room yet. I think everyone was worried about the same thing as I was. "Do you think the teachers know about this?" I voiced.

"If they do, they wouldn't mention it," Sirius replied. "If they went around telling the students about these passageways, they'd have a hell of a time keeping everyone out."

"We could sneak out on Hogsmeade weekends!" Peter said.

"Or any time we want," James added.

Sirius shook his head. "Not yet. We need to know if this tunnel is monitored or not," he explained. "Once we know that, then we can sneak past the teachers." He went on, coming up with an impromptu plan on how best to use the tunnel. We were going to stake it out tomorrow, and if it proved sufficiently unguarded, we would continue on to the obvious step of sneaking to Hogsmeade whenever we could. Then we debated whether or not to go into Hogsmeade right then, since we were already there and all, but decided not to push our luck anymore. Our discovery would be useless if we got caught, and we would have to save exploring the village for later, when we were more prepared.

We then made the long walk back to school and arrived near the end of dinner. Grateful we made it in time, we sat down to eat, but we didn't get to enjoy the meal for very long before McGonagall showed up, hovering behind us with an intimidating scowl in her eyes. At first, I thought she was there because she somehow knew we found the passageway behind the mirror, but then I realized she wasn't glaring at Peter or me, only James and Sirius.

She had discovered whatever they had pulled while Peter and I were doing homework, and she wasn't happy. "Do you boys care to explain yourselves?" she demanded. "Though what reason you could possibly have for being so foolish, I don't honestly know."

It seemed James and Sirius hadn't quite caught on to the real reason she was upset. Like me, they assumed she was talking about the mirror, not their other antics. "Well, I don't think it was really our fault, Professor," James argued. "You can't get mad at us for utilizing something that was already there."

Her eyes narrowed at them. "So the doxies were already in Coyle's office, were they?" she wondered skeptically. "Somehow I doubt that."

At those words, a look of realization dawned on their faces and they grinned happily at each other. I suppose that meant their prank had been a success, if they had caused enough of a mess to get in trouble. "Oh you meant the _doxies_!" Sirius said, laughing. "Yeah, that was us."

James looked at her with hopeful eyes. "I'm assuming he got a rather nasty bite or you wouldn't be talking to us?"

Tepidly, McGonagall nodded. "He was bitten, yes. Several times" Now she was nervous, wondering what else these two could have possibly done that she didn't know about. Unsure of what else to do, she gathered her nerve and said, "Detention tomorrow morning with Professor Coyle. You get to remove the doxies from his office, for however long it takes."

"Yes ma'am," they said together.

Still looking frazzled, McGonagall went back to the staff table. Her stiff stride made me think it took every ounce of control she possessed to ignore James' and Sirius' laughter as she walked away. I almost felt sorry for her.

"That was a close one, eh?" James said, still grinning.

"Yeah, I guess we won't be exploring Hogsmeade tomorrow," Sirius laughed.

I didn't think it was very funny, but I kept my mouth shut. Obviously, terrorizing our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is distressingly important to them, important enough to not sneak out of school and explore the wizarding village without supervision. I don't think I'll ever understand them.

* * *

><p>*A few words from Aquira: So, I haven't had internet for a while! I moved last month and I took my time calling the internet provider to hook something up at my new place. The money just wasn't in the budget right away, with the deposit and the animal fee. Now, though, I've got internet, and I should be able to post regularly again.<p> 


	32. Chapter 32

**Entry #62 (Monday May 14, 1973) – Three Days Before**

If I had to hazard a guess, I would say Sirius' selfless behavior when requesting we _not_ plan anything to celebrate his birthday had less to do with his maturity level than with his sixth detention in the past ten days falling on his birthday. Really, it's his own fault. Ever since his fight with Rachel, he's been on a crusade to make her life as miserable as possible, a task he has been succeeding in. Each time he's pulled something on her, though, she retaliated, and they both got caught by a teacher and wound up in detention. Normally, I wouldn't approve of anyone relentlessly tormenting the same person day after day, but I've made an exception when it comes to Rachel. If she's going to be determined to hate me, I won't be bothered to defend her when my friends want to cause her a little grief.

However, it's gotten out of hand. First it was only minor things, like pushing her chair out when she wasn't looking or flicking pebbles at her, and James was helping along. Now it's just Sirius, and he's blatantly hexing her in the hallway or, as was the case with his most recent endeavor on Saturday, turning her pet cat into a toad. The impressed look on Flitwick's face at the advanced use of magic did nothing to ease the punishment he gave, and Sirius earned himself three detentions in a row. The pummeling Rachel gave Sirius right after earned her a few detentions right along with him.

At this point, I'm not sure if the two of them are somehow competing to see who can be more horrible to the other person or if they are just being spiteful. If it is a contest of some sort, Sirius is definitely winning. McGonagall had to be called to turn the toad back into a cat, just in case Sirius' inexperience with the spell caused some sort of damage, and Rachel spent the rest of the day in her dorm crying. Her cat was fine, but I felt sorry for her, something I never thought would happen after she accused me of being a monster.

When I brought it up to Allie while Rachel and Sirius were in their detention this evening, she just gave me a sympathetic frown. I raised my eyebrows to her. "What?" I wondered.

"Why do you feel bad for her?" Allie countered. "Rachel is perfectly capable of hurting Sirius too, which she has been doing every time he's hurt her. I mean, it had to be humiliating when she stole his clothes while he was in the shower. I think Shawn helped her with that one, though. Did you hear about that? James was at Quidditch practice, so he couldn't bring spare clothes right away. Sirius was stuck naked in the bathroom for quite a while."

I hadn't heard that, actually, but it didn't surprise me. Sirius tends to brag when things go his way and keep his mouth shut when anything embarrassing or degrading happens to him. No way would he have willingly mentioned getting trapped in the showers without any clothing. The only person he would have told is James, and he only would have told James out of necessity, as he has instant communication with him through their mirrors. I assumed Allie knew about it because Rachel had been gloating about finally getting back at him properly.

"She's just retaliating. Anyone would fight back after being tortured by Sirius for so long," I reasoned.

Allie shook her head. "No, she was horrible to him first that time. I think it's why Sirius transfigured her cat."

Considering this for a moment, I paused. That information changed things. Before, I thought Sirius was trying to get back at Rachel for her interference with Snape and a few of their other pranks, but if Rachel had been instigating at least some of the altercations… I sighed, feeling confused. "Well, my only other theory is that they're just trying to be horrible to each other. Why else would they just keep fighting like this?"

"I already told you," Allie said. "They're trying to get each other's attention. They _like each other_. I think all these stupid pranks are coordinated so they get stuck in detention, alone, where they have nice, quiet discussions and get to know each other and don't have to be judged by all of us who think it's weird that they could end up together." Her tone had taken on a note of exaggerated assurance, and I couldn't tell if she was joking or not.

"You can't really think that. They hate each other."

"Well of course they hate each other," Allie insisted. "_Because_ they like each other!"

I didn't know what to say to that. How could that possibly be? Hating someone because you had feelings for them… For me at least, the notion was impossible. I knew that looking at Allie. Though, she was easy to love, easy to want to be nice to. If you fell for someone like Rachel, somehow grew to appreciate the derisiveness and strong will, would it still be as easy to accept those feelings? If everyone else you knew absolutely abhorred those qualities, would you let on at all that you liked that person? "You're not making much sense," I finally told her, not coming to any conclusions.

"I never said it made sense," she said. "They don't make any sense, so how are we supposed to understand it?"

Still confused, I opened my mouth to ask another question, but shut it again as Sirius walked in through the portrait hole. He strode towards us and Allie went a little red, grabbing her book so she could pretend to have been reading. I just rubbed my neck and gave him a smile, saying, "How was detention?"

"I need to talk to you," was his response. He looked very serious.

Was he angry or just brooding? "I won't help you murder Rachel, if that's what this is about," I said, hazarding a guess as to why he seemed so intense.

He didn't even crack a smile. "Come on. It's important."

There was an urgency in his tone that I couldn't ignore, and I excused myself from Allie to follow him. He took me upstairs to our dorm room, where the room was empty except for James and Peter, who appeared to be waiting for us. They both sat up and James crossed his arms. "All right, what's this about Sirius?" he wondered. "I'm missing Quidditch for this."

Sirius glanced to me. "It's about Remus," he said.

Instantly I panicked. Had he heard Allie and me talking after all? "Me? Why?"

"Yes, you," he said. "I've been thinking for a while now, and I'm sure we've all figured something like this out on our own, but I thought I'd be the first to mention it. We can't hang out with you when you're a werewolf."

The panic faded. A strange hollowness took its place as I realized that, finally, my friends had come to their senses. Keeping a werewolf around wasn't practical, and they had decided to ditch me before things got complicated. Somehow, this was less worrisome to me than Sirius finding out I had been gossiping about him. Maybe because ditching me could be forgiven, understood, expected.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, the only physical sign that Sirius' words had hurt me, and took a step back. "Oh," I said quietly. "That's all right then." I took another step back, and Sirius furrowed his brow as if confused. Had he been expecting me to stay and talk about it?

"Hold it. Wait," James said to me, and then he turned to Sirius. "How the hell can you say that to him? What are you even talking about?"

"Yeah, speak for yourself, Sirius," Peter added. I allowed myself to feel a bit of relief, realizing their silence had not been because of agreement, but shock, and that it had taken them a moment to properly form their words.

Sirius raised an eyebrow to their harsh tones. "You guys—?" Again he seemed confused, not sure why either of them was upset. Then Sirius' eyes widened to them, startled and worried. He spun to face me. "No! God. Remus, no. I meant literally, _when you're a wolf_. We can't be there with you. Not safely, anyway. You _all_ thought I meant it that way? You thought…?"

"Well it didn't exactly come out another way, Sirius," James said, still a bit angry.

Letting out a sigh, Sirius flopped down on James' bed. "This is stupid," he said. "I meant for this to be a nice chat, and I wasn't going to be selfish because it's my birthday, and I was going to tell you about this thing I've been researching, but instead I buggered it up by saying the wrong words."

I rubbed my neck again, the hollowness still present in my chest. "What words were you trying to say, Sirius?" I asked.

My voice must have held more accusation than I intended because Sirius hopped back up to his feet and grabbed my shoulders, looking me intently in the eye. "I didn't mean it like that. How could you think any of us would do that do you?" he said. I looked away from him. "If we wanted to ditch you, we would have done it ages ago, Remus, but none of us want to ditch you. We want to help you. We want to be there for you. We're your friends."

"Hate to break it to you, but there isn't really much you can do," I said. I still didn't look at him, or the other two.

"Yes there is. You just haven't thought of it yet," he insisted. He glanced back, imploring the other two to step forward. They complied, but both seemed just as uncertain as I felt. I doubt they knew more than I did at that point. "The research I mentioned before, remember? I found a way for us to help him. _Animals_."

"What?"

A grin spread across his face. He was excited about this thing he knew that I didn't, and he was even more excited about telling me this thing. "I got the idea from a book I read," he began to explain. "It said werewolves were only aggressive to people because humans are their prey. Animals, on the other hand…" As he spoke, he hopped over his bed to his nightstand to retrieve a notebook from one of his drawers.

When he was standing in front of us again, he flipped to a page and shoved it in my face. James and Peter ventured closer too and peered over my shoulder, trying to see this thing Sirius was so excited about. I stared at the page. It was full of Sirius' messy handwriting, all illegible scribbles and unidentifiable doodles, but one of the scribbles I could read. It seemed to be the central thought that spawned the rest of the information on the page, and probably many of the subsequent pages. I blinked, not sure why I was seeing this word.

"Animagus?" James wondered out loud. "What is this, mate?"

"The thing I was trying to talk about earlier, when I stuck my foot in my mouth," he said, still holding out the notebook. "Get it? Werewolves aren't aggressive towards animals, and this is a way to become animals."

Understanding, I quickly pushed away the notebook and its horrible connotations. This was worse. This was more horrible than all three of them wanting to ditch me. This was the stupid, reckless thing Sirius had gotten Allie's help with. They, or at least Sirius, wanted to put themselves in the middle of it while I was barely able to keep from killing myself, let alone the three of them. "No. You're not even suggesting that. No way."

Taken aback, Sirius stared at me, hurt. "No? You won't even consider it?"

"No, I won't," I asserted.

"I'm confused," Peter said. "What are we saying no to?"

Sirius glanced at his notebook, at all his scribbles of research. It must have taken him quite a while to look for all the information, even with Allie's help. He was proud of it, and clearly upset that I wasn't as overjoyed by his suggestion as he had been hoping. "I was only trying to help," he muttered, shutting the notebook.

Seeing his utter dejection, I felt awful about my refusal, but I couldn't let him even think about doing this. "I know you meant well, Sirius, but this idea is lunatic. Do you know how hard this magic is? And even if you could miraculously manage to pull it off, what do you expect would happen? The four of us would go gallivanting around each full moon and everything would be fine? No. I could—would—kill you, and that's the best scenario."

Hearing my reasoning, Sirius went from sad to frustrated in a matter of seconds. "You don't think I considered how dangerous this would be when I thought of it?" Sirius cried. "I know it'll be hard, but I want to try it anyway. If it might help you, I want to risk it. I can't just sit around here every full moon knowing how bloody miserable you must be if there is something—_anything_—I might be able to do."

I glared. "You don't—"

James tentatively raised his hand, cutting off my train of thought as I glanced at him. "I think Sirius is right, Remus," he said, his voice cautious. "I don't know much about this whole animagus business, but if he's found a way to be there for you, I for one want to try it."

"Not you too, James," I groaned. "One suicidal friend is enough for the evening, thanks."

He shrugged. "You can't expect us to let you go all…" James hesitated, searching for the right word as he gestured with his hands, "all _moony_ by yourself. What kind of friends would we be if we didn't give it a shot?"

Peter also raised his hand. "I agree with both of them," he declared.

With all three of them staring at me, I felt cornered. I opened my mouth to argue again, but no words came out. What they were suggesting _wasn't sane_. There were so many risks involved with just attempting the magic that would be required, and I didn't even want to think about how they would end up trapped in a confined space with a savage creature if they were successful at the end of it all. Yet… A small part of me felt very grateful that they were aware of all these risks and still wanted to become animagi anyway. "You can't," I finally said, though the fight was no longer in my voice.

"Maybe not, but we can try," Sirius said. "We _want_ to try. For you."

"It really is a good idea," Peter offered. "I didn't think there would be anything we could do, but now that there is, why not go for it?"

James nodded his agreement, paused, and then gave me a scrutinizing look as he pushed up his glasses. "So what say you, Mr. Moony?" he asked, sounding quite somber.

There was no arguing with them. They were bound and determined now that it had been suggested, and I realized they would try anyway, regardless of my answer. "You aren't going to let me say no, are you?" They all shook their heads, almost in unison. I sighed. "All right…"

Before I could say anything else, there was a whoop of triumph from Sirius, and he clapped the other two on the shoulders in his excitement. James and Peter grinned at him, and then at me, and I couldn't help feeling a little excited myself. My friends were offering to risk their own safety in this stupid attempt to help me, and I couldn't have been more grateful. I was still incredibly worried and apprehensive, but who was I to say they couldn't do it? And if they did manage to pull it off…

Was Sirius right? If they succeeded in gaining animal forms, would my friends be able to accompany me during the full moon without repercussions? Would they really be helping me, or would I even know they were there? The possibilities were daunting, and the thought of not having to spend the full moons alone was so thrilling that I instantly welcomed my failure at talking them out of their wild idea.

A hand pulling at my shoulder took me out of my thoughts. It was Sirius, still with a huge, accomplished smile on his face. "Come on," he said. "Let's nick some stuff from the kitchens and go celebrate."

The four of us started down the stairs to the common room, James and Peter a bit ahead of Sirius and me. "So we're going to celebrate future rule breaking with more rule breaking?" I wondered.

"Of course. It's us," he said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

I smirked. "Right. Of course. What was I thinking? Who wouldn't want to risk another detention after serving, what, six in a row with Rachel? Though you seem to have survived the most recent one."

"She almost didn't," he said gravely. He turned his eyes on me, sharp and contemplative. "She had a few nasty things to say about you that I didn't really appreciate. How does she know, by the way? I don't suppose you told her. Maybe Allie…?"

"Allie wouldn't tell anyone," I was quick to say. I didn't like that accusation. "Rachel's mother is in charge of the werewolf registry at the Ministry. That's how she knows. What did she say about me?"

Sirius shook his head. "I'm not going to repeat it," he told me, "but for some reason, she thought her comments would make a difference in my opinion of you. Had kind of the opposite effect, really. Made me realize just how much I wanted to try this whole animagus thing, how much I wanted to help you through this."

Unsuccessfully, I tried to hide a smile. His loyalty, especially his unfounded loyalty to me, never ceases to amaze me. "You know, she's been threatening to say something to you guys for months now," I explained. "She was upset Allie didn't ditch me when she found out about my condition and thought the three of you might. I'm surprised it took her this long to tell you."

At that, Sirius called Rachel a rather unflattering word, but wisely decided to let the subject drop. "Please, let's not talk about the harpy anymore," he said. "I've thought about her enough for one evening." He rolled his eyes and then went ahead of me, catching up to James with a rather boisterous laugh. "Mr. Moony, eh? I like that. Mind if I steal it?"

"Sure thing," James responded, shooting a smile back at me. Peter laughed, nearly tripped out the portrait hole because he was looking at James and Sirius instead of where he was going, and laughed some more.

They're idiots.

I love all three of them.

* * *

><p>When Tonks arrived at Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place for her second ever meeting as a member of the Order of the Phoenix, there had been a dog in the front yard. The dog was a giant thing, all limbs and thick black fur, and he had been attempting to dig his way under the fence. He glanced up as she approached, looking just a bit frightened as she reached out a hand to scratch his ears. Seeing she wasn't going to stop him, the dog resumed his digging, and Tonks continued on inside, laughing to herself.<p>

In the hallway, she ran into Remus first, almost literally, and he greeted her with a pleasant smile. "I see you've decided to join us again," he said. "Glad we didn't scare you off."

"Never," she said, noticing again just how blue his eyes were. For a moment, she lost track of her thoughts, and when she realized she had been staring, she cleared her throat and looked back towards the front door. "I didn't know we were allowed to bring pets to the meetings. Is he some sort of tracking dog?"

Remus raised one eyebrow, clearly confused. "You said a dog?" he questioned. "None of us have pets…" His voice trailed off, considering her words for just a second before letting out a loud curse and bolting to the door. "Damn it, Sirius!"

As she watched him run out the door, Tonks briefly entertained the thought that Remus had named his pet dog after his friend before realizing that, stupidly, instead of questioning the fact that there was a strange dog wandering the premises, she had walked right by the actual Sirius Black trying to escape the fence and had _scratched his ears_. She mentally kicked herself, cringing as she heard another swear from Remus out in the yard, and she fell against the wall. Sirius must have succeeded in digging his hole under the fence.

This was not a good start to her second meeting.

Approximately ten minutes later, Remus returned. Joining him was Sirius, who was being dragged in by his arm and had his head covered by Remus' jacket. Unfortunately, the jacket wasn't long enough to cover much else, and the man was very much naked. Tonks blushed and turned away, but not before she caught an unnecessary eyeful of her mother's cousin's dangling participle.

Remus continued to struggle with the naked man down the hall, and eventually Sirius managed to wrestle the jacket off his head. Seeing Tonks, he winked. "You know, Remus, you could have at least grabbed a pair of trousers before hauling me back in here. Don't want to offend anyone's modesty, now."

"You're lucky I threw my jacket over you to hide your face," Remus countered. "Naked is the least of your problems if anyone recognized you out there."

Having the decency to tie the jacket around his waist, Sirius grinned. "I can think of a few muggle girls in the neighborhood who might have known whose shaft they were looking at," he laughed.

Remus rolled his eyes at Tonks. "I am sorry about this. This only happens occasionally," he said, trying to make light of the situation before turning back to his friend. "Sirius, I really wish you were as embarrassed by yourself as I am. Then maybe turning you back into a naked man in the middle of a busy street when your face is plastered on every wanted poster would have gotten you back inside without so much of a fight. I can't believe you're still so incredibly irresponsible that—"

"Okay, okay," Sirius interrupted. He threw up his hands in defense. "I'm back inside now. No need to get your panties in a bunch. So, if you don't mind, _mother_, I'll go put on some clothes and see you downstairs at the meeting." With another wink to Tonks, Sirius cinched the jacket a little tighter, gave a curtsy, and flounced up the stairs to his room.

After he had gone, Tonks turned to Remus, whose face was buried in his hands. "He seems like a bit of a handful," she tried.

Remus shook his head and pulled his hands down. He allowed a small smile to grace his face, crinkling the scars on his nose and making Tonks wonder just where he got them all. "The dog thing doesn't help much," he said, still somehow managing to sound light. "It used to be rather helpful, but now it complicates things more often than not."

"He's an animagus," she guessed, rather unhelpfully.

"Yes," he replied. "Useful when we're hiding him, dreadful when he's hiding from us."

"Unregistered, then," she supposed. Remus nodded. "Are there many Order members with talents like that?"

A strange expression crossed the man's face for a fraction of a second. Was it confusion? Sadness? Anger? Tonks couldn't tell, as his practiced smile was in place again before she could make up her mind. "Less than there used to be," Remus said carefully. "Such is the nature of our business, I suppose. Now it's just Sirius."

She paused, debating whether Remus would care about her abilities or not, and decided she might be of more use if they knew what she could do. "Actually, Sirius isn't not the only one," Tonks said. "I think you've got two members who can transform themselves."

Remus made another face, and this time Tonks was sure the expression was fear. He quickly calmed is features, however, and raised an eyebrow. "Who might this other animagus be?" he wondered as he worried at a scar on his wrist. It was the only sign he was still uncomfortable with the conversation.

"Not an animagus… _I'm_ a metamorphmagus," she quickly clarified, trying not to grin too widely as she twitched her nose into a pig snout.

"Now that's a neat trick," he said, letting out a surprised laugh. His face had softened and he seemed much more at ease after her admission. "Don't tell Sirius you can do that. He won't feel as special. Come on, we should go down to the meeting. "

Tonks nodded and followed him as he headed down the stairs. Suddenly he paused before they reached the door and glanced at her. He seemed to be holding back a grin as he tapped his nose with his finger, and Tonks realized she still had the pig snout. She blushed, readjusted her features, and went inside to the crowded meeting room.

Even at that moment, she knew she liked Remus. He was smart and funny and engaging, but the most appealing thing about him was how much he seemed to care. It didn't matter that he'd only just met Tonks. He treated her with the same level of respect and interest that he gave all of the other Order members, and she appreciated that. He was still quite the mystery to her, and she wasn't sure how a calm, thoughtful person like him could be such good friends with someone as reckless as Sirius, but that added to his charm. Those things made her want to learn more about him, talk to him, and stare into his kind, blue eyes until she understood him.

After everything, Tonks now had to wonder if she succeeded in that endeavor. Did she know Remus the way she always wanted to or had he never truly let his guard down with her? Reading the journal, she saw how well he could connect with other people, how close he allowed himself to be with Sirius and Allison and his other friends. Tonks couldn't honestly say if he had ever connected with her, too.

* * *

><p>A few words from Aquira: This chapter took a while because, well, I couldn't seem to get the words right. I think I rewrote it at least six times before the emotions felt like they were being expressed properly. Usually it's not that hard. Oh well. Hope you enjoyed it! Let me know what you think :)<p> 


	33. Chapter 33

**Entry #63 (Saturday May 19, 1973) – Two Days After**

I often wonder what Allie's days are like while I'm recovering in the Hospital Wing. No matter the time, unless it's in the middle of one of her classes, whenever I wake up she's right by my side, reading a book or doing homework as she waits with me. She has no way of knowing when I'll be conscious again, so I can only assume she's there first thing at breakfast, waiting, in between classes, waiting, at lunch, waiting, after school, waiting. I don't know if she even takes time to eat. Once, she told me that nothing but death or dying would prevent her from seeing me after a full moon, and then she supposed that if she really were dead or dying, she would be in the Hospital Wing anyway, so technically she would still be there for me.

When I woke up yesterday, the first thing I noticed was that Allie's fingers were laced through mine, though I didn't feel any pressure from her hand, and I glanced up. She had fallen asleep in her chair, again astounding me at the position she had contorted herself into. One leg dangled over the armrest while the other had been tucked under her, her knee sticking out at a funny angle. Her hair was a mess and her head had been propped back on a pillow, though it lolled slightly over her left shoulder. Not knowing what else to do, I gave her hand a slight squeeze, hoping the contact might wake her up.

Her eyes fluttered open. Then her bleary face contorted in discomfort as she attempted to stretch out her cramped legs, and she gave me a pained smile. "You're up," she said, her voice croaky from sleep. "Finally. I was starting to think the nurse lied to me."

"How long have I been out?" I wondered. Only then did I realize it was a bit odd she had been in the Hospital Wing with me long enough to have fallen asleep in her chair.

"All day," Allie explained. She glanced at the clock on the wall. "It's almost ten o'clock in the evening, now… I thought you'd never wake up."

Now that I was actually looking at her, she seemed slightly pale. Her fingers were cold, and her eyes were red around the edges, like she'd been crying. I swallowed, not sure if she was just tired or if there was another reason she looked so haggard. "Why was I out for so long?"

Her hand clenched mine a little tighter as she focused on me. "I don't know. To be honest, I don't really want to, either," she said, shuddering. "When I came round at breakfast you… were screaming and… and there was a lot of blood. The nurse wouldn't let me in, and she told me I couldn't come back until classes were over because you weren't going to be responsive until at least then… I think she gave you a potion to make you sleep through the pain."

I paused to take mental stock of my body. Everything seemed to be in order, and I didn't _remember_ being in that much pain… Of course, I had been oblivious to how seriously I'd hurt myself in the past, so not feeling different didn't mean anything. The damage could have been completely healed, and I would be none the wiser until Madam Pomfrey came out to tell me what I did to myself. Glancing towards the office to see the lights all off, I guessed the nurse had assumed I would sleep through the night and had gone to bed herself. My questions could wait until morning.

When I looked back at Allie, she was still staring at me. A slight blush spread across my cheeks. "You didn't have to wait so long, you know," I told her.

"I wasn't sure if you were going to wake up," she said quietly. Her eyes widened a little. "I had to stay here until you did."

"Allie…"

Suddenly, her tone changed, and it was her turn to go a bit red. "Which is more than I can say for your other so called friends," she said offhandedly, changing the subject. She feigned a small laugh as she finally looked away from me and down at our hands. Was she embarrassed she had stayed so long? "Sirius and the others haven't even shown up today. I tried to get them to come at lunch, but they wouldn't. I even told them what happened when I came to see you at breakfast, but they didn't seem to care. They all just looked sort of annoyed and told me they'd see me later and went off somewhere."

For a brief moment, I was incredibly confused. My friends had always wanted to visit me after the full moon before, and they had always stayed just long enough to tell me I looked like crap and that they loved me anyway. Being annoyed by the mere suggestion of stopping by the Hospital Wing didn't seem like them and, after thinking, I realized what it meant. They weren't annoyed by having to come visit me. They were annoyed the same way they were annoyed when they told me they were going to attempt animagus forms. Visiting me wasn't enough. Visiting me wasn't all they wanted to do for me.

I sighed. "They probably spent all day in the library."

"The library?" Allie wondered. I couldn't help noticing she still hadn't released my hand.

"Researching," I explained. Then I remembered that she knew all about it, had known before even James and Peter, and I frowned at her. "But of course you already knew that, didn't you?"

"Knew what?" she asked. She sounded slightly offended by the accusation in my tone.

I paused, and then sighed again. "They've been trying to figure out how to become animagi," I said, "and I'm fairly certain you helped Sirius with his initial research?"

"Oh," she said. "That."

"Yes, that," I replied, more resignedly than unkind. "Why on earth would you tell him that was a good idea?"

"Because it_ is_ a good idea," she said simply.

"It's also a dangerous idea."

Allie rolled her eyes at me. "I know that, Remus," she said. "When Sirius asked me for help, I tried to talk him out of it. He wouldn't listen because he's Sirius, but then he told me why he wanted to do it. I thought he had some very good reasons so, yes, I helped him. He's finally told you, has he?"

I nodded. "And the other two…"

"You don't like this idea," she realized, squeezing my hand a little tighter. "But you let them do dangerous things all the time, so why not this time when they're doing it to help you?"

"Well," I started, hesitating for just a moment to decide how much I wanted to tell her. "There's a reason only six registered animagi exist in the world. Yes, there are unregistered ones, but how many of those can there be? Five? The magic is incredibly difficult and one of them could get stuck as an animal for the rest of his life."

She stared at me. "And?"

"And nothing," I said. "They're going to get caught or stuck—"

"Remus, I know you better than that," Allie interrupted. "Sirius and James are very capable wizards, and you know that. If there's a way, those two will find it. What's really bothering you?"

I glanced down at our hands. How could I say what was really on my mind? My friends had turned out so much more understanding than I ever could have hoped, and telling even Allie how understanding I _wasn't_ about my condition had never been something I wanted to do. I hated my lycanthropy, and how it made me a monster, and how anyone with any sense would stay far away from me if they valued their safety. Mentioning my insecurities always seemed like giving my friends more of a reason to abandon me, almost like I was showing them how wrong it was to allow a werewolf to hang around. If I wanted to explain myself clearly, though, I wouldn't be able to censure all the doubts that had crept into my mind over the past few days. I would have to tell her my most recent worry, what I had realized as I made my way to the shack with the nurse the night before. I had seen the tunnel with fresh eyes, as someone daring enough to venture inside when a werewolf lurked at the other end.

After a long minute I spoke, rather nervously, and it was difficult to look at her. "Letting them sneak out after curfew or trip Snape in the hall isn't the same," I tried. "This time, _I'm_ the dangerous thing. It's not just a detention, or Filch, or a broken bone because they weren't careful enough. At the end of their planning… it'll be _me_. No teachers or adults to bail them out either. Maybe it's selfish of me to say when they're being remarkably _un_selfish by doing this, but I really don't want to think about what will happen to _me_ if they go through with this plan. I could kill one of them or they could… They could end up like me, and that's almost worse than dying."

Allie stayed quiet for a very long time when I finished speaking. She stared at me with sad eyes, her fingers still laced through mine and pity on her face. "I'm not going to say there won't be a risk," she eventually said, and she sounded strong, certain. "There will always be a risk. Even what you're doing now with the shack isn't completely safe. You could escape by breaking one of the boards in a window, or a villager could decide he wants to see the haunted house for himself and wander in. James and Sirius and Peter… They'll at least know what they're walking into. They can prepare for the risks, and I think they already have some really good information. Werewolves _are_ remarkably less dangerous to animals than to humans. Some people think the virus doesn't even transfer to animals."

I shook my head. "I can't risk their safety just because they _might_ not get hurt. It's far more likely they will, and it'll be my fault if they do."

"You're focusing on the wrong part," she insisted. "What if it _helps_ you? What if you don't get hurt because they're there to distract you? That's all they want. Wouldn't it be worth it, then? You wouldn't spend entire days unconscious in the Hospital Wing. If they get a few bumps and bruises, and you get a few less, then I think they'll be doing the right thing."

The right thing would be not letting my friends try this ridiculous idea at all, but a small part of me couldn't help agreeing with her. It was the same part of me that had almost been excited by the plan my friends had concocted, until I realized how foolish they were being. Still, that small part wanted her words to be true, wanted to be okay with this. Maybe their presence _would_ help me in some way. If I missed less class, or found less scars each month, or even had a clearer sense of self after the moon, it would be infinitely helpful. I wouldn't have to lie as often to hide what I am. People would stop giving me strange looks when I finally made it back to class. Allie wouldn't have to sit in the chair she was in right then, for hours and hours, waiting for me to wake up.

"Maybe," I mumbled, trying not to sound pleased. "But I'm still not happy about it."

She grinned at me, not convinced. "Not even a little bit?" she teased.

"No," I insisted, but I was grinning too. "And you—encouraging them! You're supposed to be on my side."

"I am on your side. You're the one who's not."

I raised an eyebrow. "How can I not be on my own side?"

"You're too busy on the Remus must be miserable by himself side," Allie explained. "It's a very lonely side, and I think you should leave it and get back over to the actual Remus side, where you have friends who love you and would do anything for you."

I wanted to think of another argument, but none came to mind. Instead, I gave her a small, tired smile, and she squeezed my hand, understanding what I couldn't say. I appreciated what my friends were trying to do for me. I just didn't appreciate the way this gesture would have to play out.

"Hey," she said after a moment, when I still hadn't spoken. "You just made it through a particularly rough full moon. Right now isn't the best time to be thinking about letting the guys join you out there. I'd imagine you're a bit biased." With a final squeeze, Allie released my hand and motioned to get up. "Maybe you just need some sleep. I'll see you in the morning, yeah?"

"Don't go," I said suddenly, startling myself with the outburst. I wanted her to stay, like I always wanted her to stay, but usually I suppressed that thought and kept it to myself. This time, though, my brain had actually formed the words, actually made the request, and I couldn't take it back. I reddened, but blundered on anyway, not quite wanting to stop myself. "I don't want you to leave."

A smile threatened at her lips. "You want me to sleep here in that uncomfortable chair again?" Allie wondered. "Why? So you won't be alone for the night?"

Emboldened, I shook my head. "I just don't want you to leave yet," I tried. "I never want you to leave. Only, I've never managed to ask you to stay before."

Seeming nonplussed, she fell back into her chair. "Whatever the nurse gave you earlier must still be working," she said, somewhat breathlessly, and maybe I was imagining her face turning a little pink across the nose. "You're being silly…"

I didn't know how to respond, so I looked away. No, I wasn't being silly. I was being brash and stupid and saying things I really shouldn't be saying. She had to leave now, if not because she wanted to, then because of the sheer embarrassment I had created for myself.

"I'll stay," she said. I glanced back at her, surprised by the lightheartedness in her voice, and she was smiling brightly at me. Then she leaned forward and propped her elbows on my bed. "I didn't really fancy avoiding Mrs. Norris all the way up to the tower anyway."

From her tone, I couldn't quite tell if she meant it, or was just offering an excuse so I wouldn't feel as awkward about my request. Either way, I was grateful. "Thank you," I said. I wanted to say so much more, but I couldn't. What little nerve I possessed in asking her to stay longer had vanished when she told me I was being silly.

Allie kissed my cheek. "Of course," she said. "Anything."

"You're amazing," I told her. Another outburst I couldn't quite regret.

Her smile grew a little wider, and she sat back, considering me. I suppose the audacious comments I was making had her concerned, and she was trying to determine how worried she should be. "Get some sleep," she instructed. "I'll be here when you wake up."

I nodded and closed my eyes. Comforted by her presence, I fell asleep easily, and when I finally woke up again, she was still sitting in her chair, awake and writing an essay. There for me, as always.

**Entry #64 (Sunday May 27, 1973) – Ten Days After**

We were in the library today, researching. My friends finally commissioned my help in finding the proper books, and so far all we had come across was information about famous animagi throughout history, and how animagi go about registering themselves.

"This rubbish is useless," Sirius complained. It was the first thing any of us had said in hours, and he shut his book forcefully, pushing it away. "It's not like we'd register, anyway. What would we say on the form? 'Reason for becoming an animagus: To help our pal through his monthlies.' I don't think so."

Peter laughed a bit, and I couldn't help grinning. "Why don't we check the restricted section?" I suggested. "We'll probably find more relevant information there."

"Which teacher in their right mind would give James or me a permission slip for the restricted section?" Sirius questioned. "We can't even get Pete to do it for us. They'd know we sent him."

Suddenly, all three sets of eyes were staring at me, and it was obvious what had occurred to them all. The restricted section really was their best shot at decent information, and only one of us wouldn't be suspicious when he asked for a note from McGonagall. My shoulders slumped. "What should I tell her?" I said.

"Whatever you have to, mate," James replied.

With a sigh, I left them in the library and went to McGonagall's office. My excuse was simple: I was doing extra research to get ahead in a few subjects before exams start next month. After I told her this, McGonagall gave me the look teachers usually give when I tell them I feel like I'm falling behind, the one where the mouth goes thin and the eyes turn just a bit sad as they realize there isn't anything they can do. As she signed the note, she told me, "Whatever you need, Mr. Lupin. Remember, my office is always open if ever you need any help."

"Thank you, Professor," I said politely, not quite able to shake the feeling I had somehow guilted the signature out of her.

The whole trip took less than twenty minutes but, unfortunately, that is quite a bit longer than the average attention span of my friends. By the time I returned to the library, all three of them had abandoned the books on our table and were bent over Sirius' notebook, James sketching out something on one of the pages. I presented the note to them, but they waved me off, James saying, "We'll get back to that in a minute."

I rolled my eyes. Then, taking a closer look at what they were drawing, I recognized the layout of our Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. "I thought you gave up trying to pull pranks on Coyle," I grumbled. "They never work anyway. He always catches you."

"It'll work one of these times," Sirius protested. "He can't be prepared for everything."

Not wanting to argue with them and not wanting to participate in their planning, I went to the restricted section by myself. With a bit of searching I found several promising titles, though I didn't really want to read through the books without the others. It was their daft plan, after all, and they had to be the ones to do the hard work. So, I checked out the books, receiving quite the scrutinizing look from Madam Pince as she examined my note. I think the only reason she allowed the strange selection of material was because McGonagall, an animagus herself, had been the one to give me permission. Otherwise, I'm sure the librarian would have been even more suspicious of why I wanted to learn about animagi.

Then I wandered back over to where James, Sirius, and Peter still had their heads bent over the notebook. I dropped the books on the table, rather loudly, and they all looked up at me. "These should help," I told them. "And, unless you're going to put that notebook away, I'm going to leave these books here with you—god forbid you do anything to them, they're in my name—and go do something useful with my time."

For a moment, Sirius at least was decent enough to look torn. He glanced at the stack of books I had deposited, then back to his notebook, then up at me. "Moony," he began. They have all taken to calling me that lately, and I've noticed they use the nickname far more often when they want something, or when they feel bad about themselves. "We've been researching for hours. I think a change of pace is in order. We'll go over the new books tomorrow."

The other two had somewhat guilty faces when I looked at them, but I knew their decision would be the same as Sirius'. I shrugged. "I didn't even want to do this in the first place," I gently reminded them. "If you don't want to read the books right now, then don't. It's your plan, your time. _I'm_ going to do homework."

I could feel them watching me as I turned to walk away, and for some reason I was angry with them. After all their excitement about this plan, when we finally got around to finding solid information, they would rather plot to annoy a teacher. Unreasonably, I felt betrayed, excluded, and unimportant. I tried to remind myself that I hadn't wanted this, that I would rather they drop the notion entirely, but it wasn't quite true. Getting my way now, after they had so adamantly refused to listen to me, meant helping me didn't matter quite as much as it had a few days ago.

"Moony," said a voice behind me, and then a hand was on my shoulder, stopping me. I didn't want to turn around, but I did anyway, and I saw Sirius, his expression the very image of remorse. "You know you're lucky you got us to study as long as we did. If it were homework, we would have zoned out ages ago."

He wasn't wrong, but that didn't make me feel any better. I frowned at him. "How you lot manage the grades you get with the concentration you have, I will never know," I said. It wasn't what I wanted to say, but I didn't like being mad at them, especially not for something that had never bothered me before.

Sirius gave me a hopeful smile. "We really will get to those books tomorrow," he said.

"I know," I replied, sighing. "I'm still leaving, though. I don't want to help with your prank. I actually _like_ Professor Coyle."

"Wasn't trying to make you stay," he said. "I just didn't want you to walk away mad."

I still was mad, a bit, but I didn't tell him that. Instead, I rubbed the back of my neck, told him to not do anything too stupid, and left him and the others in the library.

It wasn't until later, after I had finished my remaining homework, had gone down to dinner with Allie, and was returning from a walk around the lake with her, that I saw them again. James was headed out the portrait hole with Piper, and Peter was trying to repair the spine of his potions book with spellotape. They both gave me small, apologetic waves, but carried on with their own business. Sirius, though, was over by the fire, drifting in and out of consciousness as he tried to focus on the book he was reading. Soon he had slumped all the way asleep and the book fell limply out of his grip.

As it hit the ground, I recognized the book cover and couldn't help but smile. He had been reading one of the books I checked out from the library earlier, one of the books I had gotten so upset about. Whether or not he was reading it because he felt guilty didn't matter. What mattered was that he had cared enough, either about my hurt feelings or just about me in general, to read it at all.

Allie noticed the smile on my face. "What's so amusing?" she wondered, glancing to where I was staring.

"Nothing," I told her. "I'm just happy."

And for the first time since the word 'animagus' had come into my life, that statement was true.

* * *

><p><em><strong>***<strong>Aquira's Notes_: You know, neither of these journal entries really turned out the way I intended to write them. I sat down with a general idea of what was supposed to happen, and they took on a life of their own while I was writing. I rather like the way they ended up :)

Also, I'm rather busy at work (overtime...), but I'm trying to get chapters done whenever I have free time!


	34. Chapter 34

***A message from Aquira: I haven't died, dear readers! I've just been incredibly busy at work (Do you know how long it takes to make 3000 chocolate truffles and 180 bags of toffee? A long time). Then I was sick for the past few weeks, and I even ended up in the hospital for a few days. Nothing serious, just dehydration, and I'm all better now. I've probably lost a few followers in my absence, but I guess that's the price I pay for not updating. This chapter is a bit short, but I wanted to get this out asap, so you guys could read it! I appreciate each and every one of you who follow this story, and I'll try not to let you down.

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><p><strong>Entry #65 (Sunday June 3, 1973) – Twelve Days Before<strong>

I've been trying to convince everyone that we should start studying for the past several days. Exams are next week and I didn't want to wait until the last minute to go over notes. My friends, however, did not feel the same. When I suggested it, the nicest response I got was, "Why don't you come back later?" Admittedly, I had been interrupting some 'very important' prank planning, but they didn't have to send me away like that. So, as usual, I found Allie and she was more than happy to quiz me on material.

Today, though, I finally succeeded in getting James, Sirius, and Peter to join us.

My triumph did not last very long. A couple hours into studying, James shut his charms book, looked around at everyone and announced, "Nope," before putting the book in his bag and staring off into space. When Sirius asked why he had done this, James let out an overly dramatized sigh. "I cannot study like this. I'm going to bash my head against the desk!"

"It hasn't even been two hours, James," Allie pointed out.

"Two hours?" he cried. "It feels like it's been at least two days! We need to do something—anything else!"

"Like what?" Peter wondered. He had stopped working when James had.

James considered this. I doubted he actually had an alternative, but then his face lit up with an idea and he declared, "We could go swimming!"

"Now there's a thought," Sirius said. I had expected him to turn traitor eventually, but I thought he would hold out a bit longer, even with James' goading. Sirius shut his book and pushed it to the center of the table. "We could invite the girls. I'd certainly rather see Allie in her swimwear than read another page of this book." He grinned.

"Oh thanks," Allie said sardonically. A furious blush spread across her cheeks. "It's nice to know the only reason I'd be invited is so you could get some enjoyment out of it. Why me? You could look at your girlfriend in _her_ swimwear."

"I don't have a girlfriend," was Sirius' quick reply. "By 'girls' I meant you and Piper."

There was a moment of silence. Then James said, rather loudly, "You broke up with Carolina? When?"

"A while ago," Sirius replied, sounding thoughtful. "I never mentioned it?" When he received a strange quite in response, he shrugged. "I've been so busy with the animagus stuff I suppose I forgot to mention it. She took it rather well. Said I wasn't spending time with her as it was, so it wouldn't change much."

"Good for Carolina," I said. When everyone looked at me, slightly surprised by my bold comment, I stared down at my book, mumbling the rest of my words. "You really didn't spend any time with her. I forgot you were dating, actually. It was probably for the best that you broke up with her."

I thought I would be scorned for being so critical, but Sirius raised his eyebrows to me with a smile. "I'm glad you agree with my decision," he laughed. "Always striving for your approval, Moony."

I didn't know what to say to that, so I rolled my eyes. "Are we going swimming, or what?" I said, giving in to their whims for the sake of changing the subject.

"Yes!" James exclaimed. He jumped up excitedly and closed every book on the table, giving us no choice except to retrieve our swimwear and James' girlfriend, both of which were up in Gryffindor tower. When James told her about our swimming plans, Piper said she had some homework to finish but she would join us when she was through, and we headed back down to the grounds.

On the stairs, we ran into Rachel. She was walking with Shawn Anderson, who has managed to stay off my radar for the most part even though he's in our year. He's a rather quiet boy, and the only things I know about him are that he's pureblood, a Slytherin, and good friends with Rachel. Perhaps the latter is why I haven't paid him much attention.

Rachel greeted Allie warmly, ignored James, Peter, and me, and gave a strange look to Sirius, a look that was trying to be sour but seemed to lack a commitment to hating him, like she didn't have the energy for such a strong emotion. Then, before anyone even knew what was happening, Allie invited Rachel and Shawn to go swimming with us. Thankfully they both declined, and the girls chatted for a few more moments before we were off again.

I opened my mouth to say something to Allie about Rachel's lack of hostility in that encounter, but Sirius spoke up first. "Rachel is always with that guy," he said, giving Allie a suspicious look. "Who is he?"

Before answering, Allie arched her eyebrows to me, her thoughts clearly along the same line as mine. "His name is Shawn," Allie said to Sirius. "His mum was Rachel's homeschool teacher before Hogwarts. They've known each other for a while."

"So they're, like, really good friends?" Sirius wondered.

I could see Allie holding back laughter as she replied. "You could say that," she said. "Though I'd say they're a little more than that now, since I caught them kissing under a staircase the other day."

"What?" Sirius seemed genuinely confounded by this revelation, a bit distressed even, and he halted in the hallway for a moment before catching himself. His tone was much harsher when he spoke again. "That harpy's got a boyfriend?"

"I just said they were kissing," Allie clarified. "Kissing doesn't mean dating, Sirius."

After hearing that remark, Sirius glanced my way, a hint of red to his cheeks. He quickly looked away when I met his eyes, and I was confused. What did he have to be embarrassed about? I shrugged it off as him wondering if the rest of us could guess the real reason he was asking these questions, and I smiled at him, hoping to be reassuring. If anyone else knew about not having the guts to own up to your feelings, it was me.

"Okay, as much as I care about Rachel and her love life," James said, sounding annoyed. He pushed his glasses up higher on his nose with a little more force than necessary. "We were going swimming, if I remember correctly."

"Right you are, Jamesy," Sirius agreed. He seemed eager for the change of pace, and hurried to walk next to James and Peter for the rest of the way.

When I was sure the others weren't listening, I turned to Allie. "What was that about?"

"Nothing." The word came out a little too quickly. Then she glanced up at me, as if only then realizing what I was talking about, and said, "Oh, yeah, Sirius was way too interested in Shawn, wasn't he? Do you think he might be jealous?"

"Seems like it," I said, again letting the strangeness slide.

We walked in silence for a moment, and then Allie said, "Rachel _is_ dating him, though. Shawn. I didn't have the heart to tell Sirius."

"I'll break it to him," I told her, which made her give me a grateful smile. She took my hand and we kept walking, talking about what classes we still needed to study for until we finally reached the main doors.

The actual part where we went swimming was about as eventful as one would expect. James and Sirius shoved each other into the water the moment we got to the lake and then made a spectacle of trying to drown each other. Peter laughed at them, and Allie just shook her head while she helped me set up a place for our things. When it came time to get in the water, I decided to keep my shirt on, because no one needs to see exactly how many scars cover my body, and I was heartily mocked for it. James claimed he'd run around naked if it wasn't against the rules, and Sirius agreed with him, though neither of them made fun of Peter for wanting to keep his shirt on. I suppose that has more to do with the fact that once they started laughing at me and implored that Peter, at least, was man enough to go in just his trunks, Peter threw off his shirt and jumped in the water like he didn't have a care in the world.

"See, Pete can take his shirt off, Moony," James called. "I don't see what the deal is."

"Oh lay off him, you two," Allie admonished. She gave me a look that said she thought they were being ridiculous, and turned back to them. "I'd follow his lead, if I were you. No one wants to see your wiggly bits flying everywhere."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "There are plenty of girls—" he began, but his voice trailed off as Allie removed her shirt, revealing the flattering swimwear underneath. Sirius mentally switched gears faster than I thought possible and nudged James in the ribs. "Maybe she's right. If we lay off Moony, we can lay on her instead."

James giggled a bit, but balked under Allie's glare, which was aimed at the back of Sirius' head. Having learned, out of necessity, how to compose myself when I found her stunning, which was often, I was able to tear my eyes away from her after staring for just a few seconds. "Honestly, could the two of you be any more immature?" I wondered, hoping that scolding my friends would distract my thoughts.

"Probably," they said in unison, and both of them lunged forward to grab my ankles and pull me into the water. As I fell, I wondered whether they had planned that ahead of time, or if they are just so attuned to each other's ideas at this point that they don't even need to speak to agree on some prank. The thought was a little disconcerting.

When Piper joined us, James mellowed out and Sirius was left without someone to encourage more antics, so we were all able to enjoy the afternoon. After swimming for a bit, Allie and I got out of the water and sat under the tree with our things, and Allie read aloud to me from the Potions manual. The others started a game of Marco Polo where Peter was it, and nobody was calling back to him when he shouted "Marco." A few other students joined in the game, as well, and I didn't feel so bad for not staying in the water.

All in all, I spent a nice afternoon with Allie and my friends, I got some studying done, and James and Sirius will probably get better scores on their exams than me even though they spent all day in the water shriveling up like prunes. Wish me luck next week.

**Entry #66 (Saturday June 9, 1973) – Six Days Before**

Exams are over now, and I don't think I fared too horribly. Well, maybe my Potions grade isn't what it should have been to raise my final marks, but I don't think I'll ever do well in that class. During the exam, my potion didn't boil for the correct amount of time, and it turned a funny purple color at the end when it was supposed to turn blue. Purple isn't too far off from blue in the color spectrum, right? Oh well. I think I did fine on the written portion of the exam, at any rate. I am rather good at remembering the information. It's putting that information to practical use that seems to be the hard part.

My scores in Astronomy and History of Magic won't be as bad as Potions, but I'm not sure I did well in those classes either. All the stars start to look the same after a while, and I only managed to identify the Dog Star because it's called Sirius. When we learned about it in class the boy Sirius declared, "I must really be important if they named a star after me," and demanded everybody look at him through their telescopes, because he was obviously the more attractive Sirius. Afterwards, he made James, Peter, and I memorize his position in the sky, so we would never forget that we were 'among a star.' That's the only question I'm sure I got right on that exam.

As for History of Magic, I wrote about three inches more than the rest of the class, but I never got around to writing about the differences between the two Assemblies of Wizards. I'm not sure if the rest of the class just left a lot out, or if I understood the question wrong. Both are possible.

Otherwise I think I passed everything else. I'm rather confident about my Charms score, and I managed to answer the bonus questions on the Transfiguration exam. In Herbology my plant identification skills have definitely improved. Also I don't think I missed a single question in Defense Against the Dark Arts, but I'll probably continue to worry I failed everything until I get results.

I have developed a new worry, however. This exam week was only a week away from the full moon. What happens when the full moon actually falls on exam week? I couldn't possibly be excused from exams the morning after the moon, and if I'm feeling ill the day of the moon, am I supposed to suffer through the exam anyway?

Actually, after doing a bit of math, it looks like there will be a full moon during next year's exams. I'll have to talk to Dumbledore or McGonagall about it before it becomes an issue.


	35. Chapter 35

Tonks knew what to expect when she heard the knock at the front door. Earlier that day, there had been a gathering for the Order, and she had behaved rather poorly before storming out of the meeting. The fact that they were knocking here, at her parents' house, meant they must have finally figured out what was going on. She hadn't been very subtle about it while she had been shouting at everyone.

It was only a matter of time, she supposed. Remus' departure couldn't be kept secret from the rest of the Order forever. Still, she did not motion for the door. Tonks remained in her curled position on the couch and only too late did she consider hollering for her mother not to answer it either. Andromeda was already by the entryway, opening the door wide for her guests.

"Molly, Kingsley, what a… surprise," Andromeda said, sounding incredibly confused. "Dora, I think you have company."

Tonks figured she could handle Molly. The woman probably just wanted to give her a hug and some warm tea. But Kingsley… It had been Kingsley she yelled at. As the interim leader of the Order, he had been asking her why Remus hadn't given a report in the past few days and if she knew anything. Tonks had tried to deflect the questions, but he was persistent, and eventually he started suspecting that Tonks hadn't seen him either. Then he decided that Remus must have gone missing, and that a search should probably be arranged, and Tonks had given up on her composure.

"Remus isn't missing," she exclaimed. "He bloody ran away."

Everyone in the room went quiet. Except Kingsley. He narrowed his eyes at her and said, quite calmly, "Ran away where?"

"I don't know, do I?" she shouted. "They tend to not tell you where they're going when they leave you!"

"Oh, Dora," Tonks heard Molly say. She felt every single eye on her, every single judgment directed at her as they realized the truth. Startled she had divulged so much without meaning to, Tonks clasped a hand to her mouth and quickly strode out of the room. Away from everyone, she apparated to her mother's house and collapsed on the couch, where she pulled her knees up to her chest and didn't move. She had been trying not to cry ever since, and felt her strength wavering as Molly and Kingsley stepped inside. She assumed her mother had gone back upstairs. Andromeda never liked to get involved with Order business.

"Tonks, I believe we need to talk," Kingsley said, his voice loud and direct.

"Now Kingsley, what did I say?" Molly asked warningly. Tonks could see them both hovering over her in her peripherals, but still she didn't move.

"I need to know what Tonks knows, Molly," the man said. "If Remus is not reporting to us, and even his wife has not seen him, we must suspect that he has been captured by Death Eaters for information—"

That was all it took for Tonks' resolve to completely break. She let out a wail of despair and curled further into herself. "No, he's only being a coward," she insisted through her tears. "But he wouldn't let himself get captured." Tonks wasn't entirely positive in her words, though. Remus being taken by Death Eaters wasn't a possibility she had considered before, but what if something horrible had happened to prevent his return? What if the real reason he hadn't come back to her was because he'd been locked in a dungeon somewhere and was being tortured while she sobbed into a couch cushion, doing nothing to save him?

"She doesn't know where he is, Kingsley," Molly said, putting a gentle hand on Tonks' arm to calm the crying. "You have the information you wanted. Remus' whereabouts are unknown, so if you would kindly take care of that, I can handle Dora myself."

Kingsley nodded. "Very well," he said. He turned to leave, and then paused, almost hesitatingly, by the door. He glanced back, his face a little kinder. "We will do whatever we can to find him, Tonks. I hope to see you at the next meeting."

Once the door was shut behind him, Molly knelt down in front of the couch. She tried to get Tonks to look at her, but it was to no avail. "He's not going to find him," Tonks mumbled, diligently keeping her eyes from Molly's. "Either he's dead, or he doesn't want to be found. Kingsley looking for him isn't going to change that."

"If the Order—"

"It's got nothing to do with the Order!" Tonks cried, angered enough to sit upright. "I'm sure Kingsley will get a report in the post any day now. Remus left _me_, not them."

Molly frowned. "Why would he do a thing like that?"

Tonks stared at the older woman. Had she not been a guest at this woman's table for tea, crying her eyes out about the same bloody thing a year before? Did Molly think all of Remus' insecurities had vanished the moment he got married? "Same reason as last time, Molly," Tonks said. "He didn't want to take the next step in our relationship. He doesn't want to be a father."

"And you want children," Molly surmised, sounding sympathetic.

"Well, yes, but—" Tonks hesitated. Remus had told her to keep the news quiet for now, but he wasn't there. He had walked out, and taken any say he had over her life with him. "Molly I'm pregnant."

"Preg…?" Confused, Molly reached out a hand towards Tonks' belly, as if the touch would confirm the words. "How far along?"

"Four months."

A disappointed look crossed Molly's face. Clearly she thought Remus a better man than one who would abandon a pregnant wife, and he had proven otherwise. "Come with me, dear," she said, taking Tonks by the hand. She led the younger woman into the kitchen and sat her in a chair, bustling over to the sink to fill the kettle with water. "I'll just make you some nice, calming tea and we'll talk this over."

A few moments later, sitting at that table with a mug of decaffeinated tea, Tonks cried all of her sorrows to Molly, feeling like the past year hadn't happened at all.

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><p><strong>Entry<strong>**#67 (Tuesday June 12, 1973) – Three Days Before**

It's rather relaxed around school now that exams are finished, although the older students are still taking their O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s. The Hogwarts Express won't come until Friday, after they're finished, so the rest of us just have to be patient. It's been quite pleasant for me. I've been able to get a bit of reading done, and I was able to talk to Dumbledore about my potentially problematic exam situation next year. He told me not to fret and that he would have everything sorted out by the time we had anything to worry about.

Surprisingly, my friends have enjoyed this idle time as well. Though, now that I think about it, it isn't surprising at all that they like being at Hogwarts when there aren't classes to attend. It's given them plenty of time to plan their prank that they still won't tell me about, and they've been creating as much trouble for the older students as possible. Just this morning, Sirius locked his cousin Narcissa in the girls' lavatory by sealing the door with a permanent sticking charm. The door had to be completely removed and replaced to let her out. They have also stolen and hidden several study books, attempted to sneak in and sit through the N.E.W.T. Charms exam, and told students that the location of their exam had been changed, causing a lot of lateness and tears.

Today, though, there was a change of pace. They decided that, as we have no obligation to actually be in the school at the moment, now would be a perfect time to utilize that tunnel we found back in April. As excited as I was about seeing Hogsmeade before everyone else in our year, I was mainly relieved James and Sirius had finally decided to stop torturing the poor older students. They've got enough on their plates without two obnoxious second years trying to sabotage their exams.

Before we went to the tunnel, though, we waited until all the exams had started, because a majority of the teachers would be occupied with proctoring. The only authority figure we really had to keep an eye out for then was Filch, and Sirius and James are practically experts on avoiding him at this point. We made it to the corridor without any mishaps. There was a group of Ravenclaw boys, fourth year I think, leaving the restroom that we had to wait out, but then we were able to slip the mirror open and rush into the tunnel, making sure the entrance was shut tight behind us.

The tunnel was just as I remembered it, dark and rather cold. We all four lit our wands and traveled through, and as we walked I wondered if any other students had ever discovered this tunnel. When was that mirror last opened, before James and Sirius crashed into it? Was the entrance always a mirror? If tunnels could be hidden behind mirrors, where else in the school could there be more? Behind statues? In the sinks? There are probably passageways unknown even to Dumbledore in a building as large as Hogwarts.

Partway through my musings, I realized how ridiculous I was being. I'm sure my friends were thinking about what shops to visit in Hogsmeade and whether we should risk bringing back candy from Honeyduke's, while I contemplated where the tunnel came from. No wonder they're always making fun of me. Sighing at myself, I hurried a little to catch back up with my friends.

"How do you suppose we'll actually get into Hogsmeade?" I wondered aloud. It was the only one of my rambling thoughts my friends might have interest in. "I mean, the robe shop has to have employees, doesn't it? What if someone is down in the cellar when we pop through?"

From the look on his face, Sirius had not considered this. He frowned and turned to James, who wore a similarly confused expression. "One of us will just have to go ahead and check if it's clear," Sirius mused, though he didn't sound sure. "Why didn't we bring your cloak, James?"

"Didn't think about it, did we?" James countered. "From now on, I say Moony has to fact-check everything before we pull a stunt. For now, I nominate Peter."

"What for?" Peter squeaked. "To go ahead? Why me?"

"Because you're the smallest and nobody notices you," James said. "You'll be practically invisible to anyone down there, and you can come back and warn us if there's any trouble." His tone suggested he didn't think this was an insensitive comment.

Peter didn't seem to think it was an insensitive comment either, which is always the case when James makes a vaguely insulting remark to him. Instead, Peter took it as a compliment of sorts, and he held his chin a little higher, grinning. "You can count on me, boss!" he said and scurried quickly down the tunnel.

We followed after him, wanting to make it easier when he ran back with his report. When he did return, he announced that the cellar was clear, and I got a look from all three of them that said, "See Moony? You worried for nothing."

"Better safe than sorry," I mumbled, though I don't think any of them heard me.

The tricky part came after we made it into the cellar. We didn't know exactly where the stairs would let out, as none of us had ever been inside Gladrag's, so James sent Peter ahead of us again. Pete gave us a thumbs-up from the top of the stairs, so the rest of us quickly climbed up after him and emerged behind a partition near the front door. There was a witch buying stockings at the counter, but otherwise the shop was empty. Before anyone could notice us, we bolted for the door and found ourselves on the streets of Hogsmeade, and not a one of us could keep the grin from his face.

After glancing around the streets for a moment, Sirius chose a direction. "C'mon, this way," he said, and we ventured down the busiest part of the street. With more people to hide our presence, we melted into the crowd and nobody really looked twice at the four out of place young boys wandering the wizarding village.

I soon realized that Sirius actually had a destination in mind, and James let out a "Yes!" when we reached it. It was a pub, and the sign above the door read 'The Three Broomsticks' in big wooden letters. Both James and Sirius claimed they had heard about it from their parents, and even Peter seemed to have some knowledge of the place. I didn't know it by name, but my father had mentioned a pub in Hogsmeade of which he had been a frequent patron back in his school days. He said they offered a fantastic butterbeer. Whether this was the same pub I didn't know, but I figured I could try the butterbeer anyway.

Inside, we were greeted by a pretty young witch who introduced herself as Rosmerta. I thought she might have been in her early twenties. She showed us to a table, and Sirius gave her a wink, saying, "Thanks Rosie."

"You're a little young to be calling me Rosie," the witch replied with a wink of her own. She took our order of four cold butterbeers and came back with the bottles just a few moments later. She didn't seem to mind that we were clearly out of school when we weren't supposed to be, and we were left alone to enjoy our drinks.

"This is nice," Sirius commented. "No homework. No teachers. No girlfriends. Just the four Marauders, as it should be."

"Hey, I'm the only one of us with a girlfriend." There was almost a touch of triumph in the way James said this. "The rest of you are hopelessly single."

Sirius frowned. "I wouldn't say 'hopelessly' in my case. I am single by choice, thank you very much. Girlfriends are too much work, and if you find the right girl, you can snog her without all that commitment nonsense. Much easier."

"Easier for you," I said. "I'm not so sure the 'right girl' would think the same way."

With an exaggerated eye roll, Sirius sighed. "You can't give me dating advice Lupin," he said. "You're the most hopelessly single of us all. Even Peter has a better shot than you, and he's afraid of girls."

Again, Peter did not take offense to the comment. He nodded his agreement, saying, "It's true, Remus."

I looked between the three of them. James had a smirk on his face to show that he, too, agreed with what they were saying. I kept my face calm, but I felt uncomfortable under their stares. They were trying to get something out of me, I was sure. "No girl in their right mind would want to date me," I said simply. I was only trying to be reasonable and hoped I didn't sound too self-deprecating. "Especially when that girl knows what I really am."

"A closet librarian?" Sirius suggested.

"A reincarnated book?" James said.

"A ballerina?" Peter added.

I gave each of them a hard look. "Don't. You know what I mean."

"No, I really don't," Sirius said.

He was staring at me meaningfully. I could hear his unspoken words as clear as day, and I understood what they wanted from me. They were wrong, though. "Come off it, Sirius." I tried to sound confident, though my voice shook a little. "It's not right of me to ask Allie out. She's my friend, and I'm sure that's all she wants to be with someone like me."

Sirius scoffed, clearly out of patience. "Allie isn't a normal girl, Moony. She doesn't like normal things."

"'Normal things' meaning you?" James interjected with a grin.

"Meaning me!" Sirius exclaimed theatrically, complete with a frustrated flourish of his arms. "How can she not like me? What have I ever done to her?"

"Well, you did break her wrist," I noted, deliberately missing the point. "And you dyed her hair blue, and told her the only reason she could come swimming with us was so you could look at her swimwear, and you constantly call one of her friends a harpy, and you gave her a birthday present she was allergic to…"

"Okay, I get it." Sirius held his hands up in defense, looking only slightly guilty about the litany of offenses. "My point is her good taste is clearly in question. Who's to say the thing she wants most isn't a gigantic piece of werewolf meat?"

I groaned. "Don't be crude."

"I'm just saying," he said. "I think she's into you. Like, a lot. Why else would she put up with the rest of us if she didn't like you? And don't say it's because we're charming. We're all three of us horrible and you know it."

"She's my friend," I repeated lamely.

James raised his eyebrows. "She also holds your hand in the hallways between classes," he said, "and stays by your bedside every time you're in the hospital wing, and spends every moment she can with you. Even the boring ones, like when you're doing homework. That girl likes you as more than a friend, Remus, and I don't see how you can't see it."

I didn't know what to say. I just sat there dumbly, wishing they hadn't said any of it, wishing they would take it back. They didn't understand. I wanted so much for all my ridiculous delusions of Allie returning my affections to be true, but life couldn't work out that way. Not my cursed werewolf life, anyway. My feelings for her had to go unrequited so that I would be the only one to suffer in the end. Not Allie. She's been nothing but kind to me. How could I punish her for that by telling her my feelings? She deserves better, and I sometimes fear she doesn't want better. I want her to feel as strongly about me as I do about her, honestly I do, but that just can't happen. She shouldn't waste her time with me, and keeping my feelings to myself will allow her to make the better choice. All this is assuming she does care about me as more than a friend, and I still doubt that's the case.

When I think too seriously about actually being with her, I start to realize how bleak, how lonely, my future is going to be. I've accepted that society won't accept me, but it's still heartbreaking to be reminded of it with the talk of relationships that can never be, said to me by friends that in all likelihood won't last. I am constantly on the alert for their wavering interest, for the day I cease to be entertaining to them. When I first met them I could provide a mystery for them to solve. Now that they've solved it, I have become a project, a reason for them to while away the hours doing research and planning in the library. What happens when I'm no longer useful for even that?

"Moony?" Sirius said, sounding concerned.

I realized I had started crying. Slightly mortified, I wiped at my wet cheeks with my sleeve and avoided their gazes, staring at my bottle of butterbeer instead. This was another of my insecurities I couldn't bring myself to share with them. Of course, they wouldn't understand even if I told them. They would say I shouldn't be so hard on myself, tell me that I don't deserve to end up alone, but how could they say anything of the sort and think it the truth?

Forcing the tears to stop, I put a false smile on my face. "I'm fine," I said, as assuredly as possible. From their expressions, they didn't believe me, but I didn't care. I swallowed the lump in my throat and carried on. "How are the animagus forms coming along?"

I expected protest, but something in my voice must have told them I wouldn't allow them to change the subject back to Allie. They gave each other quick, confused glances, and then James started telling me about how different personality types translated to certain animagus forms, and Peter went off on all the terrible things that have happened to witches and wizards who attempted the transformation unsuccessfully. Only Sirius remained silent, and he kept staring at me with sad, knowing eyes until we finished our butterbeer and James mercifully decided we should explore the shops.

Eventually, after we had distracted ourselves with as many shops as possible, we figured it was time to sneak back to the castle. Once we were securely in the tunnel, Sirius fell into step beside me, Peter and James a bit ahead of us. He didn't smile when I looked at him. "Do you want to talk about it?" he wondered.

"No," I said.

He frowned. "Look, if we did something to—"

"It's not something that anybody _did_," I interrupted him. "It's a matter of me realizing there are certain things I can't do."

"You think dating Allie is something you can't do?" Sirius wondered. I couldn't tell whether I heard pity or anger in his voice. Maybe both. "Why would you think that? Being a werewolf doesn't make you defective, Remus. You're just like any other bloke."

It was exactly what I expected him to say. I sighed. "I'm not, though. That's the point."

Sirius didn't have a response to that. With a shake of his head, he threw his arm around my shoulder, and I was willing accept that form of comfort, at least. A friendly arm is something physical, something real, something I can hold on to. It's not empty words that don't mean anything if you look at them too closely.

I know the fact that he was so damn concerned means my friends don't just consider me a source of entertainment. They _are_ my friends, and I am their friend, and I should trust them to be more understanding of my worries. I know they'd be supportive if I talked to them. I just can't help feeling that all this camaraderie is fleeting, that they won't be around forever. I want to mentally prepare myself for that reality if it happens.

As for Allie… At this point, I'm honestly not sure whether I'm more afraid of her liking me, or her having no romantic feelings for me at all. Both seem terrible, but for entirely different reasons. I can't help wondering, though, what it might be like if I just let myself be happy for once.


	36. Chapter 36

**Entry #68 (Saturday June 16, 1973) – One Day After**

This year, I was not allowed to ride home with everyone else on the Hogwarts Express. It was a safety issue, as the train ride coincided with a full moon. It would have been quite unpleasant for the other passengers if we didn't make it to London by nightfall. I'm a little disappointed I wasn't on the train with everyone else, but I understand why it had to happen. Still, it would have been nice to get that last amount of time together before having to part ways for the summer.

So, instead of riding the train yesterday, I found myself by the front gate Thursday morning, waiting for the carriage that would take me to Hogsmeade. There, my parents would be waiting to take me home. Until the carriage arrived, however, I had to stand awkwardly with my trunk in the warm summer morning, hoping no other students would see me and wonder what I was doing by myself.

Voices came from behind me, but I didn't react, thinking the speakers to be some older students and wanting to stay as inconspicuous as possible. "Ah, Mr. Lupin!" one of the voices called, and I jumped a little. I had already said goodbye to anybody who might want to talk to me. When I turned around, I saw it was Professor Coyle and Headmaster Dumbledore, and Coyle had a suitcase in his hands.

Dumbledore smiled at me. "I hope you don't mind the imposition," he said, his voice pleasant and his eyes twinkling. "But Douglas here is in need of a carriage. I thought it would save a bit of trouble if the two of you shared."

Not sure what to say, I just nodded my agreement and did my best to ignore the rest of their conversation. It was hard, though. They were talking very loudly, almost as if they wanted to be overheard.

"It has been a pleasure, Albus," Coyle was saying. "I thank you for the opportunity, and I wish you luck next year."

"And you're sure you don't have anything more to say on the matter?" Dumbledore wondered. "This whole thing could be resolved differently if—"

"No, sir. I assure you it was my fault, my responsibility. No need to be getting anyone else involved." He sounded contrite, if not a bit exasperated, and the Headmaster seemed to take that statement as the final word. Dumbledore nodded solemnly, bid the teacher and me farewell, and strolled back towards the castle.

I stared at my feet, not wanting to be in that odd moment. I didn't know what was going on. I liked Coyle, though, so I attempted to start a conversation. "Are you looking forward to the summer holiday, Professor?" I asked, trying to sound as polite as possible.

"Not as much as you assuredly are, Mr. Lupin," he replied. "Tonight notwithstanding."

I knew he knew, of course, but it was always a little disconcerting when someone spoke so plainly about my lycanthropy. It was how James and Sirius talked about it, like it didn't matter. It was strange, but I appreciated it. "Sir?" I ventured.

"Yes, Mr. Lupin?"

"I just wanted to say you've been a very good teacher," I said. "I feel like I've learned a lot from you so far."

He smiled, but bitterly. "I do hope you have the same praise for next year's Defense teacher. A pity to leave such apt pupils at the mercy of someone inadequate in the subject."

"Next year's teacher?" I wondered. "Aren't you coming back?"

Coyle shook his head. "I'm afraid not. Dumbledore feels—well, we both feel— it would be for the best if I did not continue my employment at Hogwarts. This will be my only year."

I couldn't keep the shock out of my voice. "But why?"

"I'm afraid I don't quite know the answer to that," he sighed. Coyle shifted the suitcase in his hands. I could tell he was hesitating, debating with himself about whether or not to tell me the truth. In the end, he shrugged, evidently deciding that it could do no harm for me to know. "The _reason_ I've been fired is that the red cap I had caged for exams escaped. It took up residence in the dungeon, and a girl was injured last night. The _why_, of course, is the true mystery. I know for a fact I had that creature properly contained. There was no way for it to leave its cage, unless someone meddled with the lock or, even more simply, let it out."

"Who would do something like that?" I asked, though I wondered if I didn't already know the answer.

"Who, indeed," he replied.

I could tell from the expression on his face that his guess of the culprit—or culprits—was the same as mine. James and Sirius have hated Coyle since day one, and they never did tell me about that prank they were working on. I had assumed they didn't go through with it, but maybe they just delayed it so long that even they hadn't seen the results of their trick yet. If Coyle knew, though, why wouldn't he say anything? The Headmaster would believe him if he did. Surely Dumbledore knew who had tampered with Coyle's cages, and surely Dumbledore knew Coyle knew who had tampered with his cages. Talking about the incident in front of me must have been his last attempt at saving the Defense teacher's job. He probably hoped I would know what they were discussing and volunteer the information. Of course, I wouldn't have said anything even if I had known, and that's when the answer came to me.

Coyle didn't want to get James and Sirius in trouble. If the punishment of a teacher for accidentally loosing a dark creature in the school was dismissal, what would the punishment be of a student who had done it on purpose? Coyle had decided to take the fall, knowing it would ruin their education to turn them in. It would be a lesson in consequences, seeing a girl hurt and a teacher fired, without actually giving _them_ the consequences. I just hoped that, once they found out the damage their prank had caused, James and Sirius would be appreciative enough of the gesture to actually learn the lesson.

I didn't know what to say to Coyle, so I shuffled awkwardly on my feet until the carriage finally arrived. We travelled to Hogsmeade in silence, only making the occasional comment about the weather or scenery. Once we reached the village, however, I broke the quiet by telling Coyle I would miss him as a teacher, and I shook his hand. He smiled, instructed me to keep up my studies and to enjoy the summer, and then he strode down the side of the road, suitcase in hand, to one of the inns.

My parents found me, then. We got ice cream together, to celebrate the end of another successful school year, and then we all got in the car and began the long drive home. It's always nice, seeing mum and dad again. I'm always reminded how much I missed them, and my house, and even my basement, while I'm at school.

I hope I get to talk to my friends soon, though. I have a few questions for them.

**Entry #69 (Sunday June 24, 1973) – Nine Days After**

When I put on my Sunday best today, I didn't instantly feel uncomfortable and rush to change into something else. I actually felt _under_dressed and thought about asking my father if I could borrow a tie, before I realized how absolutely ridiculous I would look showing up in a tie. I didn't know what to expect from dinner over at Allie's house with her family, but I knew I had to look nice. Looking _that_ nice, though, might have been odd.

Dad took me over around 4:00pm, so Allie could show me around the place and settle me in before dinner started. Her sister Erin answered the door, and the older girl's eyes grazed up and down as she looked at me. "You look nice," she grinned, though it didn't sound entirely like a compliment.

Erin stepped aside and motioned for me to enter. From down the hall, I heard hurried footsteps coming down stairs, then a thumping sound, and then a voice calling in slightly pained tones, "Erin, I _said_ I would answer the door!" Allie stumbled into the entryway a moment later, wearing a very pretty blue dress and cradling her right elbow. She smiled at me and laughed in an embarrassed sort of way. "Tripped by the banister," she said.

"That excited to see me, are we?" I wondered. "Can't even maintain coordination?"

She scoffed in pretend offense. "Shut up," she said, and then turned to her sister, who was still standing there. Allie gave her a pointed look. "Thanks for getting the door, Erin."

"Not a problem," Erin said.

The older girl didn't move. She continued to stand awkwardly with us in the entryway, clearly enjoying the discomfort. After a moment, Allie cleared her throat, and when that didn't work, she said, "Do you mind?"

Erin smirked. "Mind what?"

"Ugh, forget it!" Allie said. She reached forward and grabbed my wrist, pulling me along with her down the hallway. "I'm going to show Remus around the house. Tell mum and dad he's here."

"Keep your door open!" Erin hollered after us. I heard her laughter receding as she went the opposite way, presumably to where Allie's parents were located.

When we were a fair distance away from the door, Allie halted. She checked to make sure Erin was actually gone, and wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug. "I've really missed you," she said. Her voice was right next to my ear.

I could feel her breath on my neck and it tingled. Her hair smelled like blackberries. To distract myself, I thought about the significance, if any, of the fact that Allie hadn't wanted to hug me or say that she missed me in front of her older sister. Embarrassment? Erin had seemed in a tormenting mood, so perhaps Allie didn't want to risk the mocking that might follow. I let the thought rest at that and hugged her back, muttering, "I missed you too, Allie."

She pulled out of the embrace, smiling. "I should show you around," she said.

The house was rather larger than I expected, and I had expected a large house to begin with. We didn't linger long in any of the rooms, and when we reached Allie's bedroom she only allowed me a fleeting glance inside before moving along. The tour concluded in a spacious, sunken room near the back of the house with a sectional sofa, a few recliners, and a cozy looking fireplace, which Allie pronounced as the den. She claimed it was the place where they spent time as a family, but it didn't seem very lived-in. Only one spot felt like someone had been there recently, a chair by the fireplace with a tiny stack of books on the floor next to it and a pillow that didn't match. I could imagine Allie sitting there, with or without a fire going, reading one of those books until she fell asleep, like she did frequently in Gryffindor tower.

"What do you want to do until dinner?" Allie wondered, taking a seat on the sofa. "It's at six, so we've got at least an hour before we have to wash up."

I sat next to her with a shrug. "What do you suggest?"

She pondered for a moment, her mouth pursed to the side. Then she hopped up from the sofa and went over to the Wizard's Wireless in the corner, turning it on. Some crackling came from the speaker, but Allie switched the station to a catchy song I'd heard before at my aunt's house. It was an old song, and she wrinkled her nose at the music, clearly displeased. I suppose she decided it was good enough, though, and she turned to face me. "May I have this dance, Remus?" Allie offered her hand in a decidedly gentlemanly manner.

"I can't dance," I protested, probably a bit too quickly.

Allie dropped her hand, frowning. "Everyone can dance," she said. "It's just moving your body." When she said the word 'body,' she gave a little wiggle of her hips, making the skirt of her dress flutter. "It's easy."

I shook my head. "It's not easy," I said. "It's humiliating."

She shrugged. "Okay, you're right, but who's here to see you? Me? I'll humiliate myself, too. I only know, like, the quadrille, from two hundred years ago because my parents made me take a dance class with Erin when I was eight."

The expression on her face, the unabashed way she asked for what she wanted, made me give in and stand up, laughing. "You know the quadrille?"

"Yes," she said. "But I shan't teach it to you. You're far too uncivilized." She grabbed my hand anyway and pulled me into a starting position. She grinned. "I shall, however, teach you the waltz. It is only slightly less ridiculous, but just as pompous."

"I suppose you'll take the lead, then?" I asked.

"Of course," she said, and took the first step.

What followed, naturally, was humiliation on my part and laughter on hers. Though, after I tripped for the fourth time I started to find it funny as well. It is three simple steps, over and over again in a square, and it shouldn't have been so difficult, but I kept forgetting to bring my foot over. Allie was a patient teacher, however, and eventually I started to get the hang of it. And I really do love the sound of Allie's laugh, even if it is at my expense.

After I had mastered the waltz to her liking (which, if I am honest, was only passable at best), she tried to show me a few of the other dances she learned in that class. My clumsiness made this rather impossible, and I had a moment of silent anger at the fact that this would be effortless for someone like Sirius. He probably took the same sodding dance class and breezed through it as if he were born in tap shoes.

Luckily the second round of lessons didn't last as long as the first, as Erin interrupted to inform us that dinner would be ready in a few minutes. The older girl raised her eyebrows to the embrace we were in for the polka, but did not say anything as she wandered back to the kitchen.

Allie released my hand, though she was still smiling. "You were right," she concluded. "You can't dance. Absolutely hopeless."

"Maybe it was the teacher."

"No, phenomenal teacher," she said, shaking her head. "But what is a girl to do when her student has two left feet?" She laughed again. "Come on. We're having alfredo and chicken florentine. Probably my mum's best dish."

I followed her into the dining room and took the seat next to hers when she gestured. Erin was already seated on the other side and I briefly wondered where Mitchell was, before remembering that he had moved to his own flat in London, where he had a new job. Allie's mother was arranging the food on the table, and a moment later, Mr. Bond joined us, a glass of brandy in his hand. Once everyone was seated, Silvia said to me, "It's wonderful to have you here for dinner, Remus."

"Thank you for allowing me over," I returned. "Everything smells wonderful."

Her mother batted a hand. "Oh, they're just a few recipes my grandmother taught me, nothing special," she said. "Everyone tuck in."

While we ate, Allie's parents discussed one of Mr. Bond's clients. Erin tried to listen in on the conversation, being on track to go into magical law herself after her N.E.W.T.s, and Allie kept muttering things like, "Yes, they're always this boring," and, "I can't believe they're making us sit through this," to me under her breath. I tried, and probably failed, to keep my face straight.

Suddenly I heard my name, and I glanced up. Richard Bond was looking at me, and I realized he must have asked me a question. "Pardon?" I asked, slightly worried.

"I was wondering what electives you were taking for your third year," he repeated. He sounded so stern, like he was angry with me, but his face showed a genuine interest. Maybe he just always sounds like that.

Under his gaze, it took a moment for me to remember the classes I had registered for only last month. "Er, Muggle Studies…"

"Muggle Studies?" Allie interrupted. "I thought James convinced you to take divination."

I shook my head. "Couldn't pay me to take that rubbish class," I said. "Why?"

"I'm taking Muggle Studies," she said, smiling.

I smiled back. "Oh."

I heard her father clear his throat. When I turned my attention back to him, he looked rather amused. "And the other classes?" he prodded.

"Oh," I said again, rather more flummoxed. "Arithmancy and Care of Magical creatures."

Mr. Bond opened his mouth to respond, but Allie beat him to it. "Arithmancy? Why not Ancient Runes?"

"I thought Arithmancy would be more practical," I said. "Sirius is taking Ancient Runes, though. You won't be alone in the class."

"Do you know anyone else who's taking that class?" she asked. There was a note of desperation to her tone. "Or are you telling me I have to sit in a stuffy classroom, alone, with Sirius Black for an hour?"

"Are any of the girls in our house taking it?" I tried.

"Unfortunately, your thought process was remarkably similar to that of the other thirteen year old girls in our house," Allie said. She let out a heavy sigh. "They all thought it would be more practical, too. I can't believe we didn't talk about this before we finalized the classes we were signing up for."

"As you recall, James and Sirius beat you to it," I reminded her. "Also, did you just call me a girl?"

"I may have," she said. "What's wrong with being called a girl?"

I chose not to reply to that question. Instead I asked, "Why didn't you take Arithmancy too? It _is_ more practical."

"Ancient Runes seemed more interesting." Allie shrugged.

"That's what Sirius said." I grinned.

Allie slumped in her chair and her father cleared his throat again. I looked up, startled to remember that it wasn't just Allie and me at the table. Erin and her mother were exchanging glances, while Richard kept his eyes on me. "Any thought behind your class choice, Remus?" he asked. "Erin here took Arithmancy way back when because she knew it would be helpful in her magical law studies."

"It's that kind of forethought that makes one a Head Girl," Silvia added. She gave a bright smile to her eldest daughter, who blushed. "Mitchell did that as well, didn't he? Taking Muggle Studies in school really prepared him for his new position as a liaison between the Ministry and Muggle justice system."

I felt a bit bombarded, and entirely unprepared for their line of questioning. My choices had been made based on interest, not for some deliberate career path. Thankfully, I was saved from answering when Allie blurted out, rather loudly, "You're Head Girl?"

Their father seemed just as surprised, and Erin smirked. "I got the letter this morning," she said. "And the badge. Head Boy is Braxus Valery, in Slytherin." She glanced at her mother. "I _wanted_ to tell everybody during dessert…"

"I'm sorry!" Silvia laughed. "I'm just so proud of you, sweetheart. I couldn't help it."

"That's wonderful, Erin," Richard said. "I told you taking those extra N.E.W.T. level classes would pay off in the end."

Erin beamed. "Thank you, daddy."

"Do you want a trip?" Richard asked. "We went to Rome when Mitch made Head Boy."

For the first time since realizing her sister's news, Allie perked up. She glanced at me, an excited grin on her face. I wasn't sure why, until her mother spoke up. "I already bought four tickets to Paris," Silvia said. "We leave next week."

Allie would be going to Paris with her family. She seemed so excited, and I felt utterly dejected. Before, when Mitch chose to go to Rome, Allie told me they had been gone the entire summer, and that meant I wouldn't get to see her.

The rest of dinner passed with the Bond family discussing their travel plans. I stuck around for another hour after we were done eating, and Allie and I only played a few card games. When dad picked me up, I told Allie I would like a letter or two while she was gone, wished her luck, and left with the knowledge that I wouldn't see her again until she got back at the end of summer.

* * *

><p>*A few words from Aquira: Okay, I've had this written for a while, but I've been debating how to continue with this story. It's clearly not easy for me to keep up with writing this story while working and having a life, but I AM writing and working on this. So I have a question for the few readers I might still have. Would you rather I update when I can, or resort to Plan B? Plan B is jump ahead in the story (I have a somewhat reasonable way to do this), and post the ending that I already have written, so you guys can know how it ends without having to wait for forever. With Plan B, I might still add in the occasional update as I write more entries, but you would have the ending. So, now, my dear readers, what would you rather? Plan B, or slow, somewhat irregular updates?<p>

I really appreciate all the reviews I've gotten for this, and I wish I was able to write more consistently. I'm glad you all enjoy this story so much, and I want to do you justice. Thanks for everything :)


	37. Chapter 37

*****A few words from Aquira: **Hey all! I took all your words to heart when making my decision, and I finally decided on doing both! Well, not really, but I've figured out a way that I can end the story for those who want the end, and keep this specific story open for anyone who wants updates. That would be creating another story with just the ending in it, and I did just that. That's why it took me a bit to update. I had to finish the ending, and this chapter so they could go up at the same time.

Anyway, if you want to check out the ending, I would recommend doing that here at this link: s/9032968/1/What-She-Found-Out (it will have two chapters, and the next one should be up sometime next week).

The stories aren't mutually exclusive. If you read that story, you will know the ending to this one. A few small details or sentences may change here and there, but it will be the ending. If you want, you could read the ending and then still read all the smaller installments on this story whenever I am able to update. Whatever you want to do I'll be fine with.

You all are wonderful readers!

* * *

><p><strong>Entry #70 (Monday July 16, 1973) – One Day After<strong>

My father has always been the one to care for me after a full moon when I'm at home. I know that my mother tries to help, but she can't handle blood very well and my father takes on most of the work. He makes sure I'm locked in the basement the night before, stays up half the night worrying I'll injure myself beyond repair, passes out on the sofa, then gets me from the basement in the morning and leads me up to my room. There he cleans me up, puts me to bed, and brings me anything I ask for while I'm awake. I usually don't ask for much, but I generally try to get a decent chocolate bar out of him.

When I woke up today, though, I did not see my father anxiously waiting with a tray of food. Instead I was greeted by three familiar faces, all smiling hopefully at me from the floor. I sat up a little stiffly, cradling an arm I think I broke last night, and looked at them as squarely as I could manage. "What are you guys doing here?" I asked croakily.

"Visiting," Peter said.

"We thought you might like the company," James said.

"Remus, aren't we past all this you not realizing we want to be there for you nonsense?" Sirius added. "You're pretty much stuck with us at this point."

I rolled my eyes, trying not to smile. "At least you didn't jump on me this time."

"We thought about it, Sleeping Beauty," James said. "Sleep any longer and we might."

Sitting upright was proving difficult so I fell back onto my pillow. "You do realize I spent the previous evening savaging my basement and myself," I pointed out. "I think I'm entitled to a bit of rest after that."

"It's always nice to have company, though," Peter said. "Isn't it?"

I nodded reluctantly. My head was starting to hurt, and any amount of movement seemed to make it worse. "I do appreciate the visit," I said. "It gets rather boring around here when I'm stuck in bed all day."

I think, despite their usually infallible confidence in themselves, they had all been worried I didn't really want them there. Maybe it was my lack of mobility, or the fact that I kept my eyes closed while talking to them. Either way, they were grateful I had justified their decision to visit me and I could hear the easiness in their voices afterwards. They had sounded so tense before, like they had been waiting for me to snap at them.

"What do you usually do when you're… in recovery, Remus?" James wondered.

I shrugged, making my arm hurt a bit. "Not much when I can't move," I said, wincing. "I get a lot of reading done, usually. Don't know if I'm up for holding a book right now, though."

They were at a loss, I could tell. It was easier with Allie, with her calm, collected nature and her willingness to just sit with me while I slept. My other friends, though, need some sort of action, some sort of tangible thing they can do to make me feel better. They are all about big meaning and grand gestures, and that's fine, but also quite tiring for me after a full moon. I almost laughed, realizing how hard it must be for them to want to help so badly, and have absolutely no clue how to go about doing that. It was one of the first times I saw any of them, even Peter, at a complete loss.

"Get the pack of cards from my desk, will you?" I said, throwing them a bone and sitting up, even though my head swam. It was getting awkward watching them struggle, and I thought I might be able to manage a hand if we played a round or two of exploding snap.

I made it through four rounds, all four losses on my part, before I had to lie down again. When they protested and told me I had another round in me yet, I almost laughed again. It was endearing, how hard they were trying. "Tell me about your summers," I suggested. "I'm sure you have stories already."

"Oh, I have a story!" Peter said, raising his hand enthusiastically in the air. "My sister is visiting, and she brought her _boyfriend_." He said the word like it was some sort of phenomenon, like his sister and 'boyfriend' had never happened before. Maybe it hadn't. "My mum caught them… doing stuff. She almost kicked him out of the house! Said it was inappropriate behavior for a guest. I don't like him that much, so I thought it was funny."

"I didn't know you had a sister, Pete," James said. "How come we've never met her?"

Peter looked startled. "Have I never told you about Hannah?" he asked. "She doesn't live at home anymore, graduated a while back. She's twenty-two."

I only knew about Hannah, though I hadn't known that was her name, because of a few guesses I made about a family portrait when I visited the Pettigrew household last summer. The fact that Peter never brought her up made me think the relationship was strained, like with Sirius and his brother, so I never asked about her. I'd never considered the fact that Peter might have just forgotten to mention her. The fact that neither James nor Sirius had even asked should have made them feel guilty, but they didn't seem too worried about it, nor did Peter.

"So I'm not the only one of us with a sibling," Sirius said, smiling. "Speaking of which, you lot get to meet little Reggie-Poo next hear. The git's finally old enough to go to Hogwarts. I thought I'd warn you."

"He'll wind up in Slytherin, no doubt," James said. "We won't have to deal with him."

"Of course he will," Sirius replied. "Regulus will stay the one true course, blinders on all the way to the end, just like our dearest mummy told him. Not an original thought in the boy's brain. Except maybe Quidditch. Neither of my parents are what you would call 'athletic.'"

James groaned. "He plays _Quidditch_? You never told me that."

"Oh, right," Sirius grinned. "I guess you might have to deal with him, Jamesy. He's actually a really good Seeker, so keep an eye out."

"Fantastic. Anything else you forgot to tell me?"

Sirius paused to actually consider the sarcastic question. "No, nothing about Regulus," he mused. Then his face lit up. "Oh! Andromeda had her baby. I suppose that qualifies as news I didn't mention." Frowning, he reached back and fished in his pocket for a moment, pulling out his wallet. He rummaged around in the folds and produced a bent and slightly torn photograph. It was a picture of a baby, and he held it up proudly for the rest of us to see.

"Why do you have that picture?" Peter wondered as James took the photo to examine it more closely.

"Andromeda is my favorite cousin," Sirius replied. "She sent a picture to everyone in the family, including my parents. The kid is kind of cute when she changes color like she can. I think she's a metamorphmagus. My mum wanted to burn it, so I saved it."

I smiled. It was always endearing to see something he cared about, especially when it related to his family. He really did like Andromeda, despite his excitement that she was now the 'bad cousin.' "What's the baby's name?" I asked.

Sirius hesitated. "Nymphadora Tonks," he said. When we all laughed, Sirius tried to hold back his smile. "I know it's a little unconventional—"

"A little?" James interjected. "It's really weird. Why do all pureblood wizards give their children nonsensical names? What's wrong with a good, strong 'James?' All these Greek gods and constellations. If you name your child 'Zeus,' Sirius, I will have to take drastic measures."

"Zeus?" Sirius mused. "I was thinking Poseidon. Much more ridiculous."

We all laughed some more, but then I had to close my eyes again. Laughing felt good, but it was a strain nonetheless. My friends went silent, and I could feel the tension return to their postures. Then Peter spoke up, surprising me. "Why don't we read to him?" he suggested. "If that's what he usually does, why don't we do it for him?"

James scoffed. "Peter, that is so incredibly boring I—"

"Hold on, James," Sirius said. "I actually don't think that's a bad idea. But we wouldn't read to him. Oh no. We will perform for him!"

Hearing this, I opened my eyes a crack. There was excitement on each of their faces, and I grinned. "I have a few books on my nightstand," I suggested. "Are you guys really going to do this?"

"Of course," Sirius said. He stepped over to my nightstand and selected a book at random. I couldn't see the cover, but he read it aloud. "A Midsummer Night's Dream?"

"Isn't that by Shakespeare?" James wondered, stepping closer to Sirius to get a better look at the book.

I nodded. "One of his better plays, I think."

They looked through the cast of characters. Peter was assigned the role of 'all the women,' while James and Sirius divided up the male characters evenly. When Peter argued, they claimed he had a naturally higher voice than them, so it would be more believable. I guess Peter found no fault with this argument, because a moment later they were at the first scene, Peter playing Hippolyta, James as Theseus, and Sirius standing as Philostrate, having chosen the role because the name sounded, in his words, 'vaguely sexual.'

"Now, fair Hippolyta," James began, clasping Peter's hand to his chest, "our nuptial hour—" He paused, dropping the flowery tone and Peter's hand. "Nuptial? Like marriage?"

"Just go with it, James," Sirius hissed, keeping the pose he had assumed for his part.

James grimaced and took Peter by the hand again. He said, with a bit more difficulty but still as much enthusiasm, "Our nuptial hour draws on apace. Four happy days bring in another moon, but oh methinks how slow this old moon wanes!"

I chuckled a bit and repositioned myself to see them better. They continued on through the scene, pausing to laugh at a few lines, interjecting their own commentary about the situation they were performing. I just laughed along with them and explained a few passages when they got confused, thoroughly enjoying the show.

That was how we spent the rest of the day. They actually got through the entire play and I almost died laughing, but the pain was worth it. They made costumes from items in my closet, put on voices for their different characters, and all three of them attempted to kiss each other whenever they thought it was called for in the script. That was surprisingly quite often, and there were a few attempts that came incredibly close to actual kissing.

When they left, I knew they didn't regret coming. I had fun, and I'm fairly certain they did as well. They were laughing when dad escorted them out of my room, at any rate, and I hope they come back again.

It wasn't until after they had been gone several hours did I realize I forgot to ask them about Professor Coyle.

* * *

><p>Tonks sighed and closed the journal, setting it on her lap. After Molly left, she had tried to comfort herself by reading, but she couldn't shake her miserable mood. She wanted Remus, the man she married, not the child he had been in this book. As enjoyable as it was to read about his life so long ago, she wasn't getting the answers she had been expecting, not quickly anyway, and this last entry in particular had been quite strange to read. Her own introduction into his world, and it had been glossed over, barely mentioned more than to comment about how much Sirius liked his cousin. He had even laughed at her name.<p>

All the times Remus had told her he loved her name, and he had laughed at it the first time he heard it. She supposed she couldn't judge too harshly, though. After she had gotten to know Remus better, she had jokingly asked him if he had a twin named Romulus. It wasn't just purebloods who gave their children ridiculous names.

She decided that their child, boy, girl, or what have you, would have a perfectly normal name, like Steven or Jessica.

She sighed again, letting the jests about her name pass. It wasn't as if she was going to make any substantial appearance in this journal anyway, so why get upset about teenage boys making jokes? She turned to the next entry.

A few letters on old stationary fell out, and she knew they had to be letters from Allison in France. She also knew it wouldn't do any good to read them. They were from Allison, and anything with her name on it had made Tonks feel awful lately. When would she stop torturing herself like this? When would she be able to get on with her life? Not today, she decided, and she unfolded the letters.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Remus,<em>

_Wish you were here! And I'm not just saying that, because it's been so fascinating! We went to a museum the day after we arrived, and you would have loved it. Lots of old stuff for you to swoon over. I'm sorry this is so short. We're still settling into our rooms and learning where everything is. I'll write more when I've got everything sorted. It'll be more interesting if I've done things worth writing about, too!_

_Hope you are well,_

_Allie_

* * *

><p><em>Dear Remus,<em>

_Well, I am keeping my promise and writing you a longer letter. Things have actually gotten quite interesting since I sent you that postcard, so it shouldn't be too difficult._

_My grandparents decided to join us on our trip, and of course that made my mother nervous. She always frets when she has to entertain my dad's parents. I guess they expect a lot out of her, since she's only halfblood and all, and they still can't believe dad didn't marry a pureblood. It's not like they dislike her, but they do get very judgmental about everything she does, like what she cooks and what she wears and basically anything. If my mother did it, my grandparents will tell her how she did it wrong._

_It gets kind of grating after a while. "Silvia, do you really think that color is flattering on you?" "Silvia, you know Richard is supposed to be watching his cholesterol, don't you?" "Silvia, when are you going to do something about your hair?" "Silvia, if Allison's grades are slipping, you should really try taking a firmer stance with her schooling." "Silvia, I thought you would raise your children a bit more properly than letting Mitchell gallivant around London like a vagabond."_

_I'm not even exaggerating. Those are literal things my grandmother and grandfather have said to my mother. Those last two are particularly ridiculous. They act like my father had no hand in how his children were raised. Also, Mitchell has a very good job in London, so I'm not sure what my grandfather meant. Maybe he was talking about all the girls Mitch seems to be writing home about. I suppose that could potentially scandalize old people._

_And another thing, my grades are not slipping! I did slightly worse in History of Magic than last year, but I didn't do great then, either, so you shouldn't complain when something is worse when it was already bad. It still sucks either way._

_Can you tell how much I'm enjoying their company?_

_Really, I've been trying not to let it ruin my trip. We've done plenty of fun things, so it's not all horrible! I've seen a few more museums, and we're going to the Louvre next week. We saw the Eiffel Tower two days ago, and it was spectacular. I took lots of pictures and sent you a few with this letter, so you would be jealous. That's why people send pictures, right? To make the people getting them envious of the trip they're not on?_

_If not, enjoy the pictures anyway. You get to see my lovely face! And the rest of my family, but they aren't as important. Missing you a lot!_

_Allie_

* * *

><p><em>Dear Remus,<em>

_It's getting closer to the end of my trip, and I'm really looking forward to seeing you again when I get back. Like, I've missed you so much it's hard to describe. We really depend on each other, don't we? That's so amazing to me, and I hope you'll be my best friend for many years to come. If you haven't already gone shopping for your supply list, I vote we do that when I get home. Otherwise I have to go with Erin, and that would be horrible._

_Fortunately, my grandparents didn't stay for the whole trip. They only stayed for three weeks. Just long enough to make my mother feel awful about herself, congratulate Erin on her accomplishments, tell me I should really strive to be more like my sister, and not say a single bad thing about my father. I'm starting to see why my dad is so full of himself. I thought coddling was supposed to stop after the child leaves the nest?_

_The Louvre was fantastic. I mean, seeing the building itself was incredible, and then all of the artwork inside… I hope to go back again someday, when they have different exhibits on display. Maybe I'll pick Paris as my trip if I make Head Girl._

_Yesterday us girls went on a mother-daughter shopping spree while dad very eagerly went to meet with a client who was in the area. He had been looking for an excuse to get out of going with us, so he probably would have gone out with an axe murderer if the opportunity presented itself. Anything to get out of shopping with the womenfolk. Those men probably spent the whole time smoking cigars and drinking brandy in a private pub, laughing at the fickleness of women and their need to spend money. Well, too bad for him, because mum and I convinced Erin she needed to buy new dress robes for graduation, and she had them custom tailored. It wasn't cheap, either._

_I didn't get anything special, just a new floppy hat that I have included a picture of with this letter. There is no need for it, and I will probably never wear the hat in my life, but it is yellow and lovely and I wanted it. That was enough of a reason, apparently, and mum got a matching one for her in pink, and another one for Erin in lavender. We are now the height of fashion, and you should be envious._

_Again, I'm glad I will be seeing you very soon. If not for shopping, then on the train for Hogwarts. You will sit with me this time, I don't care what those other friends of yours say. I suppose I could sit with them too, but then I would have to deal with Sirius, and Rachel would try to find me, and can you imagine the mess already? I don't even want to think about it._

_Six days and counting!_

_Allie_


End file.
